Marriage Readiness: Packing for Beyond the Honeymoon

When you and your beloved decide to get married, excitement about your new life might overshadow considerations that can powerfully shape your future together. Before you start packing for your honeymoon, it's a good idea to evaluate whether you're adequately "packed" for your marriage.

Overview

The Family: A Proclamation to the World emphasizes the sacred responsibility of spouses to love and care for one another and their children. Providing that love and care isn't always easy, and it's critical that you are ready for your new roles.

All of us were educated about marriage through our families of origin, for better and worse. Whether your upbringing was healthy or not so healthy, there's always room for improvement. This article discusses ways you can pack your marital bag with skills that will help you create a successful marriage.

Personality and Temperament

Each partner brings into marriage his or her personality and temperament. According to Jeffry Larson¹⁹, the following personality traits suggest a person is ready for marriage and can create a satisfying relationship:

• Extroversion. Extroverts enjoy being around other people and are usually assertive, active, talkative, cheerful, upbeat, energetic, and optimistic.

• Flexibility. Flexible people find it easier to compromise than those who are rigidly set on certain ideas and ways of behaving.

• Assertiveness. Assertive people openly express their thoughts, feelings, and needs.

On the other hand, traits like the ones below point to marriage "un-readiness" and often lead to marriage dissatisfaction²⁰.

• Anxiety. "Worry warts" often become critical of their partners, which damages the relationship.

• Anger and Hostility. These qualities also result in criticism and conflict.

• Depression. Those who are chronically depressed often become avoidant and may isolate themselves from their spouse.

• Impulsivity. Although spontaneity can be fun, frequent indulgence in impulses often means irresponsibility with money and the resulting marital conflict.

We're all anxious, angry, depressed, or impulsive on occasion, but if you're behaving in any of these ways most of the time, you'll have a tough time building a strong marriage.²⁰ The good news is that people can change. The first step is self-awareness. To assess your personality traits, take the RELATE questionnaire (www.relate-institute.org) or the Big Five inventory (http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/). Although these questionnaires take time and effort, they will help you and your marriage in the long run.

Some the traits on Larson's list can't be changed, at least not very much, so it's also helpful to know yourself well enough to explain why you’re the way you are to others. Understanding your personality quirks and those of your partner will help you to be more forgiving and more patient. Once you each have this awareness, it's easier to learn ways to accept one another’s quirks and live with them contently. Couples who don't try to change one another and instead accept each other's idiosyncrasies tend to have happier marriages.⁹

The Culture of Your Native Land -- Your Family

When entering a new country you have to pass through Customs, where officers check your bags for items that threaten the safety of others, such as bombs, knives, or drugs. Before getting married, it is important to check your bags for items from your native land -- your family of origin -- that could cause problems in your new relationship and future family. A first step is to become aware of what you learned while growing up soya can decide which beliefs and behaviors you want to bring to your marriage.

• How did your family deal with conflict? What is your conflict style? Do you avoid or confront conflict?

• How did your family solve problems? How do you solve problems? Do you like to figure out problems on your own, or do you prefer to work things out with others as a team?

• What was your parents' relationship like? Did they fight often? Did they divorce? If yes, did they remarry?

• Did violence (physical, emotional, or sexual) or drug abuse occur in your family?

• What was your relationship like with your mother? Your father? Your siblings?

• Did your family experience any significant stressful events while you were growing up, such as a death, divorce, disablement, or extended unemployment?

• Was your family religious? If so, what religion? What is your religion?

If you come from a family of divorce, high conflict, or abuse, you might be afraid that you're destined to behave in the same ways. But you aren't.²⁰ Although family background contributes to your marriage readiness, you have a choice of what to pack in your bag and take with you. You can leave negative features of your family behind and make healthier choices.⁵ To learn more about how to do this, read the article, Becoming a Transitional Character: Changing Your Family Culture, found at this website.

Evaluating Your Attachment Style

Research shows that the type of attachment -- or bond -- that you have with your parents will greatly determine the type of attachment you will have with your romantic partner.^{1, 2, 13} Early experiences with your parents in particulate create expectations about how you think others should act towards you in relationships.

Researchers have identified three types of attachment: avoidant, anxious, and secure.^{1, 2, 13}

• Those with avoidant attachments are often extremely independent and might avoid intimacy.¹³

• Those with anxious attachments may seem preoccupied with their relationships and can be very demanding.

