Moving Ahead After Divorce as an Adult

Divorce is pervasive in American society, with tens of thousands of people filing for divorce each year. Many people, whether divorce was their choice or their spouse's, are now finding themselves divorced.

Divorce affects every aspect of a person's life - where you live, the friends you spend time with, your health, your career or education decisions, finances, and future life plans. Divorce also affects the people around you. If you have children, the adjustment will involve them and will be more complex.

Almost no one plans for divorce, so they find themselves caught off guard and unprepared. The changes after divorce are so pervasive and so profound that most people find the adjustment very challenging.

Different Views About Divorce

According to Paul Amato of Pennsylvania State University, researchers look at divorce in two ways.¹ Some see the two-parent family as the fundamental institution of society and its breakdown as leading to many social problems. They come from a traditional view that a marriage must be preserved no matter how unhappy it makes the two people trapped inside it.⁶ Other scholars believe adults find fulfillment and children develop successfully in a variety of family structures. They argue that divorce can represent a second chance for happiness for adults and an escape from a dysfunctional home environment for children.

A faith-based view holds that marriage is ordained of God, and a happy marriage is what one should hope and work for. A two-parent family has many benefits that cannot be found in a single-parent family. But in some cases, a marriage is so damaging to one or both of the spouses and their children that divorce is necessary. These cases usually involve abuse, infidelity, addiction, or other destructive behaviors.

Much of the current writing on divorce, both popular and academic, has focused on the negative effects of divorce and ignored its sometimes positive effects. Although divorce carries with it much heartache, researchers are discovering that there can be positive effects as well. Duffy, Thomas, and Trayner studied women's reflections on their divorces ten years earlier and found that they assessed their lives overall positively.⁴ In her book, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia presents the more positive view. She studied the impact of divorce on people over a span of forty years and concluded: "I have seen divorce provide many women and girls, in particular, with a remarkable opportunity for life-transforming personal growth".⁶

Adjusting to Divorce

As with any other trial in life, people either can become bitter or angry or they can learn from the experience and continue with a positive outlook on life. Divorce can be either devastating or liberating, depending on how people handle it. Chella of State University of New York at Buffalo studied educators who experienced divorce that was not their choice.² She found that some of the educators were able to maintain their work performance and even improve while others experienced debilitating effects.

Hetherington describes six different patterns of how people adjust to divorce:

• Enhancers: These individuals flourish because of the things that happened to them before and after the divorce, not despite them. Talents and skills that would have remained undiscovered if they had stayed in the marriage are fostered by the urgent need to overcome the challenges of divorce and single parenthood.

• Competent Loners: They build a meaningful and happy life without marriage or a lifelong companion.

• Good Enoughs: For them, divorce was like a speed bump in the road. It caused tumult in the short term but failed to leave a lasting impression--either positive or negative. They cycle through marriages and partners but resist insight and continue to experience the same relationship problems.

• Seekers: They want to marry quickly after being divorced. Being alone makes them desperately unhappy and clinically depressed. They're more inclined to abuse alcohol or other substances.

• Libertines: These divorcees relish their new freedom and use it with abandon. By the end of the first year after a divorce, many of them find life empty and pointless.

• The Defeated: These individuals succumb to depression and a sense of purposelessness. They often remain embittered over the life they have lost.⁶

Sakraida found differences in how people coped with divorce depending on whether they initiated the divorce, did not initiate it, or if it was a mutual decision.⁸ Initiators experienced more self-focused growth while non-initiators turned more to spiritual comfort.

McKelvey explored cultural variations by looking at the different strengths of both black and white families in coping with divorce.⁷ Black mothers received greater formal support after divorce while white mothers began dating earlier than black mothers.

Dreman believes an individual's reaction to divorce is influenced by individual variables, such as temperament, sex, and age.³ These factors affect the individual's cognitive understanding, vulnerability, and psychological capacity to cope with the trauma of divorce.

In the end, the way a person deals with a divorce is up to him or her. Although a person may not have brought the situation on himself, he can decide how to handle it. Hetherington states that "the direction of change is never predetermined. After a divorce, to a great extent individuals influence their own destiny".⁶

In her research, Chella found that the individuals she studied had control over the coping strategies they chose. Although they could not control many events in their lives, they could choose how they dealt with those events.²

Practical Strategies for Adjustment

Two ways a person can deal with divorce positively are (1) to heal and (2) to move on.

