The Family: A Proclamation to the World calls upon extended family members to lend support to other family members when needed. Grandparents have a great opportunity to support their grandchildren, and in fact do much parenting of these children in their own right.
In order to be the best grandparent one can be, it's important to understand the development of grandchildren. One scholar, Erik Erikson, has suggested several stages children pass through, and the tasks important to be learned at these stages. By understanding these stages, grandparents can help their grandchildren learn what is important for them to know at certain ages.
In stage one, children learn to develop trust based on their surroundings. If their needs are met and they feel safe and secure, trust will result. During this stage, grandparents can be helpful by providing positive encouragement to the parents and baby-sitting every now and then to provide the parents some time alone and to help maintain a healthy marriage. Avoid over-stimulating infants and interact with the baby by talking, singing, holding, rocking, playing, etc.
This stage encompass the "terrible twos" when "NO!" is the child's favorite word and he wants to do everything all by himself as he tries to achieve autonomy. Avoid power struggles; there is nothing more frustrating than arguing with a 3-year-old! When your granddaughter says "no" to going inside, simply take her by the hand and lead her gently in. Keep your sense of humor! Separation from parents is a major issue during this time so providing opportunities for positive experiences away from mommy can help foster their autonomy. Encourage exploration by taking them on nature walks and provide opportunities for social interaction with others.
Initiative is the task children are working on at this age; they love to plan, make, and do. Grandparents can help them by introducing new ideas, skills, projects, and hobbies. They love being given small jobs to do but still need guidance. Some examples might be squeezing oranges together, washing the car, gardening, etc. Take them seriously and respect what they are feeling. Remember that children love to play and pretend. Using their imagination stimulates creativity. When pretending together, understand that children like to repeat the same play situations over and over. To avoid getting bored try to vary the theme a little each time but don't try to control their fantasy world.
During this stage children work to attain industry. They are ready for work and need opportunities to learn (many are provided at school). Doing projects together is a great way to encourage work and learning. You might bake cookies, make a birdhouse, take outings, encourage interest in music, sports, art, nature, and tell stories. Don't be in a hurry; children love attention and as a grandparent you can give them lots of it!
This is the time children seek to find their identity. Peers become very important and parents less so. "You can be a stabilizing influence at a time when parents can't reach them" (Carson, 1996, 85). Just be available to listen, remembering that they trust you. Try not to judge them, and instead relate to them by sharing personal experiences and your ideas and philosophies of life. Encourage them to try hard in school and pursue their interests. Teach them about their cultural heritage. Support their parents. Have adventures together. Keep a constructive problem-solving approach.
Grandparenting is more than cookies and milk. Research verifies a number of the important roles grandparents can play in the lives of their grandchildren.
One important role grandparents play are as playmates to their grandchildren. Here are some additional ideas for activities to do when you are together.
While children and adults alike love stories, true stories revealing some family history hold special value for building their sense of relatedness and belonging. Stories with a lighter side provoke fun and laughter while reflecting part of the character of relatives. Children are especially interested in the geographical pathways of their ancestors. Stories not related to family life, such as ghost stories or fantasy tales, are also effective. Grandparents can record their stories on tape so they can be retold again and again even though they aren't present.
Take pictures of grandchildren. Have a favorite snapshot sent off for enlargement to poster size, and send to your grandchildren. This will help them develop a strong sense of self at a time when the world of people seems so much bigger than they are.
A spinning wheel, an old flintlock gun, pocket watches, razor, locks of great grandmother's hair, her combs, a doll that has survived generations--these are all things that can help build a child's sense of family history and strength. Newspaper clippings, old deeds, recipes for soap, canceled checks for once-in-a-lifetime purchases help tell the story of how one generation lived and transmitted its value and property to the next generation.
Here is a list of other ideas you might try:
By understanding the developmental levels of children and spending time with them, grandparents can have more fun with their grandchildren and encourage healthy growth and learning, whatever their age.
Written by Marisa Beebe, Research Assistant, and Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Carson, L. (1996). The essential grandparent. Deerfield Beach: Health Communications, Inc.
As life expectancy rises, more and more people are becoming grandparents, living to see their grandchildren grow up, and watching their grandchildren have children of their own.
Just about everyone will become a grandparent during their lifetime (Pruchno & Johnson, 1996). The median age for becoming a grandmother is 45 years old, and most women will spend nearly half their lives in this role (Long & Silverstein, 1998).
Throughout these later years, both grandmothers and grandfathers can help grandchildren and great-grandchildren gain a sense of identity, give unconditional love, represent hope for the future, stand as a source of stability and security, act as a mentor, and exemplify positive values, ideals, and beliefs.
Many changes in society mean that grandparents have an unprecedented opportunity to be an influence for good in the lives of their progeny. A higher rate of divorce and more mothers in the workplace mean that grandparents are called on more than ever before to care for grandchildren. Better health and financial security for seniors gives them more resources to help succeeding generations (Bengston, 1985; Smith, 1995).
As Dr. Lillian Carson (1996) says, "If you’ve ever wanted to make a difference in this world, active grandparenting provides the perfect opportunity" (p. 44).
Ideas about the role of grandparents have changed dramatically. The first articles about grandparents published in the 1930s and 1940s, written mostly by psychiatrists, focused on the negative affects of meddlesome grandmothers who interfered in their children’s childrearing with old-fashioned views. A 1952 study by Staples presented a kinder view, explaining that "a well-liked grandma . . . keeps up with the times . . . [and] makes transition from position of responsibility to rendering interested helpful service" (p. 340).
By the 1960s and 1970s, grandparents were looked upon more favorably. Grandparents tended to hold less strict and authoritarian views and were more indulgent and warm than a decade before. In 1981 Kornhaber and Woodward described a "vital connection" of grandparents to grandchildren, focusing on the important influence grandparents have in the lives of their grandchildren. Recent research reaffirms their importance and increasingly focuses on their expanding role as childcare provider.
Becoming a grandparent is both an exciting and stressful time. It has been called a "countertransition" because grandparