Parents as the First and Foremost Teachers

Parents as Teachers in the Crucial Early Years

While a child's formal education typically begins when he or she is five or six, research shows that children are being educated in important ways long before they enter a classroom. Experts say what children learn during the first few years can shape their social, emotional, moral, and intellectual development throughout their life.

What does this mean for parents? It means your children are learning important lessons in your home well before they go to school. They're learning literacy skills, social skills, emotional skills, and moral values and attitudes. How do they learn these things? From their first teachers: their parents.

Informal teaching at home has a crucial impact on a child's development. Burton White of Harvard University has studied young children for many years, and he's found that by age three children have already learned a tremendous amount. That means those first three years are vital.¹² Other researchers have confirmed his findings. White and his colleagues recommend that parents make the pre-school years a top priority for childhood education. As a result, a "call has gone out to all parents to provide learning opportunities for children in the home".⁸

Public Debate: Parents vs. Schools

Many scholars are concerned that not enough parents know how important they are as their children's first teachers.⁸ There's a lingering belief among some parents and educators that schools are primarily responsible for teaching children. Both, of course, are important. But White's studies show that learning in the home outweighs school education:

"The informal education that the family provides for their children makes more of an impact on a child's total education than the formal education system. If a family does its job well, the professional [teacher] can then provide effective training. If not, there may be little a professional can do".¹²

Although parents don't need to think of themselves as professional educators, they should realize how influential they are as their child's first teacher. Schools cannot compare to the formative influence of the home.

Putting the Research in Perspective

As important as the early years are, they don't determine a child's entire life, growth, and success. The brain doesn't shut off after age three. Learning and growth continue throughout childhood and throughout life.

Experts like John Bruer say we need to put in perspective the emphasis on the first three years. Bruer argues that some parents and educators go overboard in thinking the first three years are the only opportunity to shape a child's future. Clearly, that isn't true. And certainly, parents are not solely responsible for learning in the early years. Other influences are at work.²

Researcher H.R. Schaffer has a similar opinion. Her research shows that parents are not an all-powerful molding influence over their children. The impact of a child's early care later in life varies from case to case. Even when a child has experienced severe trauma or neglect, the effects are not irreversible.¹⁰

Bruer and Schaffer do say that studies show conclusively that the human brain is more sensitive to particular kinds of learning during certain periods.^2,10 But these sensitive periods are not written in stone. While they tend to be correlated with age, such as the first three years, other factors come into play. Some experts say that sensitivity to learning may depend on a child's maturity level as much as on his or her age. This sensitivity can depend on individual personality as much as on a parent's child-rearing style and abilities.¹⁰

So parents are not the only influence on their children, but they do have a special role. Craig Hart, professor of marriage, family, and human development at Brigham Young University, says parents are in the best position to help children nurture their inborn talents and downplay shortcomings. Children learn from their parents how to select peers and how to interact with them. And they learn how to interpret the barrage of messages from the media. Hundreds of influences impact a child's life, but the ones they heed may depend on the teachings of their parents.⁶

The early years can be an excellent time for children to learn and for moms and dads to establish healthy parenting habits. But don't despair if your children are older. The preschool years are not your only chance. Rather than focusing on a timeline, focus on creating the best learning environment for your child at every age. Tailor experiences and your parenting style to the child's individual personality and maturity level so that he or she can get the most out of every stage of childhood.

Promoting Everyday Learning

Parents don't need to be expert educators to help their children learn. Parents can do many simple things every day to create learning experiences. Often naturally occurring events can become valuable teaching tools. Plus, parents can create many other learning activities with awareness and effort.

Below are findings from experts and scholars about what children can learn in the early years and how parents can promote this learning. Preschool children can learn literacy skills, social skills, emotional skills, and moral values and attitudes that will prepare them to make the most of their potential when they enter school and throughout life.

