Making Meaning of Death

Death is a universal transition that knocks on every family's door.⁵ It is perhaps the most stressful event family members will face,¹⁰ depriving them of an irreplaceable person that they love.¹

Death launches a process of grieving that takes families time and effort to work through.⁵ Some families find their core beliefs shaken when faced with this life-altering experience while other families are less traumatized.^5,11 Whatever the reaction, it is possible to regain feelings of peace and security after the death of a loved one.³ The loss can even nourish remaining relationships and renew faith, wisdom, and purposefulness.⁵

Making Meaning

Understanding research about what death means to families and how they cope with it can help those who are grieving.¹¹ Dorothy Becvar points out in her book In the Presence of Grief that finding meaning in the death of a loved one enables us to endure the pain and survive the loss.³ With meaning, family members are better able to gain a sense of control and find order in the chaos.¹² People grieve in different ways, so the journey to meaning will be personal and unique to each person.^3,7

Research shows the following factors influence the meaning that people make of death:

• Culture or ethnicity. Rituals around death and the way emotions are expressed differ from culture to culture. The mourning period, the role of extended family, the roles of men versus women, and coping strategies all vary according to culture.¹⁰ What one culture views as normal another may see as abnormal.¹³

• Gender. Research suggests that women are more likely to take on caregiving roles and men are more likely to manage tasks such as burial, finances, and funeral arrangements.¹⁰ Men seem to benefit more from counseling while women need help rethinking and reshaping their lives.¹³ Often married couples experience differences in the way they grieve.¹⁰

• Religion. Religious beliefs, religion, and spiritual support are important resources for coping with death.^11,8 Religion can provide an anchor and a feeling of divine purpose.³

• Family beliefs. How a family views the world influences its coping strategies.¹⁰ For some families, open displays of emotion are acceptable while for others they are not.¹⁵

Experiencing Grief

Grief includes many components, including denial, shock, pain, volatile emotions, resolution, and acceptance.¹⁰ A grieving person might also feel separation anxiety, emotional numbness, and despair.¹⁴ Below are common stages of grief, though not everyone goes through all the stages or experiences them in the order presented.² It is important to remember that every individual experiences grief differently.¹³

• Denial. A common initial reaction to the death of a loved one is to deny it. Individuals may have thoughts such as "this can't be happening" or "this is only a bad dream." Many people feel anger, guilt, and resentment during this stage.

• Despair. As the reality of death sinks in, the bereaved begins to realize that life will never be the same. She might experience deep sadness, confusion, separation pain, and episodes of volatile emotions.

• Detachment. At this stage, feelings of isolation, loneliness, withdrawal, and indifference toward the world often occur. Depression and a wish to withdraw from others are common.

• Recovery. Over time, the bereaved comes to accept the death. He recognizes that life must go on, though the person who has died will never be forgotten and life will never be the same. He begins to take renewed interest in life and is able to move forward.

Understanding these stages can be comforting, but they are only a rough guide. Not everyone will experience every stage, and some might go back and forth between stages several times before arriving at recovery. In some cases a person is not able to move into the recovery stage without professional help.

Different Faces of Death

Most often death comes as the natural and expected result of aging, but it also can come after a short illness, after a long illness, or as the result of an accident or violent act. The timing and nature of the death affect a family's grieving process, with unexpected deaths often making grief more complicated.¹⁰

Following are some of the types of deaths families experience:

• Loss of a child. The death of a child interrupts the natural cycle of life and death, pushing many parents almost beyond what they think they can endure.^3,11 Whether the child was young or older, parents may feel that they have somehow failed.³ A miscarriage or early death of an infant can be especially hard and is often overlooked.³

Sometimes spouses irrationally blame each other for the death, affecting the marital bond and marital intimacy.^{3, 10} Spouses who grieve in very different ways might have trouble supporting and comforting one another.¹⁰

It's important to allow grieving parents to talk about their experience. Some will need help finding ways to comfort surviving children so that the family is not injured further.³

• Loss of parent. A child's reaction to the death of a parent varies depending on gender, age, and stage of life.^10,3 Younger children may have concerns or questions such as: "Did I cause the death to happen?" "Is it going to happen to me?" and "Who is going to take care of me?".³ Adolescents, who are already in a chaotic stage of life, may find a parent's death causes further confusion.³ Even adult children often feel they have lost protection and guidance.³

• Loss of a spouse. The loss of a spouse produces a unique anguish, depriving the survivor of a confidante, parent to children, lover, and adviser.^1,3 Identity changes suddenly, shifting from "we" to "I"".³ Younger survivors may be faced with rearing children alone, and their work responsibilities suddenly combined with running a home may interfere with the ability to mourn.³ Surviving spouses who had strictly defined gender roles sometimes have an especially difficult time because they aren't prepared to assume the deceased spouse's responsibilities.¹⁰

