Rituals: Family Leadership in Action

In his groundbreaking book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey explains the difference between leadership and management.¹ Management, he explains, is the day-to-day administration that occurs in any organization. Leadership, on the other hand, is guiding an organization towards a specific goal. For example, management in business concerns itself with how employees spend their time and how specific projects are running. Leadership is more interested in the future outcomes of the company. Covey says that while both are important, leadership should come first. Without leadership, there is no vision and therefore no investments are made for long-term returns.

So, what does this have to do with families?

Covey explains: “I’m convinced that too often parents are also trapped in the management paradigm, thinking of control, efficiency, and rules instead of direction, purpose, and family feeling.”

Enacting leadership in family life is a daunting task. First, you must understand in what direction the family should go, and then how to guide them there. But family potential is lost to the daily grind when parents focus on management instead of leadership. Therefore, families must be intentional about the direction they want to go. Family rituals are an invaluable tool parents can use to put leadership into action in their family.

Family Vision

Take a moment to think about what you hope for your family over the next five, ten and twenty years. What will these relationships look like? What have your children and grandchildren learned from your example? Will your family achieve the vision you have just created if it continues in its current direction?

The Family: A Proclamation to the World provides us with a set of worthy goals for our families: “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live” (¶6). The Proclamation goes on to say that, “Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

Consider how rituals connect to family leadership and achieving the vision in the Proclamation. Family rituals help individuals know what is important in their family, take time to be together, and connect with their other family members. To be able to take full advantage of the power of family rituals, it is important to define what is a family ritual.

Rituals Versus Routines

To understand what a family ritual is, it is helpful to understand what it is not. A ritual is not merely a routine. Rituals are meaningful acts that helps families come closer together and create a unified identity. Routines are simply repeated behaviors that family members often do at the same time. Routines are classified under family management whereas rituals are a crucial part of family leadership.

The same activity can be considered a ritual or a routine depending on how it is treated by the family. So what exactly is the difference between the two? Barbara Fiese, a well-known researcher of family rituals, and her colleagues explained that rituals and routines are different in three ways:

• Communication
• Commitment
• Continuity

Let’s look at an example of an activity—family breakfast—that could be a ritual or a routine. We will use these three C’s to understand how a routine can become a ritual: ²

• Communication. When families are participating in a routine, communication mainly revolves around what needs to get done. At family breakfast, this would mean that the conversation is limited to Mom asking who is making the toast, Susie asking if Bobby could pass the salt, or random, meaningless topics. In a ritual, on the other hand, communication can involve these things while also involving something called symbolic communication. Symbolic communication is defined as communication that means much more to the family than the nuts and bolts of family living. This could be something that has to do with family identity. For one family, sports might make up an important part of their identity. If family breakfast is a ritual for this family, they may be likely to make a habit out of discussing player stats or making friendly bets about who will win the game that night. But these discussions are more than just a conversation; they are symbolic communications about who they are (“We are the Johnsons; we love sports”). These are the kinds of conversations that bring families together under a common family identity.

• Commitment. Another way to tell if an activity is a ritual or routine is to notice how much time and effort families put into it. A routine tends to be shorter, and when it is over the family members do not think much about it. On the other hand, if a family carefully plans an activity and spends more than just a few minutes at it, it is likely a ritual. In addition, rituals create a sense of belonging that routines cannot.

• Longevity is an important aspect of rituals. Both rituals and routines occur regularly. The difference with rituals is that meanings associated with parts of the rituals span generations, and these meanings may not be understood by someone outside the family. For example. During mealtime one family would use utensils, plates, cups, and any other object at the table to make beats that synchronized together with the other beats made by family members. The meaning behind this was not understood by those outside the family but had a special significance for them. This tradition of creating spontaneous music with regular table objects may then be carried on to future generations.

Elements of a Ritual

In his book The Intentional Family, marital therapist and renowned family researcher William Doherty talked about three distinct steps that a ritual must have in order to be a ritual: a transition phase, an enactment phase, and an exit phase.³

Transition. Rituals require some sort of signal that shows that the ritual is beginning. This phase marks the shift from daily activities and routines into the protected ritual domain. Examples of transitions include prayers before family meals, the kids choosing which book they want read to them before bed, and breakfast in bed to kick off the Mother’s Day celebrations.

Enactment. This phase is the heart of the ritual. This portion is unique to each family, and the activity will coincide. Whatever you do that makes up the ritual is included here.

Exit. Just as there is a phase that signals a ritual is beginning, this phase indicates that the ritual is now over. For family meals, this may be when children are excused from the table.

What is important to know is that rituals must have a clear beginning and ending if they are to be effective. Understanding each of these phases helps families to know where they need to make adjustments when a ritual is not working perfectly. Doherty also explains that rituals have a variety of purposes. Some are for the purpose of connection, such as family meals and rituals around bedtime, waking up, leaving and arriving home. Others are for celebration and community purposes, such as birthdays, holidays, weddings, and funerals. Each of these types of rituals have unique elements, but all follow the same structure of the transition, enactment, and exit phases.

Common Dangers to the Family Ritual (And What to Do About Them)

Alas, there are many obstacles to creating and keeping rituals going. Here are a few common pitfalls and how to avoid them.

Time Constraints. Time is a valuable but limited resource. We decide where we invest it, and we have to live with the consequences of our investments. We live in a world where busyness is celebrated, and worth is calculated by how many responsibilities we have. With all the demands on each member of the family from work, school, extra-curricular activities, church service, community involvement, and other areas, it is a wonder that families have any time for each other at all! Yet, if we do not invest enough in our family, those prized relationships will weaken. To keep relationships alive and well, prioritizing family rituals is a must. Choosing to set aside time for rituals may be difficult, but the benefits are well worth it.

Technology. Technology an integral part of our society. Between smartphones, social media, television, email, and other technological platforms, there are so many things that demand our attention. These have the potential to distract us from the relationships that mean the most in the end. Turning off the TV during family meals or having a “technology basket” where individuals can stash their smartphones for the duration of the ritual can enhance the time spent together.

Resistance from Individual Family Members. Often, one or more family members does not buy into the value of a family ritual. Perhaps they believe it is a waste of time or there is something else that they would prefer to do. However, as Doherty says, “if family members can come and go from a ritual, it loses its coordination and its opportunity for bonding.”² This means that parents ought to lovingly enforce the rule that all family members should be present for the ritual and not be distracted by other things.

Changes to Family Structure. For many people, the traditional family structure (mother and father raising children) is simply not a reality. Divorce, loss, and remarriage all create complex family structures that can make it especially difficult to make and keep rituals. Researchers on this topic have suggested that these families should have an “intentional renegotiation” of rituals they may have had in the past (pre-divorce, remarriage, or death) so that each new family has their own unique, connecting rituals.^4,5

Benefits

Rituals bring many rewards if they are done correctly. The first and most obvious benefit is connection. When a family defends their time together, relationships are strengthened. This can be especially important for non-traditional families or those that are going through a rough time. For example, rituals can give stepfamilies a greater sense of belonging.⁶

In addition to connection, rituals also help families heal. For those experiencing loss, such as the death of a loved one, divorce, or other similar circumstances, rituals help promote mutual support and encouragement within the family.⁶

Rituals provide a venue through which positive values can be promoted. For example, if a parent wishes to teach their children about serving others, they can do so by creating family rituals that involve family participation in service. This can be an excellent way that parents can implement democracy in the home. To show that parents value and welcome their children’s input, for example, parents can have a regular family council in which children can help plan family vacations, recreational outings, or other events.

Another reason to have rituals is the sense of identity for the family that they provide, as well as an element of predictability. Rituals help families create a “home” where the environment is familiar and comfortable. They help provide the boundaries which keep the family identity intact. Parents and children both find that rituals are a foundation upon which they build mutual trust.

Those who participate in family rituals tend to have lower rates of alcoholism, divorce, depression, mental illness, and poverty.¹ Other health benefits depend on the type of ritual in which the family participates. Regular family dinners, for example, are associated with more balanced diets and a decrease in obesity.⁷ Reading at night with your children is correlated with increased academic, language, and social skills.⁸

The benefits of rituals, as we have already explored, are extensive. This is not to say that there are no possible downsides to rituals, because if they are used incorrectly, they can have a negative impact. An excess of rituals can potentially cause family members to give up their independence in favor of total dependence on the family, and this can prevent individuals from having a life outside their family. This in turn can be especially bad for teenagers as it prevents them from developing autonomy from their parents, individual identity, and relationships with peers.⁹ Also important is that rituals are not a way for parents to be tyrannical towards their children. Family rituals ought to promote mutual respect and interdependence within the family, and a “my way or the highway” attitude threatens that outcome.

