Forgiveness In Families

The concept of forgiveness has recently received considerable of attention from researchers, the media, and people in general. Today, a person can hear about forgiveness practically anywhere. Once thought to be exclusively a religious doctrine, the notion of forgiveness has rapidly moved beyond religious borders into mainstream society. It seems the more that people are forgiving, the more the benefits of forgiveness are being discovered. In fact, forgiveness has recently been the focus of a great deal of scientific study.

Consider the couple devastated by the confession of an affair, a parent and a child severed by high conflict during the boy's youth, the survivor of childhood sexual abuse, or an individual consumed by hatred toward a family member who wronged them. In each of these examples, those involved all face a common challenge-the challenge of forgiveness. Many people might consider this task to be one of lesser importance or even an unrealistic expectation in response to some of life's experiences with others. Such a view, however, betrays a lack of understanding of what forgiveness is and how truly powerful a remedy it can be in healing hearts and relationships.

The purpose of this article is to illustrate the most recent scientific findings and religious teachings, as well as answer some frequently asked questions concerning forgiveness.

What Is Forgiveness?

This question lies at the heart of understanding the process of forgiveness. Therefore, it has received a lot of attention from researchers. The most widely accepted definition of forgiveness among scientists comes from one of the nations leading researchers on forgiveness, Dr. Robert Enright. He defines forgiveness as:

". . . The overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with benevolence, compassion, and even love, while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them. The important parts of this definition are as follows: a) one who forgives has suffered a deep hurt, thus showing resentment; b) the offended person has a moral right to resentment but overcomes it nonetheless; c) a new response to the other accrues, including compassion and love; d) this loving response occurs despite the realization that there is no obligation to love the offender".¹⁶

In other words, forgiving involves changing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationship to the offender. Bad feelings and judgment toward the offender are reduced, not because the offender doesn't "deserve" such treatment, but because the victim has willingly viewed the offender with compassion, benevolence, and love.

Researcher Michael E. McCullough proposes a different definition of forgiveness. To him, forgiveness is a "pro-social change in the motivation to avoid or to seek revenge against a transgressor."⁹ In other words, forgiveness is deciding not to seek revenge or avoid someone who has done you wrong. His definition does not include any of the emotional or thinking changes that Dr. Enright thinks are important.

Forgiveness seems to involve a "letting go" of negative feelings brought about by another's actions towards you. It is acknowledging the wrongdoing but releasing the wrongdoer from any accountability to you. It is overcoming negative feelings and judgment towards the offender. It is viewing the other person with an attitude of love, even if the offender does not offer the same gift to us. It seems to go against the common ideas of "an eye for an eye," revenge, or holding grudges. The person who forgives makes this often-difficult choice of his or her own free will.

Forgiveness and Bondage

Notice that the word forgive suggests action. It is not a something that "sits" or an "object" that is numbly passed from person to person. More accurately, it is not even a "something." It is an "active, doing, being" part of life. It is found in the heartfelt words of sorrow between marital partners; it is manifest in the willingness of family members to encourage the relief of shame or guilt from a loved one who has offended or erred. When couples and families fail to forgive, unequal relationships are created and maintained. True closeness is an impossibility because the "offended" is in a position of holding the "offender" in bondage, and the obsession with being wronged and seeking revenge holds the victim in bondage as well. The person who made the mistake or hurt the other is kept in a "one down" position of being indebted to the other.⁷

The following phrases are common to such a situation:

"I'm (the offended) going to make you (the offender) pay for what you did."

"You're (offender) never going to live this down."

"You (offender) owe me. I'm (offended) going to get even with you."

"I'll (offended) hold this against you (offender) for the rest of your life."

"I'll (offended) get you (offender) for this." ^{(Markman, et al., 2001)}

These statements represent the frequent and harsh real-life experience of many couples and families. When partners and family members are unwilling to forgive, however, they set themselves up for increased resentment, conflict, frustration, and ultimately despair and heartache. In the wake of such experiences, sometimes a "debtor" (the one who wronged) declares a type of "bankruptcy" and walks away from the relationship.

Forgiveness and Double Bondage

Some people might raise the question at this point, "It sure seems that attention is being given to helping the person who wronged someone else feel better; what about the person who was wronged? Is forgiveness only for the benefit of the person making the mistake?" Actually no.

