Coping with Grief in Perinatal Loss

Pregnancy is a time of great excitement and change. There is so much to look forward to when anticipating a new life. For this reason, the loss of a pregnancy is often heartbreaking, especially for the infant’s parents. In this article, we hope to provide important information to help you understand perinatal loss, as well as helpful sources to lead you towards healing during this most difficult time.

What is Perinatal Loss?

Perinatal loss is the death of an infant during pregnancy or soon thereafter. There are several different kinds of perinatal loss, including miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death.²

Miscarriage is also called spontaneous abortion. It is defined as the body’s natural termination of pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation, although the majority of miscarriages occur within the first 13 weeks. Miscarriage is the most common form of perinatal loss, with approximately 12 – 31% of all pregnancies resulting in spontaneous fetal death.¹⁵ However, this number could be as high as 50%, considering that many miscarriages happen before the woman even realizes that she is pregnant.¹⁶ Chances of miscarriage go down drastically after the first trimester is completed.

Most miscarriages happen because the pregnancy does not progress normally. Miscarriages can occur for a variety of reasons. Most commonly they are caused by fetal chromosomal abnormalities. Chromosomal abnormalities account for about 70% of first trimester miscarriages, and 20% of second trimester miscarriages.⁹ Other causes of miscarriage include:

· Problems with the egg or sperm

· Ectopic pregnancies (when a fetus implants itself anywhere outside the uterus)

· Trauma

· Exposure to toxins, including drugs, alcohol, and radiation

· Toxoplasmosis (parasites from unwashed produce or from exposure to cat or rabbit feces)

· Immune system problems

· Rh disease (blood incompatibility with mother)

· Progesterone deficiency

· Uterine malformations

· Gamete failure

A stillbirth is a fetal death that occurs after 20 weeks gestation. They are less common than miscarriages (about 1 in 200 pregnancies) and the cause is not always known. Common problems leading to stillbirth include placental abruption (the placenta detaches from the uterus before delivery) and bacterial infections.⁹

Neonatal death occurs when an infant dies within 28 days following a live birth. This can be due to a variety of medical complications.

The Pain of Perinatal Loss

It is natural to feel bombarded by mixed emotions when you receive the news that your infant has not survived. Below we’ve listed some common reactions to perinatal loss in hopes that you will identify with some of them and take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. However, please understand that there is no right or wrong way to feel. There are no “shoulds.”

You may experience feelings of extreme sadness and loss. No matter how far along you are in your pregnancy, the loss is still a tragedy. You may be devastated that this new life you’ve created is over scarcely before it has begun. It may seem as though you have been cheated of a future you looked forward to.

You may feel as though your body has betrayed you. You may believe that something must be wrong with you, that you are broken, or that you have failed in some way. You may feel disconnected from your body.¹⁸ Perhaps you feel empty and numb, or like this whole situation is nothing but a horrible nightmare that will go away. You may feel isolated and alone.

You might be struggling to find meaning in your loss. It can seem as though God has abandoned you, or that you must not be meant to be a parent.

Maybe part of you feels relieved that the baby was not born unhealthy, or maybe you feel like this must have happened for a reason.

All of these emotions are yours to freely experience. Do not judge yourself harshly for having them. This is your time to come to grips with the unexpected. The pain isn’t going to go away immediately. The memory of this experience will linger, but try to have courage and faith that over time heartache associated with it will lessen somewhat.

Taking Time to Grieve

Bereavement is a “normal, healthy, dynamic, universal, and individual response to loss”.³ At this stage of your life, it is important that you allow yourself to mourn. Take as much time as you need. Let it happen in your own way and on your own timeline.¹⁸

One of the most helpful things you can have at this time is a strong network of support. While you are mourning, having a lot of people around may sound like the last thing you want to deal with. But if you can, try to reach out to friends and family. Talk to them. Tell them stories of your pregnancy and/or delivery; repeat them as often as you like. While you may not always feel like doing so, outwardly expressing your feelings to others is a helpful and often necessary way to navigate through your emotions. Allow yourself to seek refuge in others. Do not be afraid to ask others for help if you need it.¹⁴

Please keep in mind that others may not understand the magnitude of this loss. They may not realize that the death of a baby in utero can be just as significant to you as the loss of any loved one, and that the pain can be just as intense. Because of this disconnect it is not uncommon to feel socially isolated when neonatal death occurs. When you feel comfortable, consider explaining the significance of the loss to those around you. Even the most well-intentioned people may need your help to fully understand what you are going through. Communicating with them can help them sympathize and become better able to support you in the way that you need to be supported.

