Relational Bullying

"She had barely introduced herself when Brianna and Mackenzie gave her a code name and started calling her Harriet the Hairy Whore. They told everyone Jenny was hooking up with the boys in the woods behind the soccer field. Jenny knew that being called a slut was the worst thing in the world, no matter where you lived. No one was even kissing yet. It was the lowest of the low.

Brianna and Mackenzie started a club called Hate Harriet the Hore Incorporated. They got every girl to join except two who didn't care. All the members had to walk by Jenny in the hallway and say, "Hhiiiiiii..." They made a long sighing noise to make sure she knew they were sounding out the initials of the club: HHHI Usually two or more girls would say it and then look at each other and laugh. Sometimes they couldn’t even say the whole thing, they were laughing so hard [...]Whenever Jenny was between classes, a girl would body slam her, knocking Jenny's books, and sometimes Jenny to the ground. If someone was watching, they'd pretend it was an accident"⁴ (pp. 26-27).

Overview of Relational Bullying

Childhood bullying is often noticed when physical signs, like bruises and cuts, are present. Although we generally can see the signs of physical bullying, there are other harmful forms of bullying that occur in childhood circles. An even more painful type of bullying is one that hurts a child on the inside. Although you can't easily see emotional signs of being hurt, this relational bullying (also known as covert aggression, social aggression, social bullying, indirect aggression, and emotional aggression), often begins as early as preschool³ and can create scars that may never fade. By understanding and talking with your child about relational bullying, you as a parent can either prevent the act altogether or help fix any problems that have already developed.

Relational bullying is a hidden type of aggression (or hostile behavior) where peers harm "others through purposeful manipulation and damaging of their peer relationship".¹ These acts of meanness may be difficult to detect things because a child may attack their peer verbally and pretend it was all joke. Rachel Simmons, in her book Odd Girl Out., said that"[relational bullying] isn't just about not getting caught; half of it is looking like you'd never mistreat someone in the first place"⁴ (p. 23). It's difficult for parents and teachers to notice this form of bullying because "taking the time to address relational discord is not always as easy as yelling at a boy to remove his peer from the trash can"⁴ (pp. 34-35). There are many different manifestations of relational bullying, but a few of the more common types are listed below:

Types of Relational Bullying

1. Stonewalling: The Silent Treatment: Stonewalling (so named because of the similarity between this type of behavior and a stone wall) or the silent treatment is where people ignore one another. If two children are angry with another child, they may choose to go about their business, ignoring the other child completely. When a person is ignored, it makes them want to participate even more in what they're missing out on. This treatment is quite easily hidden from adults because the absence of talking is far less noticeable than the consistency of it-but it's not hidden from the victim. Also, children may just pretend they couldn't hear, or act oblivious to the fact that they didn’t notice a third person. Even though it's not easily noticed by those outside of the group, it's very readily noticed by the victim and very hurtful to them.
2. Exclusion from the group: Exclusion from a group is where a single member can be cut out from all activities and participation in a group. This is slightly different from the silent treatment because it goes a step further from ignoring by making sure a child knows that he or she isn’t allowed in the group. It can involve behaviors such as not saving a seat at the lunch table, or "forgetting" to send an invitation to a birthday party.
3. Spreading rumors and gossip: Rumors and gossip are the most commonly known manner in which relational bullying occurs. Children will often say things about other people, behind their backs, or even worse, within earshot. Hearing it through the grapevine can easily skew true stories, and ruin children’s reputations. Children shouldn't have to worry about their reputations, but if gossiping continues, they'll continue to worry.
4. Taunting: Taunting is another form of spoken relational bullying, but it's said to a person's face. Taunting continues and even flourishes in the face of distress. When cruel and humiliating things are said, and are pretended to be jokes, it's most likely taunting, and is something that can severely hurt a child emotionally.
5. Making friendship conditional: Finally, making friendships conditional is a common form of relational bullying. This is often noticed when the phrase, “I’ll only be your friend if..." is used. By making friendship conditional, it makes children overly cautious around their friends; those they should be most comfortable with. Conditionality in friendship may make children participate in things they otherwise wouldn't, leading to strength in peer pressure and instability in feelings of self-worth.

