Sibling Rivalry: Adult Siblings

As parents get older, they hope childish sibling rivalries will come to an end, and most do. In fact, "Most siblings maintain a reasonably friendly and meaningful relationship as they get older. Early competition and rivalries tend to lessen, and a new comradeship and closeness emerge".¹ But sometimes the changes of adulthood start new rivalries or trigger the return of old ones. In these cases, many families find siblings cut off their relationships or feel alienated from one another, "which affects their lives deeply".¹

Sibling Rivalry Myths

Dr. Peter Goldenthal, a clinical and family psychologist, says many myths surround adult sibling rivalries, including the following:²

Myth 1 "If I could really understand why my sibling behaves as she does, I'd know how to respond and we'd have a better relationship". Goldenthal says it's unrealistic to expect you will ever fully understand a sibling. But you can still have a good relationship. If a sibling's behavior is truly affecting you in a negative way, let him or her know gently -- without attacking their character.

Myth 2 "The only way I can stop being disappointed or upset about my sibling relationship is for my sibling to make some behavior changes". Just like with all relationships, you can't change another person. The only change you have power over is your own. So if you want to change a sibling relationship, look at what you can change about yourself that might help.

Myth 3 "When my siblings share what's bothering them I should listen and accept the complaints without questioning them". Not every perception is accurate or justifiable. You may have a sibling who's very sensitive, gets offended easily, and distorts the facts. You don't have to accept bad behavior or distorted perceptions.

Myth 4 "My relationship with my sibling is so imbalanced that we can never make it right". Everyone interprets balance and fairness in different ways. What most people want is to have reasonable reciprocity. That means they hope those they've done a favor for will eventually return the favor in some way. But what you see as a favor your sibling might not. Don't expect full reciprocity or perfect balance in a sibling relationship.

Myth 5 "My siblings and I should be able to put our childhood differences behind us and just move on". During childhood, siblings get used to relating in ways that become habitual. When an adult sibling who seems to have otherwise grown up reverts to old sibling behavior, it might seem out of character. But childhood habits are strong. Lapsing into them is often automatic.

As you try to improve your relationships with your siblings, realize that it takes time and patience. You can't change your siblings, only yourself. As you change, hopefully, your sibling will want to change also, and your relationship will improve. The rest of this article discusses reasons sibling rivalries develop and offers ways to improve your sibling relationships.

The Phases of Sibling Relationships

Over time, sibling relationships may change dramatically or subtly. They may develop in positive ways or negative ways, and sometimes both. They change because individuals change. As children in a family mature, the family as a unit and the individuals within it experience many changes, such as marriage, divorce, the birth of children, the illness or death of parents, geographical moves, career successes and failures, and problems such as addiction or abuse.⁷ Some of the biggest changes occur when siblings marry and have children.

Marriage

When a sibling gets married, the other siblings often feel like the sibling bond has been dissolved. They may feel they have lost something that will never be regained.⁴ An 18-year-old young man, for example, had a brother who got married while they were both at college. The younger brother felt sad and rejected, as if he had lost his older brother forever. His brother was now a married man preoccupied with responsibilities. As the older brother bought a house and started having children, the younger brother felt even more unimportant and like they were now worlds apart.³

These feelings are normal. As the married sibling works on blending lives with a new spouse, he or she inevitably adopt new views and new ways of doing things. These new choices can look like disloyalty or abandonment of views that once united the siblings. If siblings don't approve of your choice in a spouse, the tension can be great. You may feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. If you're planning to marry, understand that this rearrangement of relationships might be hard for your siblings. They're coming to terms with the reality that you will no longer be as immediately available and that your loyalties and priorities will be first to your spouse instead of to them.⁴

If you're the sibling getting married, keep in mind the following:

• Weddings are a time of tremendous change. It can be an unsettling and unnerving event for siblings. In a sense, you are saying "out with the old" and "in with the new."

• Be sensitive to what your brothers and sisters may be experiencing. They know that once you're married your relationship with them will be different, and the transition can be difficult.