Strengthening Your Relationship with Your Partner

In hard times like these it can be difficult to cope alone. You may find that the experience brings you closer to your spouse or partner. You may also find that the pain drives each of you to seek alone time, and that you feel yourselves growing distant and apart. In times of grief the nature of this relationship can either add comfort or stress, so it’s important to be aware of it.

One challenge of perinatal loss is the realization that you and your partner are grieving in different ways.⁸ For example, the mother may find that the father reacts to the loss by stifling his emotions and encouraging the mother to do the same. He may feel that he needs to protect her by encouraging her not to cry. The mother may interpret this as apathy or lack of feeling, when in fact the opposite is true.¹⁰ Do not let this difference in mourning styles discourage you from attempting to communicate with one another. Remember, your partner is hurting, too. Take turns talking to each other about how you are feeling. Support each other.

Mourning Siblings

Children respond to death differently at different ages. Younger children especially may not fully comprehend what death means. They may continue to ask about the baby and inquire as to when he or she is arriving. Older siblings may have a better grasp of the situation. They may feel lonely or neglected with so much attention being directed away from them. Some may even feel guilty or somehow responsible for the loss (Callister, 2006). It is important to sit down with siblings of all ages and explain the loss as simply and clearly as possible. Assure them that this was a natural event that was out of anyone’s control. Try to show an outpouring of love towards them and remind them of your unconditional devotion.

The Importance of Rituals

Birth, marriage, and other cultural rites of passage are important life transitions. Death is no exception. Experts agree that active participation in the grieving process is the best way to cope with the loss of a loved one.¹² Rituals are effective tools you can use to make meaning of your loss. There are many different kinds of rituals. You can explore and create your own rituals in order to help you cope with the situation and memorialize your baby. Here are some suggestions for you to consider.

1. Many hospitals provide memory boxes for parents to take with them following a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. These boxes are a nice way of keeping precious reminders of your baby, including photographs, ultrasound prints, locks of hair, baby clothing, toys, or other tokens that remind you of your baby. Ask your doctor if these are available at your hospital. Memory boxes can also be purchased or homemade.

2. If your baby is stillborn or dies neonatally, you may want to consider having a funeral for him or her. Do you want a casket? Do you prefer cremation? These are important things to consider as soon as you feel you are ready. Do not be afraid to ask your health care provider about all your options. They will answer your questions and help guide you through these decisions.¹¹

3. Do you want to name your baby? Some couples find that this helps with the bereavement process; others do not. Many Jewish families take comfort in selecting a name for the infant prior to burial, thus allowing him or her to be included in the family records.² Often this choice has to do with how far along the pregnancy was before perinatal death occurred. The decision is yours – do not feel pressured either way.

4. Different cultures have varying customs surrounding death. It is important to take these into account, especially when grieving with a partner whose culture may differ from yours. For example, in Muslim traditions, the body of a deceased infant must be bathed, wrapped, and buried within 24 hours.² Native American customs emphasize a connection with nature and discourage the use of recording devices in the funeral services.¹³ If applicable, talk to your medical provider about your options for arranging these rituals.

5. If you are religious or spiritual, you may find that seeking comfort from with a higher power is helpful in the bereavement process.⁵ Whether you believe in a deity or not, you can still ponder your place in the universe and seek to find the meaning behind this loss. Many grieving parents and loved ones find comfort through prayer, mediation, or other forms of communion.

6. Religious rites and practices can also be considered. For example, some parents, when learning that their newborn will not survive, choose to have their infant baptized right away. You may desire to invite a religious leader to offer words and/or a blessing to you, the baby, your partner, and/or any other loved ones. Wakes or vigils are another good option.

7. If it is late enough in the pregnancy that it is a possibility, know that you have a right to hold, see, and touch your infant if you wish to.¹¹ Feel free to take the time to get to know your baby. Memorize their features. Commit them to your memory. Photographs taken at this time may also become invaluable to you.

8. If you have already collected baby items, do not feel obligated to remove or store them right away. Do whatever feels right. Keep them there for as long as you like. You may find that doing little repeated actions, like wearing memento jewelry or folding the baby’s clothing, can be helpful and cleansing.

