Increasing Intimacy in Marriage

What Is Marital Intimacy?

Intimacy is the closeness of your relationship with your spouse -- emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, sexually, and in many other ways. Intimacy is not an end goal but rather a journey that lasts throughout your marriage. Marriage and family researchers Schaefer and Olson describe attaining intimacy as “a process that occurs over time and is never completed or fully accomplished".²⁷ As you both grow and develop, each of you changes. If you neglect intimacy in your marriage, you will grow apart. The time to work on intimacy is now.

Benefits of Intimacy in Marriage

Studies show that marriage offers many benefits. According to Olson and Olson,"Married people tend to be healthier, live longer, have more wealth and economic assets, and have more satisfying sexual relationships than single or cohabiting individuals. In addition, children generally do better emotionally and academically when they are raised in two-parent families".²¹

The physical benefits are widely supported by research. Several recent studies, for example, found heart benefits that are particularly dramatic for men. At Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, researchers assessing the marital intimacy of 10,000 married couples asked the husbands: "Does your wife show you her love?" The husbands who answered yes reported having significantly less chest pain within the next five years than the men who answered "no".²² In another study of 119 men and 40 women, Yale scientists found that husbands who reported feeling loved and supported by their wives had less artery-blockage than those who did not (Ornish).

Mental health is also better for couples with healthy intimacy. Researchers Firestone and Catlett say, "In our opinion, love is the one force that is capable of easing [depression]".¹⁰

(For detailed discussion of marital benefits, see Making the Case for Marriage on this website.)

Forms of Intimacy

Intimacy can have different meanings for men and a women, however Stahmann, Young, and Grover note that "all human beings have the basic need to be intimate and close with another person".²⁹ Women are often portrayed as having the desire for emotional intimacy while men are portrayed as only having a desire for sexual intimacy. However, intimacy can take many forms, including the following:

• Emotional intimacy is the closeness created through sharing feelings. Because girls are encouraged to recognize and express their emotions from an early age, women generally understand emotions better than men. Unfortunately, society tends to discourage men from feeling or showing emotion. Men who didn't learn how to be emotionally intimate while growing up can learn as adults. If they do, their marriages will be stronger and healthier.

The first step to emotional awareness is to pay attention to your feelings, identify them, and think of possible reasons for them. Work on noticing the differences between strong emotions such as terror and fury and the differences between more subtle emotions such as anxiety, insecurity, and irritation.

Emotional intimacy can occur once people know what they are feeling, convey those feelings to each other, and express concern and understanding of their feelings to each other.

• Mental or intellectual intimacy involves a mutual understanding about all the important issues in your marriage. Setting goals together is one way to further intellectual intimacy. For example, you might set goals to improve your intimacy, to save a certain amount of money, or to go for daily walks together.
• Spiritual intimacy involves sharing religious beliefs and observing religious practices together, such as praying and attending church. As you share spiritual experiences, you will become united in your attitudes and goals. Wheat suggests that couples become active in a church where they can learn, grow, and serve God along with others.³³ (If you and your spouse struggle with differing religious beliefs, see the article on this website, .)
• Recreational intimacy is enjoying activities together, like running, golfing, or reading. Things as simple as popping popcorn and watching a movie or preparing a meal together can be good ways to build recreational intimacy.
• Financial or monetary intimacy comes with discussing and sharing your finances. If you have separate accounts and separate incomes, you probably lack financial intimacy in your relationship.^{27, 30, 33}
• Sexual intimacy is one of the most important dimensions of healthy marital intimacy. Healthy sexual intimacy includes sexual frequency that both partners are satisfied with, sexual activities both partners enjoy, and an open dialogue about sex. Olson and Olson say, "A major strength for happily married couples is the quality of the sexual relationship".²¹ They found in their research that the most common sexual concern is differing levels of interest in sex. Happier couples tend to agree in their definition of sexual satisfaction and have fewer worries about their sex lives than unhappy couples. More than half of all married couples, they note, have trouble discussing sexual issues.

Characteristics of Intimacy

Relationships with healthy intimacy have several factors in common, including the following:

• Mutual trust builds a sense of security for both spouses. You can show it by having no desire to injure your spouse in any way. Though you might unintentionally cause hurt, you won't hurt one another on purpose.
• Tenderness includes gentle expressions of caring. Through touch you can express your love to your partner. This affectionate contact "is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love".³³
• Acceptance is unconditional approval in a relationship. No one is perfect, but acceptance means not holding weaknesses against one other. If you find yourself frequently pointing out your spouse's faults, work on focusing instead on the qualities you fell in love with.
• Open communication is the ability to discuss anything with your spouse. It includes sincere expression of thoughts and feelings as well as careful listening. Signs of poor communication include feeling reluctant to tell your spouse about the events of your day or being unwilling to listen when your spouse is explaining how he or she feels.
• Caring is genuine concern for your spouse's well-being. If you do things you know hurt your spouse, you cannot have healthy intimacy. You can develop a more caring heart and mind by learning to think of your spouse's feelings before your own. Always ask yourself before acting or speaking, "If I do this or say this, will I hurt my spouse?"
• Apologies are the remedy for mistakes that spouses inevitably make. Recognizing mistakes, taking responsibility for them, expressing remorse for any hurt caused, and making a commitment to change the hurtful behavior are all essential to mending the relationship after a mistake. For spouses who have created a chasm of hurts that separate them, offering a sincere and humble apology is the first step in building a bridge over that chasm. Even if you believe that your partner made the mistake, you can begin the healing by finding something you did that calls for an apology.
• Forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger, desire for revenge, and obsessive thinking about times your spouse has hurt you. It includes giving your spouse permission to have weaknesses, make mistakes, and change. Seeing the goodness and strengths of your spouse along with the weaknesses can open up emotional space for good will to build toward your spouse. Forgiveness does not automatically create trust or reconciliation, nor does it mean you approve of bad behavior. But it is an important early step toward rebuilding a fractured relationship.
• Appropriate boundaries are the limits you place on a relationship. The limits can be created individually or as a couple. These limits include saying "no" when your spouse asks you to do something that goes against your values or is more than you can handle. Setting firm, clear boundaries for yourself and respecting the boundaries of your partner create feelings of safety and trust. If your relationship is in trouble, one or both of you might decide to write a "Bill of Rights" that clearly defines the conditions necessary for staying in the relationship. For example, one woman told her husband that she would stay in the marriage only if there was (1) mutual respect, (2) no drinking/drugs, (3) no hitting or emotional abuse, (4) no name-calling, and (5) no cheating/affairs.

Can There Be Too Much Togetherness?

When we think of intimacy, we might think we can't get too much of a good thing. But sometimes spouses forget the need for separate time and may spend too much time together. If a spouse feels guilty about spending any free time alone or with friends, he or she might begin to feel constrained in the relationship. Usually this feeling doesn't mean love has diminished, only that a healthy sense of self has gotten lost.

Most intimacy needs can be met through a spouse or significant other, but no one person can meet all of our needs. A husband, for example, might find his wife wonderful confidante for his insecurities and dreams but not a good companion for sports events. For a night at the hockey rink, he'll need to go with a brother or friends. A wife may need a regular night out with friends so she can do things that don't interest her husband, like shopping or scrap-booking.

Healthy intimacy includes pursuing some of your own interests independent of your spouse and encouraging your spouse to do the same. These pursuits should not get in the way of building intimacy or involve inappropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex. Spending reasonable time on personal interests helps each partner be happier and a more interesting and well-rounded companion.

Interdependence

Imagine for a moment that you and your spouse are standing with the palms of your hands together and leaning against each other with all of your weight. Together, you look like an upside-down "V." If one of you becomes tired and stops leaning, the other topples over. Similarly, a spouse who depends completely on the other person runs the risk of exhausting the partner and causing him or her to back away. Without the other spouse's support, the dependent spouse would crumble to the ground. Now imagine that you and your spouse are standing up straight and holding hands. You lean in a little, but only enough that you support a portion of one another's weight. If one or the other or you moves, you won't fall. You're responsible for most of your own weight, but you're still connected to your spouse and lean in for extra support from time to time.

As this analogy shows, over-dependence in marriage can lead spouses to become tired and resentful of carrying the burden for the other's happiness. Over-dependence creates feelings of powerlessness and weakness because your happiness is in someone else's hands. Complete independence is also unhealthy because it causes spouses to feel unneeded and lonely. Interdependence is a balance between over-dependence and independence. In an interdependent marriage, spouses feel needed without being overburdened. They feel a sense of freedom and power, understanding that their happiness is in their control and not in the hands of another person.

Suggestions for Developing Intimacy

Developing intimacy is much like gaining muscle. Just as a body builder regularly goes to the gym and works on specific muscles, you must regularly work on the different types of intimacy in your relationship. Olson and Olson say, "You must take care of your marriage as you would any living thing if you want it to thrive".²¹

The first step to increasing intimacy is to evaluate where you are. After you and your spouse read this article, talk about how close you are in the different forms of intimacy and how well you communicate. If you find yourselves lacking in some areas, discuss ideas for improvement as guided by the information below.

Understand the Different Love Languages

Chapman suggests there are five different love languages: (1) words of affirmation such as compliments and appreciation, (2) quality time, (3) receiving gifts, (4) acts of service, and (5) physical touch. He says that what is considered an act of love differs for each person, so "we must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love".⁴

When you give love in a different language than your spouse understands, he or she may not recognize the message as an act of love. For example, a husband might compliment his wife on how beautiful he thinks she is, and she might respond, “If you really loved me, you'd help more with the kids and housework." She's telling him that in her "love language," she feels loved more if he eases her household burden than if he compliments her. To communicate his love effectively, he needs to speak "her language," which means helping more with the kids and housework.