For an additional list of benefits, see the article titled Mealtime Matters at this website.

Examples

Consider the following examples of rituals. You may find that you may want to start implementing these ideas in your family, or tweak them if they are already being used:

• Regular Family Meals
• Comings and Goings
  • Daily planning and coordinating schedules
  • Connecting after work with spouse to talk about how your day went
• Rising/Retiring
  • Bedtime rituals (e.g. reading books to kids before bed)
  • Morning rituals (e.g. waking the kids up in a special way)
• Couple
  • Rituals of affection (for example, special kiss moments during the day)
• Holidays
  • Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc.
• Community
  • Weddings
  • Rites of passage (Bar Mitzvah, Sweet 16, etc.)
  • Funerals

This list is by no means exhaustive, but it may provide a starting point. There is the danger that any one of these ideas could potentially be routines instead of rituals, but each can be made into rituals by adding unique flavors that speak to your family’s needs. It may require some creativity to come up with elements of rituals that are meaningful for your family. For example, a morning planning ritual between spouses can include a regular cup of hot chocolate if that makes it special for them.

Conclusion

Keeping a family connected nowadays is not an easy task. With so many things demanding our time and energy, it is easy to forget the things and people that matter most. With vision and leadership, families can overcome! Rituals are one tool that wise parents use to show intentional leadership. They are a simple way that parents can make a big impact on their children and even future generations.

Written by Ashley Tuft Spencer, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. September 12, 2019.

References

1. Covey, S. R. (2013). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. New York: Simon & Schuster.
2. Fiese, B. H., Tomcho, T. J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.16.4.381
3. Doherty, W. J. (2002). The intentional family: Simple rituals to strengthen family ties. New York City: Harper.
4. Pett, M. A., Lang, N. E., & Gander, A. (1992). Late-life divorce: Its impact on family rituals. Journal of Family Issues, 13(4), 526–552. https://doi-org.dist.lib.usu.edu/10.1177/019251392013004008
5. Whiteside, M. F. (1989). Family rituals as a key to kinship connections in remarried families. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 38(1), 34-39. doi:10.2307/583607
6. Nelms, B. C. (2005). Giving children a great gift: Family traditions. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 19(6), 345-346. doi:10.1016/j.pedhc.2005.07.010
7. Hammons, A., & Fiese, B. H. (2011). Is frequency of shared family meals related to the nutritional health of children and adolescents? A metaanalysis. Pediatrics, 127, e1565–e1574. http://dxdoi.org/10.1542/peds.2010-1440
8. Spagnola, M., & Fiese, B. H. (2007). Family routines and rituals: A context for development in the lives of young children. Infants & Young Children, 20(4), 284-299. doi:10.1097/01.IYC.0000290352.32170.5a
9. Kivisto, K. L., Welsh, D. P., Darling, N., & Culpepper, C. L. (2015). Family enmeshment, adolescent emotional dysregulation, and the moderating role of gender. Journal of Family Psychology, 29(4), 604-613. doi:10.1037/fam0000118

The scriptures and living prophets have long recognized the importance of family rituals for helping individuals and families in this mortal journey. For example, in 1999 The First Presidency counseled parents and children to give “highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities.” Rituals can (1) unify the family under common values, (2) help parents to teach the gospel in the home, (3) protect the family against the adversary, and (4) help family members along the covenant path.

Unifying the Family Under Common Values

With so many competing values in the world, it is crucial that parents are intentional about showing their children which values are most important in the family. Family rituals can provide parents a way to show that they prioritize the gospel. Family prayer is one way that parents can show their children that they value a connection to God. In speaking to the Nephites during His visit to the Americas, Christ exhorted the people to “Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed” (3 Nephi 18:21). Daily family prayer has the potential to remind us of our dependence on God, of His great mercy, and of the covenants we have made with Him. This unifies the family in purpose: to love and serve God.