9. Explore different traditions that you may want to incorporate into your family life. Many people find comfort in designating certain days as special or sacred. Communicate with your loved ones about how you want to celebrate pregnancy milestones, holidays, or other events.

10. Many professionals encourage the keeping of a journal. It can often be very cathartic to write down your thoughts, feelings, and memories. You can even create a free blog to catalog your thoughts. Most blog hosting sites even allow you to post photos, videos, music players, and other media directly into your page. Good blog hosting options to consider include blogger.com, wordpress.com, and tumblr.com. This kind of record may become a priceless treasure to you in the future.

These websites allow you to take control over who reads your blog. You can make it private so that only you have access to it. You can also authorize individual readers, such as friends or family whose email address you have approved to view your blog. Lastly, you can keep your blog open to everyone on the internet. A blog is an excellent way to share your memories with others. Sometimes putting your story out there can yield a surprising outpouring of support, even from strangers. Who knows – the story of your journey might even touch someone else along the way.

Taking Care of Your Body

While you are bereaving, it is important to take care of yourself physically. It may be difficult to think about right now, but good lifestyle choices will help your body to heal, and sometimes the best way to nourish a hurting soul is to take care of the physical needs first. The March of Dimes recommends doing the following:

• Eat healthy food. Eat fruits and vegetables, whole-grain breads and pastas, and low-fat chicken and meats. Stay away from junk food, fast food and too many sweets.

• Do something active every day. Go for a walk. Get outside for a while.

• Try to stick to your regular schedule. Get up and go to bed at your usual times.

• Stay away from alcohol (beer, wine, wine coolers and liquor) and caffeine (in coffee, tea, soda and chocolate). These can make you feel bad and make it hard for you to sleep. Instead, drink water or juice.

• Don't smoke. Smoking is bad for you and your partner. Secondhand smoke (smoke from someone else's cigarettes) is harmful, too.

• Remember that a woman's body needs time to get back to normal after pregnancy. If a woman was far along in her pregnancy, she may have some bleeding, and her breasts may have milk. If these things are happening to you or your partner, talk to your health care provider. Your doctor, a nurse, midwife, nurse practitioner or other trained medical professional can answer your questions about what's happening.¹⁴

Other Sources of Support

There are many websites that offer online communities for those in your same situation. They can offer understanding and empathy and sources of strength.¹⁰ Here are a few for you to try:

http://www.mend.org

http://www.babylosscomfort.com/grief-resources

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pregnancy-loss/PR00098

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Share-Pregnancy-Infant-Loss-Support-Inc/112835372099879

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a15155/miscarriage_stillbirth_infant_loss_support

http://www.babyloss.com

http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz

https://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/

Consider meeting with a grief counselor. These professionals are trained to help guide and support you through this difficult time. You can meet with them individually or in a group. Many religious organizations offer specialized counselors who work within the context of spiritual belief. Check with your local clergy if this type of therapy interests you. They can point you in the right direction if such a thing is offered in your area.

We also invite you to visit another article on our website: Making Meaning of Death. This article offers additional information about making meaning of death, including suggestions on how to support grieving children and adults.

Subsequent Pregnancies

If you have been through perinatal loss before, subsequent pregnancies may be worrisome or stressful. You may experience anxiety or be wary to try again.^7,1 You may feel pessimistic or have doubts that the pregnancy will succeed.⁴ All of these feelings are natural and understandable.

Take comfort; the odds are in your favor. Recent studies show that as high as 85% of women who have experienced perinatal loss go on to have successful pregnancies.^17,16 This means that you have an excellent chance of conceiving again in the future. If you have any questions or concerns about trying for another pregnancy, consult your doctor.

Conclusion – Looking Forward to the Future

Perinatal death is tragic, but there are many ways of coping. There is no one way that is perfect for everyone. Your bereavement process can be as unique as you are. It is up to you to decide when and how best to say goodbye to your baby. No one can tell you how this will happen.

The memory of this experience will likely stay with you forever. We hope that you will be able to find a source of comfort and healing that works best for you, and that someday you will be able to face the future with peace and hope.

