Sibling Rivalry: Help for Parents

As a parent you want your children to enter adulthood with good sibling relationships. After all, in most cases our sibling relationships are the longest relationships that any of us will have in life. As siblings grow up together they develop a long history of shared experiences. But it's mostly the experiences not shared that can cause differences leading to conflict.²

Depending on your family structure, your children might experience several types of sibling relationships. Full siblings have the same biological parents. Half siblings share only one biological parent. Step-siblings are gained because of divorce and remarriage. Adoptive siblings enter a family through adoption (Cicirelli, 1995).

Regardless of how your children became siblings, the odds of them having contention are high. This article presents ideas on how to manage sibling rivalries under several different circumstances.

Preparing For a New Sibling

How much and what type of preparation a child needs to prepare for a new sibling depends on his or her age and personality. Some children will benefit tremendously if you make the effort to prepare them; others might not benefit at all even though you make an effort. Each parent needs to be in tune with the child and his or her needs. Because children at different ages understand things differently and at different levels, it's important to make sure that what you tell your child is age appropriate. It's also important to answer each child's questions clearly so he or she understands.

Below are some ideas to help you prepare your child for the arrival of a new brother or sister from Judy Dunn, an internationally recognized authority on sibling relationships.³

• Talk about the baby as a person. When you talk to your child about the new baby, let her feel the baby moving around, kicking, or hiccuping. Feeling this movement will help your child absorb the reality of a new brother or sister. If you know the sex of the child, refer to him or her as "brother" or "sister." As delivery gets closer, help your child understand that the baby will probably cry a lot at first. Most children older than five will be fascinated with the idea of a baby growing and developing. They might want to see pictures of the developing baby.³ For photos of a baby in different stages, visit allaboutmoms.com.

• Talk about your older child's birth. Most children like to hear stories about themselves. Show your child pictures of you when you were pregnant with him. Tell him about the trip to the hospital and your labor and delivery. This will help him understand what's about to happen with the new baby.^3,7

• Read books together about a new baby coming. Books can help your child imagine how her life is going to change when the new sibling comes. See the end of this article for a list of books you may find helpful.^3,7

• Ask your child for ideas about names for the new sibling. Let her be part of this process. If you don't like the names she chooses, consider using one of them as a nickname.³

• Provide your child contact with babies. If possible, visit friends and family who have new babies. Expose your child to crying babies, happy babies, and all types of baby behavior so they get a realistic sense of what babies are like.^3,7

• Have other people care for your child. If your older child has never been cared for by someone other than you or your husband, it can be traumatic for him to be separated from you while you're at the hospital. Prepare him by having trusted friends and family care for him. If one parent has been doing most of the care taking, have the other parent start taking turns for bedtime routines, bath time, dressing, and taking and picking up the child from school and other activities.³

• Role play with your child. Use dolls to act out "Mom goes to the hospital and comes home with a baby".⁷

• Have your older child help decorate the baby's room. This will help him feel he's an important part of the family.⁷

• Go on a hospital tour. This will help him feel a part of the birth experience, even if he's not there when delivery time arrives.⁷

• Minimize changes. When you're preparing for a baby, change is inevitable. Try not to make unnecessary changes so that your child's environment is as stable as possible.³ When it's time to go to the hospital, do several things research has shown can help your child deal with your absence. First, make arrangements in advance that will keep her routine at home as normal as possible. Children who experience major changes in their daily routines during this time have more difficulties with the arrival of a sibling. Make sure that the person taking care of your child knows her routines, the types of foods she likes to eat, and which special items she likes to use during meals and bedtime. If she has a favorite dish or a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, for example, tell your caregiver about these.³ For a few children, though they're rare, routine is not as important and the changes and new activities are fun. These children might enjoy staying the night at a friend's house or playing at home with a babysitter. They won't see the transition time as traumatic but as something they will remember for months afterwards.3

