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Young, Pregnant, and Unmarried

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Latter-Day Saints Perspective

Remember When . . .?

Remember when having cool friends and deciding what to wear were the most serious issues you faced? Since you found out you're expecting a baby, everything else seems trivial. You have so many more serious things to think about now -- and so many decisions to make. You might be feeling fear, anger, or guilt. The pregnancy might still be a secret or something you don't yet want to admit even to yourself.

Finding Support

The first thing you need to do is find support. This is not something you can or should handle on your own. In most cases it's better to tell family and close friends what's happening so you have someone to lean on. If you feel like you can't turn to your family, go to your school counselor, your doctor, your church leader, or another adult you trust, such as the parent of one of your friends. They can help you find out what resources you need and where to find them. Also, check the end of this article for a list of resources.

Once you have personal support in place, don't be afraid to turn to professionals and support groups. They can be a great help in this situation. A counselor can meet with you individually, with you and your parents, or with you and your entire family. Counseling can help you make good decisions and feel hope for the future. Professionals can also help you get medical care, schooling, temporary housing if you need it, and adoption services if you decide to go in that direction.

Many hospitals and universities have created programs to give unwed mothers and their children better prospects for a successful life. One program, for example, helps mothers overcome factors that led to their unwed pregnancy, teaches them how to care for their infant, and runs support groups. These programs generally have shown tremendous success and are highly recommended.

Special Concerns

Even if you have a supportive boyfriend, family, and friends, unwed pregnancy is a difficult situation. You'll probably worry about the future, you might have trouble finding good medical care you can afford, and it will take work to prepare for your new responsibilities. You also have to deal with increased concerns about nutrition and exercises, added stress, and attending prenatal classes. To learn more about these issues, see the website Nemours Foundation's KidsHealth.

School will probably be another major concern. It's important to stay in school if at all possible. High school graduates have much greater social, emotional, and income success. If you decide to keep your baby, he or she will be much better off if you prepare as much as you can for your future by getting a good education.

Possible Decisions

Unwed mothers have four basic options: marriage to the father, adoption, single parenthood, or abortion.

  • Marriage. When it appears likely you can build a successful marriage with the father of your baby, this can be a good option. As you and the father consider marriage, it's important to look realistically at whether you're both ready. Many factors play into building a happy marriage. See the article, Important Factors to Consider Before Taking the Marriage Plunge on this website. A danger in marrying in your teens is the higher chance of not being able to continue your education. Less education usually means a lower income, less health care during pregnancy, and fewer chances to learn parenting skills. Problems like these can bring life-long stress, especially the stress of poverty. If you decide to marry, it's important to get help as you prepare - both for your marriage and for the arrival of your baby.
  • Adoption. If successful marriage looks unlikely, placing your infant for adoption provides many opportunities for both the baby and you. Your baby will have the benefits of a two-parent family, which often means he will be healthier both physically and emotionally. You are much more likely to achieve higher education and a better income and are less likely to have another unwed pregnancy. Though these benefits are great, giving up a child can be very difficult. If you make this choice, you will need others to help you handle this loss. For information about the joy you would give to the adoptive parents, see the article Dealing with Infertility and Childlessness on this website.
  • Single Parenthood. Many single mothers raise healthy and successful children. You should be aware, though, that many do not. Children who don't have a two-parent family generally have higher levels of depression, drop out of school more frequently, are poorer, and are more likely themselves to become unwed parents. If you decide to keep your baby, you can find many resources to help you become the best parent possible. For some of these, see the article Being a Successful Single Parent on this website.
  • Abortion. Many women choose this option, though research shows that the majority of them later suffer from grief, depression, and anxiety. These feelings are likely to be more intense and long-term if you believe that abortion is wrong. If you think abortion is right for you, you may want to make sure you have considered other options, then talk about your decision with family, friends, and ecclesiastical leaders. See the article Affirming and Supporting the Sanctity of Life on this website.

Resources

Whatever decision you make, your future can be full of hope and success if you seek the knowledge, help, and support you need. Below are a variety of resources. Choose the ones that will help you best in light of the decision you've made.

