Unifying Military Families

You just received the news that your spouse is being deployed for war. Or maybe you recently transferred to a new military post for the third, fourth, or even tenth time. Family upheaval and separation are not uncommon experiences for military families. It is during these times that a military family needs to work hardest to stay unified.

Military families' lives can be dramatically different from civilians' lives. Military families face frequent moves, living in hostile areas, frequent family separation, geographic isolation from extended family, and the increased threat that a loved one may be injured or killed.²

Because active-duty families move so often, they can become socially isolated. About one-third of both active-duty and enlisted officer families have lived at their current location less than one year. More than 60% of all active-duty families have spent less than two years at their current location.² When so little time is spent in an area, it can be difficult to feel comfortable in a neighborhood or community.

Preparing for the Absence of a Military Spouse

In a military family, it's very likely that the military spouse will be deployed and separated from the family at some point. Preparing for this absence, even though it sometimes comes unexpectedly, can make this challenge easier.

Suggestions for how the person being deployed can prepare:

• Plan individual time with each of your children and with your spouse before you leave.

• Make sure you show affection to your children. Affection is a powerful way to communicate your love (AFC, Section II, Children's issues, ¶ 6).¹ Children especially love hugs.

• Ask your children to help you pack (AFC, Section II, Children's issues, ¶ 12).¹

• Exchange items with special meaning to help you remember one another while you're apart (AFC, Section II, Children's issues, ¶ 12).¹

Suggestions for how the family can prepare:

• Discuss together how the family will function during your absence. Discuss such things as household chores and disciplining. Let your children be as involved as possible in this process. The spouse left behind needs the departing spouse's support in his or her new role of sole disciplinarian (AFC, Section II, Children's issues, ¶ 13).¹

• Always maintain a healthy savings account so that when you're called away, even on short notice, your family will be financially secure.⁴

• Make sure there's enough food in the home and that the family is prepared for emergencies with items such as candles, flashlights, portable radio, and extra batteries.⁴

• Keep up on home repairs so you're never far behind. This will make life easier for the spouse still at home.⁴

• Resolve marital and other family problems as they arise. Don't put them off hoping they'll get resolved. If your spouse has to leave on short notice, you might not have time to work things through.⁴ Leaving home at a time of unresolved conflict can result in hurtful discussions and angry feelings, whereas leaving home on good terms enhances the communication.⁸

• A military spouse's time at home is often short, so make the most of the time while you're together.⁸

• Adjust the celebration date of birthdays, anniversaries, and other occasions so the military spouse can be present.⁸

• Plan overnight getaways with your spouse to keep the affection in your marriage.⁸

Handling the Absence of Your Spouse

The separation caused by military service can be very hard on the spouse left at home. You might feel overwhelmed by handling all family and household responsibilities alone. Or you might feel frustrated that others seem to be moving forward in life while you're waiting around for your spouse to return (AFC, Section II coping with separation, ¶ 16).¹ You might even be in denial that your spouse is gone or feel angry towards him or her (AFC, Section I, military spouse's viewpoint, ¶ 5).¹ Worst of all, you have to deal with the possibility of death. One woman whose husband was deployed during the Gulf War said, "The hardest part . . . is the loneliness and the worry that your spouse may not come back home" (personal communication).

Below are suggestions for dealing with these difficulties.

• Be open and honest about your feelings. Don't try to hide them. It's all right for your children to know your concerns, doubts, and fears (AFC, Section II, children's issues, ¶ 26-27).¹

• If you know how long your spouse will be gone, make a chart to help your children follow the timeline. This gives children their own tracking tool instead of always having to ask (AFC, Section II, Children's Issues, ¶ 28).¹

• Keep the absent spouse up to date on what's happening at home. Don't spare him or her the realities out of fear of "distracting" or "worrying" him or her on the job (AFC, section II, children's issues, ¶ 29).¹ It's especially important to notify the deployed spouse of any family emergencies.

