The Sacred Responsibility of Fathers

Throughout the world today, many cultures and societies are focusing more on fathers' roles and responsibilities. Many men want to be more involved fathers than their fathers were. The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that "by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners". (¶ 7)

While fathers have always been responsible for providing material needs and physical protection, more and more it's expected – and recognized as healthy -- that they provide emotional, social, and spiritual protection and support. These are sacred and moral obligations.

Fatherhood is not easy. Like motherhood, it's hard work. It's complex and demanding, and it requires sustained effort.⁷ Every father can expect to face problems as he tries to honorably meet his responsibilities. As he does, the children in his care will benefit enormously, whether they're biological, adopted, or stepchildren.

He, too, will find great rewards. "Fathering is potentially the most satisfying and probably the most demanding task that the life cycle has to offer them; they sense that the experiences of child rearing are about as enjoyable and about as difficult as life usually gets".²⁰

Children Need Involved Fathers

As fathers have become more involved with their children, researchers have been studying what benefits come from father-child interaction. Recent studies have found that children whose fathers are involved in their lives benefit in many ways. They –

• have a better ability to form relationships with others,⁹
• are more likely to have a secure and trusting relationship with their parents,⁵
• tend to be less hesitant or fearful when faced with new and unusual experiences,
• are more likely to explore the world around them,¹⁸
• have fewer problems overall,¹ and
• are more likely to experience feelings of sympathy or compassion as adults.¹²

Preterm infants whose fathers interacted with them in the hospital are more likely to gain weight, leave the hospital faster, and adjust to their environment.¹⁵

Children Need Fathers Who Provide

Providing financially for the family is an important way fathers can be involved in their children's lives. Without food on the table, a bed to sleep in, and clothes to wear, children can't move beyond survival mode.⁴ When possible, fathers should also make sure their children go to high-quality schools and have things that help them succeed, such as books, computers, and lessons.¹

King found that children whose fathers (custodial and non-custodial) provide financial support do better in reading, math, and other areas in school.¹¹ Fathers who live with their children can be more involved in daily activities with their children, such as meals, homework, yard work, and baths (for younger children).

Generative Fathering

Family researchers sometimes use the term "generative fathering" to describe fathers who consider it a privilege and an obligation to give the next generation the best possible start in life. According to Dollahite and Hawkins (1998), generative fathers resist stereotypes that say they're supposed to be providers and disciplinarians. They go far beyond narrow ideas about their role and instead meet their child's varied and changing needs whether or not doing so falls within traditional role expectations or not.⁷

Other principles of the generative approach include:

• Fathers are under the obligations of an ethical call from their children and communities to meet their children's needs.
• The needs of the next generation come first over the needs of adults. Children don't always have to take precedence over adult needs, but they usually do.
• When fathers have important choices to make, they keep uppermost in their minds the impact on the next generation.
• Fathers can and should connect with and care for their children in meaningful ways regardless of role expectations.⁷

Religion Can Help Men Become Better Fathers

A 1998 study found that the driving force behind many fathers' involvement with their children is their faith.¹³ Dollahite says, "If a father believes that God has called fathers to care for, protect and provide for, and teach and bless their children, then fathering becomes sacred service for God, not just a social role".⁷ He further says:

Religious faith can provide fathers . . . with a sense of identity and purpose, a meaning structure, a set of moral guidelines, social support in times of relational difficulty, and spiritual resources for personal and relational transformation.⁷

Merely professing faith or belonging to a religion isn't enough. It's active religious involvement that gives men a greater desire to be there for their children. Researchers Loren D. Marks and David C. Dollahite found in a 2001 study that going to church meetings reminded men of their responsibility to their children, encouraging them to be better fathers.¹⁶ Fathers who attend church are also more likely to be involved in both religious and non-religious youth activities.²¹

Religious fathers tend to be more emotionally involved with their children and show more emotional warmth toward them compared to non-religious fathers.³ Wilcox studied religiously involved conservative Protestant fathers and found they were more likely to interact one-on-one with their children and were more likely to have dinner with their families. ²¹

Fathers Benefit from Involvement with Their Children

Involved fathering is good not only for children but also for fathers. Palm argues that fatherhood helps men learn social skills which in turn help them understand the value of relationship and emotional intimacy. Men in American culture are typically taught to be tough, independent, and in control, he says. By spending time with children, they can reexamine these expectations and develop relationship skills they otherwise probably wouldn't learn.¹⁷

