Skip to main content
Forever Families

Constructive Anger in Marriage Relationships

Main
Extended
Latter-day Saints Perspective

Marriage can make life so much sweeter, especially when spouses have someone they can rely on and trust. However, when a spouse betrays that trust, a happy marriage can quickly turn bitter. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that “repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, [and] compassion” build and sustain marriages. However, couples in situations of a betrayal of trust might not feel that they can or even want to repent and forgive in these situations. They may feel so hurt that they fail to treat each other with respect, love, and compassion. Even so, these couples can take steps to heal their hearts and their marriages.

This article, although not a replacement for marital therapy when needed, explains a few of the ideas that some therapists use to strengthen struggling marriages. Marital betrayals to which these principles may apply include substance use or abuse, pornography use, lies about finances, sexual and/or emotional infidelity, or any action by either spouse that has a somewhat traumatic effect on the other spouse and the relationship itself. They could also apply to less traumatic, but still hurtful and anger-inducing situations that may arise in various types of close relationships.

Anger Can Be Healthy

There are two main ways that people usually experience anger in marriage. One is directed at their partner, which is more common and easily recognized. The other is when one feels angry at themselves instead, which includes self-blame and is less obviously seen from the outside. When individuals are angry at their spouse, they are more likely to want to fight with them, while when they are angry at themselves, they may want to avoid their spouse.1 These two responses are often known as “fight or flight” responses.

Neither of these two kinds of hostile anger helps heal the relationship.2 In fact, both are damaging. However, non-hostile, constructive anger can actually facilitate personal and relationship healing if certain conditions are met.

One key condition is considering how each spouse sees his or herself in relation to the other. In every relationship, we can see ourselves as either above, below, or equal to the other person.3 A good way to describe this view is like a see-saw: Are you looking up at, down on, or squarely at the other person?

When partners feel they are above the other, they are “inflated” and tend to dominate the other. If they feel they are below the other, they are “collapsed” and tend to submit to the other. If they feel they are equal, they are balanced. In marriage, each partner’s view affects how he or she and expresses his or her anger. In order for it to be considered healthy, anger must come from a balanced viewpoint.3

What Balance Looks Like 

The main question that helps determine a balanced viewpoint is: “Whose feelings and experiences do I value?” The natural, almost subconscious response that leads to an imbalance is to automatically devalue either the other person or ourselves. Once that happens, then blame and hostile anger slides down the “see-saw” and falls on that person (either oneself or the other spouse). In contrast, those working to achieve a balanced viewpoint consciously ponder the “Who do I value?” question and decide to answer it: “Both of us equally.” Then the focus shifts to the problem itself. Doing this is not easy, but it is possible.

In order to express healthy anger, the betrayed spouse may want to follow these steps: 1,2

  • First, affirm his or her own worth.
  • Second, honestly and openly communicate what the other spouse did and how he or she (the betrayed spouse) feels as a result.
  • Third, firmly invite the other spouse to change and correct certain behaviors.
  • Fourth, affirm the worth of the other spouse and of the relationship itself. 

Let’s look at an example of what this might sound like. The betrayed spouse says: “I have been a good husband/wife and did not deserve what you did to me. What you did really makes me angry and hurts me in these ways_____. I am feeling_____. To feel loved and secure again in this relationship, I need you to change_____. I feel that what you did was below you. I still believe that you are the great person that I married, and I also believe that you can make these changes so that our relationship can be strong again.”

Importantly, when betrayed spouses express healthy anger, they do not shy away from the fact that an injustice has been committed and that they are hurting as a result; instead, they choose to let go of trying to retaliate against their spouse or trying to avoid them.2

Choosing Honesty Over Hostility 

Some may argue that their “raw” anger must be vented in order for it to go away. While anger caused by betrayal doesn’t usually disappear without being expressed,3 it must be expressed without hostility, or it will not have the desired healing effect. When hostile anger is shared by one spouse, the other may seek to retaliate or deflect it, which can lead to more hurtful words spoken4 and/or less responsibility assumed for the betrayal. 3

When the spouse expressing anger feels hostility arise inside themselves, they can remember to replace hostility with honesty. Revealing honest thoughts and feelings to the betraying spouse can be hard because it involves diving deeper into the hurt. In fact, it is common to either attack and retaliate (“fight”) or distance oneself (“flight”) precisely to protect these inner feelings.5 However, expressing emotions such as shame, loneliness, sadness, and unworthiness helps the conversation focus on healing and correction instead of blame.6 

Both spouses need to know how the other is really feeling, deep down, which means that the betrayer must also put his or her guard down and say how he or she is feeling. When both spouses are vulnerable, they expose their inner experience by removing the hard armor of fear and pride. In other words, they expose the wound so it can be healed. When each spouse is vulnerable with the another (betrayed spouse first, then the betraying spouse), the interaction invites empathy, which in turn leads to healing.6

Conclusion 

The betrayed spouse can be a catalyst for healing when he or she affirms the worth of both spouses, expresses vulnerable emotions, and calls for correction. If the betraying spouse is also vulnerable, both spouses will likely feel empathy for each other.5 This can lead to forgiveness and often, a strengthened marriage. However, if the betraying spouse does not change their behavior, serious consequences may result. Even if the relationship does end due a serious issue, the betrayed spouse can choose to be honest about the difficulty and decide to work to heal the hurt he/she feels by not reverting to hostile anger.1 In whatever type of marital betrayal a couple may experience, applying the principles of the Proclamation to forgive, repent, and treat each other with respect, love and compassion, offers the best hope of a positive outcome.

Written by Katrina Hill, edited by professors Julie H. Haupt and Stephen F. Duncan, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. October 23, 2020.

References 

  1. Butler, M. H., Meloy-Miller, K. C., Seedall, R. B., & Dicus, J. L. (2017). Anger can help: A transactional model and three pathways of the experience and expression of anger. Family Process, 57(3), 817–835.  https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12311
  2. Meloy-Miller, K. C., Butler, M. H., Seedall, R. B., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). Anger can help: Clinical representation of three pathways of anger. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1428130
  3. Butler, M. H., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). A circumplex model of couple configurations in relational trauma context: An example of practice‐based model development. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 494–507. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12346
  4. Hee, C. W. H., Sandberg, J. G., Yorgason, J. B., & Miller, R. B. (2019). Can attachment behaviors moderate the influence of conflict styles on relationship quality? Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 18(4), 281–302. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2019.1590273
  5. Mckinnon, J. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (2017). Vulnerable emotional expression in emotion focused couples’ therapy: Relating interactional processes to outcome. Journal of  Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 198–212. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12229
  6. Meneses, C. W., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Interpersonal forgiveness in emotion focused couples’ therapy: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(1), 49–67. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00330.x

Marriage can make life so much sweeter, especially when spouses have someone they can rely on and trust. However, when a spouse betrays that trust, a happy marriage can quickly turn bitter. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that “repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, [and] compassion” build and sustain marriages. However, couples in cases of a betrayal of trust might not feel that they can or even want to repent and forgive in these situations. They may feel so hurt that they fail to treat each other with respect, love, or compassion. Even so, these couples can take steps to heal their hearts and their marriages.

Often, when married couples who are dealing with serious betrayal want to help their marriages, they go to therapy. Marriage therapists are trained in research and theory and can therefore see a couple’s situation from a unique perspective. With that perspective, they can walk couples through various processes that help them forgive each other. This article, although not a replacement for therapy when needed, explains a few of the ideas that some therapists use to help struggling marriages. If couples apply these ideas, they may find it easier to heal.

Anger Can Be Healthy

Anger is often one of the most common emotions a spouse may experience when he or she is betrayed. However, feeling and expressing anger can be experienced in many ways. When felt and expressed in a healthy way, anger can help couples deal productively with the aftermath of a betrayal instead of letting the betrayal further divide them.

What exactly does “betrayal” refer to? A betrayal can be any action by either spouse that has an emotionally injuring effect on the other spouse and affects the relationship itself.1 Examples of betrayal include substance use or abuse, pornography use, lies about finances, sexual and/or emotional infidelity, etc. As one can easily imagine, the spouse who has been betrayed will likely feel angry.

There are generally two main ways that the betrayed spouse experiences anger. One way is directed at their partner, which is more common and more easily recognized. Sometimes, however, the betrayed spouse feels angry at themselves instead, which is not as obviously seen from the outside.

Neither of these kinds of anger help heal the relationship, in fact, they are both damaging. Therefore, people often think that they must suppress their anger in order to “eliminate” it, and then they can forgive and heal. Research suggests that this popular belief is not true, and that anger can be healing when expressed properly.2 The key is that only a certain kind of anger is helpful, and it is neither of the instinctive “fight or flight” types of anger just described. For example, if people become angry at their spouse, they are more likely to want to fight with their spouses, while if others are angry at themselves and blame themselves for the betrayal, they may want to avoid their spouses.3

The idea that anger can actually facilitate personal and relationship healing is based on another underlying idea altogether: the view of self in relation to other or “VSIRO”4 for short.  What this means is that in every relationship, we see ourselves as either above, below, or equal to the other person in that relationship. A good way to describe this view is like a seesaw: Are you looking up at, down on, or squarely at the other person?

If someone feels they are above the other, they are “inflated” and tend to dominate the other person. If they feel they are below the other, they are “collapsed” and tend to submit to the other person. If both feel they are equal, they are balanced.

In a marriage, each partner’s VSIRO affects how they feel and express their anger. There are four unbalanced categories that couples fall into, and they can fluctuate between them.4

  1. Double-Inflated. If both spouses are inflated, they will both direct their anger at the other and attack each other. This results in intense conflict. 
  2. Double-Collapsed. If both spouses are collapsed, they will direct their anger at themselves and withdraw. This results in emotional distancing and isolation. 
  3. “Taker-Enabler.” If the spouse who did the betraying is inflated, and the other is collapsed, the betrayer will blame the other for their betrayal and bully them. The spouse who was betrayed will internalize the blame and feel they are at fault. 
  4. “Debtor-Collector.” If the spouse who did the betraying is collapsed and the other is inflated, the betrayer will feel terrible for what they did, and the other spouse will come after them mercilessly.

What Balance Looks Like 

So, what about balanced views? The main (albeit subconscious) question that helps determine our role in unhealthy patterns is “Whose feelings and experiences do I value?” The natural response when we are hurt is to automatically devalue either the other person or ourselves and direct our anger there. Those working to achieve balanced views consciously ponder the question “Who do I value?” and decide to answer, “Both of us.” Then the anger is not directed either spouse but at the problem itself. Again, this is not the natural response, but it is possible.

When the betrayed spouse expresses healthy anger, they do not shy away from the fact that an injustice has been committed and that they are hurting as a result, but they choose to let go of trying to retaliate against their spouse (“fight” response) or trying to avoid them (“flight” response).5 They find the middle ground and face the problem head on.

How does one put these ideas into practice? The following steps can help betrayed the spouse express healthy anger:

  • First, affirm their own worth.
  • Second, honestly and openly say what their spouse did to them and how they feel as a result.
  • Third, firmly invite that their spouse change and correct certain behaviors.
  • Fourth, affirm the worth of their spouse and of the relationship itself.5

Let’s look at an example of what this might sound like. The betrayed spouse says: “I have been a good husband/wife and did not deserve what you did to me. What you did really makes me angry and hurts me in these ways… I am feeling ______ … I need you to change _______ so that I can feel loved and secure again in this relationship. I feel that what you did was below you. I still believe that you are the great person that I married, and I also believe that you can make these changes so that our relationship can be strong again.”5