• When disciplining your children, don't tell them to "wait until your father [or mother] gets home." This can make your child fear the return of the absent parent instead of looking forward to it (AFC, section II, children's issues, ¶ 30).¹

• Put your children first. Spend time with them even if you don't feel like it. One mother whose husband was deployed during the Gulf War went to the movies and on other outings with her children even when she felt so depressed she wanted to stay in all the time. Sharing activities with your children can help your family stay united during the difficult time of separation.

• Do your best to keep a positive attitude. If you find you're not handling things, talk to a counselor or a member of your clergy.

As you wait for your spouse's return, time may seem to drag on and on. To help the time go by quickly it's important to stay active. You'll help yourself, and you'll also set a good example for your children. If they see you sitting around and sulking, they're more likely to behave the same way. If they see you keeping positive and busy, they're more likely to do the same.

Below are ideas about how to stay active and improve yourself at the same time.

• Go back to school.

• Take up a new hobby.

• Pursue an aerobic or weight training program.

• Seek part- or full-time employment.

• Participate in a Family Support Center or other support programs.

• Volunteer. Set your own problems aside for a while and help others in need (AFC, Section II, Coping with Separation, ¶ 6).¹

Helping Children Deal with the Absence of a Parent

As you're dealing with your emotions, don't forget that your children are having their own challenges with separation. Most children haven't yet acquired the coping skills most adults have, and they need you to be a resource as they learn. Different age groups and different personalities react differently to separation from a parent. Remember that every child is an individual. It's important that parents and caregivers be sensitive to each child's needs.

Below are common ways children in different age groups react to separation and strategies to help them manage. (Not every possible reaction is listed.)

Infants

Infants don't usually feel stress of their own but rather react to stress being experienced by their parent or caregiver. When parents are troubled, sad, or nervous, infants may react by becoming irritable or hyperactive.⁶

How to help

Provide a calm, unchanging environment. The quality of the care and the person who provides it should be consistent.⁶

Toddlers

Toddlers may cling more to caretakers and may become withdrawn or depressed. They show these emotions by refusing to eat, having difficulty sleeping, and avoiding interaction.⁶

How to help

Toddlers need to feel protected. Don't leave them alone more than is absolutely necessary. Give them a predictable routine and lots of attention.⁶

Preschoolers

Preschoolers may regress to behavior you thought they'd outgrown, such as fussing, crying, bedwetting, or becoming aggressive or demanding. Some get confused about why the parent left and may feel they caused it.⁶

How to help

Explain to your preschooler many times, not just once, the reason his or her parent had to leave. Be sure he understands he didn't cause the separation. It can also help to simplify daily schedules and emphasize basic needs such as sleep, meals, and lots of play.⁶

School Age Children

For younger school children, bedtime can be very difficult because they may fear that other family members may leave while they sleep. If they're sleep-deprived, they become irritable and may do poorly in school. They may also become clingy, even if they weren't clingy before the separation.⁶ Older school age children may feel angry at the parent who left. Some will try to take on the roles and responsibilities of the parent who's gone. Others hide their feelings by becoming very involved in many activities.

How to help

Give them plenty of opportunities to express their emotions. Let them know it's okay to feel sad and cry. Help them make friends with other children who are experiencing the same thing. It can be helpful for them to share feelings with an adult outside the family. Get them involved in activities and hobbies they enjoy, such as sports, music, and crafts. Children also appreciate having an object or possession from the absent parent. Having something touchable and concrete helps to lessen the distance between parent and child.⁶

Teenagers

Adolescents may distance themselves from others as a defense against their grief. They're generally in touch with their emotions, and they understand why their parent had to be deployed, but they still might feel resentful.⁶

How to Help

Keep communication lines open. Provide situations, such as family meals and running errands, when talking together feels natural. Give them a few extra responsibilities to help them feel important and to give them a sense of control. Frequently express the importance of the teenager in the family and the need for her help, but be careful not to burden her with the absent spouse's entire role.⁶

Maintaining Emotional Closeness During Military Separation

Maintaining emotional closeness during times of deployment can be very difficult. A woman whose husband was deployed during the Gulf War said she felt "so distant" from him even though he was able to call almost every day. "Even though we talked so often it was still hard to maintain closeness," she said.

Below are suggestions for staying close during separation.

• Send care packages with small items that may not be available in the area where the loved one is serving.⁵

• Send inexpensive gifts that have special meaning to you and to your loved one.³

• Make phone calls when possible. Be sure to keep phone calls meaningful and well planned to keep the cost down.³

• Send audio cassettes. This takes the voices of family members to the military person and vice versa without expensive phone calls. Those serving away might send home audio tapes with bedtime stories for children or personal history stories about their life that keep everyone feeling close to one another.^3,5

• Exchange photographs frequently so that those at home and the person away can see the changes in each other, such as new hairstyles, new surroundings, or life events.^3,5

• Send newspaper clippings, magazines, books, and other publications that help those away stay connected to life at home.⁵

• Send frequent letters with upbeat news from home. Focus on the positive, but don't sugarcoat life at home. Be sure to send cards on birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.^3,5

Handling Reunions After Separation

Reunion is sometimes more stressful than the separation, especially when the separation has been long. Deployment to a different culture can change understanding of the world and the returning soldier may come home with new priorities and attitudes that counter those previously held.⁸

Reunion can be even more difficult when the service member faced very dangerous or unpleasant living conditions. War veterans cannot help but be affected by the experience of war and witnessing death. Many have seen friends killed in battle and other very traumatic things. Because of the trauma caused by war, returning soldiers may experience antisocial behavior, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which may include traumatic nightmares, reliving of events, guilt, sleep disturbance, and exaggerated startle response.⁷ Each of these things can make it very difficult to return to normal family life, and family members need to give a lot of support in such situations.

When a service member returns, he may expect the family to be the same as when he left. During the war, expectations of home are shaped by the types and frequency of communication with home, and other expectation were created when the soldier was deployed.⁸ However, shifts in family roles took place during the separation and will take place again when the family is reunited (p. 278).² Because of these adjustments, many families experience strain and tension. Spouses often find their reunion is less romantic than they imagined it would be (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 1).¹

Both spouses should beware of building up unrealistic expectations for what things will be like when they're together again. People tend to remember each other as the picture they have in their wallet (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 3).¹ The longer the separation, the more everyone will have changed and the harder it will be to adjust back to everyday life.

Though reunions can be awkward as family members become reacquainted and readjusted, they also can be very happy and exciting. The reunion will be better if you don't have an unrealistic vision that any problems you had before the separation magically disappeared while the spouse was gone. Problems before the separation most likely will still be there (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 4).¹

When your family is finally reunited, don't try to get back to "normal" too quickly. Take time to enjoy one another and have some fun. Fun can relieve some of the tension that may be present during this time.

Suggestions for the returning spouse

• Ease yourself back into the family gradually. Don't try to force your way back in. If you do, family members may resent you. Rather, see yourself as a special guest for a while (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 6).¹

• As the "Special Guest," observe how the family has been running while you were gone. You may disagree with some things, but hold back verbalizing your feelings and gradually reenter the family routine. Discuss with your spouse any changes you think need to be made (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 6-7).¹

• If you handled finances before you left, don't take them over again too quickly, even if you see problems. Wait until things have calmed down a little before you bring up these issues (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 8).₁

• Don't immediately take over the disciplinarian role. As with other areas of the reunion process, ease your way back in. If you come home expecting to change things and shape up your children, you may ruin opportunities to bond with your children. Some children may even be afraid of the returning parent. Diving right in to the disciplinarian role can cause serious damage to the relationship between you and your children (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 9).¹

• Don't spoil your children upon returning. This can give your children a false sense of who you are, and they may expect you to spoil them from that point on (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 10).¹