How Bullying Occurs

There are many different types of relational bullying that occur, but one of the biggest problems with bullying in general, is how it occurs. Dan Olweus created a diagram called “The Bullying Circle" which shows how bullying occurs in a large group of people.⁵ Although relational bullying can occur with only two children, it's far more common for a group to be keen to the relational bullying style, and to use it on others outside of the group, and even on members within the group. All group members sanction the bullying of others and there are few persons who actually are defending the victim. By involving a group, all persons, whether in support of the bullying or not, are exposed to this unhealthy interaction style, and may use it in their future relationships.

Looking at the diagram, there are several different roles that persons can play. There are four roles of persons bullying, the bully, follower, supporter, and passive supporter. These four roles vary in their levels of bullying activity, but all persons participate. The disengaged onlooker is the role of one who removes themselves from the situation. They feel that it's not their business and ignore the situation overall. There are two roles of persons who may help stop the bullying, the defender and possible defender. The defender actually takes a stance and tries to help the victim. The possible defender recognizes that the bullying shouldn't be going on and may stand up tithe bullies.

In looking at all of these different roles, it's clear that the victim most often stands alone. There is only one role of a person who will stand up for the victim and one role of a person who'll possibly help. The overall lack of support for the victim may further their feelings of sadness. The support given to the bully (or lack of opposition) encourages them and the negative impact (victim isolation) of the bullying circle continues.

Why Bullying Continues...

Relational bullying is something that is difficult for persons outside of the bullying circle to detect because of the hidden style (it's not physically obvious), but why don't children do anything about it? Why, if they're being bullied, don't they make different friends, or tell an adult? The main reason why is that children are often afraid of being alone. Being lonely as a child is often scarier than having no friends at all, even if those friends are bullies. Children are often bullied by the same people whom they call their friends and they will put up with some taunting and conditionality of a relationship, just to have friends. Even if they talk to an adult, it's often hard to figure out who is doing the bullying, because it can easily be a group of people actively or passively participating in the act.

There are a lot of ways that relational bullying occurs, but where do children learn to act relationally aggressive? Sadly, the most prominent displays of relational bullying are seen in the home. Children, either watching siblings or parents, may model the behavior they see and bring it to the playground. If relational bullying is observed in such forms as gossiping about neighbors, using the silent treatment, or making love conditional, children may interpret that type of aggression as an appropriate way to communicate and to relate to other persons. Children may also see their peers participating in this bullying, see it as successful, and decide that it’s in their favor to follow the example of their peers.

Relational bullying is obviously a very big problem, and the best thing to do about problems such as this is to prevent them, There are many different types of school interventions, but you as apparent are capable of providing your own personal prevention program:

Ways to Prevent/Repair Relational Bullying

According to the Bullying Circle - there are many different roles that a person can play within a bullying situation. Here we’ll look at the way to help stop bullying if you're a: A) Victim, B) Bully, C) Onlooker/Defender.

1. Have multiple social groups: One of the simplest prevention strategies to assist your child in avoiding the damage that comes from relational bullying is to establish multiple social circles in which your child participates. Whether your child is participating in a church youth group, a sports team, or in an art class, these different sources of social interaction allows a child to establish worth on more than a scholastic social network.
   
   1. Victim: If your child were to face relational bullying at school, their secondary social group would still be there to help them feel worthwhile. While it's always suggested to “make new friends," already having friends who aren't unkind can provide a child with a solid comparison model for appropriate relationships. They can transition to spending more time with their friends in their non-school social network until they make new ones within the school.
   2. Bully: If your child is a bully - having multiple social groups may help them recognize appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. By allowing them to have multiple areas to express themselves a child can recognize how good relationships (one's without conditions and worries) can be formed-they can then use that knowledge and establish friendships established without bullying.
   3. Onlooker/Defender: If your child feels secure in different groups, they're more likely to help those being victimized. By having more than one area to fulfill their self-esteem needs, child is more willing to stand up for others, because they already feel secure themselves.
2. Model Appropriate Behavior: Modeling appropriate behavior is probably one of the most vital things in the prevention of relational bullying. If negative behaviors in families (like gossiping and conditional love) promote negative behaviors in children, it seems that positive behaviors in families would promote positive behaviors in children. Make sure that your family has established a communication pattern of kindness and inclusion. The phrase "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is commonly used in families to teach children that kind words are the only words that should be spoken one to another. One important aspect of positive behaviors is prosocial behavior--behavior where one person helps another person, without ulterior motives. If parents are modeling pro-social behavior, then children may, by association with a real-life example, learn to use prosocial behaviors themselves (Eisenberg, Fabes, & Spinrad, 2006). Activities such as volunteering and providing service to those in need may seem simple but are wonderful ways to teach your children to act kindly towards others. By modeling the behaviors that you wish your children to have, you can be the example that they look to for help.
   