Naturally Occurring Events

Some experts say children learn the most from everyday events such as playing, eating, getting dressed and helping around the house. A parent's job is not to be an instructor but to provide love and support as children go about their everyday activities. "'Only this element - so essential to all babies and small children - can be provided in full measure by parents.' By using loving encouragement, not pressure and demands, learning will take place normally and naturally".⁷

For example, as a child begins trying to drink from a cup instead of a bottle, parents can patiently and lovingly help him hold the cup, tip it at the right angle, and place it where it won't get spilled. They can also let him make mistakes, reacting to spills with humor and understanding. With this caring approach, the child learns how to drink from a cup, and he also learns important life lessons. For example, he learns that mistakes can be taken in stride. He learns that learning something new can be fun. And he discovers that his parents will patiently stand by him as he learns, whether he learns quickly or more slowly.

One way parents can promote natural learning is to provide a stimulating home environment. When children have many things to do, see, touch, taste, and play with, they have more opportunities for varied learning experiences. For example, a family room could include a basket of stuffed animals, a musical instrument easily reached by a child, and sturdy, child-friendly books. A lower kitchen cabinet filled with unbreakable items can become a treasure trove. A child can pull out the pots, pans, and plasticware, examine them, make noises with them, even taste them - all the while learning more than most parents might imagine.

As one researcher wrote, an eight or nine-month-old roaming, crawling, and exploring will see the living room as an exciting place, filled with interesting things that are new to him, even though an adult sees only the same old boring room.⁷

"There must be freedom within the prepared environment [for the child] to develop his physical, mental, and spiritual growth".⁷

Literacy Skills

The most powerful place for learning language is the home, where children have their first and most frequent exposure to langue. According to researchers, literacy develops through naturally occurring events in the home. By age three or four, most children can understand and use the language spoken around them. According to White, the prime time for acquiring language is from about six months to thirty-six months.^7,23 During this time, the brain is extremely active and able to pick up language skills quickly.

One of the best ways parents can encourage language development is to read aloud to their children. Research shows a child's language skill is directly related to the amount of time parents spent with the child reading picture books.^4,11 In fact, experts say reading aloud to children is the single most important activity for teaching language skills and for ensuring that children will become good readers.¹ Recently, the federal government responded to research showing the importance of reading to pre-school children by creating a program called "Mother read, Father read." It began in public libraries across the country in the spring of 2002. It is designed to help parents encourage early literacy in their children by reading to them.

Simply talking to children is another good way to help them learn and develop literacy. Studies have found that the amount of "live language" during infancy is a good indicator of later language competency. Infants who enjoyed a great deal of "live language" also became high achievers intellectually and socially. "Live language" means speaking directly to the child. Speech that a child hears from a television or from a nearby conversation is no substitute for parents talking to their child face to face.¹³

Social Skills

Some parents believe their child learns social skills from peers and that they contribute little more than genes toward personality and behavior. But according to recent studies, parenting plays a vital role in a child's social adjustment outside the home. For example, warm, responsive parenting has been linked to children's positive social behavior. Controlling parenting, on the other hand, has been linked to negative social behavior.^6,9

One research group found that mothers who are positive and responsive tend to rear children who are socially accepted by their peers.⁹ "Positive and responsive" means promoting self-esteem and social confidence in children. For example, suppose a mother hears her child's excited voice calling from the sandbox, "Mommy, come look!" A positive and responsive reaction would be to quickly go over and eagerly examine the child's sand creation. A negative reaction would be to ignore the child or to shout back, "Not now, Mommy's busy." Other positive, responsive actions would be to tell the child how proud you are of her amazing creation, play with her, or help her show off her masterpiece to Dad or others.

Children of fathers who are patient, playful, and understanding are much less likely to develop aggressive behavior.⁵ A patient father disciplines lovingly and fairly. A playful, understanding father might choose to spend his Saturday romping with the kids at the park. He eagerly hugs and comforts a child who falls down and skins a knee. Such traits in both mothers and fathers promote healthy social development and prevent anger, hostility, and resentment in children.⁶

To help your child learn social skills, "optimal" parenting is needed, not just "good enough" parenting. An important part of optimal parenting is to adjust your parenting style to best meet each child's needs. A one-size-fits-all approach is not optimal. Fine-tuning your parenting requires carefully observing each child's individual personality, strengths, and weaknesses. When you know your child intimately, you can provide the level of behavior control, discipline style, and degree of freedom that works best for that child -- all the while showing love and support.⁶

Emotional Skills

Children learn to understand and express emotions from their parents. As infants, children turn to their parents for emotional support when they feel pained or distressed. After the infant stage, children begin to notice how their parents handle their own emotions. Parents become emotional role models, teaching children about emotions by example. Children learn from their parents, for example, how to react to different events, when certain emotions are appropriate, what to call their emotions, and how to respond to the emotions of others. Parents who teach these skills tend to raise emotionally healthy and morally sensitive children.³

Preschool children need parental support to learn healthy emotional regulation. Studies show that children whose parents comfort them when sad or upset learn to have positive, healthy reactions to anger. Also, parents who openly discuss emotions tend to raise children who are aware of others' emotions and are understanding of them.⁹

Moral Values and Attitudes

Parents are the primary teachers of moral values and attitudes. In a speech at the World Congress of Families, scholar Craig Hart of Brigham Young University said: "What parents teach their children by precept and example about moral and religious values helps them make wise choices, even in the face of biological urges or peer influences that would have them do otherwise."⁵

Practical Ideas for Parents

Below are many ideas for helping parents become better first teachers to their children.

Sign Up for Parent Training

• Enroll in a parent education program in your area. Head Start and PAT (Parents as Teachers) offer good programs.

• Enroll in a child development or early childhood education class. Call your local recreation department, adult school, college, or library for class schedules.

• Practice something you learned at least once each week. Whether you attend a program or a class, come up with practical ways to apply what you're learning. Write down your ideas and put them into use with your children.

• Use daily routines as learning experiences. For example, while helping your child get dressed, teach him the names of clothing and names for parts of the body.

• When your child needs help, show him how to do it instead of doing it for him. For example, if he wants to get a toy down from a shelf, don't get it for him but bring the step stool and show him how he can reach it by himself.

• Give your child responsibility for daily tasks. Instead of telling your child what to do when it's time for bed, ask her, "What do we need to do to get ready for bed? Then let her do it.

• Make everyday events chances for your child to learn and explore. Let him help you get the mail out of the mailbox, help cook dinner, help wash the car. Things that you may find mundane and tedious are often exciting to a child.

• Take your children with you when you run errands. As you go to the bank, grocery shop, or wait in line at the post office, talk about what you're doing and what you see.

Provide a Stimulating Environment

• Give your child lots of things to play with and explore. Make sure these playthings aren't breakable and don't have potential to injure.

• Give your child as much access to the house as possible. Rather than restrict her to a small space, child-proof potential danger areas, then let her enjoy as much of the living area as possible. Make the kitchen safe and useful for her. Children learn from exploring their environment and using their senses in a variety of ways.

• For an infant, provide interesting crib toys that stimulate his senses. Look for toys that are colorful, musical, and capture his curiosity.

• For older children, look for toys designed to teach or build skills, not just entertain. For example, puzzles teach colors and shapes, matching games build memory skills, toys that involve recognizing sounds teach listening.

• Play a variety of wholesome music.

• Keep many good books in your home. You can buy books very inexpensively at used bookstores, library sales, or garage sales.

• Provide a special place for your children to keep their books. Consider getting bookshelves that your children can decorate or paint themselves.

• Have paper, crayons, and markers in your home. Encourage children to scribble, draw, or write. Display their drawings on the refrigerator or wall.

• Limit television. The less time spent in front of the TV, the more time your children will have for higher-quality learning activities.

• Avoid using between-meal snacks as a way to keep children occupied. It's tempting to use food to keep little hands occupied when you feel too busy to help them find a more productive activity. Resist the temptation.

• If you use child care outside the home, make sure it's a stimulating and positive learning environment. Check out facilities carefully. Choose only those that provide the kind of environment you want in your home.

Develop Your Child's Literacy Skills

• Begin exposing your child to books when he is an infant. Read and talk with him, even though you're doing all the talking. Ask him simple questions, such as "What's that?" Though you'll have to respond yourself ("That's right, it's a doggie!"), you're still engaging him with you and the activity.

• Designate a daily reading/story time. Make it the same time every day so your child knows when it will be and looks forward to it. Many parents have story time just before bedtime because it tends to calm children.

• Make reading as enjoyable as possible. Let her choose the book. Point to pictures and talk about them with her. Let her turn the pages and/or hold the book while you read. Don't worry if you can't finish a whole book in one sitting.

• Make reading as interactive as possible. Ask your child questions using who, what, where, when, why. Avoid yes or no questions. Listen to your child's response. Try repeating it back to her to show your interest and confirm her answer. Praise and encourage her.

• Read storybooks without any words. Make up the story yourself as you look at the pictures together.

• Let your child read you a storybook. Even if he can't read the words, he will enjoy making up a story and telling it to you.

• Take your child to a public library or bookstore with a large children's section. Help him get his own library card. Help him pick out books to read together. Attend story time.

• Make up activities to go with your child's favorite storybooks. For example, when you read If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, (Laura Numeroff, 1985) make chocolate chip cookies together. When you read Ruth Krauss' The Carrot Seed, buy seeds and help her plant her first garden.

• Create a simple book for your child. Use an old folder for the cover or bind pages with string or staples. Write anecdotes about her. Include pictures of her. The book will become a keepsake she will treasure.

• As a child grows older, involve her more and more in reading. Read longer and longer stretches of a book without interruption. Gradually ask more complex questions. Have her tell you about the story or "read" it using her own words. Gradually shift more and more responsibility for story time onto your child.

Develop Your Child's Social Skills

• Engage in "conversation" with infants. Talk and make soft, peaceful noises to him. Pay attention to the way he tries to "converse" with you through body movements, glances, and facial expressions.

• Converse with your older child each day. Talk to him while driving in the car, while pushing your cart down the shopping aisle, or while sitting at the dinner table. Ask him to tell you about something that happened to him that day. Some experts say that a child hearing a caring adult express interest in him and in what he's doing is the most beneficial social interaction a child can experience. Focused attention encourages positive self-esteem and social skill development.

• Arrange play dates for your preschool child. When you take your preschooler to the park, offer to take a friend or co-worker's child with you. Arrange to take turns watching each other's children for a few hours and letting the children play together.

• Show your children you support them. Praise them when they accomplish something, even something small. Help them when they want to do something, even if it's just to build a castle in the sandbox. Studies link parental support to healthy social behavior.

• If you're employed, make an extra effort to be fun, playful, and positive with your children. Make time before or after work or on the weekends to play with your children. Plan special activities and outings with them. This effort is especially important for fathers employed full-time. Studies show that children whose fathers make positive connections with them are less likely to show aggressive or troublesome social behavior.

• Be responsive to your child. When your child has something to show you, don't brush her off with "Not now, dear, Daddy's busy." Show her you are as interested and excited as she is. When she has a question, a story, or just needs your attention, respond. Warm, responsive parenting has been shown to prevent hostility and anger in children.

• Tell your children stories. Stories don't have to be complex or literary. For example, tell your child a story about something you did when you were a child.

• Play a question game. Ask fun questions, such as: "If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you be?" "If you could go anywhere for vacation, where would you go?"