• Those with secure attachments can confidently try new things and initiate warm relationships with others.

Are you mostly avoidant, anxious, or secure in your attachments? To improve your ability to connect to others in healthy ways, see the "Bids for Connection" section below or the article Staying Connected with Each Other, found at this website. To learn more about the effects of your early attachment on your romantic relationships, see the expanded version of Bonding with Your Infant, also at this website.

Checking Your ID -- Identity and Self-Worth

When you travel, you need proper identification. Just as a passport lets you to travel to other countries, feeling secure about yourself makes it possible to successfully travel into other people's worlds. Having a secure sense of who you are helps you be more accommodating, more forgiving, and more able to reconcile after conflict.¹⁸

Without a secure sense of self it will be difficult for you to act benevolently toward others and therefore it will be difficult to build good relationships. "Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue".¹⁸

Though growing up in imperfect families can both help and harm your sense of self-worth, your inherent worthies based on your divine heritage. The Family Proclamation reminds us that "all human beings male and female| are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of Heavenly Parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny." So, while your worth is absolute and can never be destroyed or diminished¹⁰, your family history can influence your sense of self-worth.⁸

Dr. Jeffry Larson²⁰ illustrates this principle in his book Should We Stay Together? A client of his grew up with a mother who was too depressed and irritable to give her daughter proper affection. The client grew up thinking her mother hated her and came to believe that she deserved to be hated. She in turn hated herself, and her feelings of low self-worth made it difficult for her to bond with her husband. She couldn't see the positive in herself that he saw in her.

Researcher L'Abate¹⁹ says that when you’re emotionally healthy, you believe that your needs and worth are as important as someone else's. You're willing to sacrifice for others, but you're not willing to be taken advantage of, and you don't completely forget your own needs - you just put them on the back burner.¹⁹ For example, if you were asked to help a friend move on the same day that you had deadline for a project, you might decline to help or you might offer an amount of time that still allows you enough time to finish your project.

Here are suggestions for improving your sense of self-worth:

• Pray to perceive God's love for you and the value and potential he sees in you.

• Read The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, who explains how to change thought processes that can harm self-worth.

• See a counselor.

Checking Your Capacity to Love -- Other Centeredness and Virtue

Getting married is the end of your days flying solo. If you haven't learned how to take others' needs into consideration, your marriage will suffer.¹² The ability to be "other centered" sustains long-term commitment and encourages generous and forgiving behaviors toward your partner.⁸

Researchers have found that even if you're a great communicator, you won't be able to build a happy marriage iffy don't know how to show love affection, humor, and interest.³ One study found that couples with negative and positive communication skills were equally satisfied as long as they showed each other plenty of affection, love, humor, and interest.³ As one researcher put it, "The emotional climate of marriage matters.... If spouses have a reservoir of good will and they show their affection regularly, they are far more likely to be able to work through their differences".¹⁷

We often think of "virtue" narrowly, but marriage researchers think of it as a broad way of being that includes goodness, kindness, and loyalty. Although some of us seem to come by virtue naturally, all of us can learn to be more virtuous. Research Blaine Fowers says that "you must learn to love what is good; the desire to become a better person will follow naturally".¹²

Fowers describes four "virtues” that are critical to developing your ability to be other-centered -- friendship, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.

The Virtue of Friendship

Fowers says that the kind of friendship needed for marriage is "character friendship".¹² People in a character friendship recognize each other's good qualities and pursue shared goals. Here are some ways that you can build a character friendship:

• Find common ground. Friends think of themselves as partners on the same team who face problems together, even problems with their relationship. When you have a disagreement with a friend, do you fight for the relationship and work together to find the best solution? Is the friendship more important to you than winning the argument?

• Do things together. A deep friendship emerges from sharing interests, activities, and values. What things do you like to do with your friends? Do you take the time to do them together? Or are you only in the friendship for what you can get out of it?

For more ideas on cultivating friendship in marriage, see the article, Nurturing Friendship in Marriage, at this website.

The Virtue of Loyalty

No matter how strong your friendship is, the rigors of marriage will still require that you develop loyalty. The bond of loyalty is what holds marriages, friendships, and families together through the tough times. This bond is made up of "hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years".¹² Those threads are life experience -- good, bad, happy, sad, and ordinary.