References

1. Caelli, K., Downie, J., & Letendre, A. (2002). Parents' experiences of midwife-managed care following the loss of a baby in a previous pregnancy. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 39(2), 127-136.
2. Callister, L. C. (2006). Perinatal loss: A family perspective. Journal of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 20(3), 227-234.
3. Capitulo, K. L. (2005). Evidence for healing interventions with perinatal bereavement. The American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing, 30(6), 389-396.
4. Côté-Arsenault, D. (2006). Watching & worrying: early pregnancy after loss experiences. The American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing, 31(6), 356-363.
5. Cowchock, F. S., Lasker, J. N., Toedter, L. J., Skumanich, S. A., & Koenig, H. G. (2010). Religious beliefs affect grieving after pregnancy loss. Journal of Religion and Health, 49, 485-497.
6. Cramer, D. W., & Wise, L. A. (2002). The epidemiology of recurrent pregnancy loss. Seminars in Reproductive Medicine, 18, 331-339.
7. Gaudet, C. (2010). Pregnancy after perinatal loss: association of grief, anxiety and attachment. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 28(3), 240-251.
8. Gilbert, K. R. (1996). We've had the same loss, why don't we have the same grief? Loss and differential grief in families. Death Studies, 20, 269-283.
9. Gross, D. (2008). Infancy: development from birth to age, Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.
10. Hutti, M. H. (2005). Social and professional support needs of family after perinatal loss. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing, 34(5), 630-638.
11. Kavanaugh, K, & Moro, T. (2006). Supporting parents after stillbirth or newborn death. The American Journal of Nursing, 106(9), 74-79.
12. Kobler, K, & Kavanaugh, K. (2007). Meaningful moments: the use of ritual in perinatal and pediatric death. The American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing, 32(5), 288-295.
13. Lane, J. (2007, May 7). Funeral customs - native american. Retrieved from http://www.funeralwise.com/customs/native_american.
14. March of Dimes Foundation. (2010). Dealing with your grief. Retrieved from http://www.marchofdimes.com/loss_grief.html.
15. Miscarriage. (2007, July). Retrieved from http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html.
16. Petrozza, J.C., & Berin, I. (2011, January 5). Recurrent early pregnancy loss. Retrieved from http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/260495-overview.
17. Simkin, P., Whalley, J., Keppler, A., Durham, J., & Bolding, A. (2010). Common changes and concerns in pregnancy. Chapter 3 in Pregnancy, childbirth and the newborn: The complete guide (pp. 32-61). New York, NY: Meadowbrook Press.
18. Swanson, K. M., Connor, S., Jolley, S. N., Pettinato, M., & Wang, T. (2007). Contexts and evolution of women's responses to miscarriage during the first year of loss. Research in Nursing & Health, 30, 2-16.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it reads, “We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan” (¶ 5). Death is also a part of this plan. In times of perinatal loss it can be difficult to understand why Heavenly Father would let one of His children die before he or she had a chance to live on earth. You can draw comfort by keeping an eternal perspective, by casting your burdens on Him, and by having faith in the power of His Atonement and resurrection.

Death is Not the End – Keeping an Eternal Perspective

While the Lord has not yet revealed all His mysteries concerning the fate of miscarried or stillborn children (see below), we know that the blessings of His Atonement apply to all who have lived on earth. This includes neonatal infants who have died very young.

Before coming to this earth, we all lived together with Heavenly Father. This mortal existence is but a small moment when compared to the expanse of the eternities. Jesus Christ gave His life to grant each of us immortality and the opportunity for eternal life (see Moses 1:39). This means that when we die, we can see Him and our loved ones again.

The Proclamation states, “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally” (¶ 3).

Because of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice, you can see your deceased loved ones again. The holy scriptures testify that this is so.

Mosiah 16:7-8 reads, “And if Christ had not risen from the dead, or have broken the bands of death that the grave should have no victory, and that death should have no sting, there could have been no resurrection.

“But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.”

The prophet Alma also testified of the truthfulness of this principle: “Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

“And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow” (Alma 40:11-12).

Latter-day prophets have also spoken concerning the reality of the resurrection.

President Thomas S. Monson counseled, “To all who have lost loved ones, we would turn Job’s question to an answer: If a man die, he shall live again. We know, for we have the light of revealed truth. ‘I am the resurrection, and the life,’ spoke the Master. ‘He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die’ (John 11:25-26). Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so”.¹¹

Joseph Smith taught, “[Relatives] and friends are only separated from their bodies for a short season: their spirits which existed with God have left the tabernacle of clay only for a little moment, as it were; and they now exist in a place where they converse together the same as we do on the earth.