  • Family members and trusted adults are often in the best position to help you.
  • Phone directories, ecclesiastical leaders, hospital, and the Internet can point you to resources in your area, such as professionals and support groups.

A Final Note

Reaching out to accept the help of family members and others can lessen your burden significantly. Though this situation might be traumatic and distressing at first, you can learn from it. You also can decide what kind of person you want to be from now on and what kind of future you want for you and your child. Books, classes, and the people you rely on can help you achieve your goals and find happiness in the future.

Written by Sarah A. Smith, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

  1. Brough, M. J. (1994, September). Guidance for unwed parents. Ensign, 19-23.
  2. Ellis, B. J., Bates, J. E., Dodge, K. A., Fergusson, D. M., Horwood, L. J., Pettit, G. S., & Woodward, L. (2003). Does father absence place daughters at special risk for early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy? Child Development, 74(3), 801-821.
  3. KidsHealth: The Nemours Foundation. (2002). Having a healthy pregnancy.
  4. KidsHealth: The Nemours Foundation. (2002). When your teen is having a baby.
  5. LDS Family Services (2002, February). Adoption and the unwed mother. Ensign, 63.
  6. Nowak, R. (2003). Absent fathers linked to teenage pregnancies. New Scientist, 178, 13.
  7. Rothenberg, A. & Weissman, A. (2002). The development of programs for pregnant and parenting teens. Social Work and Health Care, 35(3), 65-83.
  8. Sawhill, I. V. (2002). The perils of early motherhood. Public Interest, 146, 74-84.
  9. Smith, J. (2003). Primary care intervention for the sexually active adolescent. Clinical Excellence for Nurse Practitioners, 7, 24-26.
  10. Speckhard, A. & Mufel, N. (2003). Universal responses to abortion? Attachment, trauma, and grief responses in women following abortion. Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health, 18(1), 3-37.

If you're young and unmarried, finding out you're pregnant was probably one of the most distressing moments of your life. You may feel trapped, scared, or guilty. You may be wondering if there's anyone who will understand what you're going through. But there is. The Savior understands and helps all who come unto Him. As you struggle with your feelings, repentance, and the decisions you need to make, He will be there for you if you seek Him.

Divine Guidance

God loves, guides, comforts, and directs all those who seek him in righteousness. Unwed mothers can enjoy the blessings that come through repentance, sincere prayer, fasting, and priesthood blessings. As Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated:

It is the certainty that your Father in Heaven loves you no matter what your circumstance, no matter what winds of trial, turmoil, or tribulation whirl about you. That certainty will never change. Your ability to access that support depends on the strength of your faith in Him and in His certain willingness to bless you.8

Support Groups and Professionals

Along with your family, LDS Family Services or other professionals can help you tremendously during this difficult time. Counseling can be provided individually, with family members, or in groups to help you regain hope and make plans for the future. Professionals can also help you find medical care, housing, or a couple to adopt your baby. For more information about LDS Family Services, visit www.itsaboutlove.org or call (24 hours a day) 1-800-537-2229 to speak with a volunteer.4

Possible Decisions

Ultimately, unwed mothers have four options: marriage, adoption, single parenthood, or abortion.