Develop Your Child's Emotional Skills

• Ask your children questions on a daily basis. "How do you feel about that?" "Why do you think that happened?" Listen attentively to what they say. They will appreciate that you care about their feelings.

• Make paper masks of different emotions. Masks can be as simple as paper plates with happy and sad faces drawn on them. To make the masks wearable, cut holes for eyes and noses and attach string or elastic to the back. Make them as creative and elaborate as you like. Add them to your child's toys or dress-up clothes. (When your first make them, you may want to play masks with your children, trying on different ones and acting as if you are happy, sad, etc., so they understand how to use a mask.)

• Have your child draw pictures of how they feel. For example, next time your child is sad, ask him to draw a picture of how he feels. When he's finished, you can talk with him about the situation. Ask him questions such as, "What is this a picture of?" and "Why does your picture look like this?" Talking about his feelings will help him calm down.

• Respond to your children's emotions. When your children are disappointed, sympathize with them and comfort them. When they're excited, be excited with them. They learn how to respond to other's emotions by the way you respond to them.

Teach the Value of Work

• Start providing simple tasks to children at an early age. Begin by having your child put away his own toys. Help him at first so the task is not overwhelming.

• Let your children help you with chores. You may be surprised at the fun children find in daily chores that you have long since tired of.

• Bring toys into your home that incorporate work and play. For example, buy your toddler a toy broom. He may enjoy play-sweeping so much that in a few years he won't mind sweeping the patio.

• Encourage and praise your child when he completes a task. Give him a hug and say thank you. Tell him what a great job he did.

• Create a chore chart. Include your children's names and the days of the week or month. Buy fun stickers and put one on the chart next to a child's name each time he completes a chore. Make a goal of a certain number of chores. When his stickers add up to the goal, give him a special surprise or do something to celebrate. (You can create many variations on this idea. For example, use jellybeans in a jar to count completed chores. Or draw a giant thermometer and let your child color in ten degrees as he completes each chore.)

• Leave room for failure. If your child fails to complete a chore or doesn't do a perfect job, don't berate or embarrass her. Perfectly stacking the blocks is not as important as learning to take responsibility for putting them away.

Websites for Parents

The following three excellent websites provide further information to help parents teach their children. http://iamyourchild.comhttp://www.zerotothree.org

Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, and edited by Craig H. Hart and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Anderson, R. C., Hiebert, E. H., Scott, J. A., & Wilkinson, I. A. G. (1985). Becoming a nation of readers: The report of the Commission on Reading. Champaign, IL: Center for the Study of Reading.
2. Bruer, J. T. (1999). The myth of the first three years: A new understanding of early brain development and lifelong learning. New York: Free Press.
3. Denham, S., von Salschich, M., Olthof, T., Kochanoff, A. & Caverly, S. (2002). Emotional and social development in childhood. In P. K. Smith & C. H. Hart (Eds.), Blackwell handbook of childhood social development (pp. 307-328). Malden, MA: Blackwell.
4. Greaney, V. (1986). Parental influences on reading. The Reading Teacher, 39, 813-18.
5. Hart, C. H. (1999). Combating the myth that parents don't matter. Geneva, Switzerland: speech prepared for presentation at the World Congress of Families II (Elongated Paper Version).
6. Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D. & Olsen, S. F. (2003). Parenting skills and social/communicative competence in childhood. In J. O. Greene & B. R. Burleson (Eds.), Handbook of communication and social interaction skills (pp. 753-800). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
7. Lall, G. R. & Lall, B. M. (1983). Ways children learn. Springfield, IL: Charles C. Thomas.
8. Larsen, J. M. & Haupt, J. H. (1997). Integrating home and school: Building a partnership. In C. H. Hart, R. Charlesworth & D. C. Burts (Eds.), Integrated curriculum and developmentally appropriate practice birth to age eight (pp. 389-415). Albany, NY: SUNY.
9. Parke, R. D., Simpkins, S. D., McDowell, D. J., Kim, M., Killian, C., Dennis, J., Flyr, M. L. Wild, M. & Rah, Y. (2002). Relative contributions of families and peers to children's social development. In P. K. Smith & C. H. Hart (Eds.), Blackwell handbook of childhood social development (pp. 156-177). Malden, MA: Blackwell.
10. Schaffer, H. R. (2000). The early experience assumption: Past, present, and future. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 24(1), 5-14.
11. Strickland, D. S., & Morrow, L. M. (Eds). (1989). Emerging literacy: Young children learn to read and write. Newark, DE: International Reading Association.
12. White, B. L. (1990). The first three years of life. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
13. White, B. L., Kaban, B. & Attanucci, J. (1979). The origins of human competence: The final report of the Harvard preschool project. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books.

