Adoption touches most of our lives in some way. If you are not directly involved with adoption, most likely you know a neighbor, friend, or family member who is.
- 39% of Americans have "seriously or somewhat seriously" considered adopting.
- 64% have a family member or close friend who has been adopted, adopted a child, or placed a child for adoption.4
Adoptive families have unique challenges. If they understand these challenges and learn effective ways to handle them, they will be better off. Researchers Foli and Thompson found that three things help adoptive parents make the adoption experience positive and fulfilling:6
- Preparation
- Education
- Support services
Take the Time to Prepare
Recognize the losses. While the gains usually far outweigh the losses, it is important to recognize the losses. The birth mother has lost a child. The child has lost her birth mother. The adoptive parents may never give birth to a child that shares their genes.
Adopt for the right reasons. Examine your motives for adopting and make sure they don't include strengthening your marriage, easing depression, or lessening the pain of infertility. It's best to work through these issues before adopting.
Prepare emotionally. Take time to think through the differences between adoption and giving birth to a child. Be sure that this way of becoming a parent is right for you -- over your lifetime and not just in the moment.
Make parenting - not pregnancy - the goal. Believing that adoption is second best to giving birth will harm your relationship with your adopted child. When your goal is parenting rather than pregnancy, you will rear your adopted child in healthier ways.6
Cultivate open attitudes. If you're flexible in how you think about what makes a family, you're more likely to have a successful adoption.3 Define family by relationships instead of genes.
Look for similarities. Finding or developing common interests is a great way to bond with your adopted child. You can also find similarities in sleep patterns, personality traits, food you like, work habits, sense of humor, etc.1 When you notice differences, pay special attention to positive ones. For example, you might have two left feet but your adopted daughter dances beautifully. Celebrate these differences.1
Be prepared for insensitive questions. When you adopt a child you will most likely get some rude or insensitive questions and comments. Here is some advice for handling these comments:
- Learn to take other people's comments in stride.
- Remember that most people are just curious or trying to be friendly.
- Think through the comments you are likely to hear and plan responses you feel comfortable with.
- Use humor if that works for you.
- The way you respond to others teaches your adopted child how to respond, so behave in ways you hope your child will behave.
Get Educated
Get as much information as possible about your child. Many adoptive families say they didn't know what to expect. Even when they were given information, they didn't really understand what the information meant for their child or what impact it would have on their family.12 This problem is especially common in special needs adoptions and international adoptions. One mother who has adopted several children from China said she learned over time to expect "surprises." All the children she adopted have serious medical problems or other significant issues that weren't discovered until after the adoptions were final. Research confirms that her experience is not unusual.12
Learn about adoption. Get parenting education and training specific to adoption. Adoption agencies usually require this, and many agencies provide it. Many resources can be found through the Internet. A few are listed at the end of this article. Specific training and education you should look for include:
- How to talk with your child about being adopted. There are different approaches to this important conversation, depending on your child's age. Plan on having this discussion many times throughout your child's life.
- How to recognize signs of grief in your child. Even if you adopt your child as an infant, he will experience some degree of grief over the loss of birth parents, just as you might experience grief over the loss of the ability to have a birth child. You can learn to accept and understand this grief and develop strategies to help your child cope.
- How to build attachment with your child. Attachment doesn't always come instantly, even with biological parents and children. Building attachment takes consistent and lifelong effort. If you accept this reality, it will help you weather the hard times.
Most adoptive parents are able to successfully form a strong, healthy relationship with their adopted child.8 Attachment generally forms through consistently and lovingly meeting the child's needs. 11
Children who were neglected or abused before adoption have special problems forming attachment. You may need the help of professionals who specialize in attachment disorders.
Find opportunities for self-directed learning. Check out resources online or subscribe to a magazine or newsgroup for adoptive families.
Have realistic expectations. Learning about adoption and about your child will help you be realistic about your expectations. Many adoptees fantasize about their birth parents, and many adoptive parents also have unrealistic expectations. Having expectations you will never be able to meet sets you up for disappointment and failure.
