The Case for Marriage Preparation

An old adage warns that "he who fails to prepare, prepares to fail." Most people heed this warning when it comes to pursuits like a career or a major athletic event. But surprisingly few prepare for what is arguably the most important pursuit of all - a successful marriage.

With the risk for divorce in the United States hovering around 40-50%, it’s startling that so few people take marriage preparation seriously. But many couples, in fact, never discuss the most important issues before they get married, such as expectations about children and child-rearing, beliefs about male-female roles, and ideas about how they'll handle conflict. One study showed that only 30% participated in even one to two hours of marriage preparation. ⁷A 1997 U.S. national survey showed that only 36 percent of couples married in the previous five years had premarital counseling through their religious organization.¹² Recent studies of college young adults show that more than 90 percent say they believe marriage preparation is important but only 35% intend to formally prepare.^{4, 5}

Marriage can be one of life's sweetest ventures, but it is also one of the riskiest. Couples and communities are wise to invest in and support active preparation for marriage.

Common Problem Areas

Many young couples' expectations of marriage revolve around the false belief that love will get them through rough times. While love is important, it won’t be enough if couples don't have the basic attitudes and skills they need for successful marriage. Lasting marriages require partners who respect one another, who have gained knowledge about what makes marriage work, and who have developed skills that will enhance the relationship.

Most couples face their most serious challenges during the first five years of marriage. Researchers Risch, Riley and Lawler⁸ of Creighton University found that among couples married less than five years, the top ten problem areas are:

1. balancing job and family
2. frequency of sexual relations
3. debt brought into marriage
4. husband's employment
5. finances
6. expectations about household tasks
7. constant bickering
8. poor communication
9. problems with parents or in-laws
10. lack of time together

Through conscious marriage preparation, many of these issues can be discussed and plans can be made to handle them so they don't become toxic to a nearly marriage.

What Is Marriage Preparation?

Marriage preparation is training through courses, seminars, or counseling that prepares couples for a successful marriage. Training often focuses on developing skills such as communication, handling conflict, solving problems, and making decisions. It might also include help in developing the knowledge, attitudes, expectations, and characteristics that are important to creating a satisfying relationship.

An important purpose of marriage preparation is to help each partner assess his or her personal readiness for marriage. It can also help couples become aware of the assets and liabilities of their relationship, which are important factors in deciding who and when to marry. As they evaluate these factors, couples have a chance to slow things down and think seriously about their relationship. In other words, premarital education allows couples to plan their marriage rather than just a wedding.

Goals of marriage preparation often include developing skills in the following areas: communication, friendship, commitment to the relationship, intimacy, and problem solving. Instruction usually includes applying these skills to such issues as family of origin and individual backgrounds, conflict, finances, leisure and recreational interests, role expectations, couple interaction patterns, sexuality and affection, fun and friendship, expectations about children and parenting, decision-making, education/career goals and expectations, religious or spiritual values and expectations, and plans for the wedding.⁹

The Benefits of Preparation

Couples tend to get wrapped up in romance and passion. Marriage preparation programs can help them slow down, think, and approach their relationship in a more considered, thoughtful way. Preparation programs compel couples to take the time to talk about their future marriage relationship¹¹ and, if needed, delay the wedding until concerns are addressed. Delay and deliberation can help some couples discover problems that may lead them not to marry at all, saving them from the agony of marital distress and divorce.¹¹

Researchers Jason Carroll of Brigham Young University and William J. Doherty² of the University of Minnesota found that people who participate in premarital program experience a 30% increase in marital outcome success than those who don't participate. Couples report improved communication, better conflict management skills, higher dedication to one's mate, greater emphasis on the positive aspects of a relationship, and improved overall relationship quality. Carroll and Doherty found that most marriage preparation programs are effective in helping couples communicate better, improve their conflict management skills, and gain a higher-quality relationship overall. These benefits appear to hold for six months to three years after the program is over. In addition, these benefits also extend to couples who enter marriage with greater risks⁶, such as coming from homes where parents had divorced or had high levels of conflict.

Marriage preparation programs also help couples realize the gravity of deciding to marry. When premarital education is added to religious influence, such as a belief that marriage is a holy union, couples are more likely to see their wedding as an "important ritual that can strengthen the foundation of their marriage".¹¹

For couples rushing into marriage, marriage preparation can be especially beneficial. Dr. Scott Stanley¹¹, a marriage specialist at the University of Denver said,

The lack of time knowing one another compounds the need for some thoughtful deliberation about their union. For such couples, a time where they are encouraged to be reflective might slow them in their rush to marriage that otherwise puts them at increased risk (p. 273).

Researchers who developed a program called PREPARE found that 10 to 15% of couples taking their questionnaire within six months of their wedding date decided not to marry because they realized it would not work out¹¹ (p. 273; personal communication between Stanley and Olson).

Marriage preparation also benefits the community. When a religious or government body encourages premarital education, they're showing that the community cares about marriage and wants each marriage to succeed. "A message is given that the community is involved in what otherwise has come to be seen as an individual event".¹¹

Participating in premarital education is both fun and informative. People learn many things about their potential spouse that they never even thought to consider. They often have eye-opening experiences that can be both enlightening and humorous. Discussing topics like household chores, in-laws, employment, and sexual relations helps couples identify one another's expectations. It also helps couples discover areas of disagreement before they get married. Sometimes these discussions uncover information that a future spouse is involved in behavior that will be destructive to the marriage relationship - critical information to know before marriage.

As couples carefully discuss the issues that come up in their preparation, they often come to appreciate their future spouse more. Some realize he or she is not the right person to marry. With either outcome, premarital preparation will have been a success.

Dr. Stephen Duncan of Brigham Young University provides a personal example of the benefits of marriage preparation - in this case unintentional preparation:

During my master's program, I took an "Introduction to Marriage and Family Therapy" course. One assignment was to attend five “enrichment" sessions with a partner. The partner could be anyone, but immediately I thought of several women I knew. I decided to ask Barbara.

Barbara and I had been friends for over a year and just recently felt attracted to one another. I assured Barbara that the enrichment experience was just for a class, for "science," I joked. She agreed to participate.

During the first session, we explored our families. We mapped out our families on the chalkboard and described the relationships we had with each member. Our first assignment was to go out and get to know each other.

We talked for hours about our families and backgrounds. We spent the next day together too, having dinner with her grandparents and father, who just happened to be in town.

The sessions helped us get to know each other from the inside out. We also benefited from the hour-long ride to and from the university, when we talked about many important matters.

Through this assignment I gained something far more important and valuable than an A on the paper. Barbara and I became engaged and married a few months afterward. This unintentional premarital counseling experience set the stage for understanding, kindness, consideration, friendship, and sharing that continues to be an important part of our very satisfying 21-year marriage.

Consequences of Failing to Prepare

Dr. Brent A. Barlow¹, professor of family life at Brigham Young University, relates an experience that illustrates what can happen when couples don’t prepare. One evening a former student who had been married only two weeks called him in distress. "Marriage is nothing like I thought it would be," she said, crying. She complained that her husband was less attentive than when they first got married, that he was leaving his clothes lying around, and that they were already running out of money. She and her husband had not taken the time to prepare for their life together, and she didn’t know how to even begin to deal with her shattered expectations (pp. 111-112).

Types of Premarital Preparation

General preparation. General programs can benefit anyone, whether they’re in a relationship or want to prepare for being in a relationship. They’re offered through high schools, colleges, faith communities, and adult community education courses. Some programs focus on attitudes and expectations while others focus on developing specific skills such as communication, handling conflict, solving problems, and making decisions. For a list of some of the best-known and best-researched programs, see the Forever Families article, Strengthening Marriage through Marriage Enrichment Programs.

Premarital counseling. Clergy, professional health workers, and physicians¹⁰ (p. 39) are the three main providers of premarital counseling. A good portion of premarital counseling occurs in church setting, usually overseen by the denominational leader. Some faiths require specific preparation before a couple can be married by clergy of that faith. For example, they might require:

• Three to six months of marriage preparation.
• Counseling sessions with clergy or other counselors.
• General classes about marriage and divorce.
• Participation in a weekend marriage seminar.