Healing From the Pain of Divorce

• Give yourself time. For most adults divorce is a very stressful and painful experience, according to Dr. Stephen Duncan of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.⁵ Deep wounds accompany divorce, and you need to give those wounds time to heal. Unlike death, divorce does not provide a sense of closure. The unresolved issues of divorce often retain their emotional sting, especially if you still see the other person.⁶ During the first year of divorce, it's normal to experience mood swings, vulnerability to psychological disorders, and increased physical illness. All are usually temporary and subside with time (Hetherington). Recognize what you have been through and give yourself time to grieve and heal. Be patient with yourself. You don't have to be completely fine right away.

• Surround yourself with supportive people. Duncan suggests talking with others about your feelings, especially people who have been in your situation.⁵ Family members, friends, and other acquaintances can be a great source of strength. If your social ties change after divorce, which is often the case, don't dwell on the loneliness of losing some friends but make an extra effort to get to know new people.

Yang of the Catholic University of America studied the post-divorce adjustment of middle-aged women in Korea and found that social support was strongly related to all areas of healthy adjustment.⁹ The effects of such a support group can radiate to many aspects of your life.

Hetherington describes the human need to feel loved and valued.⁶ A close relationship is, as the sociologist Christopher Lasch once said of the family, "a haven in a heartless world" (quoted in Hetherington, p. 55). Having strong relationships with people provides an anchor and protection against adversity. Hetherington (2002) continues, "Often as I watched depressed and lonely adults turning to psychotherapy for help, I thought, If only you could meet someone who loved and appreciated you, that would be the best therapy you could have" (p. 55). Seek the companionship of those who truly love and support you.

Moving on After Divorce

• Take care of yourself. During and after divorce can be a time of great stress. Your body may be much more susceptible to getting sick.⁶ It's important to make an extra effort to take care of yourself. Duncan suggests exercising regularly, eating nutritious meals, and getting enough rest.⁵ It should be noted that some people's health improves after divorce, particularly women who have exited distant or hostile marriages.⁶

• Get involved. Find activities that you enjoy doing and do them. Choose things that give meaning to your life. Learning to do something new is always an exhilarating and positive experience.

• Help others. Hetherington reports that many people she studied described an emotional lift when they helped others. Giving of yourself takes the focus off you and gives you a break from thinking about your problems.⁶

• Build new relationships. After getting divorced, many people isolate themselves. With the feeling of rejection that often accompanies divorce, some find it hard to seek new relationships. After you've taken the time to heal and to evaluate what didn't work the first time, it's important to move on. You might want only casual acquaintances for awhile or you might seek serious romantic relationships.

As you re-enter a full social life, don't seek a marriage to fulfill your emotional wounds. And don't rush into another marriage just because you feel you're in love with someone. Hetherington says, "Romantic love is a temporary glue. Marriages that last are marriages built on a fund of respect, liking, support, and mutual interests".⁶

• Make the most of change. During the first two years after a divorce, a time commonly called the "crisis period," change--often dramatic change--becomes a way of life. You might be living in a new place, working at a new job, making new friends, and coping with single parenting. Experiencing so many changes at once is extremely stressful. How you manage this stress will determine if your post-divorce future is better and happier, the same, or worse than your post-divorce past.⁶ Hetherington says: "Most pathways out of divorce begin with a combination of openness to change--a willingness to try something unthinkable in other circumstances--and raw, aching need. These elements, which rarely coalesce at other points in life, come together quite frequently in the crisis years".⁶

She also describes how things previously thought unimaginable, like moving in with your mother to ease financial stress, become very imaginable. If you're open to change and embrace new opportunities, you're more likely to find wonderful things in your life. Many people find talents they never knew they had or try things they never dreamed of trying. As people embrace this window of change, they don't just talk about making a better life, they work and sacrifice to make it happen. Hetherington cites people who went back to school or moved in with parents while they adjusted in an effort to improve their situations in life. These "successful changers" found that the discoveries they made provided a basis for a new identity; they began to think of themselves as competent, effective human beings.

Summary

Although divorce can completely change a person's life, the changes do not all have to be negative. Hetherington states that "until a crisis like divorce suddenly makes just getting through the day a tremendous challenge, most men and women don't know how deep their emotional and intellectual reserves go or what talents and skills lie hidden in them".⁶

If a person consciously tries to make the best of the situation, many positive things can come from the divorce. As you take time to heal and then do all you can to move on, you will find you can live a happy and fulfilling life, even though it has taken a path different than you imagined.