“…What have we to console us in relation to the dead? We have reason to have the greatest hope and consolation for our dead of any people on the earth; for we have seen them walk worthily in our midst, and seen them sink asleep in the arms of Jesus” (Smith, J., 1844, pg. 302).

Concerning stillbirth specifically, President Joseph F. Smith explained, “There is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us. I cannot help feeling that this will be the case.

“When a couple have a stillborn child, we give them all the comfort we can. We have good reasons to hope. Funeral services may be held for such children, if the parents so desire. Stillborn children should not be reported nor recorded as births and deaths on the records of the Church, but it is suggested that parents record in their own family records a name for each such stillborn child”.¹⁴

Several prominent LDS scholars have discussed the tragedy of perinatal loss, labeling it as a type of “family crucible.” They refer to the Proclamation and offer counsel and advice to those suffering:

“While illness, disability, infertility, and death are temporal occurrences, their influence extends beyond the physical portion of our lives. These experiences have the potential to become catalysts to change how we view ourselves and our relationships with others”.³

“Having faith in God’s ‘divine plan of happiness’ (¶ 3) is the core principle of a gospel-based, family-crucible perspective. Similar to a wide-angle lense on a camera, this perspective expands our frame of reference and helps us to appreciate certain aspects of our experiences with adversity and loss”.³

“Within a gospel-based, crucible perspective, the reality of sore trials is not avoided; rather, afflictions are viewed and experienced in a way that gives purpose to pain and developmental guidance to change”.³

“Come Unto Me”

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are intimately aware of your heartache. This is a painful and difficult time, but the Savior is the Master Healer. He suffered in the Garden for both your sins and your pains. The prophet Isaiah taught, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4). Because of this great sacrifice, Christ knows exactly what you are going through. He can empathize in a way that no one else can. You can turn your grieving heart over to Him, and He will comfort you.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma gave his witness: “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11-12).

In Matthew 11:28-30, Christ says, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

The death of a child can leave you feeling labored and lonely. Sometimes, when trials like these leave you struggling with your faith, it can be tempting to internalize your pain and turn your back on the Lord. You don’t have to do it alone. Cast your burdens on Him. God will never leave you alone if you have faith in Him. He will come to you in your hour of need.

In a talk entitled “May We So Live”, President Monson discusses the pain of death specifically: “Frequently death comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life’s feast, putting out its lights and gaiety. Death lays its heavy hand upon those dear to us and at times leaves us baffled and wondering. …The darkness of death can ever be dispelled by the light of revealed truth. … This reassurance—yes, even holy confirmation—of life beyond the grave could well provide the peace promised by the Savior when He assured His disciples: ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid’”.⁹

Elder Merrill J. Bateman taught, “Just as the lame man at the pool of Bethesda needed someone stronger than himself to be healed (see John 5:1–9), so we are dependent on the miracles of Christ’s atonement if our souls are to be made whole from grief, sorrow, and sin. If grieving parents and loved ones have faith in the Savior and his plan, death’s sting is softened as Jesus bears the believers’ grief and comforts them through the Holy Spirit. Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow.”

Elder Bateman continues, saying, “In the garden and on the cross, Jesus saw each of us and not only bore our sins, but also experienced our deepest feelings so that he would know how to comfort and strengthen us. As part of his redeeming power, Jesus can remove the sting of death or restore the spiritual health of a struggling soul”.²

President Henry B. Eyring counsels, “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. The Book of Mormon gives us the certain assurance of His power to comfort. And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience. …The Lord always suits the relief to the person in need to best strengthen and purify him or her”.⁴

Another Chance to Be a Parent

Through the doctrine of the resurrection, we learn that even deceased neonates (children who have died within the first month of life) will rise again. Doctrine & Covenants 137:10 reads, “And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven.”

Bruce R. McConkie taught, “Among all the glorious gospel verities given of God to his people there is scarcely a doctrine so sweet, so soul-satisfying, and so soul sanctifying, as the one which proclaims—Little children shall be saved. They are alive in Christ and shall have eternal life. For them, the family unit will continue, and the fulness of exaltation is theirs. No blessing shall be withheld. They shall rise in immortal glory, grow to full maturity, and live forever in the highest heaven of the celestial kingdom—all through the merits and mercy and grace of the Holy Messiah, all because of the atoning sacrifice of Him who died that we might live”.⁸

Latter-day prophets have spoken concerning the opportunity for parents to raise their children in the next life. Joseph Smith taught, “A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid” (Smith, J., 1844, pg. 316).