A major benefit of premarital counseling is that couples establish a relationship with someone they can consult to help them solve marital problems later on if needed.¹¹

Books. Reading a good book is a fun and practical way to gain knowledge about marriage. Some books take a religious standpoint and others donor. Several are based on the life experiences of others. Fewer are based on scientific research. Good information is available from any of these types of books, but make sure any particular book is based on reliable information and is supportive of your personal values. The following is a list of books based on scientific research:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman & Nan Silver, 1999

• Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last, by John Gottman & Nan Silver,1995

• Should We Stay Together: A Scientifically Proven Method For Evaluating Your Relationship and Improving Its Chances for Long-Term Success , by Jeffry H. Larson, 2000

• Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving Lasting Love , by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, & Susan Blumberg, 2001

• Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths, by David H. Olson & Amy K. Olson, 2000

Relationship Questionnaires. Questionnaires or surveys can offer valuable insights to couples preparing for marriage. They help uncover strengths and weaknesses and identify areas where improvement is needed. Some of these programs charge a minimal fee.

• The RELATionship Evaluation (RELATE) Questionnaire covers every major predictor of marital quality. It provides an illustrated report covering more than 60 aspects of the relationship. http://www.relate-institute.org. It can be completed within about one hour.

• FOCCUS asks 189 questions, then produces a couple profile. It is available in four editions: General, Christian Non-Denominational, Catholic, and Alternate (for learning impaired).http://www.foccusinc.com

• PREPARE requires that couples locate a counselor in their area trained in this program. The counselor administers the 195-question test and provides three to six counseling sessions based on the test results. http://www.lifeinnovations.com

Deciding Which Type of Premarital Education Is Best for You

The following questions can help you decide which type of program is best for you.

• Am I less self-motivated and/or do I learn best by listening to others (an "audible" learner)? If yes, a pre-marriage seminar or pre-marital counselor may be your best option.

• Do I enjoy reading and/or am I a visual learner? If yes, reading books and completing an online relationship evaluation may be a good choice.

• Do I want my preparation to have a religious component? If yes, talk with a member of your clergy to see what programs your church provides.

Some couples may want to participate in all three types or programs so they can receive a wide range of training.

Conclusion

Churches, synagogues, and communities can help premarital preparation be more successful. When couples see their marriages as a holy union that is accepted by a supreme being, they have a solid foundation to build on. Likewise, when the community shows support for premarital prevention efforts, couples feel that others want their marriage to succeed.

Whatever form of premarital education you choose, make sure you practice and make the most of your experience. The more you learn before you get married, the more smoothly your relationship will go when you do get married.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Barlow, B. A. (1992). Just for newlyweds. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.
2. Carroll, J. S. & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52, 105-118.
3. Duncan, S. F. (2001, April 5). Marriage preparation important, often neglected. Deseret News.
4. Duncan, S. F., Box, G., & Silliman, B. (1996). Racial and gender effects on perceptions of marriage preparation programs among college-educated young adults. Family Relations, 45, 80-90.
5. Duncan, S. F., & Wood, M. M. (2003). Perceptions of marriage preparation among college-educated young adults with greater family-related risks for marital disruption. The Family Journal, 11, 342-352.
6. Halford, K. W., Sanders, M. R., & Behrens, B. C. (2001). Can skills training prevent relationship problems in at-risk couples? Four-year effects of behavioral relationship education program. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 750-768.
7. Olson, D. H. (1983). How effective is marriage preparation? In D. R. Mace (Ed.), Prevention in family services: Approaches to family wellness (pp. 65-75). Beverly Hills: Sage.
8. Risch, G. S., Riley, L. A.., & Lawler, M. G. (2003). Problematic issues in the early years of marriage: Content for premarital education. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 31(3), 253-269.
9. Stahmann, R. J. & Salts, C. J. (1993). Educating for marriage and intimate relationships. In M. E. Arcus, J. D. Schaneveldt, & J. J. Moss (Eds.), Handbook of family life education: The practice of family life education , Vol. 2 (pp. 33-61). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.
10. Stahmann, R. J. & Hiebert, W. J. (1997). Premarital and premarital counseling: The professional's handbook. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
11. Stanley, S. M. (2001). Making a case for premarital education. Family Relations, 50, 272-280.
12. Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1997). Marriage in the 90s: A nationwide random phone survey. A marital research poll by PREP, Inc. Denver: PREP, Inc.
13. Senediak, C. (1990). The value of premarital education. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 11(1), 26-31.
14. Valiente, C. E., Belanger, C. J. & Estrada, A. U. (2002). Helpful and harmful expectations of premarital interventions. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 71-77.

