Immunized Against Infidelity: "Affair-proofing" Your Marriage

The Family: A Proclamation to the World emphasizes the sacredness of marriage and declares that men and women should "honor marital vows with complete fidelity" (¶ 7). The importance of fidelity and God's disapproval of adultery have been emphasized throughout the Judeo-Christian scriptural tradition.

For years, researchers and family therapists have echoed the religious teaching that fidelity matters. Today, research findings continue to stack up confirming this teaching.

Not long ago, society's widespread endorsement of sexual freedom made therapists reluctant to address the topic of infidelity. When they did, they tended to treat it as the final symptom of a doomed marriage. But during the last decade a steady stream of studies, books, and publications have shown the harmful effects of infidelity and disposable marriages. More and more therapists are teaching couples how to safeguard their marriages against affairs. And they're counseling those who have already had affairs how to overcome the damage and build a better marriage.

Many couples naively insist that they don't have to worry about infidelity. "It will never happen to us." Unfortunately, it happens more than most people think. Conservative estimates suggest that between 20 and 25 percent of all Americans will have extramarital sex sometime during their married life.¹ That's as many as one in four. Some studies claim even higher rates.

Contrary to popular belief, infidelity doesn't happen only to bad people with lousy marriages. Infidelity can happen in good, happy marriages too. As researcher Shirley Glass points out, many people "are pretty satisfied with good relationships. They love their spouses, and then they sort of slide into an affair because they are not aware of their boundaries".²

When it does happen, infidelity is one of the most difficult and damaging issues a couple can face.¹ Marriage therapists report that up to 65 percent of couples that seek counseling do so after their marriage has been harmed by infidelity.¹

Today's leading marriage experts have come up with many strategies for preventing infidelity from infiltrating your marriage. As you review the six preventive measures below, keep in mind the wise words of author Peggy Vaughn: "Preventing affairs is not like having a one-time inoculation - or even getting occasional booster shots. It's more like taking a pill every day for the rest of your life".¹⁵

Six Ways to Prevent Infidelity from Infiltrating Your Marriage

1. Prioritize Your Marriage

Couples who want to safeguard their relationship must realize that among life's many demands they have to put their marriage first. "The No. 1 cause for the breakdown in marriages today is the same issue that causes infidelity. Couples aren't prioritizing their marriage," says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist and author.² "People spend time on their careers, their kids, community affairs, hobbies, sports. But they take their spouses for granted. It just doesn't work that way".²

The first step toward an affair-proof marriage is full commitment to fidelity.³ Studies show that those who place high value on fidelity are less likely to have affairs.¹³

Experts also encourage couples to set high standards for their relationship. Expect a lot out of your marriage. Expect marriage to be fun, challenging, comforting, loving, and fulfilling. Then, work to make those standards reality¹. One study showed that couples who were the most happy with their spouse were the ones who set very high standards for their marriages.¹

Sometimes people who are unfaithful claim an affair was an "accident" or "just happened." But most often affairs are the opposite--the sad but foreseeable result of a series of poor decisions and lack of thoughtful attention to personal values.¹³ Consciously choosing values, setting priorities, and making commitments are keys to maintaining fidelity.

Other keys to keeping your marriage as your highest priority include:

• Set aside time to spend alone with your spouse.
• Consciously commit to putting your marriage first. That means your spouse comes before everything and everyone else-even your children.
• Daily tell your spouse how important he or she is to you.
• Talk about your commitment to each other. What do you love about being married? Why do you want to stay together? When you've had hard times, how did you get through them?
• Write a "mission statement" for your marriage. Frame it and put it in your bedroom, where it will be a visual reminder of your commitment to each other. You might frame it with your marriage certificate.
• Set goals together for how you want to improve your marriage. Make them small, manageable goals. For example, set a goal to do something extra each day of the coming week to show your spouse you care. Make a goal to start a new activity or hobby together, such as going dancing once a month or reading a book together.

2. Avoid Temptation

Many studies show a connection between opportunity and infidelity.^{7, 13, 14} If you have lots of chances to cheat, it's more likely that you will, especially if your spouse is unlikely to find out. So it's important to be aware of temptation and avoid it.

Experts identify two special danger zones for infidelity: the workplace and the Internet.

The Workplace

One recent study showed that 73 percent of men and 42 percent of women who have extramarital affairs meet their partners at work.²

The most tempting situations are "those which bring together a man and a woman of similar interests for prolonged periods of time".³ Office situations fit this description well. Always be extremely careful with workplace relationships.