Remember that things take time. Adoption, as well as parenthood, is a lifelong process and not an event.12
Find Support
Establish a support system. Before you adopt, think about the support you will receive from family, friends, and the community. Are the people closest to you willing to offer needed help and emotional support? Are they fully in favor of your decision to adopt? Will they help your child feel accepted?
Extended family members need to be prepared also. Pass along some books or pamphlets about adoption. Help them understand how to talk to your child. If your family is not supportive, and some aren't, you will need other people to turn to for support.
Participate in support groups that practice skill building. Many online adoption communities offer online groups, provide lists of local groups, or teach you how to form your own support group. Friends you make in these groups can become supports through later stages of adoption.
Find a coach or a mentor. This person could be a skilled adoption specialist and/or more experienced adoptive parents. You can learn a lot from adoptive parents who have already been through the experience and understand its ups and downs.12
Know how to get help from professional resources. Learn how to find and access resources that can help your family thrive. It's okay to acknowledge that you can't deal with everything on your own. A school counselor, your adoption agency, or your social worker can direct you to good professional resources. It is up to you to speak up when you or your child needs more support.
Continue to nurture your marriage and other relationships. A strong marriage is a vital support during the challenges of parenting and the added challenges of adoptive parenting. Families that report having strong marriages and having both parents equally committed to the adoption have better experiences with adoption.3 It is vital that spouses be committed to each other. This is one of the best ways you can help your child feel secure. A loving marriage based on understanding, honor, and respect can ease other pressures in the family.6 See the articles listed under "Marriage" on this website for specific ideas on how to strengthen your marriage.
Written by Tanya Bailey, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Recommended Resources:
Adoption Learning Partners - An Online Adoption Education Community
Are You Ready to Adopt? What You Can Learn From Your Motives
Child Welfare Information Gateway
Life Books: Every Adopted Child Needs One
References
- Adesman, A., & Adamec, C. (2004). Parenting your adopted child: A positive approach to building a strong family. New York: McGraw-Hill.
- Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System. (2006). The AFCARS report: Preliminary FY 2005 estimates as of September 2006.
- Clark, P., Thigpen S., Yates. A.M., (2006). Integrating the older/special needs adoptive child into the family. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 32 (2). pp. 181-194.
- Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (2002). National adoption attitudes survey research report.
- Farber, M., Timberlake, E., Mudd, H. P., & Cullen, L. (2003). Preparing parents for adoption: An agency experience. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 20(3),175-196.
- Foli, K., & Thompson, J. (2004). The post-adoption blues. New York: Rodale Press
- Howe, D. (2003). Attachment disorders: Disinhibited attachment behaviors and secure base distortions with special reference to adopted children. Attachment and Human Development, 5, 3, 265-270.
- Nickman, S., Rosenfeld, A., Fine, P., Macintyre, J., Pilowsky, D., Howe, R., Derdeyn, A., Gonzales, M., Forsythe, L., & Sveda, S. (2005). Children in adoptive families: Overview and update. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 44, 987-995.
- Pavao, J. M. (2005). The family of adoption. Boston: Beacon Press.
- Prochaska, J. M., Paiva, A., Padula, J., Prochaska, J. O., Montgomery, J. E., Hageman, L., & Bergart, A.(2005). Assessing emotional readiness for adoption using the transtheoretical model. Children and Youth Services Review, 27, 135-152.
- Robinson, G. (1998). Older child adoption. New York: Crossroad Publishing Company.
- Rycus, J., Freundlich, M., Hughes, R., Keefer, B., & Oakes, E. (2006). Confronting barriers to adoption success. Family Court Review, 44(2), 210-230.
Adoption touches most of our lives in some way. If you are not directly involved with adoption, most likely you know a neighbor, friend, or family member who is.
- 39% of Americans have "seriously or somewhat seriously" considered adopting.