Palm describes several important things men can learn from their children:

• Children help fathers regulate, express, and learn sensitivity to emotions. Involved fathers learn quickly that their children look to them for an example of how to show anger, disappointment, sadness, happiness, and excitement. This tends to make fathers take a closer look at how they show – or don't show – their own emotions.¹⁷ "Emotions are deepened as men form connections with children and share in their feelings. . . . A child's direct and intense emotions remind men that their own emotions have often been over-controlled and denied".¹⁷

• Children help fathers become more caring and nurturing. When a father is involved, he learns new ways of caring, nurturing, listening, and expressing affection.¹⁷

• Children help fathers gain empathy. Every father who spends time with his young children finds out he has to deal with their intense and changing emotions. As he learns to interpret his children's feelings, he gains empathy.¹⁷ In a comparison between Japan and the United States, Ishii-Kuntz found that fathers whose children report frequent child interaction are more likely to view themselves as understanding and emotionally close parents.¹⁰

• Children help fathers learn to delay gratification. When men have to take responsibility for their children's needs, they learn to delay their own needs to focus on their children. For example, a father may feed his hungry child before he feeds himself, teaching him the valuable principle of delayed gratification.¹⁰

• Children help fathers gain an expanded sense of self. One researcher found that men describe a sense of esteem that comes from their role as fathers. When their first child is born, they find a new sense of self that comes from the fulfillment of simply producing a new life.¹⁷ As they become involved in their growing children's lives, a positive self-image continues to grow.¹⁰

• Children cause fathers to examine themselves closely. Children are constantly reflecting a parent's values and behaviors. They copy all kinds of adult behavior -- good and bad. Many fathers, for example, are rudely awakened to their vulgar language habits when their child starts repeating what they say. This innocent reflection of their coarser selves causes most men to re-examine themselves and see what they need to change for the benefit of their children. Children also can prompt fathers to look at their beliefs and values. Fathers may change behaviors like church attendance to ensure they are passing on good values to their children. "Children put pressure on fathers to be as good as they want their children to be".¹⁷

Overcoming Barriers to Good Fathering

Every father experiences barriers to involved fathering. Gadsden, Pitt, and Tift identify some of those barriers and how to overcome them:

• Poor education. This limits employment options for fathers and makes it harder for them to provide for their families.⁸ Men can overcome this barrier by going to a trade school, community college, or university and making themselves more marketable.

• Isolation, poverty, and hopelessness. Low-income fathers who live in poverty-stricken areas tend to experience a sense of isolation and hopelessness about their future. They may not know how to plan for the future or have much information about how to be a good father.⁸ This barrier can be overcome by doing everything possible to find work and education in a more economically stable community. A major change like this isn't easy, but it can be done with persistence and determination.

• Lack of preparation for fatherhood and family life. Young men need to be educated about parenting and its responsibilities.⁸ They need to be prepared for the hard work and sacrifice day-to-day fathering requires. Attending classes in junior high and high school, such as Adult Roles, where students are taught about the responsibilities of marriage, finances, and child rearing can help.

• Beliefs about the roles of men and women. Sometimes ideas about masculinity and femininity devalue the personal qualities needed for involved fatherhood. The common idea that men should control and suppress their emotions interferes with creating a healthy family life and a nurturing environment for children. Society's messages that say men need to control while women need to take care of the home keep men from playing an active role in family life.⁸

Men can resist these beliefs by rejecting the idea that participating in traditionally feminine activities means they are any less male. Men can be fully male while also learning about child care and child development, sharing feelings with their children and spouse, preparing meals, doing laundry, and cleaning the house.

• Underestimating how much work it takes to be a good father. Good fathering, like good mothering, doesn't come automatically. It's a skill that develops with time and effort.⁸ When a father arrives home from his job, his work isn't over. It's the time for him to assume his role as a father in the home, a role that is both hard work and lots of fun.

Practical Ideas for Becoming More Involved with Your Children

Fathers can do many things to become more involved with their children. The following ideas are adapted from http://fatherwork.byu.edu.

Ideas for fathers with children of any age:

• Express love, concern, appreciation, and forgiveness often. Give verbal affection, including praise, thanks, and "I love you's."