Loyalty has three components: feelings, thoughts, and actions.¹² Here are some ways you can cultivate loyalty to friends, family members, and your future spouse:

• Keep Secrets. Can your friends and family trust you to keep their confidences? To build true intimacy in marriage, both partners need to feel safe to share their innermost feelings and fears.

• Keep Appointments. Can others depend on you to be there for them? Or are you flaky and undependable?

The Virtue of Generosity

Both partners in a marriage will make mistakes, and generosity can help repair them. Fowers says, "Generosity is the ability to see the best in your partner and to recognize and forgive the human frailty that is also inevitable".¹² Generosity helps us see past negative things in others and recognize the positive things. Fowers discusses three ways we can act generously:

1. Seeing the best in others encourages the goodness within them and helps melt away any iciness that can build with daily hurts and disappointments.
   1. Gottcha! Rather than catching your partner in his mistakes, catch him doing things that you appreciate.
2. Let her know. Make a habit of writing loving notes to your spouse.
3. Daily forgiving one another heals wounds and brings spouses together. If spouses cannot be forgiving, hurts and disappointments will buildup and drive them apart. For help on developing forgiveness, see the article Forgiveness in Families, at this website.
   1. Give others the benefit of the doubt. It is much easier to forgive if you believe that a perceived offense was not committed purposely. In most cases it isn't, and knowing that can help you to forgive.¹¹
   2. Don't take small problems personally. Seeing every mistake as a crime committed especially to hurt you will drive a wedge in your relationship. Instead, assume your partner has your best interest in mind, even if she sometimes hurts you.
   3. Pardon mistakes. Recognize that you and other people are human and make mistakes; give them the forgiveness that you would hope for.
   4. Remember being forgiven yourself. Remembering the times that you have been forgiven can foster forgiving feelings in your heart.
   5. Don't Ruminate. Those who brood over transgressions against them are more likely to avoid their partner and desire revenge.²¹
4. Giving of ourselves can foster generosity.
   1. Listen. Taking the time to really listen without interruption is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
   2. Have a heart. Offer compassion when others are suffering.
   3. Give small gifts of service. Do things for others that you know they will especially appreciate. Bring your friend her favorite snack at work, leave someone a flower, or pay for lunch. Choose something that matters to the person you want to serve.

The Virtue of Fairness

Partners in a strong relationship don’t split everything equally but rather understand that each partner contributes in different ways. "[Fairness] in marriage means being able to recognize your own and your spouse's particular capabilities and limitations and arrange your marriage so that these inequalities contribute to your relationship rather than create discord between you".¹²

When people use the differences between them to accomplish their shared goals, they are a source of strength tone another. Seeking to make everything exactly equal ignores differences and denies the strengths that each partner could otherwise draw on.

True fairness comes over time; day to day situations may favor one spouse or the other. When spouses trust each other to contribute what they can and take each other's needs and abilities into account, they develop a fair partnership. Here are suggestions for developing fairness in your relationships:

• Show appreciation. Studies show that even when there is clear imbalance of work, spouses feel okay about it if the other person recognizes the imbalance and shows appreciation.¹²

• Work together. Work together to prepare meals, do yard work, or pack up for moving. "The most ordinary chores can become daily rituals of...love and belonging".¹⁰

For more ideas on creating a fair marriage, see the article Equal Partnership in Marriage at this website.

Do You Speak the Language? Effective Communication

Just as you might travel to another country for your honeymoon, you might find marriage a lot like entering another country. In both situations, you need good communication. Marriage researcher John Gottman divides communication patterns into four areas. If you pack the skills he describes into your marriage bag, you will be more likely to have a satisfying marital journey.

The Start-up

When a couple encounters bumps along the road, they need to talk about it. Gottman says he can estimate the state of a couple's relationship by listening to just the first three minutes of problem-solving conversation. "Harsh start-ups" typically begin with blaming or criticizing. If you want to nurture your relationship, says Gottman, take blame and criticism out of your marital bag.¹⁶ Instead, pack these marital communication tools:

• Describe without judgment. Explain the problem objectively so that the other person doesn't don't feel attacked. It can help to use "I" statements ("I'm concerned that . . .") rather than "you" statements ("You make me feel worried. . ."), which tend to come across as an attack.