   1. Victim: If your child understands others' situation, they may be less hurt by bullying. It's also important to teach your child not to try and please everyone (over empathetic), thus making them more prone to victimization and harassment. Teach your child to understand others' situations, but also to make sure the choices they ‘remaking are positively affecting them.
   2. Bully: If your children understand how it might feel if someone was bullying them, and understand how it’s not kind to bully others, then they'll be more likely to stay away from bullying situations.
   3. Onlooker/Defender: You can promote defending those who are in need or even stand up for those in need. This isn’t to say you should tell your children to put themselves in dangerous situations to break up fights, but if you encourage empathy-then your children won't be likely to become a bully-and may stop bullying from occurring.
3. Talk to your child about empathy: Just as you should model appropriate behavior to your children, you should talk to your children about good pro-social behaviors, the most important being empathy. Empathy, or feeling and understanding another persons' situation, can be a huge deterrent to relational bullying.
   
   1. Victim: If your child understands others' situation, they may be less hurt by bullying. It's also important to teach your child not to try and please everyone (over empathetic), thus making them more prone to victimization and harassment. Teach your child to understand others' situations, but also to make sure the choices they ‘remaking are positively affecting them.
   2. Bully: If your children understand how it might feel if someone was bullying them, and understand how it’s not kind to bully others, then they'll be more likely to stay away from bullying situations.
   3. Onlooker/Defender: You can promote defending those who are in need or even stand up for those in need. This isn’t to say you should tell your children to put themselves in dangerous situations to break up fights, but if you encourage empathy-then your children won't be likely to become a bully-and may stop bullying from occurring.
4. Talk to your child about bullying: Using a direct approach and talking to your child about bullying is also an important way to help stop the bullying cycle.
   
   1. Victim: It also is a scary thought that your child might be bullied themselves. If you think that’s the case, develop a game-plan for how to deal with a bullying situation. You can come up with ideas together like walking away or ignoring the bullies. Just talk together and dependent on your situation, decide the best way to handle your child's specific bullying situation.
   2. Bully: It might be a scary thought to think that your child is bullying other people, but it is possible, and you need to make sure that your child knows that hurting other people, whether it's physical or emotional, is wrong and is unacceptable behavior. Teach them that being friends with everyone is much more fun than excluding people.
   3. Onlooker/Defender: By talking directly about bullying to your child, you can help them come up with ways to stop or avoid the act of bullying. If your child is an onlooker to bullying, they too might want to develop new friendships because the bully could turn on them or turn to them to help in the bullying of others. If it's an unhealthy relationship, try and get your child away from it.
5. Teach forgiveness: Forgiveness is a key component to breaking the cycle of relational bullying. Things like gossip, taunting, and stonewalling, usually occur because someone has held a grudge.
   
   1. Victim: Children shouldn’t put up with bullying and thinking that they shouldn't stand up for themselves because they have to simply forgive unkind behavior isn't right. But they need to know that they'll only hurt themselves if they hold grudges against others. Teach your child to stand up for themselves while still forgiving those who've hurt them.
   2. Bully: If your child or other children aren't forgiving one another, then it's easier to justify meanness. By learning how to forgive, and how to move on, children can still be friends with someone even if they were offended on a previous occasion.
   3. Onlooker/Defender: It's important for those either defending or on looking not to hold grudges against bullies. Defenders can turn into bullies if they continue to be bitter about how a bully treats others. Making sure that a defender or onlooker isn't bitter can help make it easier for a bully to change (if they so wish).
6. Developing a strong sense of self: Finally, helping your child develop a strong sense of self can be the most important factor in dealing with relational bullying.
   
