Relationship Struggles? Attachment Might be to Blame

Dating and romantic relationships can be fun, interesting, and joyful, but they can also be so difficult that they are the topic of gossip, jokes, and tears. Some people go through one failed relationship after another without understanding why. They may think that they’re the problem. However, some kinds of scarring experiences, like attachment trauma, can make it harder to keep a good romantic relationship.¹ Attachment trauma has to do with attachment theory, which can explain how people form beliefs and behaviors about important people and relationships. Sometimes these patterns stay with them their whole lives.

Early Experiences

Right after they’re born, babies want to form close relationships with their parents to meet their physical and emotional needs.¹ As babies start exploring the world, they go to their parents when they are sad or stressed. If parents are available and respond with love, babies feel better and continue exploring. However, if parents aren’t available or don’t respond well, babies might sad and alone.^{2, 3} This happens over and over again in a person’s childhood, shaping their beliefs about themselves, others, and relationships. These beliefs can change a person’s behaviors in relationships. These beliefs and behaviors together are called an attachment style.² Attachment styles can either be secure (healthy) or insecure (unhealthy) and they can carry over into adulthood. As people begin dating, their attachment style can affect the quality of their romantic relationships.

When a child usually gets positive responses from caregivers, he or she will likely develop a secure attachment style. People with secure attachment styles have good self-esteem and think positively about other people. They are comfortable with relationships. They usually are trusting, and because of these beliefs, they usually have the healthiest and happiest relationships.² Sometimes, though, parents are abusive or neglectful, or even just not warm and available most of the time. This can lead to an insecure attachment style. There are two main kinds of insecure attachment: anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.⁴ Like the name, those who have anxious attachment are anxious about relationships. They worry that they’re unlovable and that people will leave them. People who have avoidant attachment, like the name, avoid dating because they don’t think that people can be trusted to care for them. Here is some more information about each kind of insecure attachment.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style think poorly of themselves and highly of other people.² Because the people who should have cared for them didn’t, they believe that they don’t deserve love and care from others. However, anxiously attached people, like most people, still want love and care. These thoughts and feelings lead to several behaviors, such as:

• Worrying about threats to relationships, like arguments²
• Negative feelings, like jealousy or worry¹
• Defining their based on relationships, which means they only think they have worth if they are dating someone¹
• Trying to get closer to partners, physically and emotionally, by doing things like not giving them space after an argument¹
• Fear that their partners will leave them²

Avoidant Attachment

Unlike anxiously attached people, people with an avoidant attachment style think highly of themselves and poorly of other people.² They think that no one will be there for them since people in the past haven’t been. They try to rely only on themselves, which leads to many behaviors that can harm relationships, such as:

• Fear of closeness. These people are afraid that if they get into a relationship, they’ll get hurt¹
• Negative emotions, like discomfort and unhappiness³
• Guarding emotions. They may not be willing to talk about or show their true feelings.¹
• Avoiding positive experiences, like relationships³
• Efforts to be self-sufficient so that they don’t have to rely on other people to help them¹
• Less social behavior, such as being less friendly and open²

People with insecure attachment styles, whether they are anxious or avoidant, have unhealthy beliefs about themselves and others that lead to unhealthy behaviors. These beliefs and behaviors that came from traumatic experiences in their childhood can lead insecurely attached people to harm their romantic relationships as adults without meaning to.² This means that even when they have a chance for a healthy relationship, they might do things that lead the relationship to fail. People with both avoidant and anxious attachment styles may sabotage their romantic relationships, but the way they do it can depend on their attachment style, as explained below.

Anxious Attachment Relationship Sabotage

Anxiously attached people sabotage their romantic relationships, both before and during the relationship itself. Anxiously attached people usually choose partners who also have insecure attachment styles, which can be harmful, since both partners in that case have unhealthy beliefs and behaviors.⁵ They also say they would rather date people who are also anxiously attached, but they often end up dating people who are avoidant.⁴ People usually choose partners that will treat them the way they expect to be treated, so an anxiously attached person, expecting that people will leave them and not want to be as close as they would like, chooses an avoidant person who does just that.

If they do get into a relationship, anxiously attached people tend to keep unintentionally sabotaging their relationships. For example, they react strongly to stressful situations. They tend to exaggerate negative memories and emotions, both in their own minds and in conversations with their partners, which makes them and their partners feel bad.¹ They can be clingy and controlling and often make their partners feel guilty.⁸ Even while they’re doing things that will push their partners away, they try to keep them close to avoid actually ending the relationship because they are afraid of being left alone.¹ Anxiously attached people actually sacrifice more for their relationships than any other attachment style, even securely attached people.² However, they often sacrifice to avoid being left alone, and sacrifices that aren’t selfless actually hurt relationships.¹

As a result, being in a relationship with an anxiously attached person might look something like this:

• Your partner overreacts.
• Your partner is often upset about things that happened in the past.
• Your partner makes you feel bad for your mistakes.
• Your partner won’t give you space because they don’t want you to leave them.

This isn’t fun, and often leads to a breakup.

If you think you might have anxious tendencies, you might identify with the following:

• You worry that your partner will leave you.
• You don’t want space from your partner.
• You feel that you put a lot of effort into relationships and try to do the right things, but no matter how hard you try, your relationships always fail.
• With each relationship failure, you believe more strongly that you are unworthy of love and care, and that something must be wrong with you that makes you unlovable.