Being able to forgive is a gift you give yourself. It benefits not only the person who is forgiven but also the person who forgives. Remember the idea of an unwillingness to forgive leading to an unequal relationship where the offender is in a one-down position? Not only is the person who wronged another in bondage, so to speak, to the individual he/she wronged, he/she is in bondage with that same person. The reason for this is that the person who is unwilling to forgive never is able to remove him- or herself from the power of the previous wrong.

For example, a wife makes a hasty decision to throw away a lot of her husband's "garbage" that she thinks clutters the garage and has for some time. When he gets home and looks for various tools and parts for a project he was working on in the garage, to his horror he finds that some of his tools and supplies needed for the project were part of the "garbage" his wife threw out. He gets furious and responds with something like, "I can't believe you did that! Do you know how much those things cost?!? I know you did that on purpose--you've never liked my interest in those things anyway. I'm never going to let you live this down!"

What has happened? The wife is apparently doomed to be the recipient of her husband's resentment and bitterness for a long while. To this extreme, it is likely that no matter what she does, she will never be able to "make it up" to him. But what about the husband? He is also doomed to the bondage of that resentment and bitterness because he is the one who feels them. No matter how hard he tries to pass them on to his wife, he will always be the one from whom such feelings flow.

Not forgiving his wife puts this man in bondage to the power of those emotions which, over time, may likely canker his thoughts, feelings, and actions in other areas of life. Plus, this obsession with the offender and the offending event saps emotional and mental energy that would otherwise be available for more constructive pursuits. This man refuses to let his wife repair what has happened and by so doing makes himself a slave to ill will. This principle is especially important for survivors of abuse.

To make the point even further, consider what research regarding forgiveness has found: People who are forgiving:

• Have better physical health.
• Have better emotional health.
• Have lower levels of anger and hostility.
• Are less likely to engage in behaviors related to cardiovascular disease (such as anger and harmful stress responses).
• May well have better health as they age.
• Experience greater emotional adjustment and personal power.³

It appears that forgiveness really is a gift you give yourself. Forgiveness is crucial for all families. M. E. McCullough and colleagues, forgiveness researchers, even suggest that family members from all families must humbly seek and grant forgiveness so that their relationships can survive.⁹

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not forgetting. According to Markman and colleagues, when people say "forgive and forget," they usually mean putting the wrong doing in the past and not letting it consume your thinking and feeling. This is beneficial. It represents a willingness to give up holding the infraction over the head of the person who was responsible for it. In light of the above discussion, such a choice sets both people free. Such a choice does not, however, necessarily mean that a person will lose his or her memory of the event. Fortunately, forgiveness allows the experience to acquire a new meaning for those involved. Offenses and the experiences surrounding them - once forgiven - can become stepping stones to relationship growth rather than stumbling blocks impeding it.⁷

Forgiveness is also not an immediate and complete disappearing of pain possibly associated with a wrong.⁷ One of the myths regarding forgiveness is that if a person still feels pain from being wronged, they haven't truly forgiven. Not true. There is a difference between feeling hurt and being consumed by vindictiveness and revenge. A person may experience such feelings (hurt, sorrow) for some time after having forgiven another (letting go of vindictive/vengeful desires).

Who Works Through Forgiveness Issues?

Unless a person is absolutely isolated from the rest of humankind, his or her relationships are with fallible individuals capable of knowingly or unknowingly inflicting pain through wrong doings and/or mistakes. In other words, the potential to be wronged and feel the hurt that comes with such experiences is common to all people. Consequently, we must all negotiate forgiveness issues, whether we are in need of being forgiven or doing the forgiving.

Specifically, it is helpful to understand that receiving or giving forgiveness occurs in one of three areas:

• Forgiving and self
• Forgiveness and others
• Forgiveness and Deity (If and however Deity is perceived by the individual, couple, and/or family).
• Forgiveness and Self

People commonly make mistakes that hurt not only others but themselves as well. Trying to work things out and seek forgiveness from another person or persons is a task separate from forgiving oneself. At times, the process of self-forgiveness can be very difficult. Consider the person who makes a commitment to stay away from pornography or illicit drugs, and then for whatever reason falls back into engaging in either. For some such persons, the decision is painful and self-blame is the burden they carry.

In the Handbook of Self Forgiveness, forgiveness of oneself is described as a difficult struggle.¹⁵ This is because the process of self-forgiveness is so often related to negative patterns of thinking within a person. In addition, people who try in vain to forgive themselves often suffer from misguided perfectionism and unhealthy shame.⁷ The following thoughts might be common to the person struggling with self-forgiveness.

"I can't believe I said that. I'm so stupid." (This could be replaced with "I said something stupid, but I can . . .")

"What a dumb decision, that's the biggest mistake I've ever made. Now I'll never be able to . . . " (This could be replaced with "Everyone makes mistakes. It won't . . . ")

"I've tried my hardest, but let's face it, I just can't . . ." (This could be replaced with "What matters is that I've done my best . . .")

Forgiveness and Others

All of us have a need to seek forgiveness from others as well as forgive others. Recognizing when to seek it and when to give it is important. When it comes to forgiving others, it is crucial to highlight an important matter regarding reconciliation in the forgiveness process.

Reconciliation refers to restoring one's relationship with his or her offender.⁷ In many cases, this is a worthwhile and appropriate goal. Forgiving others and reconciling the relationship releases both parties from bondage to bitterness, anger, and or resentment, and it aids in restoring or healing the relationship between them. But in some cases (such as sexual or physical abuse), reconciliation with a perpetrator may invite further harm and can, therefore, be dangerous.CAUTION: Only when an offender or perpetrator is fully recovered from abusive behavior, and the forgiver confident that he or she will not be in any further harm or danger, may reconciliation be potentially desirable. It is a personal matter between the parties (and often with professional assistance) and should be a matter of high discretion. If reconciliation is not desired or possible, the person forgiving should realize that he or she may still forgive the offender because forgiveness is a gift you give yourself to free you from an obsession with the offender and the offending event.

Forgiveness and Deity

It is common for people of various religious orientations or faiths to associate a need for forgiveness with a higher power. Regardless of one's religious persuasion, if such a belief exists, it is possible for that person to seek forgiveness from a transcendent source. For many people, once such a feeling or perception is experienced, they are aided in being able to forgive themselves of personal grievances and others of wrongs more easily.

Should I Forgive?

Yes! At least that is what a growing body of scientific research and hundreds of years of religion is saying. Forgiveness brings with it better physical health, a release of emotional burdens, improved relationships, increased self-esteem, better mental health, and a host of other benefits.

Dr. Charlotte Witvliet (in press), a researcher at Hope College, recently looked at some of the physical health benefits of forgiving. She discovered that, among other things, people who don't forgive typically have higher heart rates and blood pressure and other physical problems directly attributed to not forgiving.

Other research links the unforgiving responses of blame, anger, and hostility with poor health, particularly coronary heart disease and even premature death.^{1, 11, 19} Other research links forgiveness with the reduction of chronic pain, cardiovascular problems, and a reduction of violent behavior.¹⁴ Dr. Freedman and Dr. Enright discovered that forgiveness was linked to increased hope, and decreased levels of depression and anxiety among a group of incest survivors they worked with.³

Whom Should I Forgive?

Throughout life, we experience many wrongdoings. From a person cutting in front of us in traffic to severe abuse of any type, opportunities to harbor ill feelings towards another are experienced daily. No one is exempt from having people wrong him or her. Poet Robert Frost noted this when he said: "For to be social is to be forgiving." Many natural questions follow from these instances. Whom should I forgive? Are some wrongs simply too great to forgive? If I forgive everyone, won't people start walking all over me? Is forgiving a sign of weakness? These and many other questions are often asked when one considers forgiveness.

While it is understandable to not want to forgive an offender at first, the Christian ethic clearly requires us to forgive: "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matt. 6:14-15).

Research to date has not identified any situation where someone should not be forgiven. In fact, all of the research to date seems to indicate the opposite. While it is understandable to think "forgiving everyone sounds good in theory, but you don't understand all of the bad things that so and so has done to me," much research has highlighted the effects of forgiveness even with people who have had terrible things happen to them. For example, one study examined the effects of forgiveness for incest survivors. Despite the horrible nature of the acts they had to endure, those incest survivors who managed to forgive their perpetrators experienced lower rates of anxiety and depression and higher rates of hopefulness.³

Some people don't forgive because they see forgiveness as a sign of weakness. It is helpful to consider some of the personal qualities often necessary to forgive. These include humility, empathy, courage, integrity, sincerity, honesty, spirituality, a sense of community, love, kindness, mercy, and a host of other qualities. Certainly, all of these attributes are signs of strength, not weakness.