   1. Victim: If your child is capable of feeling good about him or herself, then relational bullying won't be as satisfying to the bully, and the bully will most likely leave them alone. If children are confident, then they can enjoy their childhood years without the added stresses of emotional scarring. Often victims are chosen to be victimized because they seem like an easy target, while a child who's confident in themselves is a less likely target for bullying. Bullying easily destroys self-confidence, so all of the buildup you can help establish at home can help repair any damage already done.
   2. Bully: Bullies often have low self-esteem. They may bully to feel better about themselves or to improve their social status in a group. If your child feels good about themselves they won't need group approval to establish their worth-and they then won't need to bully.
   3. Onlooker/Defender: If your child is confident in themselves, they'll be more capable of standing up for those who are victimized. A person who's confident can help others become confident-so whether or not they're defending others, your child can help victims or bullies become happier with themselves through acceptance and proper friendship.

There may be extreme cases of bullying, and if you fear your child is in that situation, drastic measures might need to be taken. If the bullying your child faces is constant and vicious in nature (if it's occurring online through email or instant messaging, you may want to read these messages to see how serious it is) and the bullying is causing significant distress and impairment in your child's ability to function (possible depression and suicidal ideation), this form of bullying is considered to be severe. If the situation is happening at school, you should set up a meeting with a school advisor and go over the problem and possible solutions. Something as simple as changing classes is advisable, but changing a school may be recommended in severe cases.

Relational bullying is an important issue to address with your children. By understanding and learning more about relational bullying, you as a parent can be more capable of preventing it and repairing damage that may have already occurred. As a parent, your example is very important for displaying appropriate relationships. Remember to watch how you interact with others, and how you talk about friends and neighbors when they’re not present. Also, help your child to develop a strong sense of who they are to offset any negative feedback they receive in environments outside the family. These things will help foster a positive outlook for all children and could prevent the cycle of relational bullying from continuing.

Additional Resources

If you need more help there are plenty of sources dedicated to the prevention of relational bullying, a few are listed below:

http://www.knowledge.offordcentre.com/behaviour/b_testing.html

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html

http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/index.htm

http://mentalhealth.gov

http://www.stopbullying.gov/

https://www.security.org/resources/cyberbullying-resources-books-podcasts/

Written by Stephanie Deverich, Research Assistant, edited by David Nelson and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Crick, N. R., & Gratpeter, J. K. (1995). Relational aggression, gender, and social-psychological adjustment. Child Development, 66, 710-722.
2. Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R. A., & Spinrad, T. L. (2006). Prosocial development. Handbook of Child Psychology, 3, 646-718.
3. Nelson, D. A., Robinson, C. C., & Hart, C. H. (2005). Relational and physical aggression of preschool-aged children: peer status linkage across informants. Early Education & Development, 16, 115-140.
4. Simmons, R. (2002). Odd girl out. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Books.
5. Olweus, D., Limber, S. & Mihalic, S. F. (1999). Blueprints for violence prevention, book nine: Bullying prevention program. Boulder, CO: Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence.

Love Thy Neighbor

In Matthew 22: 39 we learn that the second greatest commandment is to "love thy neighbor as thyself." When participating in acts of emotional bullying, a child doesn't love their neighbor; they actually hurt their neighbor. As a parent, it's your job to help teach your child how to follow the commandments, and in this case, how to form relationships with other children without criticism and gossip.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton explained how the adversary tries to get us to break this commandment: "He loves to see us criticize each other, make fun or take advantage of our neighbor's known flaws, and generally pick on each other"¹ (¶ 19). But as parents, you can help teach your children to come unto Christ, and in doing this it helps “our attention turn to the welfare of our fellowman, and the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives"¹ (¶ 34).