Some may argue that this kind of benevolent anger is not “real” anger, and in some ways they may be right. Biological anger naturally includes hostility, which is absent in benevolent anger.2 However, benevolent anger still serves two key biological purposes. It helps make the person feeling angry aware of the emotionally harmful situation they are in. It also motivates them to protect themselves from more harm. In addition to these, expressing benevolent anger is mentally and emotionally freeing, whether or not the marriage continues.2

Choosing Honesty Over Hostility 

Some may still say that their “raw” anger must be vented in order for it to go away. While anger caused by betrayal doesn’t usually disappear without being expressed,2 it must be expressed without hostility, or it will not have the desired healing effect. There are two reasons for this. First, the spouse who receives the hostile anger will be likely to be mean back, which causes more hurt feelings all around and damages the relationship further.6 Secondly, attacking the other spouse’s character is more likely to cause the them to get defensive instead of changing their behavior.2 Remembering this last point is especially important, since the betraying spouse’s change(s) in behavior may be crucial in order to rebuild trust and reestablish security in the relationship.

When the spouse expressing anger feels hostility arise, they can remember to replace hostility with honesty. Revealing honest and vulnerable thoughts and feelings to the betraying spouse can be hard, because it involves diving deeper into the hurt. In fact, it is common to either attack and retaliate (“fight”) or distance oneself (“flight”) precisely to protect these inner feelings.7 However, expressing emotions such as shame, loneliness, sadness, and unworthiness helps the conversation focus on healing and correction instead of blaming.1 Then, because they don’t feel blamed or attacked, the spouse who betrayed is more likely to accept responsibility for their actions.1

Both spouses need to know how the other is really feeling, deep down, which means that the betrayer must also put his or her guard down and say how they are feeling. When both spouses are vulnerable, they expose their inner experience by removing the hard armor of fear and pride. In other words, they expose the wound so it can be healed. When each spouse is vulnerable with one another (betrayed spouse first, then the betraying spouse), the interaction invites empathy, which in turn leads to healing.1

Conclusion 

Anger itself is not bad, only the raw, spiteful anger we have often known. This kind of anger in marriage often involves putting one of the spouses down, but benevolent anger does not. Recognizing both spouses’ worth and value allows them to have a balanced view of the self in relation to the other (VSIRO).

The betrayed spouse can be a catalyst for healing when he or she affirms the worth of both spouses, expresses vulnerable emotions, and calls for correction. If the betraying spouse is also vulnerable, both spouses will likely feel empathy for each other and want to help each other alleviate their emotional suffering by extending compassion to each other.1 This can lead to forgiveness and often, a strengthened marriage. However, if the betraying spouse does not change their behavior, the betrayed spouse may decide to take some time away from or even end the relationship. Even if the relationship does not continue as before, the betrayed spouse will likely still be able to forgive their spouse and thus alleviate the stress and hurt he or she (the betrayed spouse) was previously feeling.2

Written by Katrina Hill, edited by professors Julie H. Haupt and Stephen F. Duncan, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. October 23, 2020.

    References

    1. Meneses, C. W., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Interpersonal forgiveness in emotion focused couples’ therapy: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(1), 49–67. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00330.x
    2. Butler, M. H., Meloy-Miller, K. C., Seedall, R. B., & Dicus, J. L. (2017). Anger can help: A transactional model and three pathways of the experience and expression of anger. Family Process, 57(3), 817–835.  https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12311
    3. Mcnulty, J. K., & Russell, V. M. (2016). Forgive and forget, or forgive and regret? Whether forgiveness leads to less or more offending depends on offender       agreeableness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(5), 616–631. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167216637841
    4. Butler, M. H., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). A circumplex model of couple configurations in relational trauma context: An example of practice‐based model development. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 494–507. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12346
    5. Meloy-Miller, K. C., Butler, M. H., Seedall, R. B., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). Anger can help: clinical representation of three pathways of anger. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1428130
    6. Hee, C. W. H., Sandberg, J. G., Yorgason, J. B., & Miller, R. B. (2019). Can attachment behaviors moderate the influence of conflict styles on relationship quality? Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 18(4), 281–302. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2019.1590273
    7. Mckinnon, J. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (2017). Vulnerable emotional expression in emotion  focused couples’ therapy: Relating interactional processes to outcome. Journal of  Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 198–212. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12229