• Loss of a sibling. The bond between siblings often runs deep, and death may leave a brother or sister with feelings of deep sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, fear, disbelief, apathy, numbness, and even guilt. Grieving parents usually get most of the attention when a child dies, especially a young child, and the siblings are often overlooked. It is not unusual for siblings to feel emotionally abandoned and alone.³ Instead of attending to their own grief, siblings often feel compelled to comfort their parents. Over time, some siblings might feel pressure to be like their deceased brother or sister.³

• Loss of extended family or friend. Society often doesn't recognize the deep grief we can experience when we lose an extended family member or friend.³ In some cases aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and others are even closer to us than our immediate family members. These deaths, too, deserve mourning and grief.

• Loss of a pet. Many people form extremely meaningful relationships with pets, and they might find that relationship undervalued by others. Those who haven't experienced a close connection with a pet might mock or laugh at a person who feels grief over this loss.³ Those who have lost a pet should feel their grief is valid, and others should honor those feelings.

• Unexpected or unusual deaths. Deaths such as suicide, homicide, early death from an illness, or the death of an abuser can produce intense reactions.¹⁰ Ambiguous losses, such as a soldier missing in action, a kidnapping where the child does not return, or desertion, deprive survivors of certainty and closure.³ In these situations, families may struggle more to make sense of their experience.^12,8

Bewilderment is a common reaction to unusual deaths. Some will wonder if the death could have been prevented and may blame themselves for the loss.^3,5 The death of an abuser can lead to feelings of rage, secrecy, ambivalence, sadness, and shame.¹⁰ Survivors of deaths that carry social stigmas, such as suicide, often feel they can't speak about their loss, making it more difficult to work through the grieving process.³

Survivors of unexpected or unusual deaths often need professional help and should not hesitate to seek it.

The Importance of Rituals

Becvar says that rituals, such as funerals and memorials, are basic to the structure of society. They offer connection with the past, stability in the present, and guidance for the future. Research has found that rituals can help families adapt to loss by fostering a sense of group identity, growth, and change.³

Funerals and memorial services help the bereaved accept their loss and begin moving toward resolution of their grief.¹ They provide the initial steps of remembering, honoring, and recognizing the loved one.¹ They also give the grieving a chance to express pain and anguish¹ and to receive support from others.⁸

For children, rituals can be especially comforting. They provide an opportunity to hear other people talk about the deceased.² Adults participating in these rituals provide examples for children on how to handle their grief.²

Rituals are personal. Bereaved families need not feel obligated to follow the rules and traditions prescribed by society but rather should design unique rituals that fit their needs.³

Below are suggestions to help families sort out issues around rituals related to death:

• Funeral or memorial services. Planning rituals surrounding the death of a loved one can be daunting. Some may experience fear from past experiences or concerns about truly honoring the loved one who has passed.³ Ceremonies can offer closure to feelings of unfinished business and supplement or complement other services.³

• Holidays. Holidays after the death of a loved one can be challenging, especially the first holidays. Those closest to the deceased might want to skip holidays.³

• Birthdays and anniversaries. Birthdays and anniversaries can be especially hard. Creating a regular routine for these occasions can ease these times and even make them welcoming.³ Families might visit the grave site of the loved one, take trips, or eat food and enjoy activities that were favorites of the deceased.³ During holidays associated with gift giving, individuals may choose to donate an amount similar to what they spent on presents for the deceased to charities.³ Other healing rituals that have been found to be helpful include writing letters to the deceased, mending relationships, and becoming involved in a cause.³

• Mealtimes. Setting a place at the table for the deceased can be comforting because it openly acknowledges the person and his or her life.³ Some might feel confused about whether the deceased or the death can be openly mentioned during family times together.³

• The deceased’s belongings. Some individuals may find comfort in keeping or wearing items of clothing that belonged to the loved one to serve as a reminder, such as a shirt or a necklace.³ A major issue for many families is deciding what to do with the room of the deceased. For some, it may be helpful to change the purpose of the room, while others prefer keeping the room as it is as a memorial.³ Families should be respectful of different family members' wishes and work out these decisions together.