In all dispensations of time, God has commanded his people to prepare. Old Testament prophets commanded people to prepare to meet God (Isaiah 40:30, King James Version). In the New Testament, Luke (12:47) says the servant who knows the will of God and does not prepare will be beaten down. In the Book of Mormon, Alma tells us that this life is a "time to prepare to meet God" (Alma 12:24). In modern revelation, the Lord commands his children to prepare for the day when he will come again (Doctrine & Covenants 43:20-21; 133:10).

In modern times, President Ezra Taft Benson¹ quoted the old saying that it's "better to prepare and prevent than it is to repair and repent" (¶ 13). Further modern revelation commands saints to prepare every needful thing (Doctrine & Covenants 88:119) and to be prepared for the things to come (Doctrine & Covenants 45:61; 1:12). Most importantly, the Lord has told his people, "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" (Doctrine & Covenants 38:30).

We can apply this counsel from ancient and modern prophets to many aspects of our lives. One important area is marriage preparation. Many young couples express fears about marriage, but if they prepare themselves emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually -- with the help of others -- they will greatly increase their chance of a thriving marriage.

The Case for Marriage Preparation

Many people spend years preparing for a successful career. They go to college, vocational school, or professional school. Few spend nearly as much time preparing for an even more important endeavor - marriage. Elder David B. Haight⁴ of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "Too many people are inadequately prepared for this lofty responsibility" (¶ 19). A Young Women’s manual points out that "many people spend more time in choosing business partner, a home, or even an automobile than they do in selecting a marriage partner"³ (¶ 4).

Elder Haight further said,

Considering the enormous importance of marriage, it is rather astonishing that we don't make better preparation for success. Usually, young couples date for a few months or for a year or two, enjoying romance and getting acquainted, and then get married. Once married, they soon learn that romance must blend with spiritual beliefs, in-law relationships, money issues, and serious discussions involving ethics, children, and the running of a home (¶ 18).

In an article in the Improvement Era, Sister Patsy Pollard⁶ said, “Preparation for marriage is a lifelong process. It must be planned for, lived for, sacrificed for, prayed for, and even suffered for. Our living cannot be very purposeful if we just glide into marriage without thoughtful preparation" (p. 108).

As couples prepare for marriage, they typically spend countless hours planning the wedding and honeymoon. It would be wiser to carefully plan the marriage itself -- how they will handle marital adjustments, deal with conflict, and make childrearing decisions² (p. 55). If individuals and couples do not prepare, their marriage can end in an unhappy family life or a painful divorce. Often this sorrow can be avoided if young men and women prepare, set standards, and follow them³ (¶ 4).

How to Prepare

The Family: A Proclamation to the World outlines many marital responsibilities. All require hard work and preparation. If you're engaged or considering marriage, the following questions will help you recognize areas where you need more preparation.

