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Forever Families

Blessings of Family Work

Main
Extended
Latter-Day Saints Perspective

For many of us, family work is like taking castor oil -- something we do as quickly as possible so we can get it over with and experience the least amount of pain. We want to get on with the other things we'd rather be doing. The old Erma Bombeck adage sums up these feelings nicely: Housework, if done properly, can kill you.

If your family's perspective on family work is this negative, you may be missing out on some important benefits. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that successful marriages and families are established and maintained on the principle of work (¶ 7).

What Is Family Work?

Family work is the everyday, ordinary labor required to build and sustain family life from one day to the next. It includes feeding and clothing our families, sheltering them from the literal and figurative storms of life, nurturing them when they are sick, and cleaning and enhancing their surroundings to preserve their health and give them beauty to enjoy. These daily tasks often are seen as unimportant and menial while, in fact, they bond us together. They are a gift from God -- an invitation to love and serve one another.

Value and Blessings of Family Work

Family work is essential for our growth and enriches our lives. It develops character, helps us become more self-reliant, teaches honesty, and makes us more aware of what others do for us, fostering humility and gratitude. When family members work together they learn how to serve each other and sacrifice for the other.

Unfortunately, because housework is generally seen as tedious and even demeaning, many people do everything they can to avoid it. They buy the latest time-saving household appliances, purchase many meals ready-made instead of preparing them, and hire help for cleaning. Although there's nothing wrong with getting help for housework, avoiding all or most of it deprives families of the opportunity to work and grow together.

According to family scholar Kathleen Slaugh Bahr of Brigham Young University, the real power of family work lies in "its potential to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities." Bahr argues that if we look beyond the common criticisms of family work - that it is mindless, menial, and demeaning - we can find an unexpected gold mine of opportunity. Some of the things people most commonly dislike about family work, she says, offer us "the greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships and forging family ties."

For example, mindless chores require less concentration, leaving family members able to give their attention to one each other as they work together. As we work, we can sing, dance, talk, or tell stories. Laboring side by side with our children as partners often helps them feel more comfortable talking openly to us.

Because family work is menial, says Bahr, "even the smallest child can make a meaningful contribution." Children can set the table, fold towels, wash windows, and do many other tasks valued in the family. Since these tasks tend to be repetitive, they provide us with a natural setting to make emotional connections with family members again and again.

Finally, family work may be seen as demeaning because, according to Bahr, it often means cleaning up after someone else in a very personal manner. Changing diapers, washing soiled bed sheets, and wiping up vomit can be viewed as demeaning, or it can be viewed as humbling and a valuable service to loved ones. Family work thus can help us "acknowledge our unavoidable interdependence, encouraging (even requiring) us to sacrifice 'self' for the good of the whole."

Family work also teaches us how to be better individuals, better members of the family, and better neighbors. When we learn to work and do service for others early in our lives, we gain valuable skills that will serve us later. We learn a strong work ethic and how to be other-oriented. As we help one another in our work, we learn that the heaviest load becomes lighter when someone shares it.

Changing Your Family's Vision of Family Work

While there is no magic road to revolutionize your family's view of family work, several things can help, according to Bahr and others:

  • As parents, adopt a positive attitude about family work. Children tend to mirror the attitudes their parents have about family work. If you view family work as drudgery, your children likely will as well. Make a conscious decision to see family work as an opportunity to be together and grow as a team.
  • Limit the use of some technology. Some labor-saving devices cut down on the amount of interaction that could take place between family members. For instance, using the food processor to slice veggies may save time, but it may also deprive you of an opportunity to chat with your teen while chopping vegetables together. Before using such convenience tools, ask yourself what you may be giving up in exchange and decide whether or not it's worth it.
  • Insist gently on children's help. Sometimes it's easier for parents to do all the family work themselves than to nag children until they do it. Or we may give children responsibility only for their own things, such as their own rooms or toys. But researchers have found it's wise to give children work opportunities that require them to do something for others. One study compared children who did "self-care" tasks, such as cleaning up their own rooms, with children who did "family-care" tasks, such as setting the table. The researchers found that children involved in family care tasks learned to be more concerned for others while children involved in self-care tasks only did not.
  • Avoid a business mentality at home. Don't treat family members like employees. That means avoiding motivational and supervisory approaches you might use in the workplace. Instead, adopt a mentor role. A mentor is a trusted friend who knows the person being mentored and the task well and helps the mentored be successful.
  • Work side by side with your children. If you simply send your children off to do their chores, you'll miss opportunities for connections as you work side by side. Wash the dishes with them. Paint the garage with them. Almost any task presents parents with the chance to be with their children for an extended period of time while they work toward a common goal.
  • Make housework family work. Let each family member know that a clean house, laundry, and meals are responsibilities to be shared by everyone. Have a family meeting and discuss what each family member can do to help with household chores. Pick a relaxed time for the meeting. When everyone is in a good mood, they will be more receptive to requests for help.