- 64% have a family member or close friend who has been adopted, adopted a child, or placed a child for adoption.5
Adoptive families have unique challenges. If they understand these challenges and learn effective ways to handle them, they will be better off. Researchers Foli and Thompson found that three things help adoptive parents make the adoption experience positive and fulfilling:7
- Preparation
- Education
- Support services
Take the Time to Prepare
Recognize that adoption begins with loss. As positive as adoption usually is, it involves loss. The birth mother has lost her biological child. Your adopted child has lost her birth mother. Adoptive couples have lost the opportunity to give birth to a child that shares their genes. Other losses could include loss of control (such as an agency deciding whether you will be a parent), loss of the experience of being pregnant, and loss of a dream you had for your life.12
Adopt for the right reasons. If you are adopting to strengthen your marriage or to provide siblings for an existing child, rethink your decision. If you are infertile, you should know that the pain of infertility or any other loss doesn't go away once you adopt.15 Making sure your motives are sound and working through the grief and feelings you have about infertility or other issues is important to a happy adoption.
Prepare emotionally. One couple decided to take a two-year break after trying to get pregnant before beginning the adoption process. They felt the break gave them time to heal from the pain of their infertility and helped them be more emotionally prepared to adopt.7 Time can also give you the chance to think through the differences between adoption and giving birth to a child and feel more confident that this way of becoming a parent is right for you.12 You also should think through how this decision will affect you over the course of a lifetime and not just in this moment.11
Make parenting - not pregnancy - the goal. If you think that adoption is second best to giving birth that belief will get in the way of your relationship with your adopted child. Research shows that families who were self-conscious about adopting, having previous miscarriages, or being infertile did not have adoptions that were as fulfilling.4 Successful adoptive parents are able to let go of their dreams to give birth to a child and replace that dream with one of creating family. When your goal is parenting rather than pregnancy, you will rear your adopted child in healthier ways.7
Cultivate open attitudes. Families who have open attitudes about what makes up a family have more successful adoptions.4 For example, one man described an unrelated woman he called "Granny" as "part of the family. This is not like she's somebody who comes over, she's part of this family . . . That's our family".4 Avoid strict definitions of what family is and define family by relationships instead of genes.
Look for similarities. Happy families find ways they are similar to each other while acknowledging differences.1 Finding or developing common interests is great way to bond. You can find similarities in sleep patterns, personality traits, foods you like, work habits, sense of humor, etc.1 When you notice differences, pay special attention to positive ones. For example, you might have two left feet while your adopted daughter dances beautifully. Celebrate these differences and help your child see them in a positive light.1
Be prepared for insensitive questions. People usually don't ask, "Why did you decide to get pregnant?" But when you adopt a child you might be asked why you decided to adopt or why your child looks different than you. You will probably get comments about how noble you are for adopting or about how lucky the child is that you adopted him or her. Others may feel sorry for you that you don't have a "normal' family. Here is some advice for handling these comments:
- Learn to take other people's comments in stride.
- Remember that most people are just curious or trying to be friendly.
- Think through the comments you are likely to hear and plan responses you feel comfortable with.
- Use humor if that works for you.
- The way you respond to others teaches your adopted child how to respond, so behave in ways you hope your child will behave.
Educate Yourselves
Get as much information as possible about your child. Parents need to find out as much as possible about a child before the adoption. Many adoptive families say they didn't know what to expect. Even when they were given information, they didn't really understand what the information meant for their child or what impact it would have on their family.14 This problem is especially common in special needs adoptions and international adoptions. One mother who has adopted several children from China said she learned over time to expect "surprises." All the children she adopted have serious medical problems or other significant issues that weren't discovered until after the adoptions were final. Research confirms that her case is not unique. According a 2002 U.S. General Accounting Office statement, "In several studies, parents reported they were not given essential information about the child or the information they received was incomplete, inaccurate, and even misleading" (as cited in Rycus et al., p. 223).14 You might not be able to prevent surprises, but if you're aware that they are likely, you can take steps to limit them. Gather medical records and as many details as you can about the history of your child and research what that history could mean as he or she grows up.
Learn about adoption. Make sure you get parenting education and training specific to adoption. Adoption agencies usually require this, and many agencies provide it. Excellent resources about adoption abound, and it's worth it to search them out and take advantage of them. Many resources can be found on the Internet. A few are listed at the end of this article. Specific training and education you should look for include:
- How to talk with your child about being adopted. There are different approaches to this important conversation, depending on your child's age. Plan on having this discussion many times throughout your child's life as her maturity, understanding, and need to know increase.
