Making Prayer Happen at Home

Prayer has great benefits at home. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that successful marriages and families are handled with prayer. The limited research on prayer in family life shows that many couples rely on prayer when addressing marital problems. Couple prayer is helpful in dealing with conflict, increasing positive interactions, reducing verbal aggression, and improving overall marital health. However, in order to succeed, prayer needs to be more than a routine. Meaningful prayer can strengthen bonds, build unity, and reinforce values.

A prominent religious leader has commented that "family prayer in the homes of the people is one of the basic medications that would check the dread disease that is eroding the character of our society. I feel satisfied that there is no adequate substitute for the morning and evening practice of kneeling together-father, mother, and children. This, more than soft carpets, more than lovely draperies, more than cleverly balanced color schemes, is the thing that will make for better and more beautiful homes. As the family thanks the Lord for one another, there is developed within the family a new appreciation, a new respect, a new affection one for another. . . . The praying family is the hope of a better society".¹⁸

Summary of Prayer Research

In the past, prayer was merely seen as mystical and supernatural. Recently prayer has received increased attention in the world of science. Prayer research began by focusing primarily on individuals and how they use prayer to cope with traumas, emergencies, and physical or mental health conditions. Today, prayer research has extended to married couples. No research to date has examined the effects of prayers on families as a whole.

According to research, couples report that prayer brings them closer to God and helps them reduce their anger. They also say they are able to change their perspective and receive divine instructions through prayer. Many couples rely on prayer when addressing marital problems and report its helpfulness in dealing with conflict, increasing positive interactions, reducing verbal aggression, and improving overall marital health. However, in order to succeed, prayer needs to be more than a routine. Meaningful prayer can strengthen bonds, build unity, and reinforce values.

A Definition of Prayer

Prayer is defined as a "two-way personal communication between an individual or couple and God".⁵ It is a vibrant, vital link with a Supreme Being that gives meaning to a person's life.^{29, 30} Prayer allows individuals, couples, or families to come closer to God through healing.¹² Prayer can be meditative (silent), colloquial (asking for abstract things like guidance or forgiveness), petitionary (asking for materialistic things), or ritual (memorized or read from a book). While it can be all of these things, it can also enrich the quality of marriage and family life.

Benefits of Prayer to Couples and Families

Recently prayer has been the topic of increasing research. However, only three studies to date have been located that discuss the benefits of prayer in family life, specifically in marriage. Gruner found that 53% of his sample (208 couples from various religious backgrounds) relied on prayer in addressing marital problems, and that all of these couples reported high marital adjustment. Each of these couples agreed that using prayer within a marriage tended to increase their level of satisfaction within the marriage.¹⁶

Butler et al. asked twenty-six Christian spouses (thirteen couples) to explain their experiences with prayer and conflict resolution. They found that "spouses highlighted the constant impression or influence prayer had upon their thoughts and actions throughout the day, which appeared to result in more positive marital interaction".⁵ Mahoney et al. assessed ninety-seven couples' involvement in religiously based activities. Most people examined reported an active participation in various religious activities, both formal and informal. Prayer was one of those activities. These researchers found that couples who participate more regularly in joint religious activities report higher overall marital satisfaction. Couples also discovered a decrease in marital conflict and reduced verbal aggression and fewer stalemate strategies when resolving conflicts.²⁴

Couples and families receive strength from prayer.^{5, 16, 24} But what about prayer strengthens marriages and families? Prayer has the following effects on relationships:

• Prayer Brings Couples Closer to God. Once a person understands their relationship with God, prayer becomes natural. Many people view God as a loving figure who is there to help them succeed. He is often seen as a source of help and answers.⁵ Due to this relationship people trust in Him and allow Him to enter their marriage. Thus, He becomes an integral part in their partnership. When this relationship is established, couples are able to see themselves, and each other, in a different light. God is their divine standard. Through prayer they can gauge their behavior to see if they are acting like Him.⁵

• Angry feelings are softened. As couples draw nearer to God and decide to pray, feelings are softened. Many spouses report they don't want to pray when they are angry because anger is not compatible with God's desires. In fact, they often claim it is impossible to pray while holding onto bad feelings. Prayer, or the decision to pray, has a calming effect. It soothes emotions and helps the angry partner treat their spouse differently.⁵