President Joseph F. Smith reported, “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit’”.¹⁴

As a reminder, we currently do not know whether this promise applies to infants lost during miscarriage or stillbirth. Such information may never be revealed in this life.

As Carroll et al. explains, “Church doctrine is not explicit on the status of children who have been lost through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, abortion, or stillbirth, but emphasizes that faith in the Lord’s love for all His children and urges support for all who suffer this experience”.³

We may not have all the answers yet, but you can still find profound hope and peace through the Savior and His Atonement. This principle is taught in Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Additional Resources

An important part of spiritual healing happens when you reach out to others as well as the Lord. You may find that hearing the perinatal loss experiences of other Latter-day Saints brings comfort. If you are interested, we invite you to read the following articles from the Ensign:

“Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage” – Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard

“Easing the Pain of Miscarriage” – Summer Thorpe

“Our Stillborn Baby” – Melinda E. Jennings

The September 1987 Ensign published a piece on miscarried and stillborn children as part of its “I Have a Question” feature.⁵ Val D. Greenwood of the Temple Department offered his thoughts on the matter. You can read them here.

A quick internet search can also yield a list of LDS-specific blogs, posts, and forums on the topic. Here are a few to get you started:

http://www.circleofmoms.com/lds-moms/miscarriage-support-136107

http://segullah.org/daily-special/miscarriage-and-miracle/

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/705322466/After-miscarriage-grateful-for-support.html

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a26120065/just_need_some_lds_support_for_miscarriage

Have Hope in All Things

Jesus Christ has opened the way for hope to pour into your life. Believe in His glorious Atonement and He can heal your heart.

Moroni 7:40-42 reads, “And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

“And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.”

“Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.”

When Joseph Smith was suffering in Liberty Jail, the Lord gave him words of comfort. These same words may apply to your circumstances as well. Said He, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

“Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

“Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job” (D&C 121:7-10).

The Lord goes on to say, “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:7).

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf teaches, “Hope is a gift of the Spirit. … Hope in our Heavenly Father’s merciful plan of happiness leads to peace, mercy, rejoicing, and gladness. The hope of salvation is like a protective helmet; it is the foundation of our faith and an anchor to our soul”.¹⁶

President Thomas S. Monson taught, “Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us. My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”¹⁰

Hope and faith in the Lord can bring profound peace. We pray that He will support and guide you on your journey towards healing.

References

1. Baadsgaard, J. W. (1989, July). Coping with the heartache of miscarriage. Ensign, 57-58.
2. Bateman, M. J. (2003, April). Power to heal. New Era, 42.
3. Carroll, J. S., Robinson, W. D., Marshall, E. S., Callister, L. C., & Olsen, S. F. (2000). The family crucibles of illness, disability, death, and other losses. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: an in-depth look at the proclamation on the family (pg. 278-292). Salt Lake City, Utah: Bookcraft.
4. Eyring, H. B. (2009, May). Adversity. Ensign, 23-27.
5. Greenwood, V. D. (1987, September). I have a question. Ensign, 27-29.
6. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1995, September 23). The family: a proclamation to the world. Author.
7. Jennings, M. E. (2006, February). Our stillborn baby. Ensign, 8-10.
8. McConkie, B. R. (1977, April). The salvation of little children. Ensign, 3.
9. Monson, T. S. (2008, August). May we so live. Ensign, 4-9.
10. Monson, T. S. (2009, May). Be of good cheer. Ensign, 89-92.
11. Monson, T. S. (2007, May). I know that my redeemer lives!. Ensign, 22-25.
12. Smith, J. (1944). The history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Vol. 6). SaltLake City, UT: Deseret Book.
13. Smith, J. F. (1955). Doctrines of salvation (Vol. 2). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
14. Smith, J. F. (1918, May). Status of children in the resurrection. Improvement Era, 571.
15. Thorp, S. (2007, January). Easing the pain of miscarriage. Ensign, 54-57.
16. Uchtdorf, D. F. (2008, November). The infinite power of hope. Ensign, 21-24.
17. History of the Church, 6:316; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff, Willard Richards, Thomas Bullock, and William Clayton; see also appendix, page 562, item 3.