- How to recognize signs of grief in your child. Even if you adopt your child as an infant, he will experience some degree of grief over the loss of birth parents, just as you might experience grief over the loss of the ability to have a birth child. You can learn to accept and understand this grief and develop strategies to help your child cope.
- How to build attachment with your child. No matter how adorable your child is and how much you want a close relationship with her, attachment doesn't always come instantly. This can be true of biological parents and children as well. Building attachment with a child is like building a good marriage or any other good relationship. It takes consistent and lifelong effort. If you accept this reality, it will help you weather the hard times.
Most adoptive parents are able to successfully form a strong, healthy relationship with their adopted child.10 It is the parents' job to build attachment.11 Attachment generally forms through consistently and lovingly meeting the child's needs.13
Children who were neglected or abused before adoption have special problems forming attachments. They may even feel afraid of love and attention.8 In these cases you will need the help of professionals who specialize in attachment disorders.
Find opportunities for self-directed learning. You might find resources online or subscribe to a magazine or newsgroup for adoptive families.
Have realistic expectations. Learning about adoption and about your child will help you be realistic about your expectations. Many adoptees fantasize about their birth parents. Adoptive parents do the same thing when they expect to adopt a perfect or extraordinary child. You may also imagine that you will be perfect parents. With all the work and evaluations you have gone through to become an adoptive parent, expecting to be an extraordinary parent is understandable. But that simply isn’t realistic. It is easy to recognize a child's fantasy for what it is, but many adoptive parents fail to see how unrealistic their own expectations are. Having expectations you will never be able to meet sets you up for disappointment and failure.
Remember that things take time. Adoption, as well as parenthood, is a lifelong process and not an event.14
Find Support
Establish a support system. Strong support is important in successful adoptions. Before you adopt, think about what kind of support you will receive from your family, friends, and the community. Are the people closest to you willing to offer help and emotional support? Are they fully in favor of your decision to adopt? Will they help your child feel accepted?
Often the extended family is overlooked in adoption. They need to be prepared also. Pass along books or pamphlets about adoption. Help them understand how to talk to your child. In one situation an adoptive mother had prepared a beautiful room for her new adopted daughter. When this woman's mother saw the room, she said, in front of her newly adopted grandchild, "What a nice room for somebody else's child." Not all situations like this can be avoided, but preparing the grandmother ahead of time might have helped.11 If your family is not supportive, and some aren't, you will need other people for support.
Participate in support groups that practice skill building. Many online adoption communities offer online groups, provide lists of local groups, or teach you how to form your own support group. Friends you make in these groups can become supports through later stages of adoption. A support group also can be a place to find information, understanding, and enrichment that you won't find anywhere else.
Find a coach or a mentor. This person could be a skilled adoption specialist and/or more experienced adoptive parents. You can learn a lot from adoptive parents who have already been through the experience and understand its ups and downs.14 Ask your adoption agency for a referral.
Know how to get help from professional resources. Learn how to find and access resources that can help your family thrive. Often the families that experience serious problems are the ones who aren't willing to ask for help. It's okay to acknowledge that you can’t deal with everything on your own. It's a sign of strength to know when to ask for help. Your adoption agency or social worker can direct you to good professional resources. Many school counselors also know of resources that you might not be aware of. You are your child's best advocate. It is up to you to speak up when you or your child needs more support.
Continue to nurture your marriage and other relationships. A strong marriage is a vital support during the challenges of parenting and the added challenges of adoptive parenting. Families that report having strong marriages and having both parents equally committed to the adoption have better experiences with adoption.4 It is vital that spouses be committed to each other. This is one of the best ways you can help your child feel secure. A loving marriage based on understanding, honor, and respect can ease other pressures in the family.7 See the articles listed under "Marriage" on this website for specific ideas on how to strengthen your marriage.
Conclusion
Adoption is an amazing way to create a family. It is a "road less traveled" that is often paved with miracles and wonders. When a couple is prepared, educated, and has good support, adoption can be a deeply fulfilling way of life.