  • Marriage. Eternal families are part of God's plan for happiness. You and the father of your baby may decide you want to marry and that you are financially, emotionally, and spiritually ready. As you consider marriage, it's important to look realistically at whether you're both prepared. Many factors play into building a happy marriage. See the article, Important Factors to Consider Before Taking the Marriage Plunge. If you decide to marry, it's important to get outside help as you prepare - both for your marriage and for the arrival of your baby.1
  • Adoption. President Spencer W. Kimball set the Church's stand on adoption when he said:When marriage is not possible, adoption through LDS [Family] Services is preferred so that the infant can be sealed to loving eager parents in an eternal family. A baby needs a family-a father and a mother. The Lord intends for babies to have a family and for families to be eternal.10 Under President Gordon B. Hinckley, the First Presidency recently affirmed President Kimball's words, saying that if establishing a successful marriage is not possible, placing an infant for adoption through your bishop and LDS Family Services is "best for the child and enhances the prospect for the blessings of the gospel in the lives of all concerned".4 For the young woman who chooses this option, blessings include a better chance for full repentance, a more successful economic and social life, and a better chance of marrying in the temple.4 For more information about adoption, see the article Adoption: Building a Solid Foundation.
  • Single Parenthood. Many single mothers raise healthy and successful children. Many, though, do not. Children who don't have a two-parent family generally have higher levels of depression, drop out of school more frequently, are poorer, and are more likely themselves to become unwed parents. Single unwed mothers often have no reliable income, inadequate education and skills, and no one to share the responsibility of all their child's physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.2 As The Family: A Proclamation to the World (1995 states, " The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to . . . be reared by a father and a mother..." (¶ 7). If you decide to keep your baby, you can find many resources to help you become the best parent possible. For some of these, see the article Being a Successful Single Parent on this website.
  • Abortion. It is estimated that every year 46 million abortions are performed worldwide.9 Although many women choose this option, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that abortion is acceptable only when the life of the mother is at risk or when pregnancy results from incest or rape.6 Even under these circumstances, church leaders counsel members to talk with family members, their bishops, and seek confirmation through prayer before going forward.6 See the article Affirming and Supporting the Sanctity of Life on this website.

After the Baby Comes

If you've decided to keep your baby or to place him or her for adoption, after the baby is born it's vital that you have good support around you. After the birth, you might feel a mixture of extreme love, joy, and sadness. You might question whether you're making the right choice. If you're keeping the baby, you will need support as you adjust to the tremendous demands on you. If you decide to place the baby for adoption, you will also need support as you handle feelings of heartache and memories of your nine months of pregnancy. Many young women come to feel a greater understanding of the Atonement and of their Heavenly Father's love for them as they make this sacrifice for the welfare of their child.11

Hope in Jesus Christ

The eternal blessing of forgiveness through Jesus Christ is essential to true happiness for all of us. Because of your experiences, you might be realizing for the first time that the commandments are meant to keep you from pain and harm. This may be a hard lesson, but it can lead to increased faith in the Lord. Young mothers and fathers in this situation can repent, obtain forgiveness, and feel the unconditional love of the Savior.3 The prophet Alma in the Book of Mormon taught that Christ "sendeth an invitation to all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you" (Alma 5:33).

The Power of Prayer

Many unwed mothers have testified to the power of prayer during this period of their lives. God loves you and wants to hear from you. Great power and blessings can come as you commune with the Lord.5 As you strive to pray sincerely, you might want to study prayer throughout the scriptures by using the Topical Guide or by searching the topic in the Ensign or other Church materials, available at the Gospel Library.

Though you likely will feel many emotional ups and downs as you move through this challenge in your life, never give up hope. The Lord will sustain you as you seek to do his will.

Recommended Readings

Written by Sarah A. Smith, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

  1. Brough, M. J. (1994, September). Guidance for unwed parents. Ensign, 19-23.
  2. Evans, J. F. (1985, September). From tragedy to hope: Helping unwed parents. Ensign, 41-43.
  3. Faust , J. E. (2001, November). The atonement: Our greatest hope. Ensign, 18-20.
  4. LDS Family Services. (2002, February). Adoption and the unwed mother. Ensign, 63.
  5. Nelson, R. M. (2003, May). Sweet power of prayer. Ensign, 7-9.
  6. News of the Church. (1973, March). News of the church: Abortion is considered a "revolting sin" by Church. Ensign, 64.
  7. Scott, R. G. (2002, November). To be free of heavy burdens. Ensign, 86-88.
  8. Scott, R. G. (2003, May). The sustaining power of faith in times of uncertainty and testing. Ensign, 75-78.
  9. The Abortion Access Project. (2003). Fact sheet: The impact of illegal abortion.
  10. What's best for my baby? (2001, November). New Era, 41-43.
  11. Could I let my Baby Go? (2002, February). Ensign, pg 61-62.
  12. Carmack, John k. (1997, February). When Our Children Go Astray. Ensign.