Helping Your Teenager Learn to Manage Hard Emotions

The teenage years can be difficult for many reasons.^2,5,9 Teens are often trying to fit in. They want to make their own decisions and explore the unknown. They sometimes take risks.^4,5 While some easily settle on their identity, others struggle to find their purpose.¹¹ Struggling teens may show signs of unhealthy emotional regulation. This means that they do not know how to handle or manage their strong emotions.^1,6,9,12 If they do not manage emotion well, they can develop depressive symptoms. For example, they might have periods of sadness or of fear. Research shows teens that do not manage their emotions well are more likely to be involved in a variety of unhealthy behaviors.¹³

Teens learn how to handle their emotions through a variety of influences. They learn through social media, culture, friends, religion, parents, school, or authoritative figures.^2,10,12 Out of all these, parents are one of the most influential.^1,4 Teens learn by observing. They learn by listening. Parents may be unaware that their teens learn how to handle emotions just by watching them.

Teaching teenagers how to handle their hard emotions can be difficult. But helping them understand their emotions will also help them steer clear of feeling depressive symptoms. The following provides some ideas about why emotional regulation is important for teenagers. Parents will also find helpful tips on how to teach their teens these skills.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Regulating emotions is the ability to understand, accept, and manage one’s emotions. This skill helps to avoid greater distress.^7,13 Examples of positive emotional exercises include:

• Meditation
• Prayer
• Giving yourself space
• Talking yourself through an event
• Speaking with a safe individual about your emotions
• Writing down feelings in a journal

These practices can help to separate the actual emotion from the self. This means that the individual can understand that emotions do not define self-worth. Understanding this can increase confidence. Confidence in emotions can replace feelings of hopelessness or confusion.^6,13

Some teens don’t know the difference between feeling angry and being an angry person. They assume that negative feelings are associated with their personal value. They can feel guilty or confused. Teens try to avoid those feelings by participating in a variety of coping behaviors.

Examples of unhealthy coping behaviors include:

• Rebelliousness
• Overuse of technology
• Drugs
• Withdrawal
• Pornography
• Excessive time with friends^{1,3,5,9,12,13}

Teens often turn to these activities to distract them from whatever uncomfortable feelings they have. Those who participate in these behaviors may also show signs of depressive symptoms.

Symptoms of depression can include:

• Withdrawal
• Lack of motivation
• Frequent anger
• Lower performance in normal activities
• Excessive sadness
• Comments of self-criticism.

Understandably, finding these symptoms in a teenager can be concerning. Fortunately, teens can learn how to better handle their emotions.^5,6,13 Below are examples of how parents can influence their teen and then help them.

Negative Parental Responses

Society often shapes the way both parents and teenagers view emotions. It teaches how men and women “are supposed to” express feelings. Men are encouraged to express anger. They are also expected to suppress tears and other emotions. Women, on the other hand, are shown as emotional messes, but are discouraged to show any signs of anger. These attitudes can be harmful to how parents teach and show emotions to their teenagers.

Unintentional Parenting

Anger, fear and sadness are often viewed negatively in society. Because of this, parents can develop negative attitudes toward those emotions.⁷ Parents might neglect or dismiss negative emotions expressed by their teenager.^13,6,7 For example, a teenager could come home from school and clearly shows signs of emotional distress. Unaware of the harm, parents might judge the emotion as a typical, dramatic display from a teenager. They may just treat the event as unimportant.

This type of response can teach the teenager that his or her emotions are not important.^7,8,11 As teens realize this, they may start to treat themselves poorly. When they feel those emotions again, they will learn to ignore them, just like the parent did. So, although it may be unintentional, these messages can be very harmful during teen development.⁸

Direct Parenting

While some parents unintentionally influence their teens, other parents may directly force their beliefs of emotions on their teen. For example, some parents punish their teenager for expressing negative emotions. Teenagers can feel punished when parents give criticism, rejection, angry comments, or threats aimed toward negative emotions.^8,13 With this type of parenting, a parent might say, “You’re such a cry baby” or “Until you can start acting more mature, you can’t hang out with your friends”.

Teens can see these punishments as a reflection of their personal worth. They classify their emotions as “wrong”. This is how unhealthy emotional regulation begins.

Signs of unhealthy regulation may include:

• Low self-esteem
• Uncertainty in expression
• Self-loathing
• Emotional withdrawal

These can also be signs of depressive symptoms.⁸

Research also shows that teens feel more depressive symptoms when parents try to manipulate their emotions.^5,8,11 Manipulation can happen when parents encourage teenagers to suppress certain emotions. They may simply tell them to “get over it.” Teens will feel forced to suppress emotions. They can start to feel uncomfortable with themselves. This creates barriers toward greater emotional management.^1,5,8

Again, these parenting styles may not always be intentional. Many loving parents are unaware that their frustrations with their teen’s emotions can cause unhealthy emotional behaviors and greater risk for depressive symptoms. There are ways to improve and help teenagers practice better emotional management.

What Parents Can Do

Respond both Positively and Compassionately

When parents respond positively toward teen’s emotions, teens’ coping strategies improve. Teenagers learn to understand that emotions are not bad.

Positive responses include:

• Warm comments (e.g. “I hear you, that sounds hard”),⁴
• Acceptance of the emotion (e.g. “It’s okay to feel that way, we all feel like that sometimes”),¹
• Supportive feedback (e.g. “When you’re ready, let’s talk about what we can do together to help you”).⁸

It may not always work perfectly. Teenagers can sometimes react poorly to these efforts. Over time, however, your positive efforts can help. Teens will likely improve in how they handle their emotions. This will also help to protect them against depressive symptoms.^4,12 They will start to feel less scared of their own emotions and more confidence in how to manage them.¹³

Indeed, it can be easy to misunderstand what teenagers are truly feeling. For example, sometimes people believe that depression is not real. It is a common belief that depressive symptoms are made up by the individual experiencing it. These judgements can make teenagers feel alone, ignored, misunderstood, and rejected.⁸ Trusting teenagers’ feelings is an important part of responding positively to their emotions.

Many rebellious behaviors come from feeling hard emotions. Try to sincerely ask teens why they do their coping activity. Learn their perspective. This can help parents understand their teen’s behavior. As teens notice loving interest in their feelings, they will learn to trust their parents more.¹² Parents can learn to respect their teen’s emotions. Then they can find opportunities to teach emotional regulation strategies. This mindset can help to develop closer relationships between parents and their teens.⁶

In addition, teen’s depressive symptoms are more likely to improve when parents try to understand teen’s emotions. Parents will also learn to develop more positive attitudes about emotions.^4,12

Help Teens Regulate Their Emotions

It can be easy to forget to teach teens how to handle emotions. In fact, many parents assume that teens should already know how to handle their emotions when they are in High School. So, many parents forget to teach emotional skills.¹⁰ However, research shows the opposite. With a constant flow of media and social trends, teens need more and more help to understand their emotions.

So, if teens are having trouble with their emotions, teach them how to handle them. This method is called emotional coaching. There are a variety of ways in which parents can coach their adolescent through his or her emotions:^*,7

• Show, by example, that you accept your own negative emotions
• Verbally let your teenager know that his or her emotions do not define his or her personal worth
• Let your teenager openly express sadness without showing signs of your own discomfort.
• When your teenager expresses anger, sadness, or fear, calmly acknowledge the validity of those emotions so they know that you are not questioning those emotions.
• Repeat back to your teenager that you hear exactly how they are feeling.
• Teach your teenager to write down his or her feelings in a journal in order to process them.
• Talk your teenager through solutions that could help them feel better.
• Teach your teenager when it is and is not appropriate to express certain negative emotions. For example, it is best to express deep emotions with a safe individual, rather than in public.
• Most importantly, let your teenager know that you love them, even if they are feeling excessive sadness, anger, or fear. Your love for them, despite how they may be feeling, is the biggest sign to them that you accept them for who they are.

Teenagers who receive these direct coaching strategies improve in many aspects. They are more likely to develop healthy relationships. Many teens also develop emotional knowledge and self-control. And they seem to improve in self-esteem, overall stress, and academic achievement.^5,6,7,12 Coaching teenagers through their emotions can help prevent them from experiencing depressive symptoms.¹³

Conclusion

Overall, teenagers are influenced by a variety of factors that shape the way they handle emotions. These influences create attitudes that effect the way teens see themselves. Parents are one of the biggest influences for teens’ emotional development. Because of this, parents should be more aware that their responses can affect adolescent mental health.⁷ As teens experience hard emotions, parents can successfully coach them through their experience. This can ultimately help to avoid more depressive symptoms in teenagers.

For Further Reading:

*Gottman, J., (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

Written by Kaylin Cash, and edited by Professors Julie Haupt, Adam Rogers, and Stephen F. Duncan, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. February 19, 2020.

References

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