• Be clear. Understand that no one can read your mind. Rather, explain clearly exactly what the problem is.

• Be polite. Remember to say please and thank you.

• Be appreciative. Express your appreciation for what the other person does well and has done well in the past.

• Don't store things up. Whenever possible, bring up problems at the time they're happening or soon after. The longer you wait, the more your negative feelings will build up and the harder it will become to stay calm once you broach the subject.

Repair Attempts

Anytime we try to resolve conflict, tempers can flare. If this happens, use communication "brakes" to repair the situation. For example, if anger and criticism are escalating, try injecting some humor or giving your partner a goofy smile. Memorizing-escalation phrases can help as well. Here is a list adapted from Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

• That hurt my feelings.

• Did I do something wrong?

• I feel blamed; can you rephrase that?

• I feel defensive; can you rephrase that?

• I don't feel understood.

• Can I take back what I said?

• Can you listen and try and understand?

• I need to finish what I am saying.

• I'm sorry.

• Can we start over?

• Let me try again.

• I see what you are saying.

• I agree with part of that.

• One thing I admire about you is ...

• We are getting off track.

• Please don't withdraw.

• I love you.

• I understand.

• That is a good point.

• Thank-you for...

For more information on handling conflict, see the article Handling Conflict in Marriage at this website.

Five Positives for Every Negative¹⁶

Happy couples are not perfectly behaved people who never argue or make mistakes. Negative communication happens for them too, but it is far outweighed by the positive. Gottman has found that when discussing a problem, happy couples have five positive interactions forever one negative interaction. When packing, be sure to include five nice things to say for every one not-so-nice stowaway. For information about building more positive relationships, see the article Building a Fondness and Admiration System at this website.

Bids for Connection¹⁴

Every day each of us sends out hundreds of "bids" for connection to friends, family members, dates, and even strangers in line at the grocery store. "Bids" come from our natural desire to feel connected to others. They can be verbal or nonverbal, funny or serious, physical or intellectual. They can involve thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations.

Bids can be clear and unclear. A clear bid sounds like this: "I miss you. Can we get together tonight?" An unclear bid sounds like this: "What are you doing tonight?" When your bids are clear, it is easier to get what you want. When they're not clear or they‘re delivered with a mixed message, they can cause the other person to become defensive. Here's an example of an unclear, mixed-message bid:

Husband: How was your day?

Wife: Hectic, as usual.

Husband: So you didn’t even think of calling me, did you?

This husband wants to tell his wife that he missed her and would like to talk to her more often throughout the day, but his words communicate disappointment and anger. She's likely to respond defensively and might even be less likely to call him the next time she thinks of it.

Sometimes bids are fuzzy or offensive because the bidder is trying to avoid rejection, can't admit he is seeking connection, or simply doesn't know how to clearly bid for the connection he needs.

Gottman says it is important to try to see past people's anger or fear, then recognize and turn towards their bids as often as possible. Consistently turning towards bids, even if they’re clumsy, builds a solid foundation for relationships. That foundation becomes especially important during hard times. In fact, couples who consistently turn towards one another's bids find that their repair attempts are more likely tube successful. Turning towards someone's bid tells them:

• I hear you.
• I am interested in you.
• I understand you (or I would like to).
• I am on your side.
• I'd like to help you (whether I can or not).
• I'd like to be with you (whether I can or not).
• I accept you (even if I don't accept your behavior).

Turning towards a bid also makes the bidder feel good about himself or herself, the relationship, and the interaction. Often, turning towards a bid can simply mean joining your friend or partner in laughing about something they said rather than ignoring the bid and plowing forward. Ignoring or turning away from someone's bid does the opposite -- it injures relationships. We ignore bids by acting too busy to respond, by not responding at all, and by interrupting or changing the subject. We turn away bids with put downs, mocking, defensiveness, and criticism.

Turning away bids causes people to suppress feelings and become hostile. They lose their confidence in the relationship, and their self-esteem crumples. People who are constantly turned away become hopeless and eventually will give up trying. The more people turn away from each other, the more conflict they will have and the more likely it’s that the relationship will eventually dissolve.