Bringing the New Baby Home

When you bring a new baby home, first make sure that very young children can't hurt him. Some younger children will quickly feel very jealous and might hit the baby or knock the baby carrier onto the floor, not understanding the consequences. If the newborn is your second child, this time can be particularly difficult for the older sibling. He will probably be feeling, "I used to be the center of attention, and now I'm not".⁸

An older child is likely to feel her space has been invaded, especially if her crib is taken away from her for the new baby. The following story illustrates this scenario:

Just before I brought my youngest boy home from the hospital, we moved our two-year-old son into a toddler bed so that our new baby could have the crib. The first night we put our new son into the crib, our two-year-old got very upset with the whole situation. In his anger, he went up to the crib and started shaking it while he yelled, "Get that thing out of my crib." And so started the sibling rivalry between my two boys (personal communication).

With this story in mind, if you plan to move the older child from a crib to a bed, make sure you portray the bed as something very special. Help your child understand that growing up and moving on to a "big kid" bed is a fun and cool thing to do.⁸ Make this transition a few months before the new baby is born so your older child is less likely to associate his new sibling with this event.

The first few weeks after bringing your baby home can be the most difficult. Because Mom is still recovering and is sleep-deprived from caring for the newborn, attention to older children usually diminishes for a time. The more drastic the drop in attention, the more upset older siblings will be.³ Here are a few strategies to help you make sure you're giving all the attention you can to older siblings:

• While the baby is sleeping, read books with the older child.

• Pick up your older child from school without the baby whenever possible.

• Try to find an hour or two each day when you can spend time alone with your older child.³

• Husbands, pick up an extra share of the housework.

• Husbands, do all of the shopping so your older children can spend more time with Mom.

You might also find your older child misbehaves more often during the first few weeks after a newborn comes home. She might even do exactly what she's told not to do. Dr. Dunn (1995) has found that toddlers and preschoolers seem to know the one thing that annoys their parents and do it. To minimize this disruption, move any objects your child uses to annoy you. For example, if he likes to make noise by pounding on the kitchen garbage can, put the can in the closet.

Here are other suggestions to help as your older child adjusts to a new sibling:

• Keep a routine. Make daily life as normal as possible.^3,7

• Monitor visitors. Preschoolers and toddlers might see a visitor as another person who's taking Mom or Dad's attention away. Ask visitors to show attention to the older sibling. If relatives bring gifts for the baby, ask them to bring a gift for the older child also. If it seems your child is being overwhelmed by visitors, take a break from them.³

• Let your older child help with the baby. Research shows that bringing the baby into the older child's life as much as possible increases the odds that siblings will get off to a friendly start.^3,7

• Be prepared for escalating demands. When you're caring for the baby, the older child might become more demanding. This happens especially when you pick up the baby to nurse him or give him a bath. When nursing, encourage your older child to play a board game or do a puzzle next to you. Give him a drink or a bottle, depending on his age. Give him paper and crayons. Let him snuggle up to you. You might create a "nursing box" decorated with his favorite images. Place inside food, toys, crayons and other things to keep him occupied while you're nursing. Use the box only when you're nursing so that it retains its specialness.^3,5

• Make an effort to praise your older child on accomplishments, like going to the bathroom independently.⁷

• Tell your baby in the older child's presence how lucky he or she is to have such a great older sibling.⁷

• Ask your child to guess what the baby wants or needs, and then praise the older child for a job well done.⁷

Finding the Root of Sibling Relationships

Many factors contribute to sibling rivalry, including "gender, spacing, personality types, physical attributes or disabilities, birth order position of parents, blended families, and parental relationships".¹

It seems logical that children closer in age will like each other more, but this is not always true. Gender differences and the interests of each sibling can cancel out closeness in age. In larger families, children have more siblings to play with and usually have a better chance of getting along with at least one sibling. But large families also mean lack of privacy, which can become a source of rivalry.^1,6

The amount of contact siblings have with one another also affects the relationship. If two siblings are 10 years apart, the age difference alone will make rivalry less likely. Siblings who are closer in age will be much closer emotionally, which usually leads to more rivalry.⁶ Because same-sex siblings have many of the same life experiences, they tend to be the closest and thus have some of the strongest rivalries.⁶

Sometimes conflict that looks like sibling rivalry is simple boredom. A child might start a fight to break the monotony. Another child might want to liven up the family scene, so she tries to get another sibling in trouble. Parents tend to take fighting seriously, but for children it's often just another exciting activity.³

Personality clashes can also cause rivalry. Siblings don't choose to live with each other, and the close familiarity in a family can cause natural tensions and frictions. When interests and styles clash, fighting follows.³

Helping Children Share

Most siblings have trouble sharing. Dunn says it's important for children to learn how to share, but it's also important for them to have some things of their own.³ How difficult sharing is for your children will depend on their age.Children between the ages of 18 months and three years find it very hard to share, and it should not be expected of them. In most cases, the obsession with possessions starts to ease up when children reach their fourth year.

If your children are close in age, it's a good idea to buy duplicate items if you can afford it. Each child, especially in shared rooms, needs to have a special place to keep toys and possessions that is off limits to other siblings. If you want your child to share something that's his, be encouraging but let him decide how and when.

Dr. Peter Goldenthal, a certified clinical and family psychologist, says we shouldn't expect children to share in ways we wouldn't share.⁵ For example, adults usually don't share their clothing, and may only occasionally share automobiles or adult "toys" with other adults. Even spouses don't share everything. So it's important not to pressure children to share their most prized possessions. Demanding a child share a prized toy is like "asking a grown woman to hand over her baby to an admiring stranger".⁵

You can, however, teach your children to take turns when playing a game, going down a slide, or having the first bath.

One way to promote sharing is to buy gifts meant for the entire family. Don't buy gifts for individual children that the whole family will want to play with.

Siblings often argue over sharing space. They might complain that a sibling is sitting in "my place," is "too close," is "going in my room," or is "touching my things." Older siblings generally don't like to share their friends. They might become very angry when a younger brother or sister tries to tag along or infringes on their enjoyment of having friends over.³

Making Things Fair

Almost all children complain about things being unfair. Researchers think children make a big deal out of fairness partly because they resent having to share their parents' attention. They also quickly learn that bringing up fairness issues usually gets a rise out of their parents - which gives them some undivided attention. In households where parents generally ignore complaints about unfairness rather than getting worked up about them, the complaints are less common.⁷

Below are ideas suggestions from experts Samilin and Whitney to help you when siblings think things are unfair.⁷

• Respond to need, not equality.It's impossible to make every situation completely equal. Even when you cut the candy bar in half, in a child's eyes it's usually not evenly divided. Instead of focusing on being fair, focus on each child's individual needs. If you're always focusing on being equal, you risk not meeting the needs of one or more of your children.

• Don't tell your children "life is unfair." One of the easiest - and least effective -strategies in situations of unfairness is for parents to use this phrase. It's a concept beyond children. All they know is that something they're experiencing in the here and now is not the same or equal to what their sibling is experiencing. When a child complains that something isn't fair, validate her feelings and let her know you understand how hard unfairness can be. Even if you can't fix the unfairness, it will help your child if she knows you're trying to understand what she's feeling.

• Respond to the child's desire, not the complaint. Sometimes a child says something is unfair as a way of saying he wants more. It could be more food, more attention, or more time from you. For instance, a child might complain that a sibling got more food than he did. Instead of trying to prove that the portions are even, ask your child if he would like more. If there isn't any left, encourage them to find an additional something to eat. This approach can resolve many fairness conflicts.

• Allow your children to disagree about fairness. Your children won't always agree with every decision you make about fairness. Don't let them make the final decision on what's fair and what isn't. As a parent, you're better able to see what's fair for the situation at hand. Make decisions based on your more developed judgment, even if your children disagree.

• Let your children help you to make things fair. The burden of fairness doesn't need to be completely on the parents. Allow your children to work out problems of fairness among themselves.

• Use humor. Just as with any conflict, humor can dispel tension that builds with fairness disputes.

• Don't focus on fairness.Parents don't need the extra pressure of trying to remember who took a bath first yesterday or who did the dishes last. When a child complains about something being unfair, try to find out what she child really needs. Maybe she just needs an extra hug or some undivided attention.

Peter Goldenthal (1999) says children tend to feel things are unfair because they are sensitive to imbalance in their lives and in close relationships. Much of the time children feel they're doing too much for what they get in return. When children say, "It's not fair," what they're really saying is, "I don't like this!" They tend to complain about different things depending on their age. Preschool-age children often think it's unfair that a sibling always gets to sit by dad at dinner. School-age children might say it's not fair they can't watch the TV shows they want to all of the time. A teenager may not like that his curfew is earlier than his friends'.

Handling Sibling Conflict

The biggest sibling concern on most parents' minds is, "What do I do when my children are fighting?" There is no one simple answer. Every situation and each child is different. Factors such as the age of the children and the nature of the fighting are important factors.

Below are ideas for handling sibling conflict from several professionals. Not all suggestions will fit your situation. Choose the ideas you find most useful for your family situation. Remember that every child is different and a technique that works with one child may not work with another. You may find that a combination of ideas works best.

Goldenthal's Ideas

According to Dr. Peter Goldenthal, siblings need to learn how to work problems out on their own.⁵ If your children are older (about 11 years old or older), a dispute is purely verbal, and the children seem to be working it out on their own, don't intervene. Offer gentle guidance if you see the need. The goal is to help your children develop negotiating and compromising skills. Younger children will likely need your intervention. They need help learning these skills, and they also need you to keep them from hurting each other. Verbal disagreements between younger children can quickly turn into physical fights.⁵

Wolf's Ideas

Dr. Anthony Wolf has three rules for parents when siblings are bickering:⁸

• Rule 1: Don't take sides. If a sibling fight is getting out of hand, say something like, "The two of you, stop it." This shows that you recognize both children are at fault. Your children need to know that when squabbling reaches a certain level, you'll intervene and separate them. If harm or injury looks imminent, immediately stop the threatening child and focus directly on him. Tell him he must never harm a sibling, no matter how strongly he feels. The message is simple, "Of everything in the world, what I, your parent whom you love and who loves you, feel most strongly about is possible harm. It must not happen".⁸ If you respond only to the child causing the harm, you send an important message: harm is a very serious transgression.⁸ If both are causing the harm, speak with them individually.

• Rule 2: Act fast or not at all. Dr. Wolf says, "The point to intervene is when you start to get irritated".⁸ If you have a low tolerance threshold for bickering, work on increasing it so your kids learn how to work out problems on their own.

• Rule 3: Don't get involved in an argument unless there's a possibility of physical or emotional harm. You can validate your child's concerns, but avoid getting pulled into the quarreling. If you refuse to get involved, your children will learn that bickering is their problem, not yours. If a child comes to you with complaints about a sibling, be aware their motive often is to get attention or get you to take sides. Dr. Wolf suggests responding with something like the following:

I'm happy to be understanding, sympathetic, loving, but whatever the problem is, it is a problem for you and not for me. You will have to deal with it or not because I certainly won't. I am available for love, but the problem I am gently, lovingly throwing back to you.⁸

Dunn's Ideas

Dr. Dunn says at times you will need to intervene to teach your children how to communicate with each other.³ She suggests the following:

• Listen to each child's point of view. Keep your comments neutral. Don't place blame on just one child. Help your children find a solution themselves that is fair to all. Guide them by saying things like, "How are you two going to solve this?" or "What are the two of you going to come up with as a solution that will work for both of you?" If they keep fighting, split them apart until they're willing to work out a solution together.

• Use"break time." If the problem is extreme teasing, call a for "break time." Send each child to separate areas of the room or the house. When they've cooled down, have them come back together to work things out.

• Try role-playing or role reversal. Have the bickering children switch roles to help them see what it's like to be in the other person's shoes. Often role-playing brings the quarrel to an end in laughter.

• Remove the source of the conflict. If a particular item seems to be the cause of the conflict, remove it for a specified length of time.