Teaching the Gospel in the Home

In the Doctrine and Covenants, God commanded parents that they must “teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord” (68:28). Family scripture study is one way that parents can fulfill this commandment. Nephi describes the purpose of scriptures when he said, “And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins” (2 Nephi 25:26, emphasis added). In addition to instructing the family on Christ, family scripture time allows time for parents to instruct their children—and to remind themselves—of other gospel principles, such as the importance of following the commandments, the value of a living prophet, and how to develop Christ-like attributes.

Scripture study is not the only opportunity that parents have to instruct their children, however. Other family rituals—such as family home evenings, mealtimes, personal interviews with children, and bedtime—can provide another platform for parents to discuss and exemplify gospel principles.

Protecting Against the Adversary

In addition to unifying and instructing families, rituals have the potential to protect families from the spiritual whirlwinds of our time by inviting divine power into our homes. Within the last few years, General Authorities have pointed out how various rituals can help families counteract the influence of the adversary in our homes.

Elder Richard G. Scott described the relationship between family history and spiritual protection when he gave us this charge: “Immerse yourself in searching for your ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. . . . I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life” (emphasis added).¹

Pornography is one example of a way that Satan can have a negative impact on our families. Several spiritual rituals have been named by General Authorities and other Church resources as counterattacks to this specific issue. Sister Linda Reeves, previously of the Relief Society General Presidency, explained that as we engage in daily family scripture study, prayer and family home evening, “we can petition the Lord for help and expect great guidance from the Spirit, knowing that we have done what our Father has asked us to do” in response to pornography and other challenges.² The Church has many supplemental resources for families who seek to prevent and overcome the influence of pornography in the home. For example, see this website.

Elder M. Russell Ballard described family councils as another vital family ritual in combating Satan’s influence. Of them, he said:

Family councils have always been needed. They are, in fact, eternal. We belonged to a family council in the premortal existence, when we lived with our heavenly parents as their spirit children. A family council, when conducted with love and with Christlike attributes, will counter the impact of modern technology that often distracts us from spending quality time with each other and also tends to bring evil right into our homes…. Now, brothers and sisters, there was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. We locked the doors, closed the windows; we shut the gates; and we felt safe, secure, and protected in our own little refuge from the outside world. Those days are now gone. The physical walls, doors, fences, and gates of our homes cannot prevent unseen invasion from the Internet, the Wi-Fi, the mobile phones, the networks. They can penetrate our homes with just a few clicks and keystrokes. Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships.³

Helping Family Members Along the Covenant Path

As with most things in life, it is progress and not perfection that is expected of us. Rituals—such as sacred ordinances we perform in order to make covenants with God—provide excellent checkpoints in our celestial journey. Elder Gary E. Stevenson described how he and his wife were intentional about planning the needed rituals for his family:

Recently, Elder David A. Bednar described a simple way to conduct a family assessment to mark progress on the covenant path by essential ordinances. All that is needed is a piece of paper with two columns: “name” and “plan for next or needful ordinance.” I did this recently, listing each family member. Among them, I noted an infant grandson, soon to be blessed; a six-year-old grandson, whose preparation for baptism was essential; and a son turning 18, whose preparation for the priesthood and temple endowment was imminent. Everyone on the list needed the sacrament ordinance. This simple exercise assisted Lesa and me in fulfilling our role to help each member of our family along the covenant path, with an action plan for each of them. Perhaps this is an idea for you which will lead to family discussions, family home evening lessons, preparation, and even invitations for essential ordinances in your family.⁴

Rituals are essential parts of Heavenly Father’s plan for us as individuals and for families. They require intentional effort, but the rewards are substantial. Spiritual power will come into our lives as we try to partake of worthy family rituals. This power includes spiritual protection, family unity, and making it possible for “individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, ¶3).

Written by Ashley N. Tuft, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. September 12. 2019.

References

1. Scott, R. G. (2012, November). The joy of redeeming the dead.
2. Reeves, L. S. (2014, May). Protection from pornography—Christ-focused home.
3. Ballard, M. R. (2016, May). Family councils.
4. Stevenson, G. E. (2014, May). Your four minutes. Ensign.