Perhaps the person hardest to forgive is our self. To date, there have been no scientific studies that address the consequences of not forgiving our self, but religious leaders have commented extensively on that topic. Boyd K. Packer said of forgiving yourself: "Often the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive yourself. Discouragement is part of that test. Do not give up. That brilliant morning [of forgiveness] will come."¹²

It is helpful to remember that if the Lord is willing to forgive us (which he expresses throughout scripture), why should we not forgive ourselves? Why should we keep tormenting ourselves for past mistakes if we have done all we can to rectify those mistakes? While this is easier said than done, the realization that we aren't forgiving ourselves, but that we need to, is often the first step to forgiveness.

How Do I Forgive?

Since most of the research on forgiveness is relatively new, there are not many rigorously tested models of forgiveness in the scientific literature. Nevertheless, there are a few concepts that researchers are beginning to discover that are beneficial in the forgiveness process.

Research over the past decade has revealed three consistent themes that occur within a person who forgives.⁴ First, a forgiving person gains a more balanced, empathetic view of the offender and the event. Second, negative feelings towards the offender are decreased as empathy increases. Third, the forgiving person gives up the right to punish the offender.

These three stages seem to be essential in the forgiveness process. A person who skips one of these steps does not manage to fully forgive.

1. Empathy. Dr. McCullough and colleague found that experiencing empathy for the offender greatly influenced the hurt person's ability to forgive. They found that the more a hurt person can see the hurtful act through the offender's eyes, the more likely they are to forgive. Viewing the offender with empathy can be difficult, especially at first, but it seems to be a critical step in the forgiveness process.¹⁰ Dr. Enright also emphasizes the importance of empathy in forgiveness. He suggests that as people develop reasoning skills, they will then experience a greater ability to take on the perspective of others and empathize with their weaknesses, situations and frailties. This makes it easier to release the resentment that the offended person is holding onto. Trying to understand what is happening in the life of the offender at the time they hurt you is one way to experience empathy for them.² A man named Gordon had an experience that illustrates this principle well. Gordon was asked to conduct a large conference, and was given an agenda from his superior that was to be strictly followed. Arrangements were made, and all the people giving presentations were ready in their seats on the day of the conference. A few minutes into one speaker's presentation, Gordon's superior leaned over and told him to get the speaker to stop, as he was not supposed to be speaking. Gordon was confused, as his superior was the one who requested the current presenter to be on the agenda. Gordon responded to his superior's request, standing in front of the hundreds of people in attendance at the conference, and asked the presenter to sit down. After the conference, Gordon's superior stood in front of a large group of people and shouted at him, accusing Gordon of ruining the conference. Gordon was humiliated and embarrassed. He was also dismayed, as he had only been following orders. The opportunity to harbor ill feelings towards his superior was definitely there. Gordon's response illustrates the benefits of empathy very well. Gordon chose not to be upset at his superior, since he did not know what was going on in his superior's life. A few months later, Gordon learned that his superior's son had committed suicide a few days prior to the conference. With this information, his superior's behavior was more understandable, and Gordon was glad that he did not harbor any ill feelings toward his superior.
2. Decrease of Negative Feelings. Typically, as one gains more empathy for the offender, he or she experiences a decrease in negative feelings toward the offending person.⁴ This decrease is essential and paves the way for entrance into the next stage.
3. Abandoning the Right to Seek Punishment. Once a person gains more empathy for the offender and experiences a softening of emotions towards him or her, the next step in forgiveness is to give up the right to punish the person who wronged them. This typically involves actually approaching the person and letting them know that, despite all of the hurt they caused you, you forgive them. You explain that you no longer harbor any ill feelings towards them and that regardless of their past actions, they are in good standing with you.

According to Hargrave and Sells⁶, offering the offender a chance to make restitution for his or her behavior is part of this step. They found that if the offended person gave the offender a chance to apologize for what they did, it was easier for the offended person to forgive.

