Getting Involved With Your Nieces and Nephews

We all have a family. Even if not all of us are married or have children, many of us have siblings who do have children. We can create relationships with our nieces and nephews to become close to them, and to help our brothers and sisters with family difficulties. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that "Extended families should lend support when needed." Through the unique relationship that exists between aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews, there are many things that you can do to be a positive influence in your niece or nephew's life.

Why are the aunt and uncle relationships so unique?

For the most part, people can't choose whether or not to have a relationship with their parents. They grow up in the same house, they see each other and talk together daily, and they have an ongoing, hopefully positive relationship. Aunts and uncles have more freedom than parents in choosing to develop a relationship with a niece or nephew, and both must be interested in forming that bond. Aunts and uncles desiring to be close to their nieces and nephews can choose ways to interact with them that will strengthen their relationship.¹ This suggests that you can create the kind of relationship that you want to have with your niece or nephew; there is no one pattern that you must follow. Another factor that distinguishes this relationship from other family ties is that it is less structured; there are many different roles that aunts and uncles can have, and to a certain extent they can choose which roles to cultivate.

A variety of roles

Role model. One of the most important roles for aunts and uncles is to be a role model. A role model is someone that influences our behavior just by us observing how they act. Aunts and uncles can influence their nieces and nephews just by what they do, without saying a word. Aunts can also show their nieces an example of what they may want to be. They can give examples of the roles of a career woman, a wife, a mom, and a productive citizen of society. If an aunt leads a different lifestyle than the child's mom, it can give the niece an alternate example of what she wants to do with her life.² For instance, if a niece has a stay-at-home mom but she wants to know how to manage working with a family life and her aunt is a therapist, she can talk to her aunt about how she balances these two roles. In India, an aunt who was a nurse inspired two of her nieces to take up nursing, even though it is not a popular career choice in their country.³ They were able to see the rewards of that kind of career and became interested in pursuing it themselves.

One way that uncles can be a good role model is to show good examples of a masculine role.⁴ They can teach their nephews that it is important to be kind to women and to help others. This can be particularly helpful if these children do not have a positive male figure in their home. It will benefit them to have a trusted adult to guide them rather than looking to their friends and the media.

Unfortunately, some aunts and uncles are not good examples and may have behaviors that parents don't want to be passed down to their children.² It is up to parents to determine how they want to influence this relationship, but many of the older nieces and nephews in a study by Milardo were able to see the faults in their aunts and uncles and to take that into consideration when deciding what behaviors to emulate.⁴ One uncle in this study was an alcoholic, and his nephew could see how this had caused problems in his uncle's life. He still was close to his uncle, but he did not want to follow this behavior. Accordingly, children can learn both from the good and bad that they see.

Mentors to nieces and nephews. Aunts and uncles can also take on the role of mentor. Mexican-American youth, who are quite close to their extended family, rely on aunts and uncles (and other extended family members) for emotional mentoring, or modeling and teaching correct emotional behavior.⁵ Mentoring is a bit different from being a role model because in mentoring you are more active in teaching your nieces and nephews instead of just being an example. Perhaps in certain situations an aunt or uncle could encourage their niece to gently break up with an unwanted boyfriend in a kindly way, instead of simply modeling kind behavior. Aunts and uncles can mentor by sharing their observations and experiences, which can influence a niece or nephew's behavior. They can also be a sounding board for ideas, and it may be helpful to go to an aunt or uncle to discuss sensitive topics if youth feel too awkward or uncomfortable talking to their parents. It is helpful for aunts and uncles to be an additional supportive adult for nieces and nephews to go to.⁴

Mentors to parents. Aunts and uncles can also be mentors to parents. Parents may want someone to talk to about difficulties they are having with their children. Aunts and uncles can listen to parents' frustrations, share information from what they have observed or know about their niece or nephew, and can act as a confirmation or second opinion in how parents should interact with their child.⁴

Friend. As aunts and uncles do not have the responsibility of parenting, they can also be more of a friend with their nieces and nephews. An important quality that many nieces and nephews name in their parents' siblings is their ability to have fun. This friendship allows the aunts and nieces (or uncles and nephews) to be involved in common activities they enjoy, such as sports or shopping.² Aunts can help foster enthusiasm in their favorite activities by sharing these interests with their nieces, which will help them to bond over those common interests. One important distinction between acting more like a parent and acting more like a friend is often reciprocity. Friends are more likely to give back to their friends with emotional support, advice, or suggestions. Milardo found that if you have this kind of relationship with your niece or nephew, they may be supporting you as you support them.⁴