Written by Vjollca K. Martinson, Graduate Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

  1. Bahr, K. S., & Loveless, C. A. (1998). Family work in the 21st century. In M. Proctor & S. Proctor (Eds.), Charting the new millennium (pp. 173-204). Salt Lake City, UT: Aspen Books.
  2. Bahr, K. S.,& Loveless, C. A. (2000, Spring). Family work. Brigham Young Magazine, 54(1), 24-34.
  3. Bahr, K. S., Loveless, C. A., Manwaring, K., Rice, M., & Worthen, V. E. (2000). The meaning and blessings of family work. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the family (pp. 177-189). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
  4. Cherrington, D. J. (1998). Rearing responsible children. Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.
  5. Goodnow, J. J., & Bowes, J. M. (1994). Men, women and household work. Melbourne: Oxford University Press.

Value of Family Work

Society generally determines the worth of work by its exchange value - how much money it will bring in the marketplace. Since work within the home pays nothing, it is often seen as having little value.3 But when we see household chores only in terms of economic value and measurable products, such as washed dishes and swept floors, we miss the true power of family work - its potential to transform lives, develop character, and build strong families and communities.2

When a family works together, work becomes a gift and a blessing. Family work bonds a family together in love, service, and satisfaction. It fosters growth, creates unity, and teaches children how to recognize others' needs, to be charitable, to be honest and dependable, to make moral choices, and to offer help. This daily work of feeding, clothing, cleaning, and sheltering one another has the power to transform us spiritually as we transform others physically.2, 3, 8

Common Misperceptions about Family Work

Because housework is generally seen as tedious and even demeaning, many people do everything they can to avoid it. They buy the latest time-saving household appliances, buy most meals instead of preparing them, and hire help for cleaning. Although there's nothing wrong with getting help for housework, avoiding all or most of it deprives families of the opportunity to work and grow together.

According to family scholar Kathleen Slaugh Bahr of Brigham Young University, the real power of family work lies in "its potential to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities." Bahr argues that if we look closely at common criticisms of family work - that it is mindless, menial, repetitive, and demeaning - we can find an unexpected gold mine of opportunity. Some of the things people most commonly dislike about family work, she says, offer us "the greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships and forging family ties."

For example, mindless chores require less concentration, leaving family members able to give their attention to each other as they work together. As we work, we can sing, dance, talk, or tell stories. When we do chores with our children as partners, they may feel more comfortable talking openly to us.

Because family work is menial, says Bahr, "even the smallest child can make a meaningful contribution." Children can set the table, fold towels, wash windows and do many other tasks valued in the family. Since these tasks have to be done day after day, they provide a natural setting to make emotional connections with family members again and again.

Even the repetitive nature of family work offers valuable lessons. Meals have to be prepared and cleaned up many times each day; children get dirty over and over; floors and carpets get grimy almost as soon as they're cleaned; beds are made and unmade daily. This repetition gives children a chance to learn how to do tasks well. It also teaches them that even the mundane parts of life have value, especially when they enhance another person's life. Each time a task is needed again, a new invitation is extended to serve one another.1

Finally, family work may be seen as demeaning because, according to Bahr, it often means cleaning up after someone else in a very personal manner. Changing diapers, washing soiled bedsheets, and wiping up vomit can be viewed as demeaning, or it can be viewed as humbling and a valuable service to loved ones. This most personal family work can help us "acknowledge our unavoidable interdependence, encouraging (even requiring) us to sacrifice 'self' for the good of the whole."

Benefits of Family Work

Researchers have found that family members who participate in housework benefit in many ways. Family work helps accomplish the following:

  • Draws families closer together. Studies show that when families work together, family members come to love and respect one another more and thus grow closer.3, 4 They also learn more about each other and better understand and appreciate others. When family members work side by side with a positive spirit about what they're doing, they experience joy in their combined labor and build a foundation of caring and commitment that grows out of their shared experience.1, 2, 3
  • Nurtures the parent-child and sibling-to-sibling relationship. Working together as a family helps strengthen the relationship between parents and children and the bond between siblings.1, 9 When we do an everyday task together, intimate conversations are invited that otherwise might not take place.3
  • Heals relationships. Family work provides opportunities to recognize and fill the needs of others. When relationships have been damaged, working together and serving each other can create a precious connection between giver and receiver.2
  • Strengthens character. Family work develops patience and discipline. It teaches family members to be honest as they complete tasks. When children learn to work early in life, they become self-reliant adults with a strong work ethic. They also learn to cooperate and share responsibility. Family work helps every family member become a better individual, a better member of his or her family, and a better neighbor and community member.5
  • Teaches service and sacrifice. Family work teaches us how to sacrifice the individual self for the good of the whole. We learn that the heaviest load becomes lighter when someone shares it. When we work for our family members in the spirit of love, we help provide for their needs, and we are blessed for our unselfish service.2
  • Brings satisfaction and fulfillment. Family work becomes even more enjoyable when the reward is the happiness of others in the family.2, 7 Work gives us a sense of accomplishment. It makes us feel good about ourselves, increasing our self-esteem as we realize that our contribution matters to the family.