Nevertheless, it is often the case that the person who hurt you refuses to apologize or show any sorrow for hurting you. In this common case, it is important to remember that true forgiveness occurs regardless of whether or not the person who hurt you apologizes. In fact, it is possible that the person who needs to forgive can grant "temporary forgiveness" to a person who apologizes. In this instance, the offended person withholds any bad feelings or punishing behavior from the offender unless the offender shows signs of hurting the offended again. When these signs occur, the offended often slips back into the unforgiving attitude they had before they received an apology. Therefore, while receiving an apology seems to help in the forgiveness process, be sure that your forgiveness of the offender is not dependent on their future actions. True forgiveness occurs when you harbor no ill feelings towards them, regardless of their actions.

Similar to the three step process described above, Pettitt¹⁴ proposed a five-stage process for people to go through in order to forgive: 1) committing to forgiveness as a way to address the offense; 2) adopting five new perspectives (recognizing the unmet need that prompted the offense, adopting a state of calm, opening oneself to one's role in the offense, desiring a fair course of action, and desiring to find the good in others) 3) changing the images one has stored up regarding the offense; 4) accepting the offense and canceling one's high expectations, and 5) restoring the flow of vitality and love.

In order for forgiveness to take place, a general "softening" needs to occur in the heart of the offended. Many people have found prayer to be an invaluable part of the forgiveness process. Inviting divine help as you try to forgive someone who has offended you is a powerful way to experience a change of heart.

Looking at our motives also helps us forgive. Research has shown that people who are forgiving in order to look good to others do not fully forgive; they still suffer from the negative aspects of not forgiving. In contrast, people who are motivated to forgive simply for the sake of forgiving seem to be able to successfully forgive⁵.

Often it is helpful to realize that the only person being hurt by all the anger and resentment inside you is yourself. Many times, the person who offended you is entirely oblivious to the fact that you are upset with them.

A story from one woman's life illustrates this principle well. A long time ago, she had a disagreement with a neighbor. The more she thought about the wrongs the neighbor had committed, the angrier she became. She harbored these feelings for a number of years. Finally, she realized that she was the one responsible for releasing these feelings from her heart. She eventually got up the courage to approach the neighbor and apologize for her ill feelings toward the neighbor. As it turned out, the neighbor could not even remember the event the woman was talking about! Not only could she not remember the event, she had nothing but respect and admiration for the first woman, who was both relieved and dismayed. It is helpful to ask ourselves who is enduring the most pain as a consequence of our unforgiving attitude.

Of course, there are many different levels of wrongs committed against us. Some wrongdoings require greater effort to forgive than others. How often we let small things grow into enormous burdens to carry on our backs, and yet how easy it is to let some of these go.

How Do I Know When I Have Forgiven Someone?

This is a very difficult question to answer, as forgiveness tends to be a unique process for everyone. There are very few scientific measures that illustrate when a person has forgiven, and the ones that do exist are very complex. For those interested, Michael Subkoviak and Dr. Enright have developed a measurement scale called the Enright Forgiveness Inventory. This scale measures the degree to which you have forgiven someone, but its complex nature requires the help of a mental health professional in interpreting the results¹⁷.

Most people, however, describe their final arrival at forgiveness as having a change in feelings, behaviors, and thoughts. They feel a huge burden lifted from their shoulders and think much more clearly. They understand the perspective of the other person. In addition, they realize they may have played a big part in the offense. They are filled with a feeling of compassion and love for the offender. They also have no more desire to pursue justice with regard to the offender, and they treat the offender with kindness. Their thoughts and actions no longer focus on revenge.

Forgiveness is a unique process; the change one person goes through may not equal the change you go through. However, if you experience a softening in your feelings, more understanding thoughts, and cease revengeful behaviors towards the offender, you are well on your way to forgiving if you have not arrived there already.

How do I Know if I Need to Forgive or be Forgiven?

The following questions are helpful in considering whether a person is in need of forgiving or being forgiven by another:

Need to Forgive:

Do I frequently find myself thinking about the offender and what punishment he or she deserves?

Do I frequently think about the offending event so much that I'm not able to free mental energy for other things?

Are my feelings consumed by bitterness, anger, rage, and revenge toward the offender?

Do I have visual or auditory flashbacks to the offending event accompanied by thoughts of revenge?

Do I consider my health worse off because of my obsession with the offender or the event?

Have I avoided forgiving because I thought it let the offender "off the hook" or condoned what he or she did?