• Be sensitive to older, unmarried siblings. Weddings can be especially difficult for them, especially if they would like to be married. They may feel resentful, even though they don't want to feel that way, and they may be emotional because marriage has not happened as quickly for them as it has for you.⁴

Becoming More Established

As siblings get older and more established in their own lives, it's easy to drift apart. Even if you do everything you can to stay close, a certain amount of distancing is inevitable. The demands of a spouse, children, education, career, a home, money problems, troubled teenagers and many other realities of life can put sibling relationships on the backburner.

For siblings who had a contentious relationship as children, the distance that comes with separate adult lives can be healing. But more often contention and competition continue. If you competed over grades, sports, or music ability when you were younger, as adults you're likely to compete over careers, children, the size of your house, and whose spouse is more attractive. Below are suggestions for alleviating the competition.

• Don't compare the looks and qualities of your spouse to the looks and qualities of your sibling's spouse

• Avoid comparing yours or your spouse's occupation to that of your siblings or your sibling's spouse⁴

• Don't respond to siblings' attempts to hook you into competing⁵

• Develop your own standard of success, then focus on that instead of your sibling's standard. When you stop comparing yourself to your siblings' measuring stick, you will eventually feel proud of your own accomplishments⁵

• Don't compete over the number of children each of you has whether who has more or who has less

Aging Parents

As your parents age, you may find new conflict arising between you and your brothers and sisters - or old conflict in new forms. The decisions around caring for elderly parents can be especially contentious. According to Stacey Matzkevich, a licensed clinical social worker, "Caregiving may set the stage for another showdown between you and your siblings".⁶ From her experience, Matzkevich suggests the following preventive measures to keep sibling rivalries from flaring up under the stress of this situation.

• Make a deliberate effort to break free of old roles. This process is discussed below (see subheading "Overcoming Parental Labels"), and the same techniques are helpful in this situation.

• Allow shared caregiving to bring you closer instead of creating more stress. Give yourself and each other a break. Understand that everyone is feeling anguish, sadness, and loss about the situation. Few people are at their best under stress. We tend to react in ways that don't always reflect how we truly feel or how we want to make others feel. Be patient with these limitations in yourself and your siblings.

• When emotions become heated, take a break and cool down. Think before you act or speak.

• Be ready to say "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you" when needed.

• If rivalry or other issues interfere with your work as caregivers, seek professional counseling.

• Allow the shared responsibility of caregiving to mend wounds and deepen the bonds between you and your siblings.⁷

Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry

Pattie McDermott, a marriage and family counselor, says that sibling conflicts can begin even before a sibling is born.⁵ Many parents develop expectations for their children to compensate for their own inadequacies. As children try to fulfill these expectations, whether spoken or unspoken, they're often afraid of failing. Some children may fear that failure will mean a loss of their parents' love or even physical abandonment. When you recognize the expectations your parents had for you and your siblings, you can begin to examine how these expectations impacted -- and might still impact -- your sibling relationships. McDermott suggests an exercise to help you recognize these expectations:⁵

• On a piece of paper list all the expectations you believe your parents had for you. Next list the expectations you believe your parents had for your brothers and sisters. On another piece of paper write down the expectations you had for your siblings and the expectations you believe your siblings had for you.

• After completing both papers, compare them with each other. You might see that many of the expectations or labels that you have for your siblings are the same ones your parents had.⁵

When people have expectations of others, they often create labels that name the expectation. For example, the oldest sibling is sometimes expected to be responsible. If he fulfills that expectation, he might be labeled "the responsible" child. Labels tend to have an element of comparison. Labeling one child the "responsible" one implies the other children are not responsible.

In most families, no two siblings have the same labels. Once someone is labeled "free spirit," chances are another child won't get that label. Usually, a label lasts a lifetime, though sometimes with the birth of new children, labels are taken away from one child and given to another.³

Below is a list to help you figure out what labels you and your siblings may have held. It's not exhaustive but will get you thinking. You might find you've had labels from multiple categories:

• "Wiz Kids" are seen as intellectually gifted. This role can bring status and privileges, but it also can be seen in a negative light. Siblings might make fun of this child.⁴

• "Wonder Child" gains special status because of physical appearance and social skills and/or athletic ability.⁴

• "Underachievers" are seen as less capable, less assertive, less energetic, and less thoughtful. They may have been labeled the loser, klutz, invalid, lazy, or the wallflower who wanted to join in the fun but didn't have the courage.⁴

• "Do-gooders" seem to do no wrong. They are helpful, supportive, and well-intentioned toward both their parents and siblings. They typically win special approval and affection. They're often the peacemakers in the family and tend to take on the counselor role in times of conflict. Do-gooders also can become martyrs who remind everyone else how much they are sacrificing.⁴

• "Troublemakers" don't seem to do anything right. They're less cooperative and less helpful. Their negative status often is reflected in their behavior. Troublemakers may have received the label of little devil, delinquent, rebel, bully, or the crazy one.⁴

• "Comic Relievers" take things less seriously. They often intentionally or unintentionally try to relieve family tension. Labels include the clown, the joker, or the happy-go-lucky one.⁴

Overcoming Parental Labels

McDermott says parental labels can powerfully mold us.⁵ We often live up to (or "down to") our labels. As adults, we might use these labels in destructive ways, such as being over-responsible (the "responsible" one) or under-responsible (the "free spirit"). To overcome labels, you must first recognize them. McDermott suggests four steps for recognizing and overcoming your own and your sibling's labels:⁵

• Make a list of the labels your parents used to define you.

• Make a list of the labels your parents used to define your siblings.

• Examine the second list closely. What traits do you find in yourself that your siblings possess? What traits do your siblings have that you wish you possessed?

• Try making some of the traits you admire in your siblings your own. For example, if your sibling is known as the playful one and you wish you were more playful, be more playful. Don't hold back. We all have more freedom than we realize. As you try to develop your siblings' positive traits that you wish you had, you will grow closer to your siblings.⁵

If you hold onto the labels your parents gave you, it's harder to explore who you really are. In fact, your labels may be the very reason you don't get along with your siblings. If you want to grow as a person, it's necessary to rid yourself of any labels you don't want. McDermott suggests the following activity to help you recognize who you really are.⁵

• List all of your physical and emotional characteristics, both positive and negative.

• Show your list to your sibling(s).

This exercise will help you see yourself in a new light and rid yourself of some of the labels that may not be true and that cause contention with a sibling.⁵

Favoritism

Parents who showed and still show favoritism toward a certain child or children can cause tremendous conflict between siblings, to the point of destroying sibling relationships.⁴ Matzkevich says that "the antagonism, tension and even hostility that exist among brothers and sisters derive from their fight for what they perceive to be a precious, limited resource: their parents' love, attention and approval".⁶ She further says that sibling conflicts "come from the deepest part of our souls and encompass our greatest fears|who do Mom and Dad love more"?⁶

In one family of sons, the youngest child was spoiled and pampered by his parents while an older son always felt left out. As the two sons grew up and started having children of their own, the pampering of the youngest child continued in the form of spoiling the grandchildren. One Christmas the older son received a package of gifts from his parents and realized the gifts were not age-appropriate for his children. So he called his mother and asked her if she had mixed up the packages. She had, she realized. She apologized to both brothers and had each forward the package to the correct person. When the older son received the package meant for him and his children, it was smaller and the items were fewer and less expensive. He became jealous and called his mother to express his disapproval. She responded, "You should be lucky you received anything." This situation, caused by the parents, has perpetuated bitter sibling rivalry between these two brothers.

Difficult Sibling Personalities

If you have a sibling with a difficult personality, he likely contributes more than his share to the rivalry between all the siblings. Dr. Peter Goldenthal discusses these difficult personalities and how to handle them.²

• People who use people. These individuals may have very good interpersonal skills but use them to achieve their own personal interests instead of seeking to build others up. When they tell you stories of how they were able to use other people, don't show excitement or approval.

• People who think only of themselves. These brothers or sisters are so overly focused on themselves that anytime anything in the family happens, they think only about how the situation will affect them. Though this might offend you, their personality is the problem, not you. Their behavior has little to do with you. Some people simply have a hard time loving anyone but themselves, and there's nothing you can do to change them. Your best coping strategy is to lower your expectations.

• People who need to be adored. Some siblings want the family to worship and praise them for their accomplishments. You might expect that if you give them the praise they seek, they'll return the favor. But they very likely won't. Withholding praise also doesn't work. Rather than over-giving or withholding, just say something positive. Also, don't expect change. With time, some siblings with this personality problem can change, but change isn't likely.

• The Bully. These siblings use force and anger to intimidate their siblings into doing what they want them to. You must be firm with this type of personality. Be clear that certain behavior is not acceptable in your presence, and if it continues the person will be asked to leave.

• The Con Artist. These siblings are like bullies but have better good social skills. They take advantage of people and feel no guilt. They can make a good show of being empathetic and understanding, but it's usually an act to get what they want. Avoid placing much trust in a sibling with this personality. Don't believe everything he or she says.

• The Splitter. This type of sibling tries to get involved in everyone's relationship because doing so makes him or her feel important. The result is often tremendous conflict, even though she claims she tried to "help." If you see this behavior, instead of getting angry show gratitude and thank your sibling for her care and concern. If you approach the situation this way, eventually your sibling may change.²

Communicating with Your Siblings

In any relationship, a lack of communication skills can cause problems. Some general communication principles that can improve siblings relationships include:

• Know how to use language to communicate.

• Learn to appreciate how your sibling uses language.

• Learn to listen.

• Appreciate your sibling's strengths and weaknesses as a communicator.

• Appreciate your own strengths and weaknesses as a communicator.²

Other concepts to consider as you work to communicate effectively with your siblings include:

• Sometimes siblings have very different ideas about what's been communicated, especially with non-verbal communication. As you talk to your siblings, it's important to listen carefully, to put your own thoughts and feelings into words, and to exchange information. Patience is also helpful since none of us is perfect at hearing and speaking the right words all of the time.²

• Your communication strengths may not be your siblings'. For instance, you might be comfortable sharing your deepest feelings, but a sibling might not. Chances are your sibling's mind doesn't work the way yours does, and these differences can lead to misunderstandings.² Misunderstandings also occur when we assume that the meaning behind what our sibling has said is the same as if we had spoken the same words. But this assumption can be dangerous.

• Avoid sarcasm. The purpose of sarcasm is almost always to put others down and make the speaker feel superior to his target. Dr. Goldenthal says the purpose of sarcasm is "to inflict a wound", however much the deliverer might protest that he's only being humorous.²

• When we talk with our siblings, we often want to "help" them. Dr. Goldenthal suggests that before you respond to a sibling you should ask yourself if what you are about to say is going to contribute to your relationship in a positive way. Often siblings are just venting.²

• Being a good communicator requires good listening skills. Good listeners know how to ask good questions. If your sibling has told you something that you don't understand, ask him to repeat it. If you don't agree with what a sibling has said, calmly express your opinion. If not clear about what she meant, ask her questions that will give you more information. One of the least helpful things you can say is "I see where you are coming from," especially if you really don't understand.²

If you think it's important to air a difference with a sibling, Dr. Goldenthal suggests five strategies:²

• Stick to the facts.

• Avoid blame. You can never be sure why a sibling has done what she has done, so don't try to tell her what her behavior means.

• Don't ask questions if you're really don't want to hear the answer.

• Don't wait too long to voice your complaints. The longer you wait the more the resentment builds.

• When you don't know what to say, be honest about it. If you feel awkward talking about something, let your sibling know.²

Making Friends with Siblings

No matter how old you are, it's never too late to improve a relationship with a sibling you've felt a rivalry with. Drs. William and Nada Hapworth and Joan Heilman offer the following suggestions to help you improve your sibling relationship:³

• If there has been conflict in the past, take responsibility for your part of the sibling rivalry. Work to understand your siblings' feelings.

• Don't waste your time envying other people's sibling relationships. Even relationships that appear good on the outside most likely have conflict and baggage.

• Your siblings are not children anymore. See them as adults and treat them accordingly.

• Take the first step. Don't let pride or stubbornness stop you from improving your relationship. If you wait around for the other sibling to approach you, it may never happen.

• Realize your siblings have experienced different things in life that make them different from you. Don't expect them to be who you want them to be.

• Clear up misunderstandings as quickly as possible. Holding on to resentment and misunderstandings only makes things worse.