Samalin and Whitney

Drs. Samalin and Whitney suggest techniques for dealing with sibling rivalries that fall into the categories of consequences, clarification, negotiation, and distraction.⁷

• Consequences. Children need to understand that their actions bring consequences. Consequences are an alternative to punishment. But don't confuse consequences with bribery.⁷ For more information on consequences, see the articles Guiding Your Children and Disciplining with Love at this website.

• Clarification. Many parents use phrases like "play nicely," "cut it out," "be nice," and "stop bickering." To children, these statements are very vague. You need to be more explicit, which usually requires more words and more explanation time. The goal "is to solve the problem, not to play judge and jury".⁷ You can't force your children to love each other. At best, you can encourage cooperation. Instead of barking out commands, tell your children plainly and in terms they can understand what you expect of them. "If you are going to play together, I expect that you will use kind words with each other."

• Negotiation. Let children work out problems on their own. It helps if you have them make decisions about some situations beforehand. For example, if you're headed to the car, tell them you won't unlock the doors until they've worked out who's going to sit in the front seat. Also, don't have them negotiate after things have gotten out of control. As you teach your children how to solve their problems, you're helping them get along better as siblings and teaching them an important life skill.

• Distraction. When it looks like negotiation is impossible or when your children are too young to negotiate, use distraction to end a conflict. Suggest immediate options, such as, "Who wants to go to the park?" or "Who wants to make cookies?" or "Who can guess when Daddy is coming home?" You can also use humor to distract. Instead of getting angry and frustrated with the situation, find humor in it. When children see you think their behavior is funny, they'll often stop fighting. Separation is another effective distraction. Let them cool down as they play alone.

More Ideas for Decreasing Sibling Conflict

Every parent dreams that their children will get along. Few have their dream realized. If you're in the majority, don't lose hope. You can do many things to reduce sibling conflict.

• Avoid labeling and comparing. It's harmful to give children labels such as clown, klutz, the athlete, the slob, the smart one, airhead, the anxious one, the fun one, the crazy one. Even positive labels can limit a child to a narrow set of behaviors. And they can make other children jealous. As children get older, they tend to live up to their labels. Siblings draw attention to labels and use them to tease. Comparing is also destructive. Many parents aren't aware they're comparing when they say things like, "Isn't your sister good at math?" or "Your brother is going to be such a great basketball star." These remarks can hurt children's feelings, especially if sports or math is not a strong area for them.³ They also can cause jealousy, which leads to much of the contention among siblings. Instead of comparing, praise each child for his or her unique abilities.⁵

• Shield younger siblings from no-win situations. Younger children often want to compete with older siblings, which can be very disappointing when they keep losing. Help the younger sibling realize that one day she will be bigger and stronger and will be able to do the things she wishes she could do now.³

• Ask your older children to help. Younger children often admire older siblings. You can help older and younger siblings develop a bond by having an older child teach the younger child new things. Both children gain. The older child gets satisfaction from teaching a younger sibling something new, and the younger sibling gets satisfaction from learning.³

• Protect your older child. Don't expect your older child to let a younger sibling participate in his games or with hang out with his friends all the time. Make sure the older child gets some privacy by taking the younger child off to another room with you or by giving the younger child something else to do.³

• Set rules and limits.Every parent has different views on how much teasing, yelling, and fighting is allowed and how important politeness and consideration are among siblings. As parents communicate with one another about your expectations for your children. Once both of you are on the same page, make sure your children understand the rules, limits, and consequences. Then consistently enforce the consequences.