If you’re not willing to learn your spouse's love language, chances are you'll create distance in your marriage. The husband in the above story, for example, could open a rift if he responded to her remark with, "I don't know if you love or need me anymore. Ever since we had children, you give all your attention to them. If you really cared, you'd give more attention to me." Both husband and wife then start wondering why their spouse doesn't see how much they give to the relationship. Eventually, feeling discouraged and unappreciated, each might unwittingly create distance in the relationship.

The good news is that you can learn to "speak" and understand different love languages. You don't have to read your spouse's mind to determine his or her primary love language. You can learn what it is by asking what expressions of love mean the most to him/her. For instance, would she prefer flowers, a back rub, or you doing the dishes? Would he rather go on a hike together, be given a hug and kiss, or be complimented on how hard he works at his job?

Do the Things that Build Intimacy

Below is a list of actions that create intimacy, adapted from a list by the Relationship Institute²⁴. Discuss these ideas with your spouse and try to learn more about his or her love language. Talk about obstacles that might be getting in the way of your relationship. Come up with ideas for how you can work together to improve your marital intimacy.

• Regularly express caring and tenderness as defined by your partner. Surprise him with spontaneous acts of kindness. Buy her a present for no particular reason. Create regular time alone together, such as a weekend vacation without the kids, a weekly date night, or frequent walks together. Make sure you give consistent attention to one another and the relationship. Make time for passion, excitement, and fun together.
• Be affectionate. Give frequent small gestures of affection, such as a touch on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand, or a peck on the cheek. Take the time to cuddle, hug, and kiss without always moving on to sexual intimacy.
• Genuinely respect one another and the relationship. Accept your partner's personality and characteristics. When you're annoyed by something, don't let the annoying behavior become a negative label of his entire character. Instead, focus on his good qualities. For example, switch from thinking "He always leaves his shoes in the living-room -- he's so lazy!" to "He may forget to clean up sometimes, but he really is a loving, caring husband."
• Communicate. Express your feelings regularly, resolve anger or resentment rather than let it fester, and communicate realistic expectations. Take the time to listen to what your spouse thinks and feels. Avoid mind reading -- making assumptions -- by checking your understanding with your spouse. Ask for what you want, be positive, and find solutions to problems rather than let them build.
• Live in the present while envisioning a positive future together. Avoid focusing on past mistakes that are no longer relevant. Focus on what you want your relationship to be like, and work together toward that vision. Some couples enjoy displaying art work or photos in their home that represent the vision they have for their marriage.
• Promote your spouse's growth as an individual. Be supportive of your spouse's wishes and dreams and help him or her achieve them. Encourage your spouse's growth through education, learning, and life experiences.
• Say and do what is truthful and honest for you. Be honest and straightforward with your spouse.
• Promote physical and emotional safety. When your spouse feels physically and emotionally secure, he or she will feel safe being close to you and expressing honest thoughts and feelings with you. Physical aggression and verbal abuse destroy this feeling of safety and are never acceptable. Abuse includes name-calling, put-downs, contempt, forcing your spouse to do something, intimidating, and hitting.
• Take responsibility for your relationship and your life problems. Rather than blame your spouse for your relationship problems, focus on what you can do to improve your marriage. Each person has enormous, untapped power within, and something almost magical happens when you think about what you can do, what you have, and what you feel instead of what you can't do, don't have, or don't feel.

Increase Communication Skills

Healthy communication is vital to developing and maintaining intimacy. According to Olson and Olson, "Communication is the one crucial ingredient that defines a relationship... [and] remains the key skill for maintaining intimacy".²¹

Healthy communication is clear, open, honest, direct, and appropriate. When marital communication is healthy, good feelings between spouses increase and problems resolve more easily. Communication makes it possible for your spouse to know you. It's the tool for expressing love and support and for working through problems.

Basic communication patterns are established during the first few years of courtship and marriage and often remain fairly stable throughout a marriage. You might find that after being married a few years you can generally predict how your spouse will respond to your comments. You know what will please her and what will make her angry, frustrated, or annoyed.

Marriage researchers Gottman and Levenson have found that the positive or negative feelings spouses experience when they talk together have a far greater effect on marital stability than what is actually said.¹³ They discovered that couples who had five times more pleasant (feel-good) experiences with their spouses than unpleasant (feel-bad) experiences had significantly more stable marriages. Gottman and Levenson call this the "ratio of positivity to negativity."¹³ This ratio teaches us that (1) it is important to pay attention to our spouse's feelings when we're talking, and (2) we should regularly express much more love and acceptance than criticism to our spouses - at least five times more.

Ask yourself the following question: "Do I ever speak with my spouse in such a way that he or she feels put down, blamed, or rejected?" If your answer is '"yes,“ follow up with this question: "How can I speak in ways that will help my spouse feel more understood, loved, and respected, even when I have a complaint?"