• Set boundaries for your relationship and respect those boundaries.

• When you have a misunderstanding, don't assume your brother or sister is wrong. Placing blame is always destructive to relationships.

• Show up at family functions. If you don't show up, siblings might think you're trying to avoid them or that you feel hostile toward them. Even if you don't feel like going, make the effort to go.

• Don't wait for your siblings to make all of the contacts. Do your part to keep in touch.

• Be there for your siblings during hard times. These times can help you draw closer together.

• Make time to be with your siblings. A good relationship requires spending time together.

Staying Close Over the Years

You can do many things to stay close to your siblings. Here are some ideas.

• Create a family website. Designate one sibling to be responsible for maintaining the site. Invite family members to send attachments by e-mail or to mail photos and letters that can be scanned. Designate a space on the website where each family can post pictures and the latest news. While it's important to find joy in each other's accomplishments, avoid sharing things that could be seen as bragging.

• Create a family newsletter. This is a good option for families less technologically inclined.

• Don't gossip about siblings.

• Find a common interest that you have with each sibling and participate in that interest together.

As you work to overcome rivalries and become friends with your siblings, it's important to stay close, be patient, and learn to communicate more effectively. If you can do these things and make needed changes in your own life, you will have taken valuable steps in overcoming your sibling rivalries.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Associate, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Schulman, G. L. (1999). Siblings revisited: Old conflicts and new opportunities in later life. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 25(4), 517-524.
2. Goldenthal, P. (2002). Why can't we get along?: Healing adult sibling relationships. New York: John Wiley & Sons.
3. Hapworth, W., Hapworth, N. & Heilman, J. R. (1993). "Mom loved you best:" Sibling rivalry lasts a lifetime. New York: Penguin.
4. Greer, J. & Myers, E. (1992). Adult sibling rivalry: Understanding the legacy of childhood. New York: Crown.
5. McDermott, P. (1992). Sisters and brothers: Resolving your adult sibling relationships. Los Angeles: Lowell House.
6. Matzkevich, S. (2002). Flashback to childhood: Family stress can rekindle good old sibling rivalry.
7. Sandmaier, M. (1994). Original kin: The search for connection among adult sisters and brothers. New York: Penguin Books.
8. Cicirelli, V. G. (1995). Sibling relationships across the life span. New York: Plenum Press.

Our relationship with siblings is often the longest relationship in our lives - and sometimes the most difficult. Sibling rivalry can be one of the most challenging sources of turmoil families face, even into adulthood.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World says, "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Each of these principles plays an important role in healthy sibling relationships.

Forgiveness and Repentance in Sibling Relationships

Although siblings grow up in the same household, each has distinct personalities and interests. These differences can trigger conflict, even after we become adults. If we practice Christ-like principles of kindness, repentance, forgiveness, charity, love, and generosity, we're more likely to build harmonious relationships with our brothers and sisters.^3,15

When sibling rivalry causes deep rifts, forgiveness can be a healing balm. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "It becomes us as a grateful people to reach out with a spirit of forgiveness and an attitude of love and compassion toward those whom we have felt may have wronged us".⁷ This principle is especially important in our families, said President Hinckley, "where tiny molehills of misunderstanding are fanned into mountains of argument".⁷

Conflict-laden sibling relationships will improve if we humble ourselves and remember that "when [they] need major repair because of past hurts, forgiveness is the key".¹⁶

Sometimes we need to forgive even when a sibling hasn't asked to be forgiven. If a sibling has wronged us, we can't control when he or she seeks our pardon. In the meantime, "we should not hold grudges or harbor resentment. Instead, we can absorb the pain and not pass it on to a future generation [our children]".¹⁶

We may feel so hurt by a sibling that we conclude his or her actions are beyond repentance. At these times we need to remember the Savior's atonement. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "Spirit sons and daughters of God need not be permanently put down when lifted up by Jesus' Atonement. Christ's infinite Atonement thus applies to our finite failures".¹²

If we are the one who has wronged a sibling, it's up to us to change our hearts. “And when our own hearts have changed, our relationship with others will improve".¹⁷ We can also remember that "mercifully, our errors can soon be swallowed up by resilient repentance, showing the faith to try again, whether in a task or in a relationship".¹⁷

Respect in Sibling Relationships

Often conflict arises because we're not respectful toward our adult brothers and sisters. Maybe we disagree with their choices, don't like their spouse, or resent their success. If we can place loving concern above these feelings, we can build respectful sibling relationships.

