Separations, Connections, and Boundaries: Important Knowledge for Married Couples and Their Parents

"Therefore shall a [person] leave [their] father and mother, and shall cleave unto [their spouse]: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). This scripture from the Judeo-Christian tradition illustrates the important principle of separating and connecting that a newly married couple faces. Modern scholars have derived a similar statement saying that the first task of marriage is "consolidating separation and establishing new connection".¹ In these two sources, science and religion have come to a common point: Marriage creates a need for separations and new connections. Science has further stated that separating from the family of origin is one of the earliest psychological tasks of marriage.¹ According to Wallerstein, this early task of marriage has two parts.¹ The first part of this task is for the new husband and new wife to separate psychologically from their families of origin. The second part is for the couple to forge a new relationship with each other. Wallerstein asserts that this new marital connection must also maintain ties with extended families.¹ In order for a couple to be connected to their spouse and their extended family, it is necessary for them to separate from their families of origin, connect with each other, and form appropriate boundaries.

Separations

Getting married, separating from your family of origin, and building new relationships can be difficult. In a sense, you have to loosen your connections in the child-parent relationship, then build your marital relationship and recreate anew relationship with your parents as a married person. You also have to build a relationship with your in-laws. For some people, separating from their family is hard. Creating a connected relationship with a spouse can also be challenging. If you throw in the relationship with your spouse's parents you can see how complex the task of separation and connection can become. Marital difficulties may arise in this period of relationship metamorphosis.² Wallerstein admits that achieving separation from the family of origin in this time of potentially increasing conflict is an act of courage¹. Other family scholars admit that extended family relationships can put great stress on a marriage³. A study by Risch, Riley, and Lawler found that nearly two-thirds of couples experience some sort of difficulty with their in-laws.⁴ Risch and her colleagues also determined that in-law relationship challenges tend to be more extreme at the beginning of a marriage. This is because the spouses have not completely separated psychologically from their families of origin. Though it may be common sense to most, family scientists have discovered that in-law conflicts are hard on marriages. For example, a Beckerman and Shepherd study found that about half of couples characterize in-law conflicts to be moderately conflictual.⁵ Even up to one-third of couples find these relationships to be a cause of the most conflictual marriage issues.

Though many people may find challenges with their in-law relationships, it does not have to be such a challenge. Many people find that their relationships with their in-laws are wonderful. There are two things, known to family scientists as triangulation and enmeshment, which can potentially be damaging to in-law relationships that could otherwise be happy and healthy.

Triangulation

Triangulation is creating an unbalance in a marital relationship by including a third person. One spouse may have a stronger relationship with the third person than with the other member of the marriage. The stronger relationship may exclude the spouse completely or somehow minimize him or her.⁶ Studies show that triangulation is not healthy for relationships. Wallerstein has stated that with in-law relationships, a foursome husband, wife, father-in-law, and mother-in-law can actually become a one some (the husband) and a threesome (the wife and her two parents).¹ In this type of configuration the one some may feel left out. This may cause feelings of jealousy or competition for attention.¹

Example

Sally and Jack have been married for three months. Prior to their marriage, Sally lived at home with her parents and Jack lived with roommates at the university. During their courtship, things went perfectly. Jack seemed to be everything that Sally wanted in a husband. He would take her on extravagant dinner dates and would be very romantic with Sally. Once they were married, these characteristics that Sally had fallen in love with began to disappear. While Jack was at work, Sally would often call her mother and complain about how Jack had changed from the person she thought he was. When Jack and Sally visited Sally’s parents, Sally's mother criticized Jack for not treating Sally as well as he should. Jack always left his in-laws' home feeling sad and frustrated. Jack and Sally would often argue late into the night on such occasions.

In this example, Sally brought her mother into the relationship through involving her in private marital matters that belonged between husband and wife, thus creating the triangulation. Sally's manner of dealing with the problem is not a healthy way of managing marital issues but actually makes matters worse. In dealing with issues of triangulation, Harper and Olsen argue that when a parent is asked to intervene in a child's marriage, they should not get directly involved.⁷ Instead, they should suggest that the couple work things out among themselves, or possibly involve the aid of a marriage counselor.⁷ Triangulation "fails to solve the problem and weakens the marriage".⁷

Enmeshment

Enmeshment has similar problems as triangulation. Enmeshment occurs when boundaries are unclear and family members are unduly concerned or involved in another family member’s life.⁶ When enmeshment is present in a family, it is very hard for family members to differentiate their feelings from another's: loyalties can also be blurred.⁷

Example

Anton and Andrea are recently engaged to be married. Andrea is the only daughter in her family. She and her mother have been planning her wedding for many years and are excited to actually do it. At first, Anton is also excited. However, as the wedding plans begin to emerge, Anton's mother Bev starts to cause problems. Bev is overly involved with her children's lives. Anton, the oldest, is the only child to have left home. It is difficult for Bev to accept that her son is moving on with his life. Bev begins to insist that things be done her way. Andrea asks Anton that he needs to let his mother know that her interference in the wedding planning is not appreciated. Anton tries to confront his mother, but she just ignores him thinking "mother knows best" and "I am just trying to be helpful." Anton backs down because he does not want to offend his mother. Andrea is frustrated because she feels like Anton would rather sacrifice her dreams in order to please his mother. Andrea also wonders about how Anton might respond to future interference by his mother in their relationship. Bev's attempts to show love to her son and future daughter-in-law are threatening to break off the engagement.

In this example, Bev and Anton are in an enmeshed relationship. It is causing loyalty issues for Anton between his mother and his fiancée.

In order for a couple to prevent enmeshment and triangulation, proper boundaries must be formed. Most problems with in-laws transpire because a couple fails to establish clear boundaries.⁴

Boundaries

What are boundaries and what do they have to do with marriage? To answer the first question, a dictionary states that a boundary, or a bound, is the outer limit, the edge, or the frontier of something.^8,9 This definition indicates that there is something on the inside and something on the outside of the boundary. The creation of something on the inside and something on the outside is how the second part of the question is answered: there are things that are appropriate to let inside the boundary while other things are to be kept out. Further relating a boundary to what is being discussed here, a boundary is "an abstract delineation between parts of a system or between systems, typically defined by implicit or explicit rules regarding who may participate and in what manner".⁶

Examples of Boundaries

The Chupah

As indicated by Wallerstein, a Jewish wedding ceremony contains the chupah which is a good illustration of a marriage boundary.¹ In the ceremony, a canopy held up by four poles is carried by family members. The couple has a task to fill in the walls and create an inside and an outside. The walls contain gateways through which the couple is able to control who is allowed to come in and out. This example demonstrates that whoever integrated the chupah into the Jewish marriage ceremony had knowledge of the importance of forming boundaries. Apart from physically creating a boundary, it symbolizes the need that the newly married couple has: To construct boundaries that will keep their marriage relationship protected from unnecessary intrusions, even from close family members and friends.

The Analogy of a House

Another example is one that comes from a family science course professor. The example was initially used to describe personal intimacy, but the analogy has been adapted to show boundaries in a marriage. Imagine your marriage relationship as a home.

Picture a white picket fence in the front yard next to the sidewalk. There is a gate that leads you from the sidewalk into the front yard. The yard is beautiful and green, with flowerbeds, trees, and other fauna to decorate it. Look at the meticulous care that is evident. From the street, it looks perfect.

Passing through the front door you are brought to the living room. The living room is still quite nice, though not fully organized. There is a nice comfortable couch, a small sofa, and two large chairs. The floor is basically clear with a few toys and shoes lying around.

From the living room, you enter the kitchen. The sink is full, the dishwasher door is open, and there are spaghetti stains on the range. The floor could be mopped, but it isn't too dirty.

Beyond the kitchen is the bedroom. Dirty clothes are on the floor or hanging from the hamper. Dresser drawers are open and the bed is not made. The closet door will not shut because there are too many things for the space that holds them.