• Relationships are Remembered. Something interesting happens when couples pray. They start to forget about their own feelings and start to think more about the other person. People usually think of themselves when fighting because they want to be heard. Prayer, however, helps them remember their relationship as a couple⁵. Once those angry feelings are softened, a person can begin to understand his or her spouse. This happens because they stop focusing on what their spouse needs to change and start thinking about how they can change. Fewer stalemate strategies are used, and they no longer insist on being right.²⁴ Instead, they want what is best for the relationship. The more often you pray the more likely you are to treat others like you would like to be treated.^{5, 18}

• Instructions Are Received. Butler et al. discovered an interesting phenomenon upon studying prayer and the effect it had on couples resolving conflict. They found that when couples use prayer to solve conflict they do not receive complete answers. Instead they experience step-by-step coaching that tells them what to say or do to improve their situation. Thus, they receive the necessary help, but the problem is not removed. Rather than making everything better, prayer leaves the couple with the responsibility to create their own solution.⁵

• Health Benefits Come. Some studies have shown that prayer, and prayer offered in others' behalf, helps people relax, increases their brain activity, and improves heartbeat rate. In short, prayer promotes peoples health. It has even been shown that those who have received prayers in their behalf recovered faster.^{7, 8, 14}

Making Prayer Happen

Prayer has many benefits, and yet many families struggle to pray consistently. Other families struggle to make their couple or family prayers meaningful. In his book, The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties, Dr. Doherty discusses the importance of family rituals. Prayer is one of those "rituals" or "traditions" that can bring the family together. Of rituals, Doherty says, "family rituals are the glue that holds families together". But a routine is not a ritual. Prayer cannot simply be words repeated everyday. For prayer to become a family ritual or tradition, it must have "meaning or significance"; otherwise it remains a mere routine. A ritual or tradition such as family prayer can benefit families in at least four ways:¹¹

• Predictability, or a sense of order, regularity, and security. A family that knows it will meet together every day to pray will have something unique to anticipate. Children will look forward to and savor family prayer. However, if prayer has to be negotiated every night it will quickly lose its power.

• Connection. Couples and families that pray together will also connect to one another and rebuild bonds. As discussed earlier, perspectives can change with prayer, and people who were once divided can become united once again. Prayer can bring people closer, not only to one another, but also to God.

• Identity. Prayer can create a sense of belonging and specialness or uniqueness, especially as family members pray for one another. Levin and Taylor say it gives meaning and purpose. By praying together you begin to understand yourself, your relationship to your spouse, and your relationship to God. An identity is formed that allows you to be a more vital part of your family.²²

• Value enactment. Prayer provides a context for showing what we believe, honor, and hold dear. Children learn the importance of prayer as they listen to their parents pray for them. Parents can use prayer as a way to teach their children the importance of humility, faith, and other virtues.

Ideas for Practice at Home

Based on Doherty's framework, here are ideas for making prayer a couple and family tradition within your home:¹¹

• Plan a time everyday. Whether you pray in the morning, the evening, or around the dinner table, make sure your family knows when it's time for family prayer. The same is true for couples. Plan a time when you will kneel together in prayer. Schedules are hectic and time is hard to find. Having a set time will help a couple remember to pray. One caution, however. Do not let your prayers become routine, or memorized, simply because they are at the same time everyday. Remember the benefits that come through honest prayer.

• Involve everyone. Many times parents decide when their family will start a new family ritual. At times this is dangerous. Your children are much more likely to attend (without a fight) if they help plan. Children's schedules are often as busy as our own and need to be considered. Family planning helps family execution.

• Be consistent. Stay true to your plan. Buses will come calling and phones will be ringing but a family must take time for prayer. Do not fall into the trap of praying when it is convenient. Unless prayer is planned for it will never appear to be convenient. Schedules are too busy to not be intentional. Always make time from prayer. Make it a priority and stick with it. Also, don't give children or a reluctant spouse the power to pull the plug. If they don't want to actually pray, but will participate, don't give up. Simply take the lead and pray together.