Terrance Olson, a professor of family life at Brigham Young University, said, "True respect, then, comes as we develop our ability to love our brothers and sisters as ourselves...Respect is also synonymous with care and concern".¹³ Respect for others shows our reverence for God and our desire to be Christ-like.

President Hinckley warned against disrespect: "Let us not take one another for granted, but let us constantly work to nurture a spirit of love and respect for each other. We must guard against faultfinding, anger, and disrespect for one another.⁸

Love, Kindness, and Generosity in Sibling Relationships

Showing love and support is one of the most powerful ways we can build strong relationships with our adult siblings. President James E. Faust taught that "love, service, and help should flow between brothers and sisters".⁴

President Joseph F. Smith counseled, "Let love, peace, and the Spirit of the Lord, kindness, charity, sacrifice for others, abound in our families. Banish harsh words...and let the Spirit of God take possession of your hearts".¹⁴

The story of the Good Samaritan illustrates the importance of love, kindness, and service. When the Samaritan saw a fellow human being from a rival ethnic group along the side of the road, injured and robbed of his possessions, he put cultural differences aside and came to the man's aid. Similarly, even though we may be different from our siblings, we can set our differences aside and treat one another with service, love, and kindness.

Being generous with our time and resources can also help us in our sibling relationships. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained that generosity comes from the same word as genealogy.⁹ Both come from the Latin genus, which means of the same birth or kind. It is important to remember that "We will always find it easier to be generous when we remember that this person...is truly one of our own".⁹

Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke of the importance of generosity in our sibling relationships:¹¹

Speaking of sibling rivalry, generosity can replace animosity. Reflection can bring perception. But reflection and introspection require time. So many spiritual outcomes require saving truths to be mixed with time, forming the elixir of experience, that sovereign remedy for so many things.¹¹

Conclusion

If our sibling relationships are difficult, we can remind ourselves that we are all children of God and that "no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another".⁹

When we treat one another with courtesy, kindness, repentance, forgiveness, charity, love, and generosity, our sibling relationships are more likely to be healthy.

If we've had conflict with siblings in the past, it's never too late to make a new start. With time and the principles of the gospel, our sibling relationships can be healed.

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Associate, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Burton, H. D. (1997, May). Go, and do thou likewise. Ensign, 75-77.
2. Chidester, C. R. (1984, February) A Change of Heart: Key to Harmonious Relationships. Ensign, 6-11.
3. Dunn, J. M. (2003, May). Words to live by. Ensign, 35-36.
4. Faust, J. E. (2001, May). Them that honour me I will honour. Ensign, 45-47.
5. Forbis, Dianne Dibb. (1998, July). Harmony among Grown Children. Ensign, 49-53.
6. Hinckley, G. B. (1991, February). The blessings of family prayer. Ensign, 2-7.
7. Hinckley, G. B. (1997). Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
8. Hinckley, G. B. (1999, May). Thanks to the Lord for his blessings. Ensign, 88-89.
9. Holland, J. R. (2002, May). The other prodigal. Ensign, 62-64.
10. Maxwell, N. A. (1976, November). Notwithstanding my weakness. Ensign, 12-14.
11. Maxwell, N. A. (1990, May). Endure it well. Ensign, 33-35.
12. Maxwell, N. A. (2000, November). The tugs and pulls of the world. Ensign, 35-37.
13. Olson, T. D. (2001, October). Cultivating respect. Ensign, 46-49.
14. Smith, J. F. (1939). Gospel doctrine: 5th edition. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Co.
15. Turner, D. (1998, August). If any man offend not. Ensign, 46-48.
16. Forbis, Dianne Dibb. (1998, July). Harmony among Grown Children. Ensign, 49-53.
17. Chidester, Richard C. (1984, February). A Change of heart. Ensign, 1984.