• Am I informed about sexual intimacy and prepared to engage in the "sacred powers of procreation"? (¶ 4)

• Do I know my responsibilities in caring for my future spouse and children? (¶ 6)

• Do I know what it takes to "rear children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens"? (¶ 6)

• Am I prepared and do I understand what it means to "honor marital vows with complete fidelity"? (¶ 7)

• If a man, am I prepared to "preside over [my family] in love and righteousness, and. . . Provide the necessities of life and protection for [my family]"? (¶ 7)

• If a woman, am I prepared to nurture and care for my future children? (¶ 7)

• Do I know what it means and am I prepared "to help [my spouse] as [an] equal partner"? (¶ 7)

• Am I willing to deal with "disability, death, or other circumstances [that] may necessitate individual adaptation"? (¶ 7)

• Am I prepared to fulfill my family responsibilities so I can stand before God knowing I have done my best? (¶ 8)

• Have I learned to control my anger? Am I aware that abusing my spouse or children in any way, verbal or physical, or failing to fulfill my responsibility to them will bring upon me the judgments of God? (¶ 8)

Help and Training as You Prepare

As couples contemplate marriage, training can be helpful. Drs. Antone K. Romney and Henry L. Isaksen in the May 1954 Improvement Era⁷ said, “Young people not only should have the example of a worthy home, but should also turn to other institutions which will assist them in their preparation for marriage" (p. 307). Most churches, colleges, universities, and communities offer marriage preparation counseling or courses. Many wards offer the Marriage and Family Relations course as an optional course during the Sunday school hour. The first eight lessons of this course are especially helpful for marriage preparation. Whether or not your ward offers this course, the course materials are available on-line at www.lds.org under “Curriculum." Your bishop and other church leaders also can help you individually prepare for a successful marriage.

It's important to make sure you have reached a reasonable level of maturity in love, patience, kindness, charity, and other Christ-like qualities. Each of these attributes is not acquired all at once. Many take time to develop. Church leaders and other trusted individuals can help you gauge where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Improving your weaknesses will help you build a stronger foundation for marriage.

An important practical area of preparation is conflict management and communication skills. All good marriage preparation courses address this issue. Practicing these skills before you marry will improve your chances of successful marriage.

Articles for Further Help

Below is a list of talks by General Authorities and other church leaders that can help you prepare for marriage. Click on the links to go to the articles.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "Covenant Marriage," Ensign, Nov. 1996, p. 26.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, "Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry," Ensign, May 1998, p. 49.

President Spencer W. Kimball, "The Marriage Decision," Ensign, Feb. 1975, p. 2.

Elder Boyd K. Packer, "Foretime and All Eternity," Ensign, Nov. 1993, p. 21.

Elder F. Burton Howard, "Eternal Marriage," Ensign, May 2003, p. 92.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland, "How do I love thee?"

Elder Boyd K. Packer, "Marriage, “Ensign, May 1981, p. 13.

Elder David B. Haight, "Marriage and Divorce," Ensign, May 1984, p. 12.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "The Gospel and Romantic Love," Ensign, Oct. 1982, p. 4.

President Boyd K. Packer, "The Holy Temple," Ensign, Feb. 1995, p. 32.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "Your Longing for Family Joy," Ensign, Oct. 2003, p. 28.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie, "Agency or Inspiration?" New Era, Jan. 1975, p. 38.

Homer Ellsworth, "Have a Question," Ensign,Aug. 1979, p. 23 (article on birth control).

Elder Joe J. Christensen, "Greed, Selfishness, and Overindulgence," Ensign, May 1999, p. 9.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton, "Family Communications," Ensign, May 1976, p. 52.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Benson, E. T. (1988, January). The message: The law of chastity. Ensign, 4-7.
2. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1992). Handling adjustments in marriage. In Achieving a Celestial Marriage (student manual), 55-61. Salt Lake City, UT: Church Educational System.
3. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1994). Marriage standards. In Young Women Manual 3, 129-131.
4. Haight, D. B. (1984, May). Marriage and divorce. Ensign, 12-13.
5. Kimball, S. W. (1977, March). Oneness in marriage. Ensign, 3-5.
6. Pollard, P. (1951, February). My courtship must be beautiful. Improvement Era, 108-109.
7. Romney, A. K., & Isaksen, H. L. (1954, May). When shall I marry? Improvement Era, 306-307.
8. Searle, D. L. (1988, February). No longer a husband. Ensign, 25-27.
9. Skidmore, R. A. (1952, November). How can I best prepare for marriage? Improvement Era, 862-864.