• Be Creative. Some families are larger, and different schedules can make life quite hectic. Do your best to involve everyone, but also be realistic. You may need to have more than one family prayer to include everyone. A story is told of a mother who had family/couple prayer with her husband who arose early for work. Later, she held family prayer with the older siblings as they went off to school. And finally, she had family prayer with the little ones who woke up later. Although the whole family wasn't present at the same time, it was still family prayer. Besides, you can show your children the importance of prayer and make special connections with each family subgroup as they kneel to pray.

A common struggle families face when trying to have family prayer is coordinating everyone's schedule. It is not necessary to have only "one" family prayer. As children grow older and their schedules become more hectic, it may be necessary to have four or five "family" prayers during the day. Don't simply give up because it's impossible to gather everyone together at one time. Pray with as many as you can, and then pray with those you've missed. This does not offset the benefits of family prayer. In fact, it often enhances the benefits for those involved. Occasional prayers with smaller groups of family members can help strengthen the personal relationships of those involved.

A young man tells a story about his mother and how she prayed separately with him everyday. He left for school before the others arose and therefore could not benefit from prayer with the entire family. His mother, however, did not let him leave without prayer, even though it would have been more convenient. Rather, she knelt and prayed with him everyday before he left. He later recounts that his most prevalent memories of family prayer were when he knelt together with his mother.

• Pray Always. Prayer can change one's perspective. The more prayer experiences one has, the more likely one's perspective will be in harmony with God's. You will be less angry, more neutral, and more aware of each other's needs. Constant prayer prevents perspective loss. The more you pray, the more you see things through God's eyes. You also learn more about who you are and what things you can do to improve your relationships.

• Be Aware. Children learn quickly. They will easily perceive your attitude towards prayer. If Mom is always instigating prayer and Dad grumbles along, children will learn to devalue prayer. Also, if you allow schedules to take priority over prayer they will learn that prayer takes a backseat to convenience. Be aware of how you portray prayer and its importance in your marriage and family. The same holds true for couples. If one spouse is constantly avoiding prayer, a value will be taught.

• Don't Wait. Many newly married couples decide they'll wait to pray as a family when they have a family. Do not wait to begin. Family prayer should begin as soon as the husband and wife become a family. Other families who are not accustomed to prayer often wait for something to change. Do not wait for different circumstances. It may take a little effort, or a little preparation, but start today.

• Be Adaptable. Families need to adapt to their environment. If you have young children in the home prayers need to be short. Children will quickly lose interest in long, "boring" prayers. If prayers are always long and children always lose interest, they will begin to form a negative image of prayer. A couple, on the other hand, can pray together for a longer period of time. Their prayer language may be at a higher level than the language used with kids. Take an inventory of your situation and adapt accordingly. Also, let children participate. As mentioned above, family prayer is a teaching tool. Children will learn the basics of prayer by listening to parents and older siblings, but they need practice. They need to learn how to share their feelings and ideas about the family with God.

• Be Flexible. A plan is important, but there may come a time when you need additional prayers. Hard times require harder prayers. Don't get locked into a routine to the point that extra prayers are not common. Many times a certain family will need specific help. Gather the family together and pray for those needs. For example, if there were an argument in the home, a couple or family could kneel together in prayer to reduce those feelings of anger. Specific needs call for specific prayers.

What should I do if a family member doesn't want to participate in family prayer?

Many times parents have difficulty involving everyone. Some may have busy schedules, others may just not want to participate. Bill Doherty talks about how to involve those who don't want to participate. He gives the following advice:

• Find out what the child does not like about the family ritual, in this case prayer. It may be something specific that could be remedied, or simply waited out. By discussing why they do not want to participate, you may be able to adapt the ritual to fit their needs.¹¹

• Also, pay close attention to the message being sent from you and your spouse about prayer. For example, if you are always calling family prayer and your spouse constantly mumbles, you are sending a mixed message. Your children will learn about the importance of prayer through both your verbal and nonverbal behaviors.¹¹