• Show genuine interest in your children's daily experiences. Ask them questions about what they do each day. Open-ended questions ("What did you like best about your field trip?") offer more chance for discussion than yes-no questions ("Did you learn anything at school today?")

• Attend parent-teacher conferences at your child's school. Rearrange your schedule if you need to.

• Spend time listening and talking about your child's day.

• Choose an interest you and your child both share and plan activities around that interest.

• Attend your child's events, such as sports games, music recitals, plays, school events.

• Tell your child stories about things you experienced when you were his or her age.

• Include your child as you plan vacations and trips so you go to places and do things that interest him or her.

For fathers with infants:

• Talk to your infant in a pleasant soothing voice, using simple language.

• Listen to and respond to sounds your child makes and imitate them. Take turns babbling.

• Engage your infant in frequent face-to-face, one-on-one interactions that include cuddling, tickling, smiling, hugging, kissing, and making eye contact.

• Play with your baby.

• Feed your baby, change his or her diaper, be part of bedtime routines, and go to doctor appointments.

Ideas for fathers with toddlers and preschoolers:

• While bathing your child, play-act with toys like boats, ducks, water wheels, cups, and saucers, etc. Don't be afraid to act over-dramatic.

• Take your child to a park with swings, low slides, and small climbing equipment. Stay alongside her as she plays.

• Play with your child using different mediums, such as sand, water, rice, beans. Use funnels, measuring cups, a waterwheel, shovels, buckets, etc. Be creative and explore.

• Go fly a kite or go on a picnic.

• Show love and affection by hugging, kissing, wrestling, tickling, giving horse rides.

• As you help your child dress, teach him how to tie shoes, undo buckles, and do up buttons or zippers.

• Tune in to the moments when your child is spontaneously adventurous, such as deciding to build a fort with sheets and blankets and be willing to drop things so you can join her.

• Provide children's books with lots of repetition in them (for example, There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly; Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See; The Napping House) This encourages pre-reading skills because they can memorize or anticipate what the words say.

Ideas for fathers with six to eight-year-olds:

• Work on a project together that integrates different skills, such as science, math, art, social development, and language. For example, build a play store, buy an aquarium, produce a family newspaper, make a nature collection, make a book, build something out of wood.

• Teach your child specific skills such as how to fish, throw a ball, do a flip on the trampoline, do magic tricks, swim.

• Be aware of your child's homework assignments. Be available for help and make sure he completes them.

• Work together mowing the lawn, trimming the edges, weeding, planting, fixing the car.

Ideas for fathers with eight- to twelve-year-olds:

• Coach your child in how to handle difficult social situations by giving him hypothetical scenarios. For example, ask your child: "If someone's bullying you on the playground, what can you do about it?" Then discuss options for handling the situation.

• Work together planting and caring for a garden, fixing a bike, building a model airplane, organizing the garage.

• Have fun together by going to the zoo, an amusement park, a fair, a national park, a nearby lake.

Ideas for fathers with teenagers:

• Set aside a time when you and your spouse can discuss with your teenager his or her future plans and goals, including high school activities, dating, college, marriage, and career.

• Meet your teenager's friends. By making your house available for parties, watching videos, or informal gatherings, you can more easily meet and have fun with your teenager's social group.

• Go with your teenager to do errands. This is a natural way to be with her and communicate with her without it being a formal "sit down and talk" session.

Written by Jeremy S. Boyle, Research Assistant, and edited by David C. Dollahite and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Amato, P. R. (1998). More than money? Men's contributions to their children's lives. In A. Booth & A. Crouter (Eds.), Men in families (pp. 241–278). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
2. Amato, P. R., & Rivera F. (1999). Paternal involvement and children's behavior problems. Journal of Marriage & Family, 61, 375–384.
3. Bartkowski, J. P., & Xu, X. (2000). Distant patriarchs or expressive dads? The discourse and practice of fathering in conservative protestant families. Sociological Quarterly, 41(3), 465–485.
4. Christiansen, S. L., & Palkovitz, R. (2001). Why the "good provider" role still matters: Providing as a form of Paternal Involvement. Journal of Family Issues, 22(1) 94–106.
5. Cox, M. J., Owen, M. T., Henderson, V. K., & Margand, N. A. (1992). Prediction of infant-father and infant-mother attachment. Developmental Psychology, 28(3), 474–483.
6. Dollahite, D. C. (1998). Fathering, faith, and spirituality. The Journal of Men's Studies, 7(1), 3-15
7. Dollahite, D. C. & Hawkins, A. J. (1998). A conceptual ethic of generative fathering. The Journal of Men's Studies, 7(1), 109–132.
8. Gadsden, V. L., Pitt, E. W., & Tift, N. (2001). Research can practice on fathers in high-risk families: exploring the need and potential areas for collaboration. In J. Fagan & A. Hawkins (Eds.),Clinical and educational interventions with fathers (pp. 257–283). New York: The Haworth Clinical Practice Press.
9. Gottfried, A. E., Bathurst, K., & Gottfried, A. W. (1994). Role of maternal and dual-earner employment status in children's development. In A. E. Gottfried & A. W. Gottfried (Eds.),Redefining families, Implications for children's development (pp. 55–97). New York: Plenum Press.
10. Ishii-Kuntz, M. (1994). Paternal involvement and perception toward fathers' roles: A comparison Between Japan and the United States. Journal of Family Issues, 15(1), 30–48.
11. King, V. (1994). Non-resident father involvement and child well being: Can dads make a difference. Journal of Family Issues, 15(1), 78–96.
12. Koestner, R., Franz, C., & Weinberger, J. (1990). The family origins of empathic concern: A 26-year longitudinal study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(4), 709–717.
13. Latshaw, Jason S. (1998). The centrality of faith in fathers' role construction: the faithful father and the axis mundi paradigm. The Journal of Men's studies, 7(1), 53–70.
14. Levine, J. A., & Pitt, E. W. (1995). New Expectations: Community strategies for responsible fatherhood. New York: Families and Work institute.
15. Levy-Shift, R., Hoffman, M. A., Mogilner, S., Levinger, S., & Mogilner, M. B. (1990). Father's hospital visits to their infants as a predictor of father-infant relationship and infant development. Pediatrics, 86, 289–293.
16. Marks, L. D. & Dollahite, D. C. (2001). Religion, relationships, and responsible fathering in latter-day saint families of children with special needs. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18(5), 625–650.
17. Palm, G. F. (1993). Involved fatherhood: A second chance. Journal of Men's Studies, 2(2) 139- 155.
18. Pruett, K. D. (2001). What a difference a dad makes. Work & Family Life, 15(9), 1-5
19. Single-Rushton, W., & Garfinkel, I. (2002). The effects of welfare, child support and labor markets on father involvement. In C. S. Tamis-Lemonda & N. Cabrera (Eds.), Handbook of father involvement: multidisciplinary perspectives (pp. 409–427). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
20. Snarey, J. (1993). How fathers care for the next generation: A four-decade study. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
21. Wilcox, W. B. (2002). Religion, convention, and paternal involvement. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64, 780–792.

When a man chooses to become a father, he also chooses to assume sacred responsibilities that come with that role. Leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have reminded fathers of their responsibility to provide for the spiritual, temporal, and emotional needs of their families, to protect their wife and children, to lovingly preside in the home, and to be a spiritual leader in their homes.

President Gordon B. Hinckley explained a father's responsibility to meet his family's needs as follows:⁴

Those needs are more than food, clothing, and shelter. Those needs include righteous direction and the teaching, by example as well as precept, of basic principles of honesty, integrity, service, respect for the rights of others, and an understanding that we are accountable for that which we do in this life, not only to one another but also to the God of heaven, who is our Eternal Father.

Providing for Temporal Needs

The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that fathers "are responsible to provide the necessities of life. . . for their families" (¶ 7, ¶ 33).

President Howard W. Hunter explained that fathers "have the responsibility, unless disabled, to provide temporal support for [their] wife and children. No man can shift the burden of responsibility to another, not even to his wife".⁵

1 Timothy 5:8 says, "But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel".

In some cases, fathers legitimately cannot meet this responsibility. Of these circumstances, the Proclamation says, "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed" (¶ 7).⁵

Providing Protection

The Proclamation also says that fathers "are responsible to provide. . . protection for their families" (¶ 7). Children need a sense of security, and Howard W. Hunter described how fathers can provide this security: "A righteous father protects his children with his time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities. Tender expressions of love and affection toward children are as much the responsibility of the father as the mother".

Providing Leadership in the Home

The Proclamation states that "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness" (¶ 7).