Helping Adults After the Death of a Loved One

Friends and extended family can help or frustrate the grieving process. When supporters have unrealistic expectations, such as thinking a survivor should "move on" within a specific period of time, they can complicate the grieving process.¹⁰ A grieving person needs time and support to make meaning out of his or her new world.¹³

Here are ideas for supporting the grieving:

• Give individualized support. Becvar says that good intentions are not enough. Instead, we must match our emotional support with the specific needs of the grieving.^3,12 That means taking the time to study out their needs. It can be helpful for grieving families and those who want to support them to sit down together, listen to each other, and accept different perceptions of the death and grieving.⁷

• Let the bereaved talk. Those who are grieving often find it helpful to talk about their experience³ and to share positive memories of the deceased.⁵ Talking- and being heard - gives the grieving an emotional release and encourages a search for meaning.³

• Allow full expression of feelings. Let those who are grieving cry, rage, and despair. This freedom validates their feelings and provides them with a sense of security.³

• Provide empathy and understanding. Being empathetic means being with others in their pain. It means allowing full expression of feelings without judgment -- not trying to offer solutions, fix their pain, or pressure them to move on. For survivors of suicide, it can be healing to help them realize what the deceased might have been experiencing and that he or she likely was not thinking clearly enough to make a thoughtful decision.

• Take care of practical needs. Even the simplest tasks can feel overwhelming to someone who is grieving. Help with child care, meal preparation, housecleaning, or even a car wash can feel like a godsend.⁵

• Create symbols in honor of the deceased. Offering to plant a tree or help with a photo album can be reassuring.⁵ Some individuals find it helpful to write down and read memories about the loved one.³

• Avoid clichéd comments. Remarks such as "It's God will" or "She's no longer suffering" or "He's in a better place" are rarely comforting.⁵ More helpful are words such as "I'm sorry" or even "I don't know how to help" -- along with a willingness to listen.⁵

• Don’t expect the pain to eventually stop. Bereaved individuals report that the pain of losing a loved one never fully goes away. It is always present to some degree, and survivors must learn to live with it as a constant companion.⁵ Becvar describes how survivors have explained these feelings to her: "Closure? No. A wound may heal into a scar. Excruciating pain may become a dull ache. Knowledge may become wisdom. Memories that brought anguished tears may now bring a small smile. I don't think closure is an appropriate concept. It seems to imply an ending or finishing to a relationship. Some relationships will always endure. They may evolve into another order, but they will endure".³

• Encourage professional help if needed. If it appears that a person is not moving through his or her grief, professional help might be needed.¹³ Supporters can help grieving individuals get in touch with support groups or others with similar experiences.³ Some bereaved persons will suffer mentally and physically for longer than necessary unless he or she receives appropriate help from trained professionals.¹³

Supporting Grieving Children

Children’s reactions to death are influenced by their age. Below are general principles according to age range:²

• Infants and toddlers (under 3 years). Very young children do not understand death, but they do recognize that an important person is no longer around. Infants and toddlers respond to the stress of the adults around them and might become fussier and more difficult after a death.

Young children function best with a regular routine. Maintaining normal routines, such as meal times and bedtimes, is very helpful to this age group. Use simple words to explain the death, such as “Mommy died." Talk about the deceased and show pictures to help small children remember.

• Preschoolers (3-5).This age group has a very basic understanding of death. They can recognize that basic body functions stop when a person dies, so they may understand that a person who has died can't eat and sleep anymore. But most preschoolers do not understand that death is permanent. They might repeatedly ask questions like “When is Daddy coming back?" -- even though they have been told many times that he has died.

To help this age group, answer questions simply and honestly each time they are asked. Physical activity can help to release stress after the death of a parent, so make time for outdoor play.

• School-agers(6 and up).By this age group, most children understand four basic facts about death - death is permanent, death cannot be reversed, all life functions stop when a person dies, and death happens to every living thing. School-aged children might express fears about their own death.

If it is a parent who has died, some children in this age group may worry that they did something to cause the death. They may worry every time they get sick or when they go to sleep that they will die. They might also worry that the surviving parent will die. To help this age group, encourage them to share their worries and reassure them.

Adults dealing with the intense grief of losing a spouse might not have the emotional strength to help their children deal with the death.² Some adults avoid talking to children about a death because they don't know what to say and fear upsetting them.² Occasionally adults try to protect children from the death, thinking they can spare them from the pain or believing they are too young to understand.² But children will feel grief whether they are excluded or not.²

Diane Bales offers several ways adults can help children grieve the death of a parent:

• Use careful word choice that tells the truth. Children take what you say literally. If you use the word "sleeping" to describe death, some children may become afraid to go to sleep. If the death results from an illness, stress that the parent was very, very sick. Otherwise, the child may be afraid of routine illness.