Have I avoided forgiving because I've been so obsessed with the offender I never realized how the forgiving process could free my emotional and mental energy for other things in my life?

Need to be Forgiven:

Do I have significant relationships, especially family? (Everyone who lives in a family has at some time offended another family member, often unintentionally and unknowingly.)

Am I aware that someone holds a grudge against me, even if I consider the grudge unjustified?

Do others claim that I don't admit it when I am wrong or that I never apologize?

Has anyone severed their relationship with me because of something they felt I did or said?

Have I knowingly or unknowingly harmed another person in any way? (Unknowingly if I hear from that person or someone else I have offended them.)

Am I consumed by guilt or shame for what I've done or said?

If I know I've done something wrong, have I done anything to make restitution to those I've harmed?

What Can I Do to Forgive or Be Forgiven?

Being forgiving and seeking others' forgiveness at home is a regular family process and a binding influence. The following principles and practices can help us as we both seek and offer forgiveness⁷.

Forgiving Self

Work toward an understanding that we all make mistakes. In fact, taking risks to make mistakes is a trait of successful people.

Seek to develop and understand a positive sense of personal identity and worth (often tied to religious beliefs, personal values, etc.).

Identify specific issues and/or areas that are at the heart of personal struggle with forgiveness.

Seek forgiveness from anyone you've knowingly offended or who claims you have offended them,even if you are unaware of how you have done that.

Work on identifying negative thoughts and attitudes surrounding what you may have done and becoming less consumed by these thoughts.

Strive to develop new thoughts and actions (replacing the negative ones) more consistent with one's personal sense of identity and worth.

Realize it takes time.

Seeking Forgiveness from Others

Engage in self-confrontation: regularly examine your actions and motives.

Ask "Is it I?" and be first to confess, and apologize, and if appropriate to reconcile and restore your relationship.

Self-disclose: share your feelings and story with family members or loved ones.

Avoid confessions in which you blame or fail to accept responsibility (such as, "I'm sorry, but if you wouldn't have said that . . .").

Search for solutions instead of blame.

Forgiving Others

Live your own forgiveness. We all have experiences where others have forgiven us.

Remember that every person's sense of worth is important; realize that by forgiving them you aid in their personal experience of forgiveness and freedom from bondage.

Seek with all your heart and mind for anger to be lifted (this may often include prayer, meditation, or some other form or practice of religious background and belief).

Develop empathy and emotional understanding for the situation of your offender (for example, do they have parents/children? What were the circumstances surrounding what they did?).

Avoid unnecessary retelling of the offense; dwelling on such reinforces an unforgiving heart as well as solidifies the event in your mind

Remember that forgiving rarely entails memory loss, but freedom from preoccupation with the offense; do not let your thoughts, emotions, and reactions be consumed by the offense.

Steps to Making Forgiveness and Restoration Happen

Here are several steps to making forgiveness happen, suggested by authors Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg in their best selling book Fighting for Your Marriage. These steps represent sound principles that can apply to other relationships and circumstances as well. You may want to review the entire book to get the maximum benefit of what these steps suggest.

Schedule a couple's meeting to discuss the specific issue related to forgiveness. Make sure it's a good time to talk.

Set the agenda to work on the issue in question. You must both agree that you're ready to discuss the issue.

Fully explore the pain and concerns related to this issue for both of you. Talk openly about what has happened that harmed one or both of you. Don't try this unless each of you is motivated to listen and show respect for each other's viewpoints.

The offender asks for forgiveness. A sincere apology is a powerful addition to a request for forgiveness. "I'm sorry. I was wrong--please forgive me" is one of the most healing things that can be said between two people.

The offended agrees to forgive.

If it's applicable, the offender makes a positive commitment to change recurrent patterns or attitudes that give offense.

Expect it to take time.

You may find that forgiveness remains a challenge even after you have done all you can to foster it. Educational programs that focus on helping couples and families improve their ability to recognize and manage experiences that may lead to an offense in relationships may be helpful. The websites for some of the well-known programs are listed at the end of this article.

In some cases, couples or families experience severe problems (such as an affair, abuse, or death) that move beyond the scope of education-based programs. In these cases, the family members may work with a trusted, professional counselor in therapy aimed at improving the ability to manage harmful stress responses with very specific skills and thought processes.