One study showed that persons who worked outside the home and whose spouses did not were the most likely to report affairs. This finding in part reflects the increased opportunities for infidelity that workplaces offer. But also, a marriage where one spouse is employed and the other is not can result in an imbalance where the employed partner enjoys more power, status, and esteem, and the other feels left behind.¹ If couples allow such an imbalance, the stay-at-home spouse may feel alienated. As estrangement increases, the employed spouse may take advantage of his or her greater opportunities for infidelity. Regardless of work circumstances, then, it is important for couples to maintain a sense of equality and shared influence in their marriage.¹

Experts also encourage couples to build shared social networks. Having the same network of friends helps maintain balanced social esteem for both partners and has been shown to reduce the likelihood of infidelity. For example, in one study, becoming friends with a spouse's family meant a 26% decrease in the odds of infidelity.¹³

Other preventive measures to decrease temptations in the workplace include:

• Don't take lunch or coffee breaks with the same person all the time.
• When you travel with coworkers, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
• Meet in groups whenever possible.
• Don't drink and dance with coworkers at conferences or office parties.
• Avoid social kisses and hugs with coworkers.
• Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life and family problems.
• In your marriage, build an equal partnership by sharing power and influence. Consult with each other. Make decisions together.
• Bring your spouse and family to work events as often as possible.

On-line

On-line relationships are an increasing concern. Internet affairs are more common for spouses who stay home while their partners go to work. At home they may feel isolated from social contacts and friendships with other adults. They may feel unimportant in the marriage or may struggle with low self-esteem. These factors are all linked to higher risk of infidelity.^{1, 15}

The Internet may seem like a safe place to socialize, but research shows that "even moderate internet usage interferes with family relationships, particularly when an individual spends more and more time online and begins ignoring work, friends, and loved ones".⁴ Even when time spent online does not lead to an affair, the Internet can become an electronic "lover" that steals time and attention from one's spouse.

Innocent chat room visits can endanger a marriage when one discovers a "cyberspace soulmate".² As emotional attachment builds, on-line relationships can quickly shift from friendships to romantically charged, marriage-threatening liaisons.

Preventive measures for Internet users include:

• Leave your computer windows open when other people are around. The need to quickly close windows for privacy and secrecy should be a warning sign; the need to hide online interests with family can be the beginning of betrayal.
• Share online interests with your spouse and family. Use the Internet for productive, wholesome activities, such as shopping with your spouse, playing games with your children, building a family website.
• Avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet.
• Avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing.
• Do not share sexual feelings or experiences on-line.
• Never give out personal information over the Internet.
• If an online relationship begins to look appealing, end it and take it as a warning to examine yourself and your marriage. Ask yourself what is lacking in your life and what you want in your marriage that isn't being fulfilled. Work on improving yourself and your marriage to meet those needs instead of looking elsewhere.
• Talk to your spouse about how to enhance your relationship. Share your wishes, needs, and dreams with your partner instead of with a faceless electronic identity.
• If necessary, limit your time on-line.

Remember that infidelity doesn't always include sex. Emotional infidelity can breach marital trust and become as debilitating to your marriage as actual adultery. If you are sharing intimate emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse in any arena, including the Internet, stop!

3. Know Your Boundaries

Avoiding emotional intimacy with those of the opposite sex does not mean you should turn a cold shoulder to anyone of the opposite sex. Experts say friendships with members of the opposite sex are possible and healthy if both parties know their boundaries. This means knowing your weaknesses and recognizing temptations. As Dr. Kevin Leman puts it, you have to take an honest look at yourself and admit that maybe you can't always "handle it."

To learn your limits, be brutally honest with yourself. Recognize when you need to say no to working late, no to casual invitations to drinks, no to a congratulatory hug or special favor. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can handle it when maybe you can't.⁸

Avoid rationalizing iffy situations. When you rationalize, you justify yourself in stepping over your boundaries. If you're able to justify borderline situations, such as slow dancing with a coworker at a company event, inappropriate behavior is more likely to follow.⁵ Remember, you can only rationalize crossing so many lines until eventually you may have to admit that it isn't "nothing" and you're not "just friends."

Dr. Carlfred Broderick says it's important to honestly question your intentions in your friendships and relationships outside your marriage. "An emotionally intimate friendship that becomes sexualized or evolves into romantic love has crossed a critical threshold which separates friendships and extramarital relationships".⁵

Also, be aware that men and women tend to rationalize crossing the boundaries of marital trust for different reasons. Men are more likely to justify infidelity for sexual pleasure. Women are more likely to justify infidelity for love or emotional reasons.⁵

If you are wondering whether you have overstepped any boundaries, Dr. Shirley Glass, who has been researching infidelity for over two decades, says three signs indicate that a friendship between members of the opposite sex has crossed the line into infidelity: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) sexual tension, and (3) secrecy. Also, ask yourself, "Do I say or do things with this person that I wouldn't want my spouse to see or hear?" If so, it's time to take a step back and re-draw your boundaries.⁷

Other tips for keeping your opposite-sex friendships within appropriate boundaries include:

• Understand your own vulnerabilities. Are you especially curious about people? Are you extremely empathetic? Do you invite other people to share their problems with you? What might lead you to get emotionally involved with someone else unwittingly or with good intentions?
• Don't be afraid to put up emotional "walls" around yourself and your marriage. No marriage is invulnerable. All marriages need protection. You cannot have intimate relationships with opposite sex co-workers and friends and still have a great relationship with your spouse.
• Together with your spouse, set guidelines for how each of you will behave around members of the opposite sex. For example, you may decide neither of you will dance with someone of the opposite sex. Make these guidelines an agreement you hold each other accountable for.
• Make a habit of staying in close contact with your spouse. Call often to check in. Let him or her know when you will be gone a few extra hours, home from work late, experiencing something you want to share. Keep him or her informed of your daily routine.
• Instead of spending time alone with friends of the opposite sex, make friends with the person as a couple. Have him or her bring a partner and go to dinner with you and your spouse, for example, instead of going to lunch alone.
• Spend time socializing with family. Become friends with your spouse's siblings and parents.
• Work on making friends as a couple. Invite another couple over for Sunday brunch, out to a movie, etc. Build friendships that you and your spouse can enjoy together.
• Include a spiritual influence in your marriage. Consider attending religious services together. Let spiritual values guide you in resisting temptation and deciding where to draw your boundaries.

4. Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

According to Dr. Broderick, "Perhaps the most important single preventative of adultery is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage".³ It is crucial that you talk to your spouse about conflicts. Harboring resentment towards a spouse may lead you to seeking sympathy from others, which opens you up to emotional attachments outside the marriage. Faithful marriage partners discuss their frustrations openly and honestly and try to reach fair compromises.

Just as satisfaction can protect a marriage, dissatisfaction can endanger it. Dr. Anthony Thompson reviewed several studies of infidelity and found that in nine out of ten cases, dissatisfaction-feeling that one's marriage is lacking-was a main factor contributing to infidelity.¹² Other studies have shown that relationship dissatisfaction can increase the desire to have an affair.¹⁰ A study by Wiggins and Lederer linked higher numbers of affairs with lower levels of marital happiness.¹⁵ It is critical to address the conflicts and disagreements in our relationship to preserve the quality of our marriage. Couples who can manage the strains on their marriage are more able to build strong, happy relationships and more resistant to tempting situations.

Strategies for preventing marital conflict and handling it when it comes up include:

• Be clear. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking. If you're concerned about something, don't wait for your spouse to notice-tell him or her.
• When you want to bring up a problem, don't assign blame. This statement, for example, blames the other person and is not likely to end in a happy resolution: "The kitchen is a mess and it's all your fault!" Instead, try something like this: "The dishes didn't get washed and I think it's your dish day."
• Don't store up frustrations. Talk about what's on your mind. It's harder to deal with resentment productively when you've been stewing over it and growing more and more upset until you're ready to burst.
• Compromise. When you have a conflict, sit down and think about what you really need versus what you want and what you are willing to give up. Work out a solution that combines each of your individual needs.
• If you have serious resentment over unresolved conflicts, consider seeking help from a qualified professional marriage counselor.

For more help on dealing with marital conflict, see Dr. Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Principles five and six guide couples through dealing with minor and major marital conflicts and avoiding resentment.

5. Rekindle Romance

It's important to give one another the attention, affection, and opportunities for intimacy that reduce the chances of partners wandering, emotionally, physically, or both. Receiving such tender care is especially important for women, who are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage than for any other reason.

However, as Shirley Glass points out, when someone has an affair, it doesn't necessarily mean he or she isn't "getting enough" at home. It could mean he or she isn't giving enough. Either way, adding romance to your marriage will help protect against you or your spouse looking elsewhere.

Studies show that at the time of their marriage, 90% to 99% of Americans disapprove of extramarital sex and intend to remain faithful to their spouse.^{5, 11, 13} These studies also show that the longer people are married, the more tolerant they become of extramarital relationships. This shift can be explained, in part, by the loss of romantic idealism and the unmet needs that tend to emerge in marriages over time.⁵

So keeping romance alive is vital to a healthy marriage. Be sensitive to your spouse's needs, including asking him or her what they want and need from you. Work on giving your spouse what he or she hopes for in a companion, lover, and friend.

Here are some guidelines for romantic success, suggested by experts Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Bloomberg, in their book Fighting for Your Marriage. Take a look at the guidelines and create your own plan for romance in your relationship:

• Focus on being romantic. Send flowers, romantic email messages, whisper suggestive desires during dinner, or touch his or her leg under the table. At the same time, don't focus on orgasms or other outcomes. Simply talking as friends and sharing fun times are aphrodisiacs.
• Focus on wooing your partner, as opposed to taking his or her love for granted. Win his or her love on a daily basis.
• Be sensitive to your partner's rhythms, needs, and wishes. Maybe your spouse is a morning person and you are an evening person when it comes to ideal times for intimacy. If so, push yourself to be romantically interested during your partner's preferred times.
• Be imaginative and creative. Let your partner know that you care and are attracted to her and want her, but do it in a variety of ways. For example, you might suggest going to work an hour late, or choose an intimate rendezvous at another unplanned time.
• Be a great lover. When having sex, kiss and touch sensual spots that your partner enjoys---the earlobe, neck, back, or wherever. Talk together about the love areas that are pleasurable and share in mutually enjoyable and agreeable lovemaking.
• Share initiating of lovemaking. Initiate intimacies at unexpected times and places.⁹

6. Couple Bonding

Finally, to "affair-proof" your marriage, strengthen and deepen the bond between you and your spouse. "The more a couple knows each other, the better off they are. If you strengthen the bond between the couple, there is not so much temptation to look elsewhere," says psychologist Susan Townsend.⁸ Atkins et al. (2001) agree: "There is no substitute for developing a strong relationship between the two partners".

Many experts believe that when an affair occurs, it's often the emotional intimacy between the two people involved that destroys a marriage, not the fact that one partner had sex with someone else. Building a strong emotional bond within your marriage makes it less likely you or your spouse will seek emotional intimacy elsewhere.

Several studies have shown a strong connection between marital happiness and fidelity.^{1, 10, 12} Atkins et al. found a continuum of marital happiness corresponding with likelihood for infidelity. For example, people who reported being "not too happy" with their marriage were four times more likely to have cheated on their spouse than those who reported being "very happy." But even people who said they were "pretty happy" were twice as likely to report infidelity as the "very happy" group. In another study, those who said they were "very happy" in their primary relationship were 28% more likely to engage in infidelity than those who said they were "extremely happy".^13,1

Apparently it is not enough to settle for a mediocre marriage. Couples who want to stay faithful should make an extra effort to build strong bonds and strive for the happiest possible relationship.

Further ideas for building the bond between you and your spouse include:

• Spend time having meaningful conversations. Set aside a few minutes each day to talk with your spouse. Talk about what you did during the day, what you've been thinking about, what you're feeling. Avoid discussing conflicts during this time.
• If these conversations don't come naturally, try sitting down facing each other and doing something relaxing at the same time, like having a cup of coffee or listening to music you both like.
• Go out on a date with your spouse once a week and choose an activity you enjoy doing together, such as watching a movie, eating out, dancing, or bowling. Consider the cost of a babysitter an investment in your marriage and family.
• Share your fondest dreams with your spouse, no matter how impossible or outlandish they might seem.
• Be honest with your spouse. Don't keep secrets from him or her.
• Regularly attend church, synagogue, or mosque with your spouse. Nurturing your spirituality together can be a powerful way to increase your bond.

For more information, check out Dr. Shirley Glass' book, Not "Just Friends:" Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal, published by The Free Press (2003).

No one-time event or promise will affair-proof your marriage. Complete fidelity takes constant, conscientious effort. If both you and your spouse invest this effort, the joy and satisfaction of having a trusting, faithful marriage will be yours.

Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, edited by Robert F. Stahman and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H. & Jacobson, N. S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 735-749.
2. Barnes, S. (1999, August 8). Immunized against infidelity. Want to avoid divorce? Then learn how to be faithful. Special to the Tribune, [reprinted online]. Retrieved February 23, 2002. www.smartmarriages.com
3. Broderick, C. (1979). Couples: How to confront problems and maintain loving relationships. New York: Simon and Schuster.
4. Glass, S.P. (1999). Over the Line - Online Attractions. Reflections by Glass. [AOL column, reprinted online]. Retrieved February 23, 2002. www.smartmarriages.com
5. Glass, S. P, & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. The Journal of Sex Research, 29, 361-387.
6. Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1985). Sex differences in types of extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction. Sex Roles, 12, (9/10), 1101-1119.
7. Greeley, A. (1994) Marital infidelity. Society 31(4), 9–13
8. Jensen, P. (2002, February 24). Emotional Infidelity. Cheating isn't just sneaking out to a hotel room with the office hottie. The Baltimore Sun, pp. 1N. http://www.baltimoresun.com
9. Leman, K. (1998). The union fidelity bank is always open. In L. Crabb (Ed.), Bring home the joy (pp. 139-160). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
10. Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
11. Prins, K. S., Buunk, B. P., & VanYperen, N. W. (1993). Equity, normative disapproval and extramarital relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10, 39-53.
12. Smith, T. W. (1994). Attitudes toward sexual permissiveness: Trends, correlates, and behavioral connections. In A. S. Rossi (Ed.), Sexuality across the life course (pp. 63-97). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
13. Thompson, A. P. (1983). Extramarital sex: A review of the research literature. Journal of Sex Research, 19, 1-22.
14. Treas, J. & Giesen, D. (2000). Sexual infidelity among married and cohabiting Americans. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(1), 48-60.
15. Traeen, B., & Stigum, H. (1998). Parallel sexual relationships in the Norwegian context. Journal of Community and Applied Social Psychology, 8, 41-56.
16. Vaughan, P. (2010). To have and to hold: A personal handbook for building a strong marriage and preventing affairs. New York City, NY: Harper Collins.
17. Wiggins, J. D. & Lederer, D. A. (1984). Differential antecedents of infidelity in marriage. American Mental Health Counselors Association Journal, 6(4), 152-161.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World emphasizes the proven wisdom that men and women should "honor marital vows with complete fidelity" (¶ 7). Marriage is a sacred commitment, and fidelity is a basic component of keeping that commitment. The importance of fidelity is emphasized throughout the Judeo-Christian scriptural tradition. In one of the ten most familiar verses of scripture, the Lord commanded: "Thou shalt not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14, Luke 18:20, Romans 13:9).

An Old Testament Example

The Old and New Testament both condemn infidelity as a serious sin. When the Lord spoke to the prophet Jeremiah, He promised to send a curse and captivity upon the people of Israel because they had become liars and adulterers. The Lord speaks of infidelity as the ultimate mark of their wickedness, saying that even the prophets of Jerusalem "commit adultery, and walk in lies." Because of their adulterous ways, the Lord compares the children of Israel to the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah (Jeremiah 29:22-23).

A New Testament Example

In Galatians, Paul warned against weighty sins he called "works of the flesh." Such works include adultery, fornication, idolatry, witchcraft, heresies, envyings, and murder. About these sins, Paul wrote, "they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:19-21).

The Words of Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ took scriptural teachings about adultery one step further. He taught that infidelity in thought and desire is emotional adultery-a serious sin in itself. He said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).

Preventing Infidelity

You can safeguard your marriage against infidelity by loving your spouse, treating your marriage as a high priority, and making a conscious decision to honor your marital vows no matter what difficulties might arise. In Genesis and in Mark, it says that a man shall "leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-8).

In the scriptures of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, husbands and wives are commanded to love each other. Doctrine and Covenants 42 says, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else" (D&C 42:22). Building loving bonds within a marriage will help husbands and wives stay faithful to each other.

After Infidelity

Serious as it is, infidelity is not unforgivable. And it does not always mean a marriage must end. Christ taught that we can repent and rebuild our lives. In John chapter 8, a woman caught in adultery is brought to Christ. Her accusers want to stone her according to the law of Moses. But Christ shows mercy, saying to the accusing crowd, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

The woman's accusers leave without casting a stone, and Jesus says to her, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more" (John 8:3-11). Christ was willing to forgive infidelity and allow a second chance.