• Make sure children understand which rituals are mandatory and which are optional. If your family rule is to have family prayer every morning, let them know it is not an option to miss. More importantly, enforce it. That way you do not have to resolve this issue everyday.¹¹

• Also, decide at what age your children are allowed to choose for themselves. If they do not want to participate but you feel they are too young to decide for themselves, tell them so. But at the same time discuss with them what age would be appropriate for them to decide for themselves. For some it may be once they start high school; for others it may be the age of sixteen or eighteen. Make a decision, explain your reasons, and then stick to it. Don't rehash the same decision every day.¹¹

• Finally, don't let your child sabotage the family ritual by being bored or disinterested. Once you have done everything already listed, then be content with participation. Do not let your child's bad attitude ruin your feelings towards prayer. One mistake commonly made is parents demanding their children change their "bad attitude." Parents cannot change attitudes. You can alter behaviors (whether your children participate or not), but you can't change their attitude (whether they like it or not). Many times if you fight to change their attitude they will simply dig in their heels and resist more.¹¹

Written by Andrew S. Brimhall, Graduate Research Assistant. Edited by Mark Butler and Stephen F. Duncan, professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Anderson, D. A., & Worthen, D. (1997). Exploring a fourth dimension: Spirituality as a resource for the couple therapist. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 23, 3-12
2. Bateson, C., & Ventis, W. (1982). The religious experience. New York: Oxford University Press.
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5. Butler, M. H., Gardner, B. C., & Bird, M. H. (1998). Not just a time-out: Change dynamics of prayer for religious couples in conflict situations. Family Process, 37(4), 451-478.
6. Butler, M. H., & Harper J. M. (1994). The divine triangle: God in the marital system of religious couples. Family Process, 33, 277-286.
7. Byrd, R. C. (1988). The therapeutic effects of intercessory prayer in a coronary care unit. Southern Medical Journal, 81, 826-829
8. Carlson, C. R., Bacaseta, P. E., & Simanton, D. A. (1988). A controlled evaluation of devotional meditation and progressive relaxation. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 16, 362-368.
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18. Hinckley, G. B. (1991, February). The blessings of family prayer. Ensign, 2-5.
19. Ingersoll, R. E. (1994). Spirituality, religion, and counseling: Dimensions and relationships. Counseling and Values, 38, 98-111.
20. Joanides, C. J. (1996). Collaborative family therapy with religious family systems. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 7, 19-35.
21. Johnstone, R. L. (1988). Religion in society: A sociology of religion. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
22. Levin, J. S., & Taylor, R. J. (1997). Age differences in patterns and correlates of the frequency of prayer. The Gerontologist 37, 1, 75-88.
23. Lindgren, K. N., & Coursey, R. D. (1995). Spirituality and serious mental illness: A two part study. Psychosocial Rehabilitation Journal, 18, 93-111
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The teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ strongly emphasize the importance and benefits of prayer in families. In the Book of Mormon, the Savior commanded us to "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed" (3 Nephi 18:21). President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Family prayer in the homes of the people is one of the basic medications that would check the dread disease that is eroding the character of our society. . . . I feel satisfied that there is no adequate substitute for the morning and evening practice of kneeling together-father, mother, and children. This, more than soft carpets, more than lovely draperies, more than cleverly balanced color schemes, is the thing that will make for better and more beautiful homes. . . . The inclination to be unholy, as Paul described it, to be unthankful, is erased as together family members thank the Lord for life and peace and all they have. As they thank the Lord for one another, there is developed within the family a new appreciation, a new respect, a new affection one for another. . . . The praying family is the hope of a better society".¹

Quoting James H. Moyle, President Hinckley added, "Differences may arise in the best of governed families, but they will be dissipated by the . . . spirit of prayer. . . . It tends to unity, love, forgiveness, to service".¹ President Hinckley concluded: "I give you my testimony that if you sincerely apply family prayer, you will not go away unrewarded. The changes may not be readily apparent. They may be extremely subtle. But they will be real, for God 'is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him' (Hebrews 11:6)".

References

1. Hinckley, G. B. (1991, February). The blessings of family prayer. Ensign, 2-5.