    When The Family: A Proclamation to the World lists “work” as a principle upon which successful marriages are built,1 perhaps this refers to the daily work required to build a happy relationship. As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught, “creating a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship…takes time, patience, and above all, the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”2 These efforts culminate in slowly replacing pride with charity.2 One of the characteristics of charity is that it is “not easily provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

    Prophets and apostles across the ages, as well as the Savior himself, have echoed this admonition to have charity and therefore be “slow to anger” (Proverbs 16:32). For example, President David O. McKay taught that self-control helps a marriage be a happy one. He wrote: “Little things happen that annoy you, and you speak quickly sharply, loudly, and wound the other’s heart… Refrain from saying the sharp thing that comes to your mind.”3

    This principle of charity applies especially to the daily ins and outs of marriage. Couples can look for the good and not the bad in each other. They can forebear in frequently pointing out flaws. They can forgive when their toes get stepped on. At times, however, serious difficulties may arise that cannot be looked past. President Russell M. Nelson stated to the sisters of the church: “It grieves me to think that any of you… have been…betrayed by a husband…Such offenses have no place in the kingdom of God.”4

    According to ancient and modern scripture, neither anger nor betrayals of trust are part of the Lord’s way. What if we have been betrayed in some way and feel disappointed and angry? President Thomas S. Monson counseled that spouses should not leave such issues unresolved, but “solve them—lay them to rest and not leave them to canker, fester, and ultimately destroy.”5

    Sometimes those who are betrayed beat themselves up about the situation, internalizing self-blame or the blame their spouse dishes out to them. The “antidote” President Uchtdorf offers is as follows: “Remember who you are…You are in His hands... And nothing anyone ever says about you can change that. Their words are meaningless compared to what God has said about you. You are His precious child. He loves you.”6

    When anger is unresolved in a marital betrayal, feelings of anger may tempt a partner to degrade and demonize the betraying spouse. President Uchtdorf cautions, “We must always stand for what is right, and there are times when we must raise our voices for that cause. However, when we do so with anger or hate in our hearts—when we lash out at others to hurt, shame, or silence them—chances are we are not doing so in righteousness.”6 In this statement,6 President Uchtdorf provides a framework for how to express constructive anger in marital difficulties.

    The Savior taught us to act under the influence of the Spirit to “reprove betimes with sharpness” while still showing “increase of love toward [them] who thou hast reproved, lest [they] esteem thee to be [their] enemy” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:43). When one has a solid sense of one’s own worth and the worth of their spouse, a betrayed spouse may be able to help address and resolve issues driving them apart using this gospel pattern.

    In difficult circumstances and when the spirit of anger rises, we have been asked to not let it rule. The Savior taught his disciples, “If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:3); He also taught us to “love one another” (John 13:34). Maybe what He would like us to learn is that sometimes we must correct those loved ones who have hurt us but do so with love and with a readiness to forgive.

    Correction and invitations to repent are of God, as are forgiveness, love, and mercy, but an unbridled tongue, grudges, and contention are not. Marriage is one of the best training grounds for becoming like Jesus Christ and perhaps learning to express anger in the Lord’s way is part of that crucial process.

    Written by Katrina Hill, edited by professors Julie H. Haupt and Stephen F. Duncan, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. November 20, 2020.

    References

    1. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The Family: A Proclamation to the World, paragraph 7.
    2. Uchtdorf, D. F. (2016, May). In Praise of Those Who Save. Ensign.
    3. McKay, D. O. (2003). Experiencing Happiness in Marriage. Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, p. 149.  
    4. Nelson, R. M. (2019). Spiritual Treasures. Ensign.
    5. Monson, T. S. (2002). Hidden Wedges. Ensign. 
    6. Uchtdorf, D. F. (2017). Three Sisters. Ensign.