Teaching Children to Work

Teaching children to work is one of parents' primary duties. Parents need to help children understand that it's their responsibility to share housework duties. They are an important part of the family and their help is needed. Children can learn by their parents' example that family work is not drudgery but has far-reaching benefits.

If children learn good work habits and attitudes when they're young, the habits will likely stay with them later. Good work habits can make the difference between a useful, productive life and one that is idle and wasteful. To help your children learn to work:

  • Model an enthusiastic attitude about work. Good work attitudes, habits, and skills are learned through successful experiences in the home. If parents are enthusiastic about their own tasks in the home, children will likely feel the same enthusiasm. Assess your feelings and attitudes about family work, and see if you can find more joy in it.
  • Create a happy environment around work. Children can easily develop a love for work if their parents create a happy environment around work. Avoid asking children to always perform the most unpleasant jobs. Include in their chore list at least some tasks that are meaningful to them.5
  • Don't force or manipulate children into working. If you coerce your children to work, they will associate work with unpleasant experiences and emotions. Helping them get a chore done, especially the first few times a child does a task, is especially important to creating a desire to work rather than resistance to it. For example, instead of ordering your child to "go clean your room," try saying, "Let's go clean your room." Also, children will be more likely to complete their tasks if you've let them participate in dividing up household chores.2
  • Make sure work assignments fit children's abilities. Don't ask your children to do more than they can reasonably do at their age - or too little. If their tasks fit their age and abilities, they will be more likely to get their work done and gain a sense of accomplishment. You can give even very small children simple tasks such as picking up toys or helping set the table.2
  • Praise your children for their successes. Children need recognition when they're successful. Honestly praise them for their efforts, progress, and work well done.5
  • Correct with love. When a child hasn't done an assignment well, correct him or her lovingly. You'll find that your children work better when you focus on the things they did right, not on what they missed or did poorly.
  • Make work fun. Children like to play. If you can, turn work into a game or mix fun things with work, such as singing, racing, and telling stories.
  • Give your children a day off. Everyone needs a break from routine. If you give your children one day off from chores each week, they'll be more likely to enjoy their work the following day. Also, watching Mom or Dad fill in the gaps on these days off helps children gain a greater appreciation for what family members do - and helps them see more clearly how much they are needed.
  • Don't overwork your children. Children need time to play. Be careful not to give them a list of chores so long that they don't have time for normal childhood activities.

Promoting a Family Work Perspective

While there is no magic road to revolutionize your family's view of family work, several things can help:2

  • As parents, adopt a positive attitude about family work. Children tend to mirror the attitudes their parents have about family work. If you view family work as drudgery, your children likely will as well. Make a conscious decision to see family work as an opportunity to be together and grow as a team.
  • Limit the use of some technology. Some labor-saving devices cut down on the amount of interaction that could take place between family members. For instance, using the food processor to slice veggies may save time, but it may also deprive you of an opportunity to chat with your teen while chopping vegetables together. Before using such convenience tools, ask yourself what you may be giving up in exchange and decide whether or not it's worth it.
  • Insist gently on children's help. Sometimes it's easier for parents to do all the family work themselves than to nag children until they do it. Or we may give children responsibility only for their own things, such as their own rooms or toys. But researchers have found it's wise to give children work opportunities that require them to do something for others. One study compared children who did "self-care" tasks, such as cleaning up their own rooms, with children who did "family-care" tasks, such as setting the table. The researchers found that children involved in family care tasks learned to be more concerned for others while children involved in only self-care tasks did not.
  • Avoid a business mentality at home. Don't treat family members like employees. That means staying away from motivational and supervisory approaches you might use in the workplace. Instead, adopt a mentor role. A mentor is a trusted friend who knows the person being mentored and the task well and helps the mentored be successful.
  • Work side by side with your children. If you simply send your children off to do their chores, you'll miss opportunities for connections as you work side by side. Wash the dishes with them. Paint the garage with them. Almost any task presents parents with the chance to be with their children for an extended period of time while they work toward a common goal.
  • Make housework family work. Let each family member know that a clean house, laundry, and meals are responsibilities to be shared by everyone. Have a family meeting and discuss what each family member can do to help with household chores. Pick a relaxed time for the meeting. When everyone is in a good mood, they will be more receptive to requests for help.