Now imagine that the property represents a marriage relationship. As with the home that has been previously described, a marriage relationship also has boundaries. More than likely, someone would not invite a perfect stranger into the bedroom. The same goes for the marriage relationship: one would not, and more importantly, should not invite a perfect stranger within the boundaries of a marriage to see all of the intimate details of the relationship. That would be foolish and there would be many opportunities for the stranger to damage the integrity of the relationship. The place for strangers is outside the house where the relationship looks perfectly functional and happy. Some people like friends and family might be invited into the yard to see an occasional toy that is lying around. Some family might even be allowed into the living room or kitchen. However, no one but the husband and wife should be allowed inside the bedroom where most of the details about the marriage exist. To protect the sanctity of the marital relationship, the couple should have boundaries that parents and parents-in-law recognize and respect. It is the couple’s responsibility to set up these boundaries so that relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.

Why Boundaries Are Important

Connections

Once a couple has created the proper boundaries to protect their marriage relationship and the relationships with their families of origin the task of creating and maintaining connection begins. One way that a couple can connect with each other and with their families of origin is through rituals. A ritual can be described as something through a specific sequence of acts to promote a change in the life of a family.¹⁰ Family scholar William Doherty describes a ritual as a repeated and coordinated activity that has significance to the participant. Doherty also adds that a ritual must contain three important parts: a transition phase, an enactment phase, and an exit phase.¹¹

The Ritual Phases

There are three major parts to a ritual: the transition phase, the enactment phase, and the exit phase. The transition phase is basically a coming together; something needs to be done to signal the beginning of the ritual. The enactment phase is the action part of the ritual. This is where everything takes place. This phase is where the entire purpose of the ritual mutual enjoyment and a greater sense of connection takes place. The exit phase is when the ritual begins to wind down and ends. Doherty warns that ending a ritual in a negative way is harmful to the experience and to the ritual.¹¹

The Purpose of Rituals

Rituals can be used to create connections both in a marriage relationship and with families of procreation and origin. These connections will be brought about by creating traditions that can bring fond memories for many years to come.

Marital Connection Rituals

A challenge that couples may face while trying to create or maintain connections with each other is figuring out how to do it. Doherty also notes that courting couples those who are actively trying to get closer together have no problem doing this because they are doing just that: Actively trying to be closer together. He also acknowledges that the active seeking of connection may diminish as a couple has been married for more and more time. The following suggestions, taken from Doherty's 1997 book, The Intentional Family, are ways that a couple may seek a better connectedness than they currently enjoy.¹¹

Talk to Each Other

Creating or recreating connectedness requires a lot of one on one communication. In our busy lives, this may seem impossible. Most marital talk does not take place in a “sit down and chat" manner. Rather, it occurs in small fragments of conversation spaced throughout the day. Doherty suggests that 15 minutes a day can be sufficient to maintain the already created connectedness a couple may have. However, he cautions that the time spent talking must become a ritual or it will not happen regularly. This talking time must be a focused regular time to talk as a couple or the desired connection will not happen.

Date Night

Doherty has prescribed the following for rituals of connection for couples with children: 15 minutes of conversation a day plus a date at least every other week. The reason for the need to have a date at least every other week is because even though a couple spends a lot of time together, they don't spend very much special time together. The purpose of the date is for the couple to feel close, not just to be close. The main ingredients for the date are found in the acronym PEC (think of a kiss a little peck on the cheek maybe). P is for privacy. A date is not a date if the couple cannot be alone and away from any children they may have. E is for enjoyment. The date should be something that is mutually enjoyable, that means for both partners. C is for conversation. This is where the connecting happens. Try to avoid talking about marital issues or family business. Just enjoy each other.

Family Meals

Mealtime can be a great time for a couple to connect with each other. Eating is something that we all have to do so it is a wonderful opportunity for us to use this time to strengthen relationships. Turn off the television. Eat at the table. Eat at the same time each day so that family members can expect it. Talk to each other. Meals can not only refill our stomachs but our relationship energy also.

Extended Family Connections

In-law relationships are many times stereotyped as being bad for marriages, however, the very same relationships can also be enriching to family life.³ Relationships with extended family could be compared to a campfire. From the proper distance, a campfire can be enjoyed (think of a s'more). Getting too far from the fire makes you cold. Being too close can burn. In the society of today, many people find themselves geographically displaced from one or both sides of their extended family. In these situations, it is especially important for families to be purposeful in maintaining a connection. Following are some suggestions for extended family rituals to bring about a stronger sense of connection.