• Don't reminisce about your own achievements. If you excelled in something a child is working at, like math or a musical instrument, be careful about recalling your excellence. Your child may think he has to compete with you or measure up to you. When children compete with a parent, sibling relationships often become competitive as well, which then leads to conflict.⁵

• Share in your children's triumphs. When your children tell you about their accomplishments, take time to enjoy the triumph with them. Let them know how pleased you are with them.⁵

• Support your children in their talents. Telling your children you're proud of them is not enough.Show your pride by going to their games, piano recitals, art exhibits, plays, neighborhood games, and other activities.⁵

• Help your children see where their talents lie. Each child has unique talents and abilities. Notice the things your children do well and help them recognize their gifts.⁵

• Never say "I wish you could be more like...." This causes a child to feel that what they are good at doesn't matter to you.⁷

Improving Parenting Benefits Sibling Relationships

As a parent, the way you interact with your spouse (if you are married) or with your friends and family can affect how your children learn to interact with one another. Research has found that the quality of the parents' relationship, especially how they resolve conflict, is linked to the quality of siblings relationships (cited in Dunn).⁴ Your children are watching how you handle disagreements and arguments with your spouse and your friends. Your children look to your example of how to work out their own problems. Allow your children to see you work out problems with your spouse or friends.¹

Research also shows that when a parent shows more affection and attention with one sibling than he does with another or less discipline and control, siblings are less likely to get along.⁴ And studies show that if you treat your children harshly, they most likely will treat one another harshly. For more information on general parenting principles, read the articles Practicing Individualized Parenting, Guiding Your Children, and Teaching Children Self-Regulation at this website.

Finding Good Counseling for Sibling Rivalry

If sibling conflict seems out of control, it can be wise to seek family counseling. When searching for a therapist, get referrals from friends and relatives. You might also want to talk to your religious leader.

It's important to choose a therapist carefully. The quality of the relationship between you and your therapist is one of the biggest predictors of success in therapy. Consider seeing two different therapists for one or two sessions so you can gauge who will best serve your needs. Continue with the therapist you feel more comfortable with. If you haven't seen progress within 5 to 6 sessions, tell your therapist about your concerns.

Therapists have different specializations, approaches, and personalities. Make sure the therapist you choose respects your feelings, personal and religious values, and limits. When you interview a potential therapist, be prepared with questions such as the following:

• Are you licensed to practice in your field? If the therapist is not licensed it is probably not a good idea to see him.

• How long have you been in practice? There's nothing wrong with a new therapist if someone you know has recommended her. If you don't have any recommendations, consider choosing someone with more experience.

• What is your approach? If a therapist won't answer this question or tells you the answer is not important, find another therapist.

• Are you a member of the national organization in your discipline? National organizations require therapists to meet certain ethical guidelines and to be adequately trained.

• What percentage of your practice is with children and families? It's always best to find someone who has experience working with families and children. A good family and child therapist will spend at least 50% of his time with children and families.⁵

Below are links to websites that can help you locate therapists in your area.

• National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

• American Academy of Childand Adolescent Psychiatry

• National Association of Social Workers

• American Association ofMarriage and Family Therapy (Therapist Locator)

Books for Parents

• Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, 1997.

• "Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me!": The Solution to Sibling Bickering, by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D., 2003.

• From One Child to Two: What to Expect, How to Cope, and How to Enjoy Your Growing Family, by Judy Dunn, 1995.

• Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring, and Compassionate, by Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., 2000.

• Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings, by Nancy Samalin with Catherine Whitney, 1996.

Books for Young Children

• The New Baby, by Fred Rogers, 1995.

• The New Baby at Our House, by Joanna Cole with photographs by Margaret Miller, 1985.

• Brothers and Sister, by Maxine Rosenberg.Photographs by George Ancona, 1991.

• "Why Do We Need Another Baby?": Helping Your Child Welcome the New Arrival with Love and Illustrations, by Cynthia MacGregor, illustrated by David Clark, 1996.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Associate, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Borden, M. E. (2003). The baffled parents guide to sibling rivalry. New York: McGraw-Hill/Contemporary.
2. Cicirelli, V. G. (1995). Sibling relationships across the life span. New York: Plenum Press.
3. Dunn, J. (1995). From one child to two: What to expect, how to cope, and how to enjoy your growing family. New York: Fawcett Columbine.
4. Dunn, J. (2002). Sibling relationships. In P. K. Smith & C. H. Hart (Eds.), Blackwell handbook of childhood social development (pp. 288-309). Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers.
5. Goldenthal, P. (1999). Beyond sibling rivalry: How to help your child become cooperative, caring, and compassionate. New York: Henry Holt and Company.
6. Landau, E. (1994). Sibling rivalry: Brothers and sisters at odds. Brookfield, CT: The Millbrook Press.
7. Samalin, N., & Whitney, C. (1996). Loving each one best: A caring and practical approach to raising siblings. New York: Bantam.
8. Wolf, A. E. (2003). "Mom, Jason's breathing on me!": The solution to sibling bickering. New York: Ballantine Books.