Your life might even turn out better, as described by author Sara Lewis:

Life is like writing a novel: you set off in a certain direction and then end up somewhere else altogether. Upon arrival at the surprise destination, you think, "If only I'd known then what I know now, this is where I would have been going in the first place. This is where I belong."

Written by Sarah Taylor, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Amato, P. R. (2001). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. In R. M. Milardo (Ed.), Understanding families into the new millennium: A decade in review (pp. 488-506). Lawrence, KS: National Council on Family Relations.
2. Chella, C. R. (2000). Dissertation Abstracts International Section A: Humanities & Social Sciences, Vol. 60 (12-A) (pp. 4376). United States: University Microfilms International.
3. Dreman, S. (1999). The experience of divorce and separation in the family: A dynamic systems perspective. In E. Frydenberg (Ed.), Learning to cope: Developing as a person in complex societies (pp. 150-171).
4. Duffy, M. E., Thomas, C., & Trayner, C. (2002). Women's reflections on divorce: 10 years later. Health Care for Women International, 23 (6-7), 550-560.
5. Duncan, S. F. (1999). Families facing divorce. Bozeman, MT: Montana State University Extension Service.
6. Hetherington, E. M. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
7. McKelvey, M. W. (2000). The psychosocial well-being of black and white mothers following marital dissolution. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 24, 4-14.
8. Sakraida, T. J. (2002). Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences & Engineering, Vol. 62 (12-B) (pp.5646). United States: University Microfilms International.
9. Yang, S. Y. (2000). Dissertation Abstracts International Section A: Humanities & Social Sciences, Vol. 60 (9-A) (pp. 3531). United States: University Microfilms International.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" (¶ 7).

Since marriage is such an important part of God's plan for our happiness, the Church emphasizes it in many ways. Children are taught almost from birth the importance of preparing for a temple marriage. A happy marriage is the ideal that one hopes and strives for.

But under certain circumstances, a marriage can be very damaging to one or both spouses or their children. In some cases, especially those that involve abuse, infidelity, or addictions, divorce provides a safer and healthier environment. President James E. Faust said the following about justified divorce:

Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered "just cause" for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is "just cause." Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, "just cause" should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.³

Most Church members take their marriage covenants very seriously. So when a marriage is no longer safe physically, emotionally, or spiritually, it can be difficult to even consider divorce. By the time a person decides divorce is unavoidable, "damage to a person's self-worth usually is extensive and a sense of failure and of worthlessness prevails".¹

After a divorce, many people find it hard to move on with their lives. It's so ingrained that marriage is the ideal, that when their marriage ends they may be deeply distressed and mystified about what to do next. Although it may seem that life can't possibly go on, somehow it does. While serving as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, then Elder Faust said:

The traumatic experience one goes through in divorce seems little understood and not well enough appreciated; and certainly there needs to be much more sympathy and understanding for those who have experienced this great tragedy and whose lives cannot be reversed. For those who are divorced, there is still much to be hoped for and expected in terms of fulfillment and happiness in life, in the forgetting of self and in the rendering of service to others.²

Healing from the Pain of Divorce

With every divorce comes pain and heartache. Whether suffering because of one's own sins or the sins or actions of others, everyone touched by divorce needs healing. The ultimate source of healing is the Savior. According to President Faust:

The Atonement not only benefits the sinner but also benefits those sinned against--that is, the victims. By forgiving "those who trespass against us" (JST Matt 6:13) the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort to those who have been innocently victimized by the sins of others. The basic source for healing of the soul is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.⁴

Since the Atonement is infinite and eternal (see Alma 14), it covers all of the sufferings of mankind, whether caused by sin or not. Because Jesus Christ suffered every possible pain, he knows and understands any pain that anyone may feel. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:

Revealed truths reassure us that we are enclosed in divine empathy. . . . Jesus' perfect empathy was ensured when, along with His Atonement for our sins, He took upon Himself our sicknesses, sorrows, griefs, and infirmities and came to know these "according to the flesh" (Alma 7:11-12). He did this in order that He might be filled with perfect, personal mercy and empathy and thereby know how to succor us in our infirmities. He thus fully comprehends human suffering. Truly Christ "descended below all things, in that He comprehended all things" (D&C 88:6).⁸

A Divine Plan

Most people have an idea in their minds of what they hope their lives will be like. When life turns out different from that idea, often they think they must have done something wrong. But if they're doing all they can to be obedient to the commandments of God, they can trust that whatever is happening to them is somehow for their benefit, even if they can't immediately see it or understand it. Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children, and he wants them to be happy.