Watch Your Words

We may encounter people who seem to always be kind or unkind, but more often than not, there are situations when a kind person can act in an unkind manner and situations where an unkind person can act in a kind manner. Situations, rather than dispositions, may determine how we behave, and how we speak of one another. In talking about the words we choose to use, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (¶13)⁴ said:

"The voice that bears profound testimony, utters fervent prayer, and sings the hymns of Zion can be the same voice that berates and criticizes, embarrasses and demeans, inflicts pain and destroys the spirit of oneself and of others in the process. 'Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing,' James grieves. 'My brethren [and sisters], these things ought not so to be.'''⁴

We have the choice to speak kindly of one another or to criticize those we associate with. From a young age, our children should be taught that our words should be used for good, and that unkind words are unacceptable.

Be the Example

Not only do we need to teach our children how to love their neighbors, we have to do the same ourselves. We are and need to be, the person that our children model themselves after. As Elder N. Eldon Tanner (¶ 48)⁵ teaches:

"As parents, we have the responsibility in our homes to guard against any of these things. Also, we must realize that every word and every act influences the thinking and attitude of the child. It is in the family that the child picks up the elementary lessons in getting along with people and the virtues of love, compassion, and concern. These lessons will have been well taught if parents can bring up their children without prejudicing them by precept or example against any other children on the grounds of color, race, religion, social status, or intellectual capacity, and if they teach them to love the Lord. I am so thankful that my parents, through their tolerance, were able to accomplish this with their children."⁵

We need to teach our children that “the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C 18:10), and we need to believe and show this ourselves. By recognizing that all of God’s children have worth, we should love them as God would. As we follow the commandment to "love thy neighbor as thyself' (Matthew 22: 39), our example and guidance will teach our children to do the same.

Find Ways to Forgive

In difficult situations such as your child being bullied by someone they thought was a friend, simply loving those who are hurting them won't resolve the situation. Although having a loving attitude can help lessen the pain felt, the best thing for your child to do is to find a different group of friends. After finding others to associate with, it’s vital for your child to forgive those who've caused them pain. Elder Marion D. Hanks related President Brigham Young's story of how to deal with a rattle snake after being bit:²

"One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it"² (¶ 26).

Just as the venom of a rattlesnake can kill a person, if your child is harboring bitterness and anger from being hurt by mean acts, these unresolved feelings can cause further emotional and spiritual damage. Forgiveness is getting the venom out of your system so that you can move on and live your life without bitterness.

Learn to Love

We must learn to love each other, and to speak kindly of one another. If others aren't acting in that manner, we must learn to forgive and forget and focus on doing our part to be kind to everyone. As President Gordon B. Hinckley (¶ 30) said, "Why do any of us have to be so mean and unkind to others? Why can't all of us reach out in friendship to everyone about us?"³

Stephen F. Duncan, a professor in the School of Family Life, tells the story of how he and his wife helped their 1st grade daughter begin to show love to someone who had treated her in a bullying way. “One day Linsey came home very upset. This time the girl had taken her backpack and hidden it. It was a special backpack because Linsey and her mother had made it together. We knew this was an important time to teach Linsey empathy and kindness, but she also needed to have the meanness stop."

"We prayed for help and felt impressed to tell Linsey that her classmate probably was not very happy. We suggested that Linsey try giving her secret treats and notes to help her feel happier and maybe even more caring. After a week or so, the girl discovered that Linsey was the source of the gifts, and she changed. The girl no longer was unkind to Linsey and even became a protector. Linsey learned that sometimes when other people behave badly, it's because they're hurting, and that often we can help them feel better."

Through our words and our example, we can teach our children to be kind, forgive others, and truly love our neighbors. If we’re able to teach them to understand and live these principles, we truly will be doing our part to help make the world a better place.

Written by Stephanie Deverich, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Ashton, M. J. (1992, May). The tongue can be a sharp sword. Ensign, 18.
2. Hanks, M. D. (1974, June). Even as Christ forgave. New Era, 4.
3. Hinckley, G. B. (2006, May). The need for greater kindness. Ensign, 58.
4. Holland, J. R. (2007, May). The tongue of angels. Ensign, 16.
5. Tanner, N. E. (1972, July). Judge not. that ye be not judged. Ensign, 34.