• Be honest about your feelings. It's all right for children to see adults cry. Allow them to know that those who are grieving feel sad, angry, or lonely. Let children share their own feelings and cry. But don't make them feel bad if they don’t want to or don't need to cry.

• Provide words to explain feelings. Children often don't have the vocabulary to express their feelings. If you use descriptive words to describe your own feelings, such as angry, sad, and lonely, you can help children explain what they feel. Reading children’s books about death can also help children learn how to express their feelings.

• Give non-verbal opportunities to express emotions. Offer children different kinds of outlets for expressing negative emotions. Music, dance, writing, art, or physical play can all help them release emotions. Some children express themselves better through actions than words.

• Give assurance. Let children know that they have a safe home and secure place to live.

• Share religious beliefs. Talk about your beliefs about God and heaven. But remember that children are literal. If you say "God loved Mommy so much that he took her to heaven," you might trigger fear that the child will die if God loves him.

• Help memorialize the deceased. Continue to display photos of the parent or loved one who has died. Talk about him or her. Help children plant flowers or a tree as a reminder of the loved one.

• Understand that children's grief has cycles. As children grow and enter new stages of development, they might experience their grief in new ways. A child who lost a parent as a preschooler might experience a new level of grief as she enters middle school and begins to understand more fully what death is. When she graduates from high school, she might experience new grief at not having a parent present for such an important event.

Conclusion

Death poses the most stressful life event most families will face. But much can be done to provide support and comfort for those grieving the death of a loved one. Both the bereaved and those supporting them can benefit from understanding the grieving process and from searching for meaning in the loss of a loved one.

Written by Jaelynn R. Jenkins, Research Assistant, edited by Susanne Olson Roper and Stephen F. Duncan, professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Additional Resources

The following Web sites might be helpful to those experiencing a loss:

Journey of Hearts: An online healing place for anyone grieving a loss

Cruse Bereavement Care

References

1. Attig, T. (2001). Relearning the world: Making and finding meanings. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
2. Bales, D. (2003). Grandparents raising grandchildren. Putting Knowledge to Work.
3. Becvar, D. S. (2001). In the presence of grief: Helping family members resolve death, dying, and bereavement issues. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
4. Bonanno, G. A. (2001). Grief and emotion: A social-functional perspective. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
5. Carroll, J. S., Robinson, W. D., Marshall, E. S., Callister, L. C., Olsen, S. F., Dyches, T. T., & Mandleco, B. (2000). The family crucibles of illness, disability, death, and other losses. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the family (pp. 278-292). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
6. Fletcher, P. N. (2002). Experiences in family bereavement. Family and Community Health, 25, 57-70.
7. Gilbert, K. R. (1996). We've had the same loss, why don't we have the same grief? Loss and differential grief in families. Death Studies, 20, 269-283.
8. Greeff, A. P. (2004). Resilience in families in which a parent has died. American Journal of Family Therapy, 32, 27-42.
9. Horacek, B. J. (1995). A heuristic model of grieving after high-grief deaths. Death Studies, 19, 21-31.
10. McKenry, P. C., & Price, S. J. (2005). Families and change: Coping with stressful events and transitions. Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.
11. Murray, J. A. (2001). Loss as a universal concept: A review of the literature to identify common aspects of loss in adverse situations. Journal of Loss & Trauma, 6, 219-241.
12. Nadeau, J. W. (2001). Family construction of meaning. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
13. Parkes, C. M. (2001). A historical overview of the scientific study of bereavement. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
14. Schoka, T. E., Hayslip, B. Jr., Kaminski, P. L, & York, C. (2003). Relationships between grief and family system characteristics: A cross-lagged longitudinal analysis. Death Studies, 27, 575-601.
15. Shapiro, E. R. (2001). Grief in interpersonal perspective: Theories and their implications. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Death is a universal transition that we will all experience. "Because of the Fall of Adam, all mankind will suffer physical death".⁹ However, through Christ’s atonement, death can be overcome.⁹ The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that the "divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave" (¶ 3).