Joseph Smith was taught this lesson while a prisoner at Liberty Jail. Section 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants states:

If thou art called to pass through tribulation. . . if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thy enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and they years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever (vs. 5-9).

Because mortality limits our vision, we can't see God's divine plan for our lives or where our experiences will ultimately lead us. In D&C 58:3-4, the Lord teaches:

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

A Hope for Better Things to Come

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland describes the hopelessness that many people feel upon being divorced -- and the hope they can find in the Savior:

Every one of us has times when we need to know that things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as "hope for a better world." For emotional and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of "good things to come".⁷

If you're going through a divorce or trying to move on after a divorce, you might be feeling like you can never be happy again. Elder Holland (1999) continues with these comforting words:

My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the "light that is endless, that can never be darkened." It is the very Son of God Himself. . . . To any who may be struggling to see that light and find hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His "more excellent ministry" with a future of "better promises." He is your "high priest of good things to come" (¶ 3, emphasis added).

Maintaining an eternal perspective can help us keep going even when life seems unbearable. Elder Holland describes how Jesus Christ was able to endure and finish his unbearable mission:

Because Christ's eyes were unfailingly fixed on the future, He could endure all that was required of Him, suffer as no man can suffer except it be "unto death," as King Benjamin said, look upon the wreckage of individual lives and the promises of ancient Israel lying in ruins around Him and still say then and now, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." How could He do this? How could He believe it? Because He knows that for the faithful, things will be made right soon enough. He is a King; he speaks for the crown; He knows what can be promised.⁷

Divorce, as with any other trial in life, can be a refining experience that helps individuals move toward becoming the person God wants them to be. Elder Richard G. Scott said:

Trials, disappointments, sadness, and heartache come to us from two basically different sources. Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges. The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord's own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing. . . . [Some trials] are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. Life was never intended to be easy. Rather, it is a period of proving and growth. It is interwoven with difficulties, challenges, and burdens. . . . Yet these very forces, if squarely faced, provide an opportunity for tremendous personal growth and development. The conquering of adversity produces strength of character, forges self-confidence, engenders self-respect, and assures success in righteous endeavors.⁹

Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone of the Quorum of the Seventy describes the happiness that can follow suffering:

Yes, we will all have our personal Gethsemane-type experiences, but that is okay. It is what life is all about. Along with the problems that drive you to Gethsemane, there will be mountain peaks of joy that will compensate for every moment of innocent suffering. If you are faithful, the time will come when you will have merited this--that I promise.⁵

Although moving on after a divorce may seem an insurmountable task, relying on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and trusting in his promises for a better future make it possible. President Gordon B. Hinckley counseled:

Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life and look for its opportunities. . . . Of course there will be some problems along the way. There will be difficulties to overcome. But they will not last forever. He will not forsake you. Look to the positive. Know that He is watching over you, that He hears your prayers and will answer them, that He loves you and will make that love manifest. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in all that you do...You can do it. You will have friends and loved ones to help. And God will bless you as you pursue your course.⁶

Written by Sarah Taylor, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Adams, L. (2000). Moving forward after divorce. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the Family (pp. 239-241). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
2. Faust, J. E. (1977, November). The enriching of marriage. Ensign, 9.
3. Faust, J. E. (1993, May). Father come home. Ensign, 35. R
4. Faust, J. E. (2001, November). The Atonement: Our greatest hope. Ensign, 18.
5. Featherstone, V. J. (2001, February) Things too wonderful for me. Devotional address at Brigham Young University, February 13, 2001.
6. Hinckley , G. B. (2001, May). How can I become the woman of whom I dream? Ensign, 93.
7. Holland , J. R. (1999, November). An high priest of good things to come. Ensign, 36.
8. Maxwell, N. A. (1997, April). Enduring well. Ensign, 7.
9. Scott, R. G. (1981, November). The plan for happiness and exaltation. Ensign, 11.