Helping Children Adjust to Divorce

Divorce is pervasive in today’s society, compelling millions of children to face the challenges of post-divorce life. Amato reports that “more than one million children experience parental divorce every year, and about 40% of all children will experience parental divorce before reaching adulthood”.¹

Parents who have divorced or are divorcing need to be aware of the many ways divorce can injure their children – and the ways they can soften and cushion these negative effects.

Consequences of Divorce

Abundant research shows that divorce can be traumatic for children. Children of divorced parents tend to suffer academically and socially. A study of first, third, and fifth graders found that children of divorce were more likely to be placed in special reading classes and had lower peer popularity. Children from intact families experienced greater achievement in math and reading scores and lower levels of absenteeism.¹⁷

Amato reports that divorce can introduce many new stressors into the lives of children, including loss of contact with one parent, a decline in parental support, and economic hardship.¹ Divorce weakens the financial health of women and children.¹⁶ Reductions in income can be as great as 30% to 50%.¹⁴

Research also suggests that most children will be worse off educationally, financially, and psychologically than if their parents’ marriage had remained intact.¹⁶

While some researchers see a grim outlook for many children of divorce, they also recognize that children are not necessarily headed for a life of hardship and unhappiness. Most children are resilient and go on to find happiness and success both at home and at the workplace. In her longitudinal study lasting 25 years, Dr. Mavis Hetherington compared divorced families with intact families:⁶

Twenty-five percent of youth from divorced families in comparison to10% from non-divorced families did have serious social, emotional, or psychological problems. But most of the young men and women from my divorced families looked a lot like their contemporaries from non-divorced homes. Although they looked back on their parent’s breakup as a painful experience, most were successfully going about the chief tasks of young adulthood: establishing careers, creating intimate relationships, building meaningful lives for themselves.⁶

So a healthy majority of children – three-quarters – went on to lead happy and healthy lives after experiencing the divorce of their parents. Studies show that about 90% of children raised in intact homes lead generally happy lives. The 15% difference is significant, indicating that children are at a greater risk following divorce, but the great majority become happy, healthy, and functioning members of society.

Children’s Reactions to Divorce by Developmental Stage

Children experience and react to divorce differently depending on their age. As a parent, you can better help your children adjust to divorce if you know what to expect in each age range. Below are key developmental milestones of children and recommendations from experts about how to help children of each age as they experience divorce.^3,5,8,9,10

Infants

Infants are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and emotional states. If their parents are in distress, infants may be more irritable, fretful, and anxious. They may lose their appetite, change their sleeping patterns, and change other routines. As a parent, you can help by maintaining a consistent routine, being loving and affectionate, and responding physically and emotionally to your children.

Toddlers

Toddlers notice the absence of a parent but can’t comprehend the meaning behind the absence. They may have difficulty separating from the parent who no longer lives in the home, crying more and clinging. They may regress to infant behaviors of thumb sucking or needing diapers. They may also show more anger and have trouble sleeping. Toddlers need you to be reassuring and nurturing. Be understanding if they regress to infant behaviors. Be consistent and stick to routines.

Preschoolers

Preschoolers don’t understand what divorce means, but they realize that one parent is not living at home. They may feel angry and may blame themselves for the separation. They grieve over a parent’s absence and may develop elaborate fantasies of reuniting their parents. You should make sure your children understand that they are not responsible for the divorce, and they will always be loved and taken care of. Regular and predictable contact with both parents is important.

Early Elementary

At this age children begin to understand that a divorce means their parents won’t live together and don’t love each other as they once did. Most feel a sense of loss. They often feel rejected by the parent who is absent. They tend to worry about the future. They may show physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, and difficulty sleeping. Be sensitive to signs of depression such as a withdrawal from long-time friends and favorite activities, fears about the future, and feelings of rejection. Be open with children this age about the changes caused by the divorce, encourage your children to talk about their feelings, and be a good listener. Reassure your children that divorce is not their fault. Keep a consistent routine. Plan specific times for your children to be in contact with both parents. Reinforce that the divorce is a final decision.

Preteens and Adolescents

Children this age understand divorce but do not want to accept it or the changes it brings. They may feel angry and abandoned. Adolescents may show extremes in behavior. Some become moralistic and the “perfect angel” child. Others become rebellious and troubled, getting involved with drugs, alcohol, or shoplifting. Teenagers often worry about whether they will be able to form meaningful relationships in the future. They may worry about taking on adult responsibilities and being forced to grow up too soon. You need to talk openly with adolescent children about their feelings and concerns, but not about difficulties between you and your ex-spouse. Make sure your child’s responsibilities are appropriate to their age and that they are not being compelled to grow up too quickly. Be a consistent parent and stay involved in your child’s life. Strictly avoid using your child as a confidante.