Holidays

Holiday traditions that are transformed into rituals have the capability to create memories that last for a lifetime. One of my most memorable ritual traditions was the Easter Egg Hunt at my grandparents' home. Growing up in my family, the Easter holiday was a time for family. Everyone would gather at my grandparents' home for a day of family fun. The highlight of the day was the Egg Hunt that only the grandchildren were allowed to participate in. Prior to dinner, my Grandmother would call everyone out to the entrance to the yard (the transition phase). When Grandma said go, the grandchildren would rush in and find as many eggs as he or she could. Each grandchild had a special egg set apart for them and only them. It had their name written on it and had a present inside (the enactment phase). The ritual would finish no one could find any more eggs. Everyone would then take their candy inside and count it (the exit phase). After the Easter dinner, the grandchildren would go back outside and hide the eggs again (empty of the candy of course) just to be able to do the hunt again.

An example of a family tradition that has not been turned into a ritual might take place at Thanksgiving. Let us assume that the entire extended family gathers at Grandma Wanda's house for the Thanksgiving Feast. Aunt Marjorie does all of the cooking while her husband watches football with the rest of the men. The wives in the family aren't sure what to do because they don't like football, and Marjorie is not about to let them ruin the turkey by lending a hand. Kids are playing hide-and-seek while being lectured by Uncle Frank because he missed the interception because Kevin ran in front of him. Finally, Marjorie declares that “dinner is ready" and everyone sits down at the table. Cousin Sue begins to eat right away, while Aunt Molly tries to get everyone to say what they are thankful for this year. Meanwhile, Sarah complains that she is too old to sit at the kid's table. As the meal progresses arguments ensue. One by one family members begin excusing themselves from the table as they realize that they have once again over-filled themselves on the delicious smorgasbord. Awkwardly, individuals and families begin to leave for their own homes, not knowing exactly if it is time to or not.

This Thanksgiving tradition is not a ritual because it does not contain the three phases of what makes a ritual a ritual. No one is sure of what is really supposed to be happening. There is no structure to follow. It may even end up that everyone leaves unhappy because Uncle Frank and Aunt Mary began to fight over cleaning up just like they did last year.

Many people assume that their holiday traditions are automatic rituals. Doherty has pointed out that many times these events are not true rituals meaning that they do not include the phases of a ritual¹¹. In examining your family’s holiday traditions, look for ways that you can ritualize the experience to create a more connected sharing time with family and extended family alike.

Here are some of Doherty's suggestions for transforming holidays into rituals that connect family members:

• Share your plans. Will you go to an extended family member's home, or celebrate it at your own home? Make sure that others know what your plans are. If Grandma Maude is expecting the whole family to show up at her house and you don't, feelings can be injured. Be sure to set clear boundaries.

• Involve everyone. Let everyone be a part of the celebration. If Aunt Petunia insists that she will do all of the cooking have others help set the table, greet guests, attend to waiting guests, clean up, etc.

• Transition, enactment, and exit. Make sure that the ritual includes the ritual phases. Many holidays center on a feast. If this is the enactment phase, be sure that there is a transition (such as someone calling everyone together and saying grace) and an exit phase (such as having a structured activity at the end of a meal that has a definite end a family hayride for example). Perhaps include activities before and after the meal.

• Expect the expected. Some families have difficulties during the holidays. Disagreements may arise, kids may be running amok in the house, siblings will fall into their familiar roles, etc. If these are to be expected as possibilities then they can't "ruin Christmas." While you should expect the expected, you should also keep your expectations realistic at the same time. Holidays can bring about frustration if idealistic expectations are not met.

Phone calls

The telephone can be used to keep families connected. A mother who calls her married daughter can make sure to speak with her son-in-law also. Fond memories can be made from a thousand miles away as a grandmother speaks to her grandchildren over the phone. For example, one family living 2000 miles apart had holiday conference calls to stay in touch despite vast distances separating them.

Family Newsletters

A family newsletter is a great way to keep extended family connected and up to date with the happenings of your family. The newsletter could take the form of an email, a postcard, a letter, pictures and descriptions, etc. Each family can send a newsletter to each other, or someone can be in charge of receiving everyone’s contributions to create an extended family newspaper which is then distributed to everyone in the family.

Blogs

Blogs are quickly becoming a popular form of communication. A family can create a blog, post family news and pictures, and share the blog with others. This is another way in which technology can aid family connection, and many blog sites are free.

These examples are only suggestions for how to improve connections between extended family. It is important to be what Doherty calls "intentional".¹¹ Be purposeful in your traditions. Intentionally find ways to connect with each other. Be flexible also. Married children should understand that their parents want them to be with them for holidays: Parents should understand that their married children can't be at every holiday with them and need to establish their own traditions too.⁷

In conclusion, the period of separation and connection following a marriage can be a difficult time for anyone. In the period of change from being a single child to becoming a married child, everyone involved should remember that boundaries do not exist to keep people out, but that they are there to help create happy relationships. Proper separation and boundary setting will set the stage for better connections with extended family in the present and in the future.

Further Reading:

http://smartmarriages.com/intentionalmarriage.html

The Intentional Family, by William J. Doherty

Written by Joseph Ransom, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Wallerstein, J. S. (1994). The early psychological tasks of marriage: Part I. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 64, 640-650.
2. Meyerstein, I. (1996). A systematic approach to in-law dilemmas. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 22, 469-480.
3. Silverstein, J. L. (1990). The problem with in-laws. Journal of Family Therapy, 14, 399-412.
4. Risch, G. S., Riley, L. A., & Lawler, M. G. (2003). Problematic issues in the early years of marriage: Content for premarital education. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 31, 253-269.
5. Beckerman, N. L., & Shepherd, L. (2002). Couple therapy: Identification of conflict areas. Family Therapy, 29(2), 77-87.
6. Goldenberg, I., & Goldenberg, H. (2008). Family therapy: An overview (7^thed.). Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Co.
7. Harper, J. M., & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. In C. H. Hart, L. D. Newell, E. Walton, & D. C. Dollahite (Eds.) Helping and healing our families: Principles inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.
8. Collin, P. H. (Ed.) (1999). Bound. Webster's student dictionary. New York: Barnes & Noble Books.
9. Collin, P. H. (Ed.) (1999). Boundary. Webster's student dictionary. New York: Barnes & Noble Books.
10. Imber-Black, E., Roberts, J., & Whiting, R. A. (Eds.) (2003). Rituals in families and family therapy, revised edition. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
11. Doherty, W. J. (1997). The intentional family. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc.

The scriptures teach us that a man shall "leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Modern revelation supports this: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else" (D&C 42:22). Researchers corroborate this gospel truth stating that a person must separate themselves from their family of origin and create a new identity as a married person.¹ Both science and religion conclude that separations should occur when a marriage takes place; however, neither has stated that it is necessary to completely absolve oneself from his or her family of origin. On the contrary, one must separate from their family of origin, connect with their spouse, and forge new connections with their family, all in a proper context.

Separation

Research has determined that marital difficulties may arise if someone doesn't properly disconnect themselves from their family of origin.^2,3 Most of this difficulty arises because the couple has failed to construct appropriate boundaries around their marriage.² It may be difficult to separate from your family of origin, but it is worth the effort. Some even feel that the achievement of separating psychologically from your family of origin is worth praise.¹ However, as previously mentioned, separation is not permanent. It is only for the purpose of creating a marital relationship. The whole idea of separating in order to connect is a paradox. Once the separations are created, the married couple has to create new connections with their families of originals a married couple. My mission president told me the following in my final interview with him: When you find a girl you like, you have to learn how to love her as your girlfriend. When you get married, you have to learn to love her as your wife. When you have your first child, you have to learn to love her as a mother. When your children leave your home, you have to learn to love her as an individual again (G. Vazquez, personal communication, April 5, 2004). This shows that even when connection is present, it is sometimes necessary to learn how to reconnect as situations change (such as when one gets married). Many challenges regarding separation and connection have their roots in one of two things: triangulation or enmeshment.

Triangulation

Triangulation creates an imbalance in a relationship. It is bringing a third person into a two-person relationship. Two of the people within this relationship will be closer than they are with the third.⁴ This can cause jealousy for the third person who is left out, or even create competition for attention.¹ Spencer W. Kimball has said that after marriage, people frequently "continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers and their chums".⁵

Example

Mary Lou and Jane are best friends. Jane is married to Peter. Jane and Mary Lou always go out together, often leaving Peter home alone with the kids. Jane confides many things to Mary Lou about Peter and the marriage. Mary Lou sometimes criticizes Peter, based on what Jane has told hereby telling him things he should do to change. Peter feels jealous of all the time that Jane spends with Mary Lou and gets upset with her when Mary Lou criticizes him.

In this example, Peter, Jane, and Mary Lou have a triangulated relationship. Jane shares things with Mary Lou that should only exist between her and Peter. Because of Jane's sharing, Mary Lou, as a friend, feels like she should try and help make Peter and Jane's marriage work better. Mary Lou should instead tell Jane that she should not involve her in their relationship. Private information that Jane was sharing should only be shared between husband and wife. Similar situations also happen within the bounds of a family. Instead of Jane sharing information with a friend, she might have shared private information with a parent. "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have upon their children; and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife [or to the husband] in most things".⁵

Enmeshment

Enmeshment has similar problems as triangulation. Enmeshment occurs when boundaries are unclear and family members are unduly concerned or involved in another family member's life.⁴ When enmeshment is presenting a family it is very hard for family members to differentiate their feelings from another's: loyalties can also be blurred.⁶

Example

Thomas and Brooke were recently married. Brooke's mother will not let them rent an apartment that is within the price range they can afford because she thinks it is located in an area that is too dangerous for her little girl. She insists that the newlyweds to live in her home. It is awkward for Thomas and Brooke. They have trouble creating a marriage identity. They are not allowed to be independent. Thomas and Brooke are frustrated because they do not know what they should do. They are grateful to Brooke's mother for the free rent. However, they want to be able to be themselves and find that hard to do because they have to live under someone else's roof and rules.

Spencer W. Kimball taught that it is important for couples to "immediately" locate their own home that is "separate and apart from" their in-laws' homes.⁵ "The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks". He continued with further counsel, "You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it".⁵

The issues that Peter and Jane (and Brooke and Thomas) are facing could be avoided if the couples had proper boundaries in place.

Boundaries

"It is important that newly married couples learn to develop appropriate relationships with their parents. Appropriate, in this sense, involves establishing definite marital boundaries".⁷ A boundary is "an abstract delineation between parts of a system or between systems, typically defined by implicit or explicit rules regarding who may participate and in what manner".⁴ In this definition, a system is used to describe an entity such as a marriage. So in normal speech, this definition might come to sound something like this: a boundary is an invisible border between a marriage and outside relationships that describes who can be allowed to interact with the marriage and how the interactions may take place.

Why Boundaries Are Important

For a nation, a boundary represents a geographical space that is recognized as territory by other nations. With a clearly defined boundary, a nation is justified in taking action to protect that which lies within its bounds. Having boundaries around a marriage provides a similar psychological position. If someone tries to breach the boundary of the marriage, action should be taken to preserve the territory. Others will recognize the action as just cause. However, a boundary is not just for protection from attack. For example, a newly married couple might say to their families of origin| hey, this is our boundary, don't cross it. Later, should the boundary be breached, it will be much easier for the couple to kindly ask the intruders to back away. Certain things need to be kept inside the boundaries of a marriage. Spencer W. Kimball has counseled that "all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others".⁸ The Proclamation indicates another boundary spouses need to "honor marital vows with complete fidelity" (Proclamation, ¶ 8). Having boundaries in place, to dictate who can participate in the marriage and how the participation can occur, will make conflict easier to handle in the future. The establishment of healthy boundaries also sets the stage for connection to take place.