Diminishing the Sting of Death

In an imperfect world where loved ones are often lost to death, an understanding of the plan of salvation can ease the sting of death.⁵ While the pain of loss is intense, D. Allen Andersen stated:

"There is, in fact, no effective way to comprehend or cope with all the difficulties of this life without faith in a loving Heavenly Father and without understanding the plan of salvation and the reality of a premortal and postmortal existence."¹

Some may find themselves questioning God, His plan, and why He allows loved ones to be taken away. Elder M. Russell Ballard helped with these questions when he described God's plan:

"The answer is not easy, but it isn’t complicated either. God has put his plan in motion. It proceeds through natural laws that are in fact God's laws. Since they are his, he is bound by them, as are we. For the most part, however, he does not cause but he allows nature to run its course. In this imperfect world, bad things sometimes happen."²

Additional understanding of death can be gained from Elder Merrill J. Bateman:

"Death, even if accidental, must be a part of the plan. Developing faith in and coming to know one's Maker is at the core of the plan. Having hope with regard to one's eternal destiny and experiencing joy must also be part of life's purpose."⁴

Each individual goes through his or her individual grieving process. "The gospel of Jesus Christ provides a firm directional course for families to follow as they move along their own personal pathways to healing".⁵ Sister Patricia P. Pinegar, former Primary General President, taught, "First, we must have complete trust in our Father's plan of happiness and our Savior’s part in that plan".⁸

Carroll and his colleagues explained two important doctrinal truths about the Savior's atonement that can help those suffering after the loss of a loved one:

"First, the Savior's Atonement's healing power is not only for overcoming the effects of sin, but also extends to the entire range of mortal suffering and adversity... The second truth... is that because the Savior has experienced the complete range of human suffering and loss, He is uniquely able to comprehend our pain and succor us in our times of personal suffering".⁵

Healing from the wounds of losing a loved one is a process that continues throughout life, and the grieving may never find complete resolution after the death of a loved one. There is no cure or total removal of suffering.⁵ Pain can be assuaged, though, as individuals seek to understand the Lord’s divine purposes in their lives.⁵ Healing can come from belief and hope in the promised resurrection.⁵ Elder Dallin H. Oaks said of the resurrection:

"The assurance that the resurrection will include an opportunity to be with our family members -- husband, wife, parents, brothers and sisters, children, and grandchildren -- is a powerful encouragement for us to fulfill our family responsibilities in mortality. It helps us live together in love in this life in anticipation of joyful reunions and associations in the next".⁷

Elder Oaks continued that knowledge of the resurrection and the promise of immortality give hope to the grieving:

"The assurance of immortality also helps us bear the mortal separations involved in the death of our loved ones. Every one of us has wept at a death, grieved through a funeral, or stood in pain at a graveside... We should all praise God for the assured resurrection that makes our mortal separations temporary and gives us the hope and strength to carry on".⁷

Healing from the Anguish of Suicide

For some, the suicide of a loved one raises concerns about the eternal welfare of the person who took his or her life. Elder Ballard gives comfort and reassurance in his article Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not, based on a talk he gave at the funeral of a friend who had committed suicide:

"Peace came to me only when I recognized that only the Lord could administer fair judgment. He alone had all the facts, and only He would know the intent of the heart of my friend. I was reconciled with the idea that a lifetime of goodness and service to others must surely be considered by the Lord in judging the life of a person".³

Elder Ballard goes on to say:

"I feel that judgment for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, "Thou shalt not kill." Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? Civil law recognizes that there are gradations in this matter -- from accidental manslaughter to self-defense to first-degree murder. I feel that the Lord also recognizes differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance that led to despair and a loss of self-control?

"Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth".³

Mourning with Those Who Mourn

As a covenant people, we have the privilege of mourning and comforting those who are in need.⁵ Elder Russell M. Nelson offered insights into mourning when he said, "Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love."⁶

Conclusion

Gospel teachings can help us understand that death is part of the Lord's plan for mortality. They offer comfort as we come to believe that death is only a temporary parting and that we will be reunited with our loved ones. This expanded understanding can help us "realize more fully the two greatest resources of healing we have been given in this life: the gospel of Jesus Christ and our families".⁵

Written by Jaelynn R. Jenkins, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Anderson, D. A. (2005, July). Messages from the Doctrine and Covenants: Why adversity?, Ensign, 8-11.
2. Ballard, M. R. (1995, May). Answers to life's questions. Ensign, 22.
3. Ballard, M. R. (1987, Oct.) Suicide: Some things we know, and some we do not. Ensign, 6.
4. Bateman, M. J. (1995, May). The power to heal from within. Ensign, 13.
5. Carroll, J. S., Robinson W. D., Marshall E. S., Callister L. C., Olsen S. F., Dyches T. T.,& Mandleco, B. (2000). The family crucibles of illness, disability, death, and other losses. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the family (pp. 278-292). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
6. Nelson, R. M. (1992, May). Doors of death. Ensign, 72.
7. Oaks, D. H. (2000, May, 14). Resurrection. Ensign, 14.
8. Pinegar, P. P. (1999, Nov). Peace, hope, and direction. Ensign, 67.
9. Tingey, E. C. (2006, May). The great plan of happiness. Ensign, 72-74.