Avoidant Attachment Relationship Sabotage

Like anxiously attached people, avoidantly attached people also sometimes sabotage their relationships before they begin. They fear closeness, so they often completely avoid relationships, even though relationships could bring joy to their lives.² If they do get into a relationship, avoidant people often choose partners who are also insecurely attached, which can lead to problems in the relationship.^5,4

A study conducted by the University of Manitoba found that people with an avoidant attachment style describe their ideal partner as being avoidant as well, but they rate their actual partners as anxious.⁴ Just like anxiously attached people, they choose relationships that will give them what they expect, so, expecting people to be clingy and emotional, they choose anxiously attached partners who will be that way.

They might also sabotage their relationships when they begin dating. A study found that people with an avoidant attachment style are much less likely to be asked out on second or third dates and much less likely to actually be in a relationship than securely attached people.⁶

This is because securely attached people are looking for partners who are confident, secure, and available. Since people with an avoidant attachment style are emotionally distant and afraid of closeness, they may come across as cold or unfriendly on dates, which understandably may not be inviting to a healthy date.
Once in relationships, the sabotage continues. Avoidant people have negative feelings toward their partners because they don’t think that they will be there for them.⁷ They shut down in arguments and don’t like to talk about feelings.⁸ They don’t sacrifice a lot for their relationships, and when they do, it’s to avoid something uncomfortable, like an argument.¹

If you are dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it might look like this:

• Your partner doesn’t ask about your feelings and doesn’t tell you about theirs.
• Your partner seems to put very little effort into the relationship, and when they do put in effort, it’s just to avoid a fight.
• Your partner shuts you out and refuses to talk about issues.
• Your partner doesn’t trust you to be there for them or let you help them when they’re having a hard time.

Relationships with these types of issues are not very enjoyable, and these unhealthy behaviors often lead to a breakup.

If you think you might have some avoidant tendencies, you might identify with the following:

• You feel that it is hard for you to open up and trust people, but that people are unwilling to give you the time and space you need.
• You feel that your partners are too clingy.
• You feel that when you do trust someone enough to date them, the relationship eventually fails and they let you down. This strengthens your belief that you can’t count on anyone to be there for you.

Avoidant vs. Anxious Attachment

It can be hard to keep the two insecure attachment styles straight, so here is a comparison of the different ways these two types of insecurely attached individuals might react:

• Avoidant people are less likely to be in relationships than anxious people⁶
• Avoidant people tend to withdraw/create distance, while anxious people try to get closer in stressful situations^9,1
• Both avoidant and anxious people choose partners who also have an insecure attachment style⁵
• Avoidant people are emotionally distant and unavailable, while anxious people are clingy⁸
• Avoidant people downplay their negative emotions, while anxious people exaggerate theirs¹
• Avoidant people have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others, and anxious people have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others.²
• Avoidant people tend to think that failed relationships are proof that other people can’t be trusted to love and care for them, while anxious people tend to think that failed relationships are proof that they are unlovable.

All is not Lost!

If you recognized yourself or your relationships in any of the descriptions above, don’t worry! The cycle of failed relationships can be stopped. The first step is to be aware of your attachment style and the beliefs, behaviors, and traits that go with it. You can learn where these thoughts and feelings come from and work to catch yourself when you begin to think or act unhealthily. Being aware of attachment styles can also help you choose to date people who are securely attached. If you find yourself dating someone who you think might be insecurely attached, you can help them by teaching them about attachment styles, helping them recognize behavior that hurts the relationship, and encouraging them to seek appropriate help.

Attachment trauma is hard to get over without help, but therapy has shown to be helpful.⁹ Attachment styles are not set in stone, so seeing a therapist is a great way to learn healthier beliefs, habits, and actions. Secure attachment behaviors and styles can be learned, and unhealthy thoughts and habits can be unlearned, leading to healthy and happy romantic relationships.

Written by Rachel Slade, edited by professors Julie Haupt, Mark Butler, and Stephen F. Duncan, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. February 5, 2020.

References

1. Meyer, D. D., Jones, M., Rorer, A., & Maxwell, K. (2015). Examining the associations among attachment, affective state, and romantic relationship quality. The Family Journal, 23(1), 18–25. doi:10.1177/1066480714547698
2. Mattingly, B. A., & Clark, E. M. (2012). Weakening relationships we try to preserve: Motivated sacrifice, attachment, and relationship quality. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 42(2), 373–386. doi:10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00893.x
3. Jiang, Y., & Tiliopoulos, N. (2014). Individual differences in adult attachment and reinforcement sensitivity. Personality and Individual Differences, 68, 205–210. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2014.04.022
4. Strauss, C., Morry, M. M., & Kito, M. (2012). Attachment styles and relationship quality: Actual, perceived, and ideal partner matching. Personal Relationships, 19(1), 14–36. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01333.x
5. Beeney, J. E., Stepp, S. D., Hallquist, M. N., Ringwald, W. R., Wright, A. G. C., Lazarus, S. A., . . . Pilkonis, P. A. (2019). Attachment styles, social behavior, and personality functioning in romantic relationships. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 10(3), 275-285. doi:10.1037/per0000317
6. Poulsen, F. O., Holman, T. B., Busby, D. M., & Carroll, J. S. (2013). Physical attraction, attachment styles, and dating development. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 301–319. doi:10.1177/0265407512456673
7. Lemay, E. P., Jr., & Spongberg, K. (2015). Perceiving and wanting to be valued by others: Implications for cognition, motivation, and behavior in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality, 83(4), 464–478. doi:10.1111/jopy.12122
8. Feeney, J., & Fitzgerald, J. (2019). Attachment, conflict and relationship quality: Laboratory-based and clinical insights. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 127–131. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.04.002
9. Black, A. E. (2019). Treating insecure attachment in group therapy: Attachment theory meets modern psychoanalytic technique. International Journal of Group Psychotherapy. doi:10.1080/00207284.2019.1588073