Connections

Once a couple has created the proper boundaries the task of creating and maintaining connection begins. I desire to be close to my spouse, our children, and our extended families. I think that is a common desire that we all share. As members of the Church, we are taught from a very early age that families are forever. In Primary, through song, we are taught that "families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's Plan. I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can".⁹ The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches us that our family relationships can be "perpetuated beyond the grave" (Proclamation, ¶ 3). If our family relationships continue in the eternities, we ought to work now to make them more connected. One way that a couple can connect with each other and with their families of origin is through rituals. A ritual can be described as something, through a specific sequence of acts, to promote a change in the life of a family.¹⁰ Family scholar William Doherty describes a ritual as a repeated and coordinated activity that has significance to the participant. Doherty also adds that a ritual must contain three important parts: a transition phase, an enactment phase, and an exit phase.¹¹

The Ritual Phases

The transition phase is basically a coming together. Something needs to be done to signal the beginning of the ritual. The transition phase is bringing everyone into what Doherty calls "ritual space".¹¹ The enactment phase is the action part of the ritual. This is where everything takes place. This phase is where the entire purpose of the ritual mutual enjoyment and a greater sense of connection takes place. The exit phase is when the ritual begins to wind down and ends. Doherty warns that ending a ritual in a negative way is harmful to the experience and to the ritual.¹¹

The Purpose of Rituals

Rituals can be used to create connections both in a marriage relationship and with families of procreation and origin. These connections will be brought about by creating traditions that can bring fond memories for many years to come.

Marital Connection Rituals

It is important for a married couple to connect with each other. Church leaders have stressed this time and time again. "The friendship and love between you and your spouse should be your most cherished earthly relationship".¹² A couple may face a challenge when trying to create or maintain a sense of connection with the other. They may have fallen out of the habit of actively courting since the time they were married. As a dating or engaged couple, they were always looking for ways to be together. Doherty acknowledges that as a couple has been married for more and more time, the active seeking of connection may diminish. Here are two suggestions from Doherty that may help a couple connect:¹¹

Talk to Each Other

Doherty suggests that 15 minutes a day can be sufficient to maintain the already created connectedness a couple may have. However, he cautions that the time spent talking must become a ritual or it will not happen regularly. This talking time must be a focused regular time to talk as a couple or the desired connection will not happen.

Date Night

Doherty suggests that a couple goes on a date at least every other week. His recipe for a good date includes these three ingredients:¹¹

• Privacy. Make sure that you are alone so that you can connect with each other (i.e., no children).
• Enjoyment. Do something that you enjoy, but make sure your partner also enjoys it.
• Conversation. Connection comes through communication, don't spend this time discussing marital problems, just connect with each other as friends.

Church leaders have also stressed the idea that couples should continue their courtship after marriage. "There must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing".⁵ A date is a great way for a couple to keep their love fire stoked and burning. Elder Joe J. Christensen has also spoken on the topic of continued courtship.¹³

"Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together, just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling".¹³

Family Connections

It is also important to create connections on a family level (i.e. parents and their children). Here are two suggestions for strengthening the bonds between parents and children.

Family Home Evening

The Church has suggested that each family practices a weekly Family Home Evening. This is a great time for a family to gather together and build memories and connections. President James E. Faust has said that "one of the most important ways to foster unity in the home is holding family home evening regularly."¹⁴

Family Prayer

Family prayer can be a way to bring family members closer together. When a family member, or extended family member, is struggling with a trial in life, a family can join together and collectively seek the Lord's aid.

Extended Family Connections

In-law relationships are many times stereotyped as being bad for marriages, however, the very same relationships can also be enriching to family life.³ In the society of today, many people find themselves geographically displaced from one or both sides of their extended family. In these situations, it is especially important for families to be purposeful in maintaining connection. Following are some suggestions for extended family rituals to bring about a stronger sense of connection.

Holidays

Holiday traditions that are transformed into rituals have the capability to create memories that last a lifetime. Many people assume that their holiday traditions are automatic rituals. Doherty has pointed out that many times these events are not true rituals, meaning that they do not include the phases of a ritual.¹¹ In examining your family's holiday traditions, look for ways that you can turn the tradition into a ritual experience to create a more connected sharing time with family and extended family alike. Here are some of Doherty's suggestions for transforming holidays into rituals that connect family members:

• Share your plans. Will you go to an extended family member's home, or celebrate it at your own home? Make sure that others know what your plans are. If Grandma Maude is expecting the whole family to show up at her house and you don't, feelings can be injured. Be sure to set clear boundaries.