This article touches only briefly on the subject of communication in marriage. For more information, consult John Gottman and Nan Silvers's book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.¹² Another resource is a workshop called Couple Communication. Its purpose is to improve day-to-day communication, learn how to resolve issues in the marriage, and increase marital satisfaction. For further information on where the workshop is available and costs call 1-800-328-5099 or go to www.couplecommunication.com.

Give Compliments and Express Appreciation

Offering compliments and appreciation are powerful ways to increase good feelings in your marriage. Olson and Olson say, "Giving your spouse at least one compliment each day may sound simplistic, but it can have a remarkable effect on your relationship".²¹ Complimenting your spouse helps him feel loved and admired.

Be Self-Disclosing

Self-disclosure is "making yourself known to [your spouse] by verbally revealing personal information".²³ Discussing deep personal information with one another is a bonding experience. It can also be threatening because it opens you up to judgment and criticism. But in a healthy marriage, you can trust completely that your spouse will never use any information you disclose to injure you. As you reveal who you are, sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, you will come to truly know one another.

Because you and your spouse are always experiencing new things, you're both constantly changing and so is your relationship. When you don't share current feelings with your spouse, he or she can't share your life. If you want to be understood, you must help your spouse understand you. It's not always easy to talk about deep experiences and feelings or even to know what to share. The Family Centre suggests self-disclosure conversation starters listed below. Allow these starting points to increase the self-disclosure in your marriage.⁹

• The kind of relationship we have is. . .
• One way in which we are alike, is. . .
• One way in which we are different, is. . .
• If our relationship were a movie it would be called. . .
• The needs you satisfy in me are. . .
• I feel most tender towards you when. . .
• What I like best in our relationship is. . .
• In the future, I would like our relationship to become more. . .
• In five years, I see us. . .
• Some of my needs that are not being completely satisfied are. . .
• Something you have helped me learn about myself is. . .
• One of the feelings with which I have most trouble is. . .
• I have most fun with you when. . . .
• Try the “Magic 50 Minutes a Week"

Olson and Olson suggest that couples set aside five minutes a day and fifteen minutes on the weekend to discuss three questions:

• What did you enjoy most about your relationship today?
• What was dissatisfying about your relationship today?
• How could things be made better for each of you?²¹

Handle Unresolved Anger

One of the greatest contributors to marital distance is ongoing unresolved anger. Lashing out with name-calling, negative labels (lazy, stupid, selfish, etc.), and words intended to hurt, such as "I never loved you," can cause great pain in marriages. Lashing out, as harmful as it is, can look like its working because it gives us a sense of power, disguises feelings of helplessness, and temporarily numbs our hurt feelings. But in the long run lashing out creates further conflict and distance. In fact, Gottman and Levenson found that frequent angry expressions are a strong predictor of divorce, even expressions that might seem milder, such as disgust, contempt, and stonewalling (the silent treatment).¹³

Complete suppression of anger isn't healthy either. Disagreements may be hidden temporarily, but over time suppressed anger often turns into resentment, indirect expressions of anger like guilt-tripping and ignoring, or explosions of rage. "When we suppress, deny, and disguise anger, we do not rid ourselves of it. Rather the anger lingers as growing hostility".⁵

The answer is to neither lash out nor suppress, but rather to "bridle" your anger - which means to express angry feelings in a calm and non-confrontational way. Communicating dissatisfaction in a straightforward and constructive way is not a bad thing in marriage. In fact, if done appropriately, it can lead to increased understanding, new solutions, and closer intimacy.

If you’re angry enough, though, you might not be able to discuss the problem constructively. Gottman's research indicates that when people become very angry or distressed in an argument, their pulse rate increases and their body enters a stage of fight or flight.¹¹ You'd have the same fight or flight reaction if you were about to get shot or eaten by a bear. Your body gets ready to duke it out or run for dear life. When you're in this state you’re not in a good frame of mind for talking about sensitive issues. Instead of talking, take a moment to cool off. Use the old adage "take a deep breath and count to ten."

When anger is especially intense, you'll need more than 10 seconds to simmer down. For these situations, follow the suggestions below, adapted from Gottman:¹¹

• Tell your spouse you need time to cool off. If you think your spouse is the one who needs to cool off, don't call the time out for him or her. Say you feel uncomfortable talking right now and need some time to think.
• Set a time to talk about the subject again.
• Separate yourself physically from your spouse by going into another room or sitting on the other side of the room.
• While you're separated, soothe yourself by thinking calming thoughts or doing relaxing activities. Don't rehash in your mind all the reasons you're mad at your spouse.
• Come back at the appointed time to discuss the issue. If you're still too angry to talk, set a new time to come back and start the process over again.