There is beauty all around, when there's love at home.

Peace and plenty here abide, when there's love at home.

As parents, we hope the hymn "Love at Home" describes the atmosphere in our homes most of the time. But we know by experience that all siblings bicker and quarrel to one degree or another, taking the peace away from our homes for a time.

Below are suggestions to help you as you seek greater peace in your home.

Teach Principles from the Scriptures and Latter-day Leaders

When handling sibling rivalry, we should keep the teachings of Jesus Christ central. Helping children understand from the scriptures the Savior's doctrines of forgiveness, love, generosity, and respect can help them live in greater harmony.

In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin tells his people they should not allow their children to "transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil who is the master of sin" (Mosiah 4:14).

Elder James M. Dunn of the Seventy said that parents have the responsibility to teach their children that "our Heavenly Father loves his children equally" and is disappointed when he "sees his children treating each other badly".²

Use Family Home Evening to Teach Principles of Harmony

Family Home Evening is a good time to teach our children about how to treat one another. We can teach them about sharing, respecting their siblings' belongings, avoiding jealously, and finding joy in siblings' accomplishments. The Family Home Evening Resource Book offers specific ideas and activities for teaching these principles.⁶

Teach Your Children Each Sibling is an Individual

Even though your children are growing up in the same house, each child has unique personality traits that make them different from each other. These differences often cause conflict. Children need to be taught that it is all right that their brother or sister is different from them. President Joseph F. Smith taught, "Our children should be taught to respect . . . their brothers and sisters".⁵

One way to cultivate respect is to teach your children to pray for each another. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "As [children] thank the Lord for one another the family develops a new appreciation, a new respect, a new affection for one another".³

Be a Good Example

King Benjamin taught in his sermon that parents should teach their children to "love and serve one another" (Mosiah 4:15). One of the best ways parents can teach this principle is by being a good example. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum to the Twelve Apostles said, "The family circle is the ideal place to demonstrate and learn kindness, forgiveness, faith in God, and every other practicing virtue of the gospel of Jesus Christ".⁴

One Bible story that illustrates the importance of service and kindness is the "Good Samaritan." When the Samaritan saw one of his fellow human beings on the side of the road, injured and robbed of his possessions, he put cultural differences aside and came to the man's aid. Similarly, if children see their parents treating each another and people outside the family with love and kindness, especially those who are "different," their children will learn to love and serve their siblings.

Elder H. David Burton counseled, "Good Samaritanism starts in the home as parents teach children by example and precept.¹ Acts of assistance, kindness, and concern among family members reinforce the desire" to go and serve others.¹ Some of the most important individuals our children can serve are siblings.

Conclusion

Sibling rivalry can be minimized when children learn to forgive, love, and treat one another generously and respectfully. As they learn these principles, "love at home" can become a reality. For further ideas, please see the main and expanded articles on this topic.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Associate, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Burton, H. D. (1997, May). "Go, and do thou likewise." Ensign, 75-77.
2. Dunn, J. M. (2003, May). Words to live by. Ensign, 35-36.
3. Hinckley, G. B. (1991, February). The blessings of family prayer. Ensign, 2-7.
4. Oaks, D. H. (1985, June). Parental leadership in the family. Ensign, 7-11.
5. Smith, J. F. (1939). Gospel doctrine: Selections from the sermons and writings of Joseph F. Smith. Compiled by John A. Widtsoe. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Co.
6. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1983). The family home evening resource book. Salt Lake City, Utah: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
7. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1985). Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book Co.