• Surprise your spouse with a gift when you return from a new place. This way he or she can have "treasures" from different states or countries and cultures, and share in your experiences (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 11).¹

• Expect your spouse to have changed. Your spouse may have become more independent and may try to push you away from such things as child care and household chores. Be patient. Your spouse has had his or her own difficulties while you were away, including a lot of time to learn how to do things without you. It will take some time for things to equal out. It might disturb you if you think your spouse can cope without you, but remember that he or she was forced to do so, and any increased independence doesn't mean he or she cares about you any less (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 12).¹

• Be aware that some children may not be comfortable with your presence at first. Infants and toddlers may especially be uncomfortable. On the other hand, older children may not want you to go anywhere for fear you're leaving again (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 15-17).¹

• Plan a special activity with each child. This can help you become reacquainted and regain trust (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 18).¹

Suggestions for the spouse left at home

• Be sensitive to your spouse. He probably has been through and seen some very disturbing things. Don't expect him to tell you everything that he has experienced. Let him tell you things in his own time. He may be dealing with some very difficult emotional issues. Be there for him and encourage him (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 13).¹

• Be aware that your spouse might daydream more than he used to. He might have a hard time concentrating. He might be sorting out and dealing with the things he's experienced (AFC, Section III, Reunion, ¶ 14).¹

Dealing with Other Military Related Issues

Moving can be very hard for everyone involved, but it can be especially hard on teens. To help children and teens make the best of moving to a new place, go to the website, Military Teens On the Move (MTOM).It offers great ideas and help for teens on how to make the best of the situation. It can be difficult for them to leave all of their friends and make new ones. Even though moving is difficult, it can also be a new adventure. There will be new sites to see, new people to meet, and new friendships to create.

Below are some suggestions from the MTOM website of things teens and children can do before moving to another place to create some fun memories.

• Make a list of "What do I want to do before I leave?"

• Make a list of favorite places you want to visit one last time.

• Ask yourself, "Is there somewhere you want to go or something you want to try before you leave?"

• Try a new restaurant.

• Have a party.

• Take pictures of everyone and everything.

• Hang out with your friends.

• Find out as much as you can about your new hometown.

• Get all of your friend's addresses, phone numbers, and e-mail addresses and use them. Your friends will want to know what's going on in your life even though you may be far away.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Helpful Websites

Dads at a Distance

References

1. Air Force Crossroads (AFC). Predeployment guide: A tool for coping.
2. Black, W. G. (1993). Military induced family separation: A stress reduction intervention. Social Work, 38(3), 273-280
3. Jones, V. B. (1992, July). How to keep a military family close. Ensign, 66.
4. Krum, D. (1993, February). I have a question. Ensign, 29-32.
5. Long, L. T. (1991, April). We are all enlisted. Ensign, 38-41.
6. Murray, J. S. (2002). Helping children cope with separation during war. Journal for Specialists in Pediatric Nursing, 7(3), 127-130.
7. Rundell, J. R., & Ursano, R. (1996). Psychiatric responses to war trauma. In R. J. Ursano and A. E. Norwood (Eds.), Emotional aftermath of the persian gulf war: Veterans, families, communities, nations (43-70). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press.
8. Yerks, S. A., & Holloway, H. C. (1996). War and homecomings: The stressors of war and returning from war. In R. J. Ursano and A. E. Norwood (Eds.), Emotional aftermath of the persian gulf war: Veterans, families, communities, nations (pp. 25-42). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press.

Military families face many unique challenges, including the absence of a spouse for long periods of time and frequent moves. Military families can take many steps to minimize the disruption of these difficult times. Church members can also do many things to help military families in their wards.

Challenges Faced By Military

When a military family is transferred to another post, they are confronted with adjusting to a new neighborhood, new ward, and new schools.⁴ Some might find it difficult to fit in or might have trouble finding their way around a new city.