After you calm down, you'll be ready to discuss the issue. Always begin with an "I" statement, which helps you express your own feelings rather than place blame on your spouse. For example, if your spouse said something that upset you, say, "I felt hurt by. . . ." Once you're conversing, listen carefully, repeat back what you think you heard to make sure you've understood, and double-check your understanding by asking questions like "Is this what you mean?" When expressing complaints, it's especially important to validate your spouse's worth.

For further information on communication skills see the articles, Handling Conflict in Marriage and Solving Your "Solvable Problems" on this website.

Not all problems can be worked out. Even with perfect communication, some problems will remain unsolvable (see Moving from Gridlock to Dialogue). The important thing is that you're able to maintain positive feelings toward one another even if you can't agree.

For more information on bridling anger and resolving anger issues, see the article Bridling Anger on this website.

Offer Apologies and Be Forgiving (Revisited)

Apologies and forgiveness are two of the most powerful ways you can heal pain in your marriage. They allow both husbands and wives to learn from their mistakes and start anew. Often people are reluctant to apologize because they think doing so will mark them as a flawed person. Feeling flawed leads to feelings of shame, which people always try to avoid. Understanding the difference between guilt and shame can help, say researchers Harper and Hoopes.¹⁴ We feel guilt when we recognize a flawed behavior and we feel shame when we see a flawed self. Guilt helps us feel sorry for making a mistake but does not decrease our feelings of self-worth. Shame generalizes a mistake to our entire self, making us feel like we're unworthy, unlovable, and a failure. Many people who feel a lot of shame are afraid to apologize for fear that if they admit their weaknesses, their spouse will respect them less. What they don’t realize is that expressing remorse for past mistakes usually connects people rather than distances them. Since we all have weaknesses, we are comforted when we see others have them, too.

If you’ve hurt your spouse and want to repair the damage, consider writing an apology letter. You might include things like: (1) how you believe you have hurt your spouse, (2) the sorrow you feel over having caused the hurt (leave out excuses for your behavior), (3) what you would do differently if given another chance, (4) a request for forgiveness when the person is ready but not a demand or expectation of forgiveness, and (5) a commitment to how you will behave differently in the future. If you follow through with your commitment to change, trust will rebuild over time.

Forgiveness does not require an apology, and an apology doesn't require forgiveness. But if the relationship has been harmed and you want intimacy restored, both apologies and forgiveness need to happen. Think of each as half of the relationship bridge. Some days you will need to say "I'm sorry" to rebuild the bridge and other days you will need to say "I forgive you." Bishop and Grunte state:

Forgiveness remains a challenge to everyone--except maybe hermits. Despite periods of goodwill toward all, nobody gets to stay an expert forgiver. No sooner do we pat ourselves on the back for the high degree of enlightenment that we've attained than we find ourselves stuck in some hugely petty attitude that persists in thumbing its nose at us for hours or months.¹

Bishop and Grunte add that deep emotional wounds tend to take much more time to heal than everyday squabbles. Letting go of anger and resentment from such wounds happens in slow stages and sometimes only with the help of a higher power. When there are significant relationship injuries, such as infidelity, marital therapy and help from spiritual leaders may be needed. To learn more about forgiveness, read How to Forgive When You Don't Know How, by Jacqui Bishop and Mary Grunte.¹ When infidelity is the issue, read After the Affair, by Janis Abrahms Spring).²⁸

Improve the Sexual Health of Your Marriage

Research consistently shows a link between sexual satisfaction and the quality of a marital relationship. When overall happiness in the marital relationship is higher, so is sexual satisfaction, especially for women.^{2, 3, 7} Hawton found the marital relationship to be the most important contributor to women’s enjoyment of sex.¹⁵ Men often discover that when their wives feel loved outside the bedroom, they will respond more inside the bedroom. Similarly, Weiner-Davis find that when wives are sexually responsive to their husbands, their husbands are more open to helping in areas outside the bedroom, such as with the housework.³⁵

None of these findings means that you should behave in ways inside or outside the bedroom that manipulate your spouse into doing something you want. Rather, use these principles to increase the intimacy in your marriage.

For both men and women, meaningful and satisfying sexual experiences require a safe and nurturing emotional environment. In relationships with mutual trust, tenderness, acceptance, open communication, caring, and forgiveness, spouses feel free to try new things, be vulnerable, learn from mistakes, and express and receive gestures of love. Sexual problems are higher in relationships that have power struggles, resentments, conflict, fear of making mistakes, and feelings of being rejected, used, or not good enough.³⁴

Not all sexual problems result from a poor relationship, but many if not most do. Simply put, improve your relationship and you'll improve your sex life. Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny offer these practical suggestions for improving sexual intimacy:²⁰

• Good sex begins while your clothes are still on. You can't have good sex without a good relationship. If you improve intimacy in other areas, you can dramatically improve your sexual intimacy.
• Take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure.
• Talk with your spouse about sex.
• Make time for regular sex.
• Don't let sex become routine. Allow plenty of time to make sex fun for you and your spouse.
• Use fantasy, such as role-playing. This can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
• Don't carry anger into your bedroom.
• Realize that good sex isn't just technique.
• Nurture the romance in your life.
• Don't make sex too serious.
• Don't always wait to be "in the mood" before agreeing to have sex. Foreplay can help create the mood.
• Realize that you and your spouse don't have to agree about everything involving sex.
• Don't be afraid to ask your spouse for help.
• Try to keep your sexual expectations realistic.

Common Sexual Problems

Sexual problems are not always related to relationship quality. Other factors can lead to problems in sexual functioning, such as stress, lack of education or experience, time-constraints, exhaustion, aging, previous unpleasant sexual experiences, and biological problems. Almost half of all couples experience some kind of sexual problems in their lifetime.

In a sample of 1,768 men and women in the United Kingdom aged 18 to 75, Dunn, Croft, and Hackett separated sexual problems into categories. For men, the most common sexual complaints were erectile problems (48%), sex not being pleasurable (45%), and premature ejaculation (43%).⁶ For women, the complaints were arousal problems (54%), sex not being pleasurable (47%), orgasmic dysfunction (40%), painful intercourse (24%), and vaginal problems (22%).¹⁸ Laumann and colleagues state:

Sexual problems are most common among young women and older men. Several factors may explain these differential rates. . . . [Young women's relationship] instability, coupled with inexperience, generates stressful sexual encounters, providing the basis for sexual pain and anxiety. Young men are not similarly affected. Older men are more likely to have trouble maintaining an erection and to lack an interest in sex. Low sexual interest and erection problems are age-dependent disorders, possibly resulting from physiological changes associated with the aging process.

Some sexual problems seem to affect sexual satisfaction more than others. Results from the U.S. National Health and Social Life Survey indicate that sexual problems most related to sexual dissatisfaction are low desire, men's erectile problems, and women's inability to become aroused.¹⁸ It is important to note, however, that having sexual problems does not always drastically decrease sexual satisfaction. In a study published by the New England Journal of Medicine, 80% of couples studied said they were happy with their sexual relationship even though 63% of the women reported arousal or orgasmic problems and 40% of the men said they had erectile or ejaculatory difficulties.⁸

Dealing with Sexual Problems

Many resources are available to help couples struggling with sexual problems. The least expensive and least intrusive resources are self-help books and websites. These resources can provide basic education and give suggestions for common problems (see suggested self-help readings at the end of this article). When self-help isn't enough, marital and sex therapy can be helpful.

Sex therapy helps couples work through conflicts, distorted beliefs, sexual myths, boredom, frequency debates, performance anxiety, aging issues, and other stresses that may be interfering in their sexual relationship. In 1984, Brecher found marital happiness was related with couples' ability to talk about sexual issues. Couples who have trouble talking about sex can learn in therapy to talk more openly. Sarwer and Durlak reported a 65% success rate for couples seeking weekly sessions of sex therapy, which included education, communication skills training, and sensate focus exercises.²⁶

Initially developed by Masters and Johnson, sensate focus exercises are assigned to couples to do at home.¹⁹ The exercises teach couples to approach physical intimacy in a slow, non-threatening way. In the early stages of sensate focus, couples engage in non-sexual touch (like backrubs or holding hands). This step helps those who are anxious about sexual performance to relax. It also teaches couples that there are more ways to be physically intimate than having sex. As couples become more comfortable with non-sexual touch, they are then assigned to engage in more erotic kinds of touch (mutually agreed upon by the couple) and eventually sexual intercourse. Sensate focus exercises can be particularly useful when one of the spouses has experienced past sexual abuse or trauma.

Sometimes, sexual problems require medical attention. Before beginning any kind of sex therapy, it's wise to get a checkup from your physician. When medical complications are the problem, minor surgery, medication, or medical sex therapy provided at specialized clinics can usually resolve the difficulty.

Choosing a Sex Therapist

Sex is a sensitive subject. If you're considering sex therapy, be cautious as you choose a therapist. Your relationship with him or her is one of the biggest predictors of success in therapy, so it is important that you make a good choice. Therapists have different specializations, approaches, and personalities. Not all therapists are specialists in working with marital and sexual problems. Ask potential therapists about their credentials and experience in marital and sex therapy. Many people try out several therapists for one or two sessions before deciding whom they feel most comfortable with. Once you choose a therapist, if you haven't seen progress within five to six sessions, discuss your concerns with the therapist.

Some sex therapists prescribe masturbation and erotic media to treat problems like painful intercourse, sexual trauma, and arousal difficulties. If you believe these practices are immoral, look for a therapist who respects your beliefs and your limits. Find one who will encourage you and your spouse to participate in activities you agree on and you both feel comfortable with.

Since sexual health is so connected to the quality of the marital relationship, sex therapy is generally not appropriate until major marital conflicts have been resolved. Don’t be surprised if your therapist recommends marital therapy as a first step before sex therapy.

Sexual Intimacy Self-help Resources

Below is a list of recommended books on sexual intimacy. They cover topics such as sexual anatomy, sexual response cycle, relational aspects of sex, suggested exercises, and tips on preparation for intercourse. Becoming One, The Act of Marriage, and A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds are geared toward conservative Christian audiences and focus on basic how-to information. The Sex-Starved Marriage spends less time on the how-to's and concentrates more on resolving conflicts about differences in levels of desire for sex.

• Becoming One, by Robert F. Stahmann, Wayne R. Young, & Julie G. Grover (2004).
• The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michelle Weiner-Davis (2003).
• A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds, by Douglas E. Rosenau (2002).
• The Act of Marriage, by Tim LaHaye & Beverly LaHaye (1998).

Marriage Enhancement Resources

Descriptions of marital enhancement programs and contact information are available in the article on this website. Another good resource for information on marriage enhancement iswww.smartmarriages.com. This website contains the most current information available. It is frequently being updated with articles written by some of the most well-known researchers in the field of marriage. You can search the articles for specific information.

Conclusion

Creating and maintaining intimacy is challenging, and it is well worth the effort. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke said:

It is also good to love, because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being; that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.¹⁰

After you have read this article as a couple, have a conversation about the level of intimacy in your relationship. Once you've determined where you need to improve, go to a library, bookstore, or website to find information that will help you tackle your issues. Read the information as a couple and brainstorm ways to customize the ideas to your marriage.

Marital enrichment programs, books, and counseling may not have all the answers, but they can provide new ideas and direction as you seek to strengthen your relationship. As you do, be sure you commit with absolute determination to build a stronger relationship. This determination will help you gain the humility to learn from past mistakes, repair relational wounds, work through problems, express tender feelings, and make the sacrifices necessary for creating a meaningful, satisfying, and intimate relationship.

Written by Derek Willis Hagey, Research Assistant, and Amber L. Brewer, Graduate Research Assistant, edited by Rachel V. Jamieson, Graduate Research Assistant, Robert F. Stahmann and Stephen F. Duncan, professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Bishop, J., & Grunte, M. (1998). How to forgive when you don't know how. New York: Station Hill Press.
2. Brecher, E. L. (1984). Sex and aging: A consumers' union report. Boston: Little, Brown.
3. Blumstein, P., & Schwartz, P. (1983). American couples. New York: Morrow.
4. Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.
5. Cox, F. D. (2002). Human intimacy: Marriage, the family, and its meaning. Belmont, CA: Wadworth/Thomson Learning.
6. Dunn, K. M., Croft, P. R., Hackett, G. I. (2000). Satisfaction in the sex life of a general population sample. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26, 141-151.
7. Edwards, J. N., & Booth, A. (1994). Sexuality, marriage, and well-being: The middle years. In A. S. Rossi (Ed.), Sexuality across the life course (pp. 233-259). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
8. Frank, E., Anderson, C., & Rubenstein, D. (1978). Frequency of sexual dysfunction in "normal" couples. New England Journal of Medicine, 299, 111-115.
9. The Family Centre. Intimacy in relationships.
10. Firestone, R. W., & Catlett, J. (1999). Fear of intimacy. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
11. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Co.
12. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). Seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.
13. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Process, 38(2), 143-158.
14. Harper, J. M., & Hoopes, M. H. (1990). Uncovering shame: An approach integrating individuals and their family systems. New York: W. W. Norton & Co.
15. Hawton, K., Gath, D., & Day, A. (1994). Sexual function in a community sample of middle-aged women with partners: Effects of age, marital, socioeconomic, psychiatric, gynecological, and menopausal factors. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 232, 375-395.
16. LaHaye, T., & LaHaye, B. (1998). The act of marriage: The beauty of sexual love. Colorado Springs, CO: Alive Communications, Inc.
17. Lauer, R. H., & Lauer, J. C. (1994). The quest for intimacy. Dubuque, IA: Brown and Benchmark.
18. Laumann, E., Paik, A., & Rosen, R. C. (1999). Sexual dysfunction in the United States: Prevalence and predictors. Journal of the American Medical Association, 281, 537-544.
19. Masters, W. H. & Johnson, V. (1970). Human sexual inadequacy. Boston: Little, Brown.
20. Masters, W. H., Johnson, V., & Kolodny, R. C. (1988). Masters & Johnson on sex and human loving. Boston: Little Brown.
21. Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000). Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis: Life Innovations Inc.
22. Ornish, D. (1998). Love and survival: The scientific basis for the healing power of intimacy. New York: HarperCollins.
23. Prager, K. J. (1995). The Psychology of intimacy. New York: The Guilford Press.
24. The Relationship Institute. Creating intimacy, creating distance.
25. Rosenau, D. E. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Inc.
26. Sarwer, D. B. & Durlack, J. A. (1997). A field trial of the effectiveness of behavioral treatment of sexual dysfunctions. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 23, 87-97.
27. Schaefer, M. T., & Olson, D. H. (1981). Assessing intimacy: The PAIR inventory. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 7, 47-60.
28. Spring, J. A. (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding the trust when a partner has been unfaithful. New York: Harper-Collins Publishers.
29. Stahmann, R.F., Young, W. R., & Grover, J. G. (2004). Becoming one: Intimacy in marriage. American Fork, UT: Covenant Communications.
30. Stanley, S., Trathen, D., McCain, S., & Bryan, M. (1998). A lasting promise: A Christian guide to fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.
31. Sternberg, R. (1987). Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories. Psychological Bulletin, 102, 331-45.
32. Walster, E. & Walster, W. (1978). A new look at love. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley.
33. Wheat, E. (1980). Love life: For every married couple. Grand Rapids, MI: Pyranee Books.
34. Wincze, J. P. & Carey, M. P. (2001). Sexual dysfunction: A guide for assessment and treatment. New York: Guilford Press.
35. Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Total Unity

Often discussions of intimacy in marriage focus on the divine purpose of procreation. In his well known lecture "Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments," Jeffery R. Holland highlights another aspect of marital intimacy that is equally as important.

[M]ay I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything.³

God gave to man and woman the sacred ability to join together completely as one body and spirit. Prophets and leaders of the church have explicitly stated that sex outside of marriage and inappropriate sex within marriage is destructive to the human soul and thus forbidden by God.

In her book titled Purity and Passion, Dr. Wendy Watson discusses unity in marital intimacy. She says: "True marital intimacy requires that your body and spirit be fully present".⁶ She goes on to discuss the power that can be obtained through total unity. She quotes Joseph Smith, "By union of feeling we obtain power with God". "Imagine what power is available as husbands and wives become more united--united in every respect. Power to bless their lives and their families!".

Love vs. Lust

In a society where gratuitous and illicit sex is so blatantly flaunted, it can be difficult to discern the difference between what is appropriate and what is not. Perhaps the media would have us believe that intimate encounters are strictly for the purpose of mutual physical pleasure, or even worse for the physical pleasure of the individual. Relationships based on physical attraction are doomed to fail. Victor L. Brown, Jr. states that “two people may marry for physical gratification and then discover that the illusion of union collapses under the weight of intellectual, social, and spiritual incompatibilities".²

Intimacy Is Private

While intimacy is a private matter, this does not mean that it should not be discussed between husband and wife. President Spencer W. Kimball taught the following:

Sometimes in marriage there are other cleavings, in spite of the fact that the Lord said, 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.' (D&C 42:22.)

This means just as completely that 'thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shall cleave unto him and none else.' Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers and their friends. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers for advice and counsel and to confide; whereas cleaving should be to the wife or husband in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others.⁴

Spouses should not discuss intimate matters outside of their relationship unless it is necessary, and should only do so with the knowledge of their partner.

An Appropriate Subject of Discussion

While intimacy is not a topic for the general public, Dr. Brent Barlow offers the following insights about discussing intimacy between a husband and wife.¹

Talking together about the physical dimensions of the relationship can help spouses get to know each other physically. Even partners who freely discuss finances, discipline of children, recreational activities, and so forth, often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just "naturally" work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true. While these intimacies, because of their sacred nature, should not be discussed with friends or other relatives, it is totally appropriate to discuss with a marriage partner.

In this regard, Elder Hugh B. Brown, a twentieth-century Apostle and member of the First Presidency, noted:

"Many marriages have been wrecked on the dangerous rocks of ignorant and debased sex behavior, both before and after marriage. Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes.

"Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. ...

"If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities, ... if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, ... much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided."²

Conversations about intimacy can be sensitive and perhaps difficult. Some couples may feel shy or afraid to bring up the topics of intimacy. A caring spouse may fear that by bringing up the topic they may hurt their partner's feelings. However, by approaching the topic with openness and love, spouses are more likely to navigate the conversation successfully. As Barlow points out, bringing up intimacy does not mean that something is wrong. Couples who are able to maintain all aspects of their relationships enjoy a stronger, fuller union.

References

1. Barlow, B. A. (1987, June). 'They twain shall be one': Thoughts on intimacy in marriage. Tambuli,27.
2. Brown Jr., V. L. (1981). Human intimacy: Illusion and reality. Salt Lake City, Utah: Parliament Publishers.
3. Holland, J. R. (1988). Of souls, symbols, and sacraments. Brigham Young University Devotional Address, Provo, Utah.
4. Kimball, S. W. (1977, March). First presidency message: Oneness in marriage. Ensign, 3.
5. Kimball, S. W. (1972). Faith precedes the miracle. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.
6. Watson, W. L. (2001). Purity and passion: Spiritual truths about intimacy that will strengthen your marriage. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.