• Involve everyone. Let everyone be a part of the celebration. If Aunt Petunia insists that she will do all of the cooking have others help set the table, greet guests, attend to waiting guests, clean up, etc.

• Transition, enactment, and exit. Make sure that the ritual includes the ritual phases. Many holidays center on a feast. If this is the enactment phase, be sure that there is a transition (such as someone calling everyone together and blessing the food) and an exit phase (such as having a structured activity at the end of a meal that has a definite end, a family hayride for example). Perhaps include activities before and after the meal.

• Expect the expected. Most families have difficulties during the holidays. Disagreements may arise, kids may be running amok in the house, siblings will fall into their familiar roles, etc. If these are to be expected, then they can't "ruin Christmas." While you should expect the expected, you should also keep your expectations realistic at the same time. Holidays can bring about frustration if idealistic expectations are not met.

Phone calls

The telephone can be used to keep families connected. Fond memories can be made from a thousand miles away as a grandmother speaks to her grandchildren over the phone. For example, one family living 2000 miles apart had holiday conference calls to stay in touch despite vast distances separating them. To build better connections with the entire family, a mother calling her daughter could also talk to her son-in-law.

Family Newsletters

A family newsletter is a great way to keep extended family connected and up to date with the happenings of your family. The newsletter could take the form of an email, a postcard, a letter, pictures and descriptions, etc. Each family can send a newsletter to each other, or someone can be in charge of receiving everyone's contributions to create an extended family newspaper which is then distributed to everyone in the family.

Social Networks

Social networks (e.g. www.facebook.com) are an easy way to maintain communication with family and friends. Elder M. Russell Ballard has said "social networks on the Web can be used to expand healthy friendships".¹⁵

Blogs

Blogs are quickly becoming a popular form of communication. A family can create a blog, post family news and pictures, and share the blog with others. This is another way in which technology can aid family connection, and many blog sites are free.

These examples are only suggestions for how to improve connections between extended family. Most important is to be what Doherty calls "intentional", be purposeful in your traditions and rituals.¹¹ Intentionally find ways to connect with each other. Be flexible also. Married children should understand that their parents want them to be with them for holidays: Parents should understand that their married children can't be at every holiday with them and need to establish their own traditions, too.⁶

In conclusion, the period of separation and connection following a marriage can be a difficult time for anyone. In the period of change from being a single child to becoming a married child, everyone involved should remember that boundaries do not exist to keep people out, but that they are there to help create happy relationships. Proper separation and boundary setting will set the stage for better connections with extended family in the present and in the future.

Further Reading:

http://smartmarriages.com/intentionalmarriage.html

The Intentional Family, by William J. Doherty

In Search of the Great Pumpkin

Legend of the Snow Turkey

Picture Perfect Christmas

Written by Joseph Ransom, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

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3. Silverstein, J. L.(1990). The problem with in-laws. Journal of Family Therapy, 14, 399-412.
4. Goldenberg, I., & Goldenberg, H. (2008). Family therapy: An overview (7^thed.). Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Co, 465.
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8. Kimball, S. W. (2002, October). Oneness in marriage. Ensign, 40-45.
9. Gardner, R. M. (1980). Families can be together forever. In Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (300). Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
10. Imber-Black, E., Roberts, J., & Whiting, R. A. (Eds.) (2003). Rituals in families and family therapy, revised edition. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
11. Doherty, W. J.(1997). The intentional family. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc, 25.
12. Marriage. (2004). In True to the faith: A gospel reference (pp. 97-101). Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
13. Christensen, J. J. (1995, May). Marriage and the great plan of happiness. Ensign, 64.
14. Faust, J. E. (2003, June). Enriching our lives through family home evening. Ensign, 2-6.
15. Ballard, M. R. (2008, August). Sharing the gospel using the internet. Ensign, 58-63.