When a family member is deployed, other family members must take on more responsibility at the same time they have to emotionally deal with the absence of their loved one. The parent left at home must singly take on the responsibility of "rearing their children in love and righteousness . . . [providing] for their physical and spiritual needs . . . [teaching] them to love and serve one another [and teaching them] to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, ¶ 6).

Preparing for the Absence of a Family Member

The absence of a family member who is in the military is inevitable. If families prepare well, some of the stress can be relieved. Below are ideas to help you prepare.

• Resolve marital and family problems as they arise rather than putting off resolution. If your spouse has to leave on short notice, you might not have time to work things through.³

• Before a spouse leaves, inform ministers and other local church leaders so they can take extra care of your family.³

• Adjust the celebration date of birthdays, anniversaries, and other occasions so the military spouse can be present.³

• Hold a family council to plan how you will keep spirits high while your military loved one is absent.

• During a family council, make sure each family member understands his or her responsibilities during the military loved one's absence.³

• Arrange priesthood blessings for family members before a spouse or parent departs.

• If a family member is coming home on leave, carefully plan time together.³ Talk to your bishop about temporarily delegating church responsibilities so your family can be together as much as possible.

Maintaining Spiritual Closeness

• When a family member is away in the military, it can be difficult to sustain spiritual closeness. Here are a few ideas about how to stay close.

• Pray for your family member serving in the military. If you're the one serving, pray for your family. President Spencer W. Kimbal told about a young man who gained strength while serving in the military because he knew his family was praying for him.² "Reliance on a loving Heavenly Father and daily communication with him through prayer are essential to making any adjustment a success".⁴ Both those left at home and the person in the military can pray for one another's health, protection, and success.¹

• Study the scriptures daily.⁴

• Continue holding family home evening. Have the family member serving prepare a lesson in writing or on an audiotape and send it home.¹

• Attend the temple frequently and place the name of your military loved one on the temple prayer roll.

• Share your testimonies frequently with one another in letters or on audiotapes.

• Agree on a specific time during the day when each family member and the person who is away can pray for safety and for the spirit to be with each of you during your separation.

How Other Latter-day Saints Can Help Military Families

The separation caused by military service can be very hard on the spouse left at home to handle family responsibilities alone. Military spouses may feel isolated. They also may feel awkward attending ward activities planned for couples.¹ Below are suggestions for how fellow Latter-day Saints can help a family who has a member serving in the military.

• During church meetings, help a spouse who is alone with small children. Offer to sit with him or her during Sacrament Meeting. Help take the children to Primary or Sunday School class.⁴

• If you're a minister, volunteer to help with household tasks, depending on your skills and what's needed. You might help with cleaning, running errands, home repair, and car repair.

• If you're a minister, offer to take children for a few hours so the parent can have a break.

• If you invite a military spouse to an activity, ask if he or she will be comfortable coming alone. Some people are uncomfortable at a party or outing where everyone else is a couple while others would rather come alone than be excluded.

When frequent moves are the issue, it's important for the ward members to avoid treating military families as transient. Ward members who have lived in an area for a long time might avoid the effort it takes to include new, possibly temporary, families in their social circles. But they should make the effort to fellowship military families as they would any other fellow member.⁴ Below are suggestions to help new military families who have recently moved into your ward.

• Be warm and friendly. Help family members find the right Primary and Sunday School classes. Introduce them to other ward members.

• Show them around town. Help them learn important places like grocery stores, dentists, doctors, car repair shops, and laundromats. Give them a map. If there are areas they should avoid, mark them.⁴

• If you find out a military family is moving, treat them as if they will be in your ward forever. Many military families feel pushed away prematurely when others find out they are moving.⁴

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Jones, V. B. (1992, July). How to keep a military family close. Ensign, 66.
2. Kimball, S. W. ( 1973, July). The family influence. Ensign, 15-16.
3. Krum, D. (1993, February ). I have a question. Ensign, 29-32.
4. Long, L. T. (1991, April). We are all enlisted. Ensign, 38-41.