Becoming an Effective Post-Divorce Parent

How well you as a parent manage conflict and become an effective co-parent after divorce has a tremendous impact on how well your children fare after divorce.⁸ To encourage quality parenting, some states have passed legislation that allows judges to mandate educational programs for divorcing parents. These programs teach parents about children’s common reactions to divorce, about how to move forward after divorce, and about how to keep the best interests of children in mind. They also teach communication skills and conflict management so that divorcing parents can minimize divorce battles. Even if your state does not require you to attend such a program, it would be wise to find a course in your area and enroll.

Ideas for Reducing the Impact of Divorce on Children

Research shows that many of the harmful effects of divorce can be lessened when parents make a concerted effort to keep the best interests of their children as their first priority. Here are some ideas that can help children adjust to divorce:

• Practice positive parenting. According to researchers Hetherington and Kelly, “Parenting is not only the most important but often the sole protective social factor in a very young child’s life”.⁶ Much of the negative effects of divorce are mediated by good, quality parenting.⁶ “Children need parents who are warm and supportive, communicative, responsive to their needs, exert firm, consistent control and positive discipline, and monitor their activities closely”.⁶

• Maintain a stable routine. According to Teyber, “Children adjust better when parents can keep as many things as possible constant in their lives”.¹⁵ Providing a sense of structure and stability is essential for children’s well-being.¹³ They feel more secure when they have consistency and predictability in their lives. Continue routines such as bedtime rituals, reading books together, and celebrating birthdays and holidays. Make every effort to keep your children in the same school and neighborhood.⁴

• Help your children share and deal with their feelings. Children of divorcing parents experience a wide range of emotions, including fear, sadness, anger, guilt, rejection, and loneliness. Your children will need time to mourn their lost family and adjust to new circumstances. Outbursts of anger, such as tantrums and shouting, are normal. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings by acknowledging their feelings and empathizing with them. Offering solutions is not always necessary. Just hearing your children out can be helpful. For very young children, talking about feelings is difficult. They might communicate more easily by drawing a picture. If your children don’t want to talk to you, encourage them to talk with someone else, such as a teacher, family friend, or another family member, such as an aunt, grandmother, or grandfather.^2,10,12

• Reassure children that the divorce is not their fault. Many children believe they are the cause of their parents’ divorce. Often they think that if they had behaved better or done better in school, Mom and Dad would still be together. Bussel reports that “children who place some of the blame for the divorce on themselves tend to be more poorly adjusted” (cited in Amato, p. 1281).¹ Reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault. The decision to divorce is made by adults, not by children. Parents should never blame a child for a divorce. You should also be careful that family matters are not discussed within hearing of children. If a child overhears conversations, he can easily misinterpret what is said. When telling your child about the divorce, and in all conversations thereafter, be sure to choose your words with sensitivity and care.⁹

• Practice positive discipline. Positive and consistent discipline is essential for raising healthy children. The guilt that some divorced parents feel sometimes causes them to indulge their children, which can compound the harmful effects of divorce. Children thrive under loving, positive discipline, so be sure you set proper limits and provide guidance. Be clear about what behavior is acceptable, what is not acceptable, and what the consequences are for non-compliance. Consistently impose consequences. Also, listen to your children and work together as you set limits and make compromises when you disagree. Be sure you recognize good behavior and praise your children often. Use discipline to teach, not to punish.⁹ When your children misbehave, separate the deed from the doer, allow your child to experience the consequences of his or her actions, and practice forgiveness.^10,2

• Keep both parents involved. Shared custody usually serves children best, as long as parents can negotiate and get along. Parents who are constantly in conflict, however, make shared custody miserable for children. Whatever the living arrangement, each parent should encourage involvement of the other. Work as a team to ensure that the needs of each child is met. While this might be difficult, remember that your children didn’t make the decision to divorce, and it is your obligation to make sure the effects of that decision cause the least hurt possible. Studies show that “the longer the time since the divorce, the less involved the noncustodial parent is in his child’s life”.⁹ To keep this from happening, each parent should keep the other informed about each child. Instruct schools to send information to both homes. Research indicates that non-residential fathers are more likely to continue both contact and child support when they feel they have their share of control over decision making.⁷

• Help children maintain positive relationships with both parents. Children want both their parents. When your child wants to spend time with the other parent, don’t see it as rejection of you but as a healthy desire to stay connected to both Mom and Dad. Encourage your children to enjoy time with the other parent. When they come back, encourage them to talk freely about what they did and share in their happiness when they had a good time. Help your child acknowledge birthdays and special occasions for the other parent. If you support the parenting of the other partner, you’ll make it easier for him or her to have a good relationship with your children, which is healthy for them.^13,4,10

• Don’t put your child in the middle—allow him to love both parents. Your children want to love both Mom and Dad. “If your children know you both, and have lived with you both, then they love you both”.¹³ Don’t put them in a situation where they have to choose between you or your ex-spouse. Asking your child “Do you want to live with me or your daddy?” puts him in a no-win situation, because by choosing one parent he is forced to reject the other.