Supplemental parents. One role that aunts and uncles often have that is very important is to act as supplemental parents. Aunts and uncles can be complementary to their siblings by providing additional support to fill the needs that the parents are unable to take care of themselves. This can include providing another supportive adult that kids can go to, to do their hair before a school dance, or by helping to drive them to all the places they need to go. Uncles and aunts can also reinforce the ideas that parents are trying to teach, such as the importance of education or being kind to your siblings. Aunts and moms can collaborate on good parenting ideas for the child, and discuss parenting methods.⁴ Through the aunt's unique relationship with her niece, she may have additional ideas for parenting to add to the mom's ideas.

Buffers between parents and children. Aunts and uncles can also act as intergenerational buffers. This means that they can help mediate the relationship between parent and child. Instead of siding with one or the other, uncles and aunts can help each family member to try and see the other's side of the argument.⁴ Of course, you do not want to be constantly in the middle of their fights, but you can help soothe tensions that may exist between them.

Surrogate parent. In some families, the aunt or uncle acts as a surrogate parent. This can vary from acting as a second mom by helping to raise the child, giving childcare, or even letting your niece or nephew live with you while they work out problems with their own parents.² This is very demanding, but can be a great help to the parents. If one of the parents is emotionally or physically not in the home, aunts and uncles can step up and help out on a daily basis with the available parent. This can help add some balance to the home when there is only one parent.⁴ There are also situations of kinship care where the aunt or uncle and their family take in the niece or nephew and raise them as their own child, when the parents are unable to do so. This is more beneficial for the child than traditional foster care, but it can be very taxing on the aunt and uncle.⁶ It is important to really consider how this could affect your own family before taking on this kind of role. There will be some struggles, simply because you are not their birth parent. It is important to distinguish between acting as a surrogate parent and trying to take over the parent's job. It is very critical that you do not overstep your role as aunt or uncle unless absolutely necessary.

There are also many other roles that you can take on; being a good listener, giving advice, providing unconditional support, or telling your nieces and nephews of their family history.^2,4 It's easy to get overwhelmed and to think that there's no way you can do all of these roles. The nice thing about being an aunt or uncle is that none of these roles are required; you can determine what you want to do. If you don't want to get in the middle of parents and children fighting, don't. If you want to play tennis with your niece, do! You can choose what roles and activities you have time for and are willing to do. Only you can determine what will be good for your relationship.

Benefits of the relationship

Your relationships with your nieces and nephews are probably more important than you think, particularly if you spend frequent amounts of time with them. Two different studies show that the more relationships and frequent contact youth had with extended family members, the less likely they were to be involved in sexual risk-taking, or unsafe sexual practices.^7,8 Extended family relationships also influenced the amount of education obtained.⁹ If relatives dropped out of high school, the nieces and nephews were more likely to do so, but they were also more likely to attend college if they had extended family members who had done so. Extended families were also an asset for children adjusting to school.⁹ Thus extended family members, including aunts and uncles, can be a significant influence on the choices their nieces and nephews make.

Aunts and uncles can also be an additional resource to families who are struggling. For Mexican youth and Mexican-American immigrants, extended family members represent additional emotional and financial resources that families depend upon.⁴ For youth who need help, aunts and uncles can provide the extra support they need. Additionally, African-American youth who have alcoholic parents are better able to cope if they have good relationships with their extended kin.³ Particularly in cases of resource-poor youth, aunts and uncles help to supplement parents, helping the children to be resilient in the face of their difficulties.

This relationship can be supportive for aunts and uncles as well. For those who are childless but desire to help those of the next generation (known as generativity), aunts and uncles can find a way to do this through their nieces and nephews.¹³ Helping and mentoring them can bring about satisfaction they may not have felt otherwise. For those who desire children, having a relationship with their siblings' children can help fill that need to connect with children. By having a relationship with your nieces and nephews when they are children, you are often fostering a lifelong bond, and the relationship becomes more friend-like as the children get older.⁴

How to achieve a positive relationship with your nieces and nephews

• Give them new experiences. The idea is to give them novel experiences, to distract them from the hassles of everyday life.⁴ If they never go to museums with their own family, take them to an art museum. You can also get them special treats, such as taking them out for ice cream. By doing things with you that they don't normally do, their time with you will be considered extra-special.²

• Seek to meet a need. Maybe they need help in figuring out their parents; maybe they need someone to talk to or someone to drive them to soccer practice, or maybe they just need a good example to follow. When you meet their needs, they will be happier and will want to become closer to you.²

• Invest in the relationship. If you want to be close to your nieces and nephews, you need to take the first step and initiate contact. Children may feel too intimidated to talk to an adult, so you may need to make the first move if you want to become close to them.⁴ Pashos and McBurney found that by proactively initiating a relationship with your niece or nephew, you are more likely to become closer than if you wait for them to talk to you.¹⁴ If you do choose to initiate a relationship, be committed to it. This will be a long relationship; you will always be their aunt or uncle.⁸

• Keep in touch. According to the research by Milardo, social distance is more important than physical distance in relationships.⁴ This means that living close to relatives does not guarantee closeness, and living far apart doesn't have to equal distance. Telephone calls, e-mail, webcams, and social networking sites can all be helpful in keeping touch with kin.^4,15 Some nieces and nephews may create blogs, or websites where they detail what is going on in their life|some families may find these helpful in keeping up-to-date on their family member's activities.

• Provide emotional support. There are many ways to show emotional support. Many kids just need encouragement; you can encourage them to try out for the school play or the soccer team if they are nervous, or to try new things, or to be more positive.² Milardo states in his research that you can also give advice through encouragement.⁴ Knowing someone wants them to do well can motivate them. Continuity is an important part of this being there when they need you is important.⁴ It is more important that they know that they can depend on you if something happens, even if they don't actually need your support.¹ Try to be understanding to what they are going through|you were a child once too.⁸

• Enjoy common interests. When you find something in common that you both like, enjoy it together. If you both like rollerblading, take them to a rink and skate together. If they like movies, take them to the theater, just the two of you. When you enjoy spending time together, you are more likely to want to spend time together in the future. Your nieces and nephews should think of time with you as being fun, so try to think of fun things to do with them when they are around.⁴ However, be careful not to interfere in their relationships with their parents. You don't want to replace the relationships of your nieces and nephews with their parents; you want to have your own unique relationship with them.

• Strengthen family relationships. By keeping the extended family strong as a whole, you can become closer to your nieces and nephews. Family members become close if other family members are close. For instance, you will probably be closer to your nieces if you are closer to your sister, their mother. Your relationships with your siblings will have a big influence on your relationships with their children.⁴ Parents can encourage their siblings and children to become closer if they want their sibling and child to have a good relationship. Aunts can support moms by reinforcing the teachings of the parents.⁴ Don't encourage your nieces and nephews to disobey their parents; you want to teach them to respect their parents. If you don't respect your siblings, your nieces and nephews will learn not to respect them either. Aunts and uncles can also encourage extended family traditions to bring the whole family together.⁴ Holidays, cultural events, or even a monthly movie night can give family members the opportunity to become close to one another.

Some of you may not be very emotionally close to your nieces and nephews, particularly if they live far away. It is important to remember that even if you aren't very close to your nieces and nephews, you can still be important to them and be an influence on their life. Whether you connect with them a lot or a little, you want to make every moment with them strengthen your relationship.

For more information:

What Aunts Do best/What Uncles Do Best by Laura Joffe Numeroff

Aunties: Our Older, Cooler, Wiser Friends by Julienne Bennett

Aunties: 35 Writers Celebrate Their Other Mother Ingrid Sturgis

The Uncle Book: Everything You Need to Know to Be a Kid's Favorite Relative by Jesse Cogan

Websites to check out:

http://www.savvyauntie.com/

Written by Kaitlin M. Miller, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Langer, N. & Ribarich, M. (2007). Aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews: Kinship relations over the lifespan. Educational Gerontology, 33, 75-83.
2. Ellingson, L. L., & Sotirin, P. J. (2006). Exploring young adults' perspectives on communication with aunts. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23, 483-501.
3. O'Dowd, A. (2005). Follow the leader. Nursing Standard, 19, 24-26.
4. Milardo, R. M. (2010). The forgotten kin. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
5. Sanchez, B., Reyes, O., & Singh, J. (2006). A qualitative examination of the relationships that serve a mentoring function for Mexican American older adolescents. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 12, 615-631.
6. Bowen, M. (2007). Complex palliative care and transition: A case review. Pediatric Nursing, 19, 42-45.
7. Landau, J., Cole, R. E., Tuttle, J., Clements, C. D., & Stanton, M. D. (2000). Family connectedness and women's sexual risk behaviors: Implications for the prevention/intervention of STD/HIV infection. Family Process, 39, 461-475.
8. Guzman, B. L., Schlehoffer-Sutton, M. M., Villaneuva, C. M., Dello Stritto, M. E., Casad, B. J., & Feria, A. (2003). Let's talk about sex: How comfortable discussions about sex impact teen sexual behavior. Journal of Health Communication, 8, 583-598.
9. Loury, L. D. (2006). All in the extended family: Effects of grandparents, aunts, and uncles on educational attainment. Consequences of Social Interactions, 96, 275-278.
10. Levitt, M. J., Levitt, J., Bustos, G. L., Crooks, N. A., Santos, J. D., & Telan, P. et al. (2005). Patterns of social support in the middle childhood to early adolescent transition: Implications for adjustment. Social Development, 14, 398-420.
11. 'Iaupuni, S. M. K., Donato, K. M., Thompson-Colon, T., & Stainback, M. (2005). Counting on kin: Social networks, social support, and child health status. Social Forces, 83, 1137-1164.
12. Hall, J. C. (2008). The impact of kin and fictive kin relationships on the mental health of black adult children of alcoholics. Health and Social Work, 33, 259-266.
13. Rothrauff, T., & Cooney, T. M. (2008). The role of generativity in psychological well-being: Does it differ for childless adults and parents? Journal of Adult Development, 15, 148-159.
14. Pashos, A., & McBurney, D. H. (2008). Kin relationships and the caregiving biases of grandparents, aunts and uncles. Human Nature, 19, 311-330.
15. Georgas, J., Mylonas, K., Bafiti, T., Poortinga, Y. H., Christakopoulou, S., & Kabitcibasi, C. et al. (2001). Functional relationships in the nuclear and extended family: A 16 culture study. International Journal of Psychology, 36, 289-300.

What kinds of relationships do you have with your nieces and nephews? Do they live nearby or far away? Do you talk to them frequently or just send a card on their birthdays? Or, do you find it difficult to remember their names sometimes? The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "Extended families should lend support when needed" (¶ 6). We can support our extended families, particularly our nieces and nephews, by creating good relationships with them. The kind of relationships we build with our nieces and nephews depends largely on our own efforts, though the relationship itself should be mutual. If we want to have strong, close relationships with them, what can we do to make this happen?

First, a kind perspective of our extended family will help us to do that. We can think of our extended family relationships as an opportunity to love and serve others, or we can see it as a burden to keep in contact with them. It's our choice.

"Whether we live in the same city in which other members of our family live, or far away, or even whether we have any living relatives, our choices are the same. Our extended family can be seen as a natural extension of ourselves, or they can be seen as distractions from our own needs and interests".¹

By keeping a positive attitude about your relationship, you can look forward to spending more time together with your nieces and nephews. As one person said, "Opportunities for involvement in the loving process abound in our lives. They are there not for the asking, but for the doing".² There are many ways that we can connect and love and become close to our nieces and nephews. The problem isn't how to this, but to take that first step to build a relationship.

Second, include them as a part of our lives. For example, one family invites a nephew and his family over each Saturday during football season to enjoy the game and munchies, to everyone's delight. By including extended family members as part of our family relationships, we are including them in the circle of love in our lives. The best thing that we can do is to love them. When we love our nieces and nephews, we will want to care for them and do what is best for them so that they may be happy. When we reach out with love to our extended family, we will be filling our lives with what matters most family.¹

Why is this relationship important?

Parents are not the only influential adult figures for children, as other extended family members frequently take on some of the parenting actions as well. Elder Robert D. Hales commented, "Many adult members of the extended family do much parenting in their own right. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins, and other family members can have a great impact on the family".³ You may have the goal of having an eternal family. Through righteous living, we can live with our immediate and extended family for eternity by being sealed in the temple.⁴

The prophet Malachi states that the hearts of the children will be turned to their fathers, and the fathers to the children or there will be a curse upon the earth (Malachi 4:6). This does not only have to refer to direct descendants|you can also turn toward your nieces and nephews, and they to you. By attending the temple, we will feel the love and desire to help all of our extended family. We can share that love with our nieces and nephews so that they are also turned towards those who came before them.

"When you come to the temple you will love your family with a deeper love than you have ever felt before. The temple is about families. As my wife, Karen, and I have increased our temple service, our love for each other and for our children has increased. And it doesn't stop there. It extends to parents, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, forebears, and especially our grandchildren! This is the Spirit of Elijah, which is the spirit of family history work; and when inspired by the Holy Ghost, it prompts the turning of the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers..."⁵

You can take the opportunity to share the spirit of Elijah and the love of God with your nieces and nephews. Many aunts and uncles can have a unique opportunity to be an influence in their life as a trusted adult, one who can both give advice and unconditional love.

How can we strengthen our relationships with our nieces and nephews?

• Pray for family members. By praying for them, you can try to see your nieces and nephews how God sees them by trying to see them from this perspective, you can see what they really need. This, in turn, will help you know what to pray for when wanting to help them.⁶

• Communicate with cards, letters, and video. Young children in particular love receiving mail. Make a card, or send them a small gift, such as stickers or hair ties. It will feel more personal if you add some kind of personal touch. There is something special about receiving a card in the mail compared to one on the internet⁷. Video is also helpful for seeing the changes as your nieces and nephews grow up. You can mail tapes to each other or use a web camera to talk to those who are far away. Even if you can't physically visit your nieces and nephews on Christmas, for instance, you could mail them their gifts and then have them open their presents on camera so that you can watch.

• Find common interests. In one extended family, they would have a contest to guess who would win football games during each football season. This helped family members to keep in touch and to discuss something they all enjoyed.⁷ It doesn't have to be sports; you could discuss books, movies, or anything else the family holds in common.

• Start a family newsletter. Have those in your extended family (such as grandparents, siblings, and all of your children) write something about what the family is up to each month. To make it easier, everyone could send their family stories to one person, who organizes them all and sends them out. Staying in touch with family members, knowing what is going on in their lives can help everyone to remain close, even when they don't see each other often.⁷

• Visit them, when possible. If you live close by, visit your nieces and nephews frequently. Take advantage of the closeness, because you may not always live nearby. Perhaps there can be an extended family dinner once a month, or family softball every Saturday in Grandpa's backyard. If you do not live close, try to have a family reunion now and then to meet together.

• Exchange family histories and family group sheets. You can share your common family history knowledge with your nieces and nephews. By learning about your ancestors, you can create a family history record together. One person found a long-lost cousin through working together on family history, and with this discovery began relationships with her children, his nieces, and nephews.

• Remember important occasions. Attend a niece or nephew's mission farewell (or homecoming) and wedding celebrations. By acknowledging this important stage in their life you are telling them that they are important in your life.⁴

• Hold a joint Family Home Evening. If you live near your siblings, invite their families over for FHE. Families can grow closer in a spiritual context through discussing gospel principles together. During their lifetime, President and Sister Hinckley would invite their extended family|their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren over once a month for Family Home Evening.⁸ This frequent interaction can introduce good relationships between aunts and uncles and their nieces and nephews.

• Reach out. Elder James E. Faust encouraged, "I would urge members of extended families|grandparents, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, cousins|to reach out in concern, to succor. Mostly what is needed from grandparents, aunts, and uncles is unreserved love manifest as interest and concern. It builds confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth".⁹

• Give service. Whether we are the one giving the service or receiving it, we will be blessed. President Monson recalls his father taking time in his busy schedule to help care for an invalid uncle and his elderly aunts.³ Relatives can help each other by giving service to one another. Help out your siblings by caring for your nieces and nephews for free now and then. Help them to do a garage sale or clean up the yard. You can also give service together|help your nieces and nephews to create a surprise birthday present for their mom, or bake cookies for a school activity.

Written by Kaitlin M. Miller, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, professor in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

1. Extended family relationships (1986, October). Ensign, 57.
2. Miltenberger, M. (1988, March). Happiness--There's not a single barrier. Tambuli, 39.
3. Monson, T. S. (1992, May). An attitude of gratitude. Ensign, 54.
4. Lesson twenty-two: our extended family (1997). Family Home Evening Resource Book, 95.
5. Winkel, R. H. (2006, November). The temple is about families. Liahona, 9-11.
6. Burton, M. (2002, October). Strengthening relationships. Ensign, 22-23.
7. Batchelor, K. B. (2002, October). Bridging the distance. Ensign, 24-25.
8. Gardner, M. K. & Searle, D. L. (2003, October). [Interview with G. and M. Hinckley]. At home with the Hinckleys. Liahona, 32.
9. Faust, J. E. (1991, October). Where is the church? Tambuli, 27.
10. Hales, R. D. (1999, May). Strengthening families: Our sacred duty. Ensign, 32.