President Spencer W. Kimball said fathers should carry out this duty "as Jesus Christ presides over his church—in love, in service, in tenderness".⁶

President Hinckley taught fathers that "[theirs] is the basic and inescapable responsibility to stand as head of the family".⁴

Some men think that to preside is to have power over their wife and children, but President Hinckley explained that "a father's responsibility does not carry with it any implication of dictatorship or unrighteous dominion".⁵ President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles emphasized that husbands and wives should work together as equals:⁷

In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together. While the husband, the father, has responsibility to provide worthy and inspired leadership, his wife is neither behind him nor ahead of him but at his side.

In some cultures men are taught that fathers and husbands should be dominating and authoritarian and should make all important decisions. But the gospel teaches otherwise. Elder Richard G Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said:⁹

That pattern needs to be tempered so that both husband and wife act as equal partners, making decisions in unity for themselves and their family. No family can long endure under fear or force; that leads to contention and rebellion. Love is the foundation of a happy family.⁹

The Doctrine and Covenants teaches that "no power or influence can or ought to be maintained. . . , only by persuasion, long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile" (121:41, 42). When fathers follow this counsel, they will earn the respect of their wives and children, helping them become more effective in their role.

Providing Spiritual Leadership

Perhaps the most important part of a father's role in his home is providing spiritual leadership. Elder F. Melvin Hammond of the Seventy said:³

Every father in the Church should function as the patriarch of his home. He should take the lead in spiritually guiding the family. He ought not to delegate nor abrogate his responsibilities to the mother. He should call for family prayer, family home evening, scripture reading, and occasional father interviews. He is the protector, the defender, and the kindly source of discipline. It is the father who should lead, unify, and solidify the family.³

President Ezra Taft Benson offered ten ways fathers can become better spiritual leaders:¹

• Maintain your worthiness so you can give father's blessings to your children. Baptize and confirm your children. Ordain your sons to the priesthood. These will become spiritual highlights in the lives of your children.

• Personally direct family prayers, daily scripture reading, and weekly family home evenings. Your personal involvement will show your children how important these activities are.

• Whenever possible, attend Church meetings together as a family. Family worship under your leadership is vital to your children's spiritual welfare.

• Make sure your family has fun together. Go on campouts and picnics, to ball games and recitals, to school programs and parent-teacher conferences. Go on daddy-daughter dates and father-son outings. Having Dad there makes all the difference.

• Build family traditions, such as family vacations, holiday activities, and birthday celebrations. Your children will never forget the memories you build together on these occasions.

• Have regular one-on-one visits with your children. This personal time tells them they are Dad's top priority. When you meet together, give your children a chance to lead the conversation. Teach them gospel principles and good values. Tell them you love them.

• Teach your children to work. Show them the value of working toward a worthy goal. If you establish mission funds and education funds, you'll show your children what Dad considers important.

• Encourage good music, art, and literature in your home. Homes that have a spirit of refinement and beauty bless the lives of children.

• As distances allow, regularly attend the temple with your wife. By your example, your children will come to understand the importance of temple marriage, temple vows, and the eternal family unit.

• Let your children see that you find joy and satisfaction in service to the Church. Your joy can become contagious to them so that they, too, will want to serve.

Understanding Your Sacred Calling

As men become fathers it's important for them to realize the sacredness of this calling. President Ezra Taft Benson reminded men of the sacred and eternal nature of fatherhood in the Priesthood session of October 1987 General Conference: "Remember your sacred calling as a father in Israel—your most important calling in time and eternity—a calling from which you will never be released" (¶ 38).¹

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Benson, E. T. (1987, November). To the fathers in Israel. Ensign, 48-51.
2. The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1995, November). The Family: A proclamation to the world. Ensign, 102.
3. Hammond, F. M. (2002, November). Dad, are you awake. Ensign, 97-99.
4. Hinckley, G. B. (1993, November). Bring up a child in the way he should go. Ensign, 54-61.
5. Hunter, Howard W. (1994, November). Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Ensign
6. Kimball, S. W. (1976, May). Boys need heroes close by. Ensign, 45-48.
7. Packer B. K. (1998, May). The relief society. Ensign, 72-75.
8. Perry, L. T. (1977, November). Father—Your role, your responsibility. Ensign, 62-64.
9. Scott, R. G. (1998, May). Removing barriers to happiness. Ensign, 85-87.