To become more aware of how outbid and how you respond to bids, Gottman suggests that you keep an Emotion Log. Jot down when you notice bids. Here are some questions you might ask yourself to get started:

• What did I notice today about how I make bids for connection with the people in my life?
• How did I feel about the way people responded to my bids?
• Did I notice people turning toward, away, or against my bids?
• Was there anything about the way I made my bid that might have made them respond the way they did? Is there something I could do differently to make my bids clearer or less offensive?
• How did I respond to others' bids? Did I turn toward, away, or against them?
• Was there something about the way they made the bid that affected my response? Could I have responded differently? How could my responding differently have affected what happened next?

For more information on bids for connection, see the article Staying Connected with Each Other at this website.

Important Issues for You and Your Potential Traveling Companion

Making Good Choices

As you embark on the marriage journey, you can make many choices as a couple that will improve your chances of a happy and lasting marriage. Research shows that following the

Principles below can significantly improve the odds that your marriage will last:⁴

• Postpone children until after marriage. Individuals who have children after they marry (at least seven months after) rather than before have a 25% lower chance of divorce.

• Marry at an older age. Some studies say that marrying when you are 25 or older (compared to under 18) reduces the chance of divorce by almost 25%. Other research suggests that the risk for divorce diminishes rapidly after about age 20 and that by age 22 the risk of divorce is not much different than it is at age 25.

• Don't cohabit. Living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce by about 50 to 150% depending on various factors. Living together with several people before marrying is especially risky. However, some research suggests that couples who get engaged before they decide to live together do not have a higher risk of divorce.

• Affiliate with a religion. Those who report a religious affiliation have about a 15% lower chance of divorce than those who report no affiliation.

• Get a college education. Individuals who have some college education have about a 15% lower chance of divorce than those who don't finish high school.

• Have an adequate income before marrying. Those with annual incomes of more than $50,000 have a 30% lower chance of divorce compared to individuals with annual incomes of less than $25,000.

Understanding One Another's Values

We all acquire many values over our lifetimes. It is important to discuss with your spouse or prospective spouse all the values that matter to you and make sure that you agree on any core values and on most other values. The more similar you and your partner’s values, the less you will have to disagree about. Consider the following important values and how each of you would answer the questions:²⁰

• Importance of marriage. Is marriage the most important thing in life, or are other things, such as career or hobbies, just as important or more important? If you were having marital problems, would you consider divorce an option?

• Gender roles. Do you have a traditional view of the roles of husband and wife or a more egalitarian view?

• Importance of careers. Do you believe both spouses should work? When children come along, will one of you stop working to care for them?

• Importance of material wealth. How important is it to you to have plenty of money and nice clothes, cars, trips, and "toys"?

• Individuality and privacy. Do you need a lot of time alone, or do you prefer to do most things with your partner? Do you need someone at your side every waking moment?

• Sexual intimacy. What are your expectations about the importance and frequency of sex?

• Family planning. What are your attitudes and expectations about how soon you want to begin having children, how many you should have, how far apart they should be spaced? What are your preferred methods of birth control? Would you consider abortion if an unplanned pregnancy occurred?

• Couple boundaries. What kind of things should be kept just between you? What kind of things is it okay to discuss with friends or family?

• Importance of religion. What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? How important are they to you? Religious beliefs define the meaning of life, family, and marriage. Differences in this area run deep and should be discussed thoroughly before marriage.

• Background similarity. How similar or different are you in race, religion, socioeconomic status, education level, intelligence, and age? The more differences you have in these areas, the more you will need to negotiate and compromise. It is important to discuss your differences and understand each person's willingness to compromise on the areas that will require it.

More Resources

This article offers many ideas for you to think about, discuss, and apply with a potential companion, but it ‘sonly a beginning. You can turn to many resources for more help evaluating and building your marriage readiness. Other resources include:

• The RELATE Institute questionnaires READY and RELATE. READY is a test that you can take to measure your readiness in the areas that we have discussed in this article. It takes about an hour. RELATE is a couple's version that you and your significant other or fiancé can take. RELATE compiles your answers and gives you a report so that you can see where your strengths and weakness are as a couple. READY and RELATE will not tell you if you are ready to be married or if you should or shouldn't marry a particular person; they will help you see what things you need to improve on.

• The Forever Families article The Case for Marriage Preparation helps couples choose a marriage preparation program.

• PEPARE-ENRICH is one of many programs designed to help you evaluate your relationship and prepare for marriage.