Written by Tanya Bailey, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Recommended Resources:
Adoption Learning Partners - An Online Adoption Education Community
Are You Ready to Adopt? What You Can Learn From Your Motives
Child Welfare Information Gateway
Life Books: Every Adopted Child Needs One
References
- Adesman, A., & Adamec, C. (2004). Parenting your adopted child: A positive approach to building a strong family. New York: McGraw-Hill.
- Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System. (2006). The AFCARS report: Preliminary FY 2005 estimates as of September 2006.
- Archer, C. (1999). Parenting the child who hurts: The first steps. Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Clark, P., Thigpen, S., & Yates, A. (2006). Integrating the older/special needs adopted child into the family. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 32(2), 181-194.
- Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (2002). National adoption attitudes survey research report.
- Farber, M., Timberlake, E., Mudd, H. P., & Cullen, L. (2003). Preparing parents for adoption: An agency experience. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 20(3), 175-196.
- Foli, K., & Thompson, J. (2004). The post-adoption blues. Emmaus, PA: Rodale Press.
- Howe, D. (2003). Attachment disorders: Disinhibited attachment behaviors and secure base distortions with special reference to adopted children. Attachment and Human Development, 5(3), 265-270.
- Mullin, E. S., & Johnson, L. (1999). The role of birth/previously adopted children in families choosing to adopt children with special needs. Child Welfare League of America, 128(5), 579-591.
- Nickman, S., Rosenfeld, A., Fine., Macintyre, J., Pilowsky, D., Howe, R., Derdeyn, A., Gonzales, M., Forsythe, L., & Sveda, S. (2005). Children in adoptive families: Overview and update. Journal of the American Academy of Child Adolescent Psychiatry, 44, 987-995.
- Pavao, J. M. (2005). The family of adoption. Boston: Beacon.
- Prochaska, J. M., Paiva, A., Padula, J, Prochaska, J. O., Montgomery, J. E., Hageman, L., & Bergart, A. (2005). Assessing emotional readiness for adoption using the transtheoretical model. Children and Youth Services Review, 27, 135-152.
- Robinson, G. (1998). Older child adoption. New York: Crossroad Publishing Company.
- Rycus, J., Freundlich, M., Hughes, R., Keefer, B., & Oakes, E. (2006). Confronting barriers to adoption success. Family Court Review, 44(2), 210-230.
- Smith, S. L., & Howard, J. A. (1999). Promoting successful adoptions practice with troubled families. Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publications.
- U.S. Department of State (2006). Immigrant visas issued to orphans coming to the U.S.
- U.S. Census Bureau (USCB)(2003). Facts for features.
- Van Ijzendoorn, J., & Poelhuis, K. (2005). Adoption and cognitive development: A meta-analytic comparison of adopted and nonadopted children's IQ and school performance. Psychological Bulletin, 131, 301-316.
- Wright, L., & Flynn, C. (2006). Adolescent adoption: Success despite challenges. Children and Youth Services Review, 28, 487-510.
The First Presidency praised adoption in a statement made in 2001:
We affirm the sanctity of life and its importance in God's eternal plan. We honor adoption as a positive way to provide children the blessings of a family and commend the many single women and men who choose adoption for their newborn infants. We appreciate the families who provide adoptive homes for these infants. Likewise, we acknowledge the many families who open their hearts and homes to adopt children who are older or have medical and other special needs. We also commend government and civic leaders who defend and promote adoption and other measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family.2
The President of the United States of America, George W. Bush, has proclaimed the month of November as National Adoption Month. We endorse this proclamation and express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption instable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children.
Children are entitled to the blessing of being reared in a stable family environment where father and mother honor marital vows. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.
President Ezra Taft Benson honored those who choose to adopt, saying that many "have prayerfully chosen to adopt children, and . . . [you] wonderful couples we salute . . . for the sacrifices and love you."1
See It's About Love for more information on adoption.
Written by Tanya Bailey, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
- Benson, E. T. (Feb. 22, 1987). Annual parents fireside. Church News, pp. 3, 10.
- The First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (2001, 16 November). News release.