• Don’t use your child as a go-between. Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through your child or ask your child for information about your ex-spouse. Keep adult communications direct between adults. You and your ex-spouse should communicate directly with each other rather than through your child (Morgan & Coleman, 2002). Control your emotions and restrain yourself from saying negative things about the other parent in front of your child. If your child complains about his other parent, encourage him to talk directly with that parent.^9,8

• Allow your child to be a child. Children need their parents to be the grownups. While some responsibility is good for children, they should not be expected to counsel you, comfort you, make meals for the family, or be your sounding board about important decisions. Take stock of the responsibilities that you have given your child, and make sure the tasks are appropriate.¹³ Parents are supposed to support their children, not the other way around. Don’t burden your child with information that she is too young to handle, don’t expect her to take on adult responsibilities, and don’t depend on her as though she were a peer.⁹ Rely on friends and family of your own age and maturity. “Asking a child for an opinion is important on some issues, but making the child responsible for a major decision is inappropriate and can be damaging to the child”.¹³

• Spend time with your child. Spend one-on-one time with each child regularly.¹⁰ While time demands are tremendous for single parents, spending focused time with each child is invaluable to their growth and development. Be an “askable” and approachable parent. Let your child know that he can always come to you with any concerns he may have. Tell your child often that he will continue to be loved and taken care of.^2,9,18

Divorce is not an enjoyable experience for anyone, but much can be done to mediate the damaging effects. In their book The Case for Marriage, Waite and Gallagher conclude that “the absence of a stable marriage is a risk factor in a child’s life, not a prophecy of certain doom”.¹⁶ If parents are committed to the well-being of their children and minimize negative experiences, children can lead happy, well-adjusted lives.

Written by Kristi Tanner, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Additional Reading

Ahrons, C. (1994). The good divorce. New York: HarperCollins.

Long, N., & Forehand, R. (2002). Making divorce easier on your child: 50 effective ways to help children adjust. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Ricci, I. (1997). Mom’s house, dad’s house: A complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Teyber, E. (2001). Helping children cope with divorce. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Websites

• http://parentswithoutpartners.org

References

1. Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 1269-1287.
2. Benedek, E. P., & Brown, C. F. (1995). How to help your child overcome your divorce. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press.
3. DeBord, K. Focus on kids: The effects of divorce on children.
4. Duncan, S. F. (1999). Families facing divorce. Bozeman, MT: Montana State University Extension Service.
5. Gable, S. Helping children understand divorce. Retrieved from: http://muextension.missouri.edu/xplor/hesguide/humanrel/gh6600.htm#momdad.
6. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
7. Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagen, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40, 129-140.
8. Knudson-Martin, Christopher, J. & Duncan, S. F. (1997). Parenting through divorce: Helping your children through your divorce. Bozeman, MT: Montana State University Extension Service.
9. Long, N., & Forehand, R. (2002). Making divorce easier on your child: 50 effective ways to help children adjust. New York: Contemporary Books.
10. Marsten, S. (1994). The divorced parent: Success strategies for raising your children after separation. New York: William Morrow.
11. Morgan, M., & Coleman, M. Focus on families: Divorce and adults. Retrieved from: http://muextension.missouri.edu/xplor/hesguide/humanrel/gh6601.htm.
12. Parents Without Partners. Practical parenting...tips to grow on. Retrieved from: http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/Support2.htm.
13. Ricci, I. (1997). Mom’s house, dad’s house: a complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried. New York: Simon & Schuster.
14. Simons, R. (1996). Understanding differences between divorced and intact families. Thousand Oaks: Sage.
15. Teyber, E. (2001). Helping children cope with divorce. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
16. Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage. New York: Broadway Books.
17. Wallerstein, J. S. (1991). The long-term effects of divorce on children: A review. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 30, 349-360.
18. Welker, J. E. What parents can do to help children adjust to divorce.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World declares that “parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live” (¶ 6).

This commandment is of utmost importance to ensure the well-being and proper upbringing of our children. In situations of divorce, children are especially vulnerable and need more than ever the blessings of loving parenting. Church leaders provide insight on how families can adjust and be strengthened in situations of divorce.

Keep Both Parents Involved

When a couple divorces, their children often feel that they are losing one or even both parents. Children need both a father and a mother, and both ex-spouses should make an effort to keep the other parent involved in their children’s lives. As you work this out, make sure you speak kindly about your ex-spouse, even if your unspoken feelings are not kind.

President Boyd K. Packer counseled ex-spouses to understand how damaging it can be to your children if you speak ill of their mother or father:

Be very careful before you convince your children they are the offspring of a reprobate, of an unworthy parent. A child is like his parent. He loses faith in himself if there is no good in the parent. “What is the use?” he feels. “There is no hope for me.” Say as little as possible, and plow around the problem. Don’t bring up the subject. When the children mention it, have the restraint to say, “John or Mary, there are a lot of things we don’t understand.” If you will follow this advice, your children will come away with fewer scars. They will love you more.⁹

If you harbor bitter feelings toward your ex-spouse, work on removing them until they are gone. They will harm you and your children. Elder Marvin J. Ashton counseled:

We need not quarrel or compete. . . . We need not spend our time in retaliation. . . . How disarming it must be to the enemies to see the valiant moving forward with poise and dignity under all challenging circumstances. . . . Doing the will of God on a daily basis leaves no time for contention or confrontation.²

Teach Your Children the Gospel

Continue to teach your children the gospel, even if you have to do it alone. “And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children” (Isaiah 54:13). Teach them to pray, pay tithing, and keep the commandments. President Howard W. Hunter taught, “Take seriously your responsibility to teach the gospel to your family through regular family home evening, family prayer, devotional and scripture-reading time, and other teaching moments”.⁸

Even though divorce creates pain, distress, and conflict, your home can be a place where the spirit dwells. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught:¹⁰

Every home is a house of learning, either for good or otherwise. Family members may learn to be obedient, honest, industrious, self-reliant, and faithful in living gospel principles, or they may learn something else. Learning the gospel in the homes of Church members should be centered on the scriptures and on the words of latter-day prophets. . . . My brothers and sisters, if you will make your home a house of prayer and fasting, faith, learning and glory, and order, it can become a house of God. If you build your homes on the foundation rock of our Redeemer and the gospel, they can be sanctuaries where your families can be sheltered from the raging storms of life”¹⁰

Love Your Children

Children need to be certain that they are loved by their parents, especially after divorce. While divorce does unavoidably harm children, “the principle of love can overcome many parental mistakes in the raising of children”.³

President Howard W. Hunter said, “A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child”.⁷

Being a loving and righteous parent, including a single parent, will bring great joy to you and to your children. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life’s most satisfying compensation”.⁵

Be the Best Parent You Can Be

The most important thing you can do to help your child adjust to divorce is to be the best parent possible. Learn more about parenting skills and apply them, be a good example, live the gospel, and pray. The Lord taught, “Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your . . . children may be blessed” (3 Ne. 18:21).

The Lord recognizes the struggles that you face as a parent, and President Boyd K. Packer offers these words of comfort: “ All too often, a parent is left alone to raise children. The Lord has a way of strengthening that parent to meet alone what should be the responsibility of two parents”.⁹

President Gordon B. Hinckley gave the following encouraging counsel to single mothers:⁶

If when [children] are very small there is much of affection, there is shown much of love, there is prayer together, then there will more likely be peace in the hearts and strength in the character of your children. Teach them the ways of the Lord. . . . The more surely you rear your children in the ways of the gospel of Jesus Christ, with love and high expectation, the more likely that there will be peace in their lives. Set an example for them. That will mean more than all the teaching you can give them. Do not overindulge them. Let them grow up with respect for and understanding of the meaning of labor, of working and contributing to the home and its surroundings, with some way of earning some of their own expense money. Let your sons save for missions, and encourage them to prepare themselves, not only financially, but spiritually and in an attitude to go out to serve the Lord without selfishness of any kind. I do not hesitate to promise that if you will do so, you will have reason to count your blessings.⁶

Written by Kristi Tanner, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Anderson, G. P. (1972, November). Explaining divorce to children. Ensign, 56-58.
2. Ashton, M. J. (1980, November). Adversity and you. Ensign, 54-60.
3. Dunn, L. C. (1974, November). Our precious families. Ensign, 9-11.
4. The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles. (1995, November). The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Ensign, 102.
5. Hinckley, G. B. (1994, November). Save the children. Ensign, 52-54.
6. Hinckley , G. B. (1995, November). Stand strong against the wiles of the world. Ensign, 98-101.
7. Hunter, H. W. (1983, November). Parents' concern for children. Ensign, 63-65.
8. Hunter, H. W. (1994, November). Being a righteous husband and father. Ensign, 49-51.
9. Packer, B. K. (2002, May). Children. Ensign, 7-10.
10. Wirthlin, J. B. (1993, May). Spiritually strong homes and families. Ensign, 68-71.