Additional Reading

Bahr, K. S., & Loveless, C. A. (1998). Family work in the 21st century. In M. Proctor & S. Proctor (Eds.), Charting the new millennium (pp. 173-204). Salt Lake City, UT: Aspen Books.

Cherrington, D. J. (1998). Rearing responsible children. Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

Web Links

Teaching children to work without complaining: http://www.bible.ca/f-child-teach-work.htm

Teaching your children through work: http://www.practicalparent.org.uk/play2.htm

References

  1. Bahr, K. S., & Loveless, C. A. (1998). Family work in the 21st century. In M. Proctor & S. Proctor (Eds.), Charting the new millennium (pp. 173-204). Salt Lake City, UT: Aspen Books.
  2. Bahr, K. S., & Loveless, C. A. (2000, Spring). Family work. Brigham Young Magazine, 54(1), 24-34.
  3. Bahr, K. S., Loveless, C. A., Manwaring, K., Rice, M., & Worthen, V. E. (2000). The meaning and blessings of family work. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the family (pp. 177-189). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
  4. Bellah, R. N., Madsen, R., Sullivan, W. M., Swidler, A., & Tipton, S. M. (1996). Habits of the heart. London: University of California Press.
  5. Cherrington, D. J. (1998). Rearing responsible children. Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.
  6. Gill, G. K. (1998). The third job. Employed couple's management of household work contradictions. England: Ashgate Publishing Company.
  7. Goodnow, J. J., & Bowes, J. M. (1994). Men, women and household work. Melbourne: Oxford University Press.
  8. Grusec, J. E., Goodnow, J. J., & Cohen, L. (1996). Household work and the development of concern for others. Developmental Psychology, 32, 1000.
  9. Hill, E. J. (1998, July). Doing dishes with daddy. Ensign, 24-25.

"Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, that the power to work is a blessing, that love of work is success."
- David O. McKay (1983)

Work has been the way of life on earth since Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden. God cursed the ground to bring forth thorns and thistles (Moses 4:24) so that Adam and Eve would have to labor. The Lord said to Adam, "Cursed shall be the ground for thy sake" (v. 23). Thus, eating bread "by the sweat of his face" (v. 25) was meant to be a temporal and spiritual blessing.

The fact that we must eat, stay warm, and keep clean to survive may seem a temporal matter, but according to the Lord it is not.1 Adam was commanded to work, and God gave only spiritual commandments to Adam. Thus, work has been a spiritual principle since the beginning. "Wherefore, verily, I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal; neither any man, nor the children of men; neither Adam, your father, whom I created" (D&C 29:34).

When we participate in family work, we learn how to love, serve, and sacrifice for others. Adam and Eve worked in the fields so they could provide for their own needs and the needs of their children (see Moses 5:1). Likewise, we learn to love and serve our fellow men and God when we work. King Benjamin, a Nephite prophet, said, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17).

Elder Neal A. Maxwell4 has said: "The gospel of work is a very important teaching of the Church. If we learn to work early in life we will be better individuals, better members of families, better neighbors, and better disciples of Jesus Christ, who Himself learned to work as a carpenter" (p. 7).

Family work is an important way of showing show our love for our family1. It teaches us how to sacrifice self for the good of the whole, following the example of the Savior. We also learn that the heaviest load becomes lighter when someone shares it. When we work for our family members in the spirit of love, we help provide for their needs, and we are blessed for our unselfish service.

Parents have a solemn responsibility to teach their children to work. In his conference report in 1980, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said: "It is the duty of children to obey their parents, to learn, and to help with household chores". President Gordon B. Hinckley said in 1996: "Children need to work with their parents, to wash dishes with them, to mop floors with them, to mow lawns, to prune trees and shrubbery, to paint and fix up, to clean up, and to do a hundred other things in which they will learn that labor is the price of cleanliness, progress, and prosperity".

President Kimball also emphasized on the importance of family work: "Who can gauge the value of that special chat between daughter and Dad as they weed or water the garden? . . . And how do we measure the family togetherness and cooperating that must accompany successful canning? Yes, we are laying up resources in store, but perhaps the greater good is contained in the lessons of life we learn".3

References

  1. Bahr, K. S., Loveless, C. A., Manwaring, K., Rice, M., & Worthen, V. E. (2000). The meaning and blessings of family work. In D. C. Dollahite (Ed.), Strengthening our families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the family (pp. 177-189). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
  2. Hinckley, G. B. (1996, September). Four simple things to help our families and our nations. Ensign, 2-8.
  3. Kimball, S. W. (1977, November). Welfare services: The gospel in action. Ensign, 76-78.
  4. Maxwell, N. A. (1975, June). Gospel of work. Friend, 6-10.
  5. McKay, D. O. (1983, September). Quotations. Tambuli, 17.
  6. Wirthlin, J. B. (1980, November). Let every man learn his duty. Ensign, 69-70.