Parents have a sacred responsibility to teach their children. The scriptures have taught this important principle from the very beginning. Father Adam and Mother Eve were the first parents to teach their children to walk in the paths of righteousness.

The prophet Isaiah counseled followers that "all thy children shall be taught of the Lord" (Isaiah 54:13). Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar, loved little children and called them to him. New Testament writers warned of perilous times to come when we would need to teach our children, in the spirit of love, to withstand all evil. Finally, John the Beloved wrote that we will have no greater joy in this life than to see our children walk in righteousness, as we have taught them (1 John 1:4).

In recent years, prophets and leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have re-emphasized the sacred responsibility of parents to teach their children. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that "parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness . . . to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live" (¶ 6).

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said: "In the Lord's great plan of salvation there are no more important teachers than parents, who teach their children constantly by example and by precept".³

Jesus Loved the Little Children

Little children are beloved and adored by the Lord. He showed us his love for children when answering a simple question from his disciples: "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"

And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me" (Matthew 18:1-5).

Elder Boyd K. Packer reminded us that all who consider themselves followers of Christ are commanded to be "even as he is" (1 John 3:7), and He was a teacher of children.⁴ He commanded his disciples at Jerusalem to "suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:14).

Teaching Children in Perilous Times

Paul prophesied of wicked and corrupt forces that would lead the children of men away from the gospel. He prophesied that "in the last days perilous times shall come" (2 Timothy 3:1) and that "evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived" (2 Timothy 3:13). Fortunately, as Elder Boyd K. Packer taught, we can be safe.⁴ Our safety is in teaching the children, by example and by precept. "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). Of course, children have agency and some may choose not to follow what they're taught, no matter how diligent parents may be. We may despair when, after all we can do, one or more of our children go astray. In such situations, the words of Orson F. Whitney should bring us great comfort: "Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother's and] father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [our] careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see salvation of God."⁵

Teaching in the Spirit of Love

The scriptures tell us to teach our children in the spirit of love. Christ himself declared, "Whoso shall offend one of these little ones. . . it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matthew 18:6).

Paul wrote to the Ephesians: "And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). Remember the ancient proverb, "a soft answer turneth away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1).

The Joy of Teaching

Teaching children is often not easy. For some parents it is the the greatest challenge of their lives. But it is not without rewards. President James E. Faust said, "While few human challenges are greater than that of being good parents, few opportunities offer greater potential for joy. Surely no more important work is to be done in this world than preparing our children to be God-fearing, happy, honorable, and productive. Parents will find no more fulfilling happiness than to have their children honor them and their teachings".¹

President Gordon B. Hinckley urged parents everywhere to teach their children well, that they may someday be able to echo the words of John: "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth".²

References

1. Faust, J. E. (1990, November). The greatest challenge in the world-good parenting. Ensign, 32-35.
2. Hinckley G. B. (1985, June). The environment of our homes. Ensign, 3-6.
3. Oaks, D. H. (1999, November). Gospel teaching. Ensign, 78-80.
4. Packer, B. K. (2000, February). Teach the children. Ensign, 10-17.
5. Whitney, O. F. (1929, April). Conference Report, 110.