• A book called Should We Stay Together? By Jeffry Larson²⁰ includes self-tests from the RELATE questionnaire. Larson's book explains why each factor that the RELATE questionnaire assesses is important, how to assess yourself, how to evaluate if a factor is a strength or weakness, and how to get help to turn your weaknesses into strengths.

• Larson²⁰ also wrote the Forever Families article Important Factors to Consider before Taking the Marriage Plunge, which includes excerpts from his book.

Written by Rachael Baguley Shaw, Research Assistant, and edited by Jason Carroll and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
2. Bowlby, J. (1994). The making and breaking of affection bonds. New York: Routledge.
3. Bradbury, N. T., & Karney, B.R., (2004). Understanding and altering the longitudinal course of marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 862-879.
4. Bartlett, M. D., & Mosher, W.D. (2002). Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the United States. Vital and Health Statistics, 23(22). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
5. Broderick, C. (1988). Marriage and the family. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
6. Busby, D. M., Gardner, B. C., & Taniguchi, N. (2005). The family of origin parachute model: Landing safely in adult romantic relationships. Family Relations, 54, 254-264.
7. Busby, D. M., Holman, T. B., & Taniguchi, N. (2001). RELATE: Relationship evaluation of the individual, family, cultural, and couple contexts. Family Relations, 50, 308-316.
8. Carroll, J. S., Badger, S., & Yang, C. (2006). The ability to negotiate or the ability to love? Evaluating the developmental domains of marital competence. Journal of Family Issues, 27(7), 1001-1032.
9. Day, R. D. (2005). MFHD 160 Introduction to Family Processes Lecture. Brigham Young University.
10. Dollahite, D. C. (2000). Strengthening our families. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company.
11. Fincham, F. D. (2000). The kiss of the porcupines: From attributing responsibility to forgive. Personal relationships, 7, 1-23.
12. Fowers, B. J. (2000). Beyond the myth of marital happiness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
13. Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.
14. Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York: Three Rivers Press.
15. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
16. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
17. Huston, T. L., & Melz, H. (2004). The case for (promoting) marriage: The devil is in the details. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 862-879.
18. Kumashiro, M., Finkel, E. J., & Rusbult, C. E. (2002). Self-respect and pro-relationship behavior in marital relationship. Journal of Personality, 70(6), 1009-1049.
19. L'Abate, L., & Baggett, M. (1997). The self in the family. Canada: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
20. Larson, J. H. (2000). Should we stay together? A Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
21. Whitehead, B. D., & Popenoe, D. (2000). Sex without strings, relationships without rings: Today's young singles talk about mating and dating. In The state of our unions 2000: The social health of marriage in America. Piscataway, NJ: The National Marriage Project.

Preparing for marriage may seem overwhelming, especially if you experienced challenges in your family as you were growing up. As we follow the counsel from modern day prophets, we can be made whole through the atonement of Jesus Christ, and our relationships will be blessed by His love. The Family Proclamation declares this truth: "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ" (¶ 8).

Marriages a Priority

The Family Proclamation teaches that "the family is ordained of God" (¶ 8). Church leaders consistently emphasize the sacred nature marriage and the importance of preparing for the sacred roles of mothers and fathers, choosing a spouse wisely, and developing Christlike attributes. President David O. McKay taught these principles many times. He said:

Teach the young people that marriage is not merely a man-made institution, but it is ordained of God, and is a sacred ceremony, and should receive their gravest consideration before they enter upon a contract that involves either happiness or misery for the rest of their lives. Marriage is not something which should be entered into lightly...or ended at the first little difficulty that might arise.⁴

Elder Marlin K. Jensen also taught that marriage should be a priority:

Because the restored gospel reveals that eternal life with our Heavenly Father will be lived in family units, we would be wise to place a high priority in this life on preparing for and developing rewarding marriage relationships and roles as effective fathers and mothers. If we have been regarding too lightly the inspired counsel of the prophets on marriage, we may want to reorient our thinking. All the prophets in recent years have made powerful statements affirming that all who have the opportunity should work to attain eternal marriage and develop an eternal family unit.⁵

Developing Marital Readiness without Expecting Perfection

Becoming ready for marriage takes time and work, but no one needs to be perfect of find the perfect person before marrying. Elder Jensen reminded us that even the Savior 'received not of the fullness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fullness" (D&C 93:13). He continued:

A recognition that the Savior's perfection came gradually is comforting to two imperfect beings who are trying to make their marriage perfect. I believe that those of you who are walking around with a checklist of fully perfected attributes in a prospective spouse may come off empty-handed. Most of those attributes will be only in embryo when you are courting and will take most of a lifetime to perfect.⁵

Becoming ready for marriage may require that you change habits that have become ingrained by time and experience. Do not get discouraged if the process of change is slow. President Ezra Taft Benson taught that "we must be careful, as we seek to become more and more godlike, that we do not become discouraged and lose hope. Becoming Christ-like is a lifetime pursuit and very often involves growth and change that is slow, almost imperceptible.¹

Developing the Capacity to Love

We love Christ because He loved us first (1 Jn. 4:19). Similarly, others will love us more as we develop our ability to love. Elder Jensen taught:

The teachings of Christ suggest that we should begin our search for an eternal companion with greater concern about our ability to give love than about our need to receive it. Indeed, it may be our own capacity to give love that makes us most lovable. The greater our own personal substance is and the deeper our own mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves are, the greater will be our capacity to nurture and love others, especially our companion. Only when we love God above all others, as the Savior taught (see Matt. 22:34-40), will we be capable of offering pure, Christ like love to our companions for all eternity.⁵

Virtue Loveth Virtue

It is as important to develop in yourself the qualities that you seek in an eternal companion as it is to find them in another. Elder Jensen⁵ said:

If we pursue the goal of an eternal marriage with purity and with both our hearts and our minds believe in most cases we will eventually be rewarded with a companion who is at least our spiritual equal and who will cleave unto intelligence and light as we do, who will receive wisdom as we receive it, who will embrace truth as we embrace it, and who will love virtue as we love it...: "For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom received wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light" (D&C 88:40).

Choosing a Companion

Elder Richard G. Scott said the following about choosing an eternal companion:

Look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home. An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood. A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities. I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.⁶

David McKay said the following about this topic:

In choosing a companion, it is necessary to study ... the one with whom you are contemplating making life's journey. You see how necessary it is to look forth characteristics of honesty, of loyalty, of chastity, and of reverence...In the presence of the girl you truly love you do not feel to grovel; in her presence you do not attempt to take advantage of her; in her presence you feel that you would like to be everything that a [great man] should become, for she will inspire you to that ideal.⁴

Blessings of Properly Preparing for an Eternal Marriage

David O. McKay promised six blessings to those who prepare themselves for marriage:

Young men and young women who would live the happiest lives would do well to prepare themselves to be worthy of that form of marriage which God has ordained--the union of a man and woman worthy to have their marriage solemnized in the temple of the Most High. There as true lovers kneel..., each may cherish the assurance of the following: First that their marriage course begins in purity. The children who come to bless the union are guaranteed a royal birth so far as inheriting a clean body is concerned. Second, that their religious view are the same. The difficulty of rearing children properly is aggravated when Father and Mother have divergent views regarding doctrine and church affiliation...Third that their vows are made with the idea of an eternal union, not to be broken by petty misunderstandings or difficulties. Fourth, that a covenant made in God's presence and sealed by the Holy Priesthood is more binding than any other bond. Fifth, that a marriage thus commenced is as eternal as love, the divinest attribute of the human soul. Sixth, that the family unit will remain unbroken throughout eternity.⁴

Conclusion

As you work to become more Christlike, you will become prepared for marriage. As you build your marriage on a gospel foundation, you will have a successful marriage and receive the blessings President McKay promised.

For more on what Church leaders have said about preparing for marriage, check out Before Forever, a Website that includes a special collection of Ensign articles on marriage preparation and temple marriage.

References

1. Benson, E. T. (October, 1989). A mighty change of heart. Ensign, 2-5.
2. Fowers, B. J. (2000). Beyond the myth of marital happiness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
3. Hinckley, G. B. (May, 1995). The light within you. Ensign, 99.
4. Intellectual Reserve, Inc. (2003). Teachings of the presidents of the Church: David McKay. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
5. Jensen. M. K. (October, 1994). A union of love and understanding. Ensign, 47.
6. Scott, R. G. (May, 1999). Receive the temple blessings. Ensign, 25.