Summary

To summarize, forgiveness seems to involve a softening in one's behavior, feelings, and thoughts towards an offender. The one who forgives has suffered a deep hurt at the hands of the offender, which leads to resentment. Even though the offended person has a moral right to be resentful, they overcome that desire and a new response of compassion and love occurs. This change is freely chosen by the offended person, and it is made even when the offender has no right to the offended person's benevolence.

The benefits of forgiving are recently being discovered by science and have long been taught by religious organizations. Scientifically validated benefits of forgiving include the reduction of chronic pain, cardiovascular problems, a reduction of violent behavior, increased hope, and decreased levels of depression and anxiety. People who don't forgive typically have higher heart rates and blood pressure and other physical problems. The unforgiving responses of blame, anger, and hostility have been linked with poor health, particularly coronary heart disease and even premature death. Most people who have forgiven others will testify of the joy experienced as the emotional burden they had been carrying was released.

Judeo-Christian beliefs teach that nobody is exempt from forgiveness; we should forgive all wrongs that have been done to us, regardless of their severity. Science has documented the benefits of forgiveness in a wide variety of cases, including events as severe as incest. There seems to be no person who is unworthy of forgiveness, and no circumstance where forgiving another will be damaging.

There are a number of models that attempt to explain the forgiveness process. Some models define different stages of forgiveness, with each stage being a different level of severity. These models can be helpful if you are trying to forgive someone but it just is not working. Checking to see what your motives are to forgive, and what they can become, is often helpful for someone who seems to be "stuck" in the forgiveness process. Other models emphasize steps to forgiveness that must be followed, while others emphasize acquiring attributes such as empathy that has been shown to aid the forgiveness process.

However one chooses to forgive, both science and religion agree that forgiveness is always the best option!

Written by Trampas J. Rowden and Sean D. Davis, Graduate Research Assistants, and edited by James M. Harper, Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy, and Stephen F. Duncan, Professor of Family Life, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Helpful Websites

Couple Communication Program: http://www.couplecommunication.comRelationship Enhancement programs: http://www.nire.orgPAIRS programs: http://www.pairs.com/Marital or family therapy: http://www.aamft.org

References

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10. McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., & Rachal, K C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73, 321-336.
11. Miller, T. Q., Smith, T. W., Turner, C. W., Guijarro, M. L., & Hallet, A. J. (1996). Meta-analytic review of research on hostility and physical health. Psychological Bulletin, 119, 322-348.
12. Packer, B. K., (1995, November). The brilliant morning of forgiveness. Ensign, 18.
13. Packer, B. K., (1987, November). Balm of Gilead. Ensign, 16.
14. Pettitt, G. A. (1987). Forgiveness: A teachable skill for creating and maintaining mental health. New Zealand Medical Journal, 100, 180-182.
15. Rutledge, T. (1997). The self-forgiveness handbook: A practical and empowering guide. Oakland, CA, US: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
16. Subkoviak, M., Enright, R., Wu, C-R., Gassin, E., Freedman, S., Olson, L., & Sarinopoulos, I. (1995). Measuring interpersonal forgiveness in late adolescence and middle adulthood. Journal of Adolescence, 18, 641-655.
17. Subkoviak, M., Enright, R., Wu, C-R., Gassin, E., Freedman, S., Olson, L., & Sarinopoulos, I. (1992). Measuring interpersonal forgiveness. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the American Educational Research Association, San Francisco, CA.
18. Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, (1976). Compiled by Joseph F. Smith, Deseret Book Company, p.155.
19. Tennen, H., & Affleck, G. (1990, Sep.). Blaming others for threatening events. Psychological Bulletin, 108, 209-232.
20. Witvliet, C. V. O., Ludwig, T. E., & Vander Laan, K. L. (in press). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science.

Since none of us behaves perfectly in our marriages or families, we have great need to exercise the principle of forgiveness. The Family: A Proclamation to the World identifies forgiveness as an essential element in successful marriages and families. We should nurture the spirit of forgiveness in our homes by being forgiving of one another's sins and shortcomings while we earnestly seek to overcome our own sins and limitations.

Forgiving others is a commandment of the Lord. "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive," read the scriptures, "but of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10). There isn't a limit placed on how often we are to forgive: Christ said, "Until seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22). As mortals, we are not the ones who decide whether or not a person should be forgiven of a transgression against us. The Prophet Joseph F. Smith⁵ said, "Ever keep in exercise the principle of mercy, and be ready to forgive our brother on the first intimations of repentance, and asking forgiveness; and should we even forgive our brother, or even our enemy, before he repent or ask forgiveness, our heavenly Father would be equally merciful unto us" (p. 155).

The Savior taught this same principle when he said, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15). In our day the Lord similarly proclaimed, "My disciples . . . forgave not one another in their hearts; and . . . were afflicted and sorely chastened. Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin." (D&C 64:8-9). Forgiving others is absolutely necessary for us to receive a forgiveness of our sins.

A failure to forgive can have disastrous consequences. President Gordon B. Hinckley¹ recalled one such instance: "I recall listening at length to a couple who sat across the desk from me. There was bitterness between them. I know that at one time their love was deep and true. But each had developed a habit of speaking of the faults of the other. Unwilling to forgive the kind of mistakes we all make, and unwilling to forget them and live above them with forbearance, they had carped at one another until the love they once knew had been smothered. It had turned to ashes with the decree of a so-called 'no-fault' divorce. Now there is only loneliness and recrimination. I am satisfied that had there been even a small measure of repentance and forgiveness, they would still be together, enjoying the companionship that had so richly blessed their earlier years" (p. 4).

On the other hand, genuine forgiveness can be a healing balm:

"A couple . . . married later in life; the wife had been married before, but it was the husband''s first marriage. After several months of marital bliss, a serious disagreement erupted that so hurt the husband emotionally that he could not function at his daily tasks.

"As he reeled from the impact of this confrontation, he stopped to analyze the problem and realized that at least a part of the problem had been his. He went to his bride and stammered awkwardly several times, 'I'm sorry, Honey.' The wife burst into tears, confessing that much of the problem was hers, and asked forgiveness. As they held each other, she confessed that in her experience those words of apology had not been used before, and she now knew that any of their future problems could be worked out. She felt secure because she knew they both could say, 'I'm sorry'; 'I forgive'"⁴ (p. 36).

Sometimes the person hardest to forgive is yourself. To date, there have been no scientific studies that address the consequences of not forgiving yourself, but church leaders have commented extensively on that topic. Elder Boyd K. Packer² said of forgiving yourself: "Often the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive yourself. Discouragement is part of that test. Do not give up. That brilliant morning [of forgiveness] will come" (p.20). On another occasion, Elder Packer³ said, "Forgiveness is powerful spiritual medicine. To extend forgiveness, that soothing balm, to those who have offended you is to heal. And, more difficult yet, when the need is there, forgive yourself!" (p. 18).

It is helpful to remember that if the Lord is willing to forgive us (which he expresses throughout scriptures), why should we not forgive ourselves? Why should we keep tormenting ourselves for past mistakes if we have done all we can to rectify those mistakes? While this is easier said than done, the realization that we aren't forgiving ourselves, but that we need to, is often the first step to forgiveness.

Of course, there are many different levels of wrongs committed against us. Some wrongdoings require greater effort to forgive than others. Considering minor transgressions, Elder Boyd K. Packer³ said, "Too often the things we carry are petty, even stupid. If you are still upset after all these years because Aunt Clara didn't come to your wedding reception, why don't you grow up and forget it?" (p. 18). How often we let small things grow into enormous burdens to carry on our backs, and yet how easy it is to let some of these go.

Forgiveness brings great peace of mind. As President Hinckley¹ has said, "If there be any who nurture in their hearts the poisonous brew of enmity toward another, I plead with you to ask the Lord for strength to forgive. This expression of desire will be of the very substance of your repentance. It may not be easy, and it may not come quickly. But if you will seek it with sincerity and cultivate it, it will come. . . . There will come into your heart a peace otherwise unattainable" (p. 5).

References

1. Hinckley, G. B. (1991, June). Of you it is required to forgive. Ensign, 2.
2. Packer, B. K., (1995, November). The brilliant morning of forgiveness. Ensign, 18.
3. Packer, B. K., (1987, November). Balm of Gilead. Ensign, 16.
4. Pinnock, H. W. (1981, September). Making a marriage work. Ensign, 36.
5. Smith, J. F. (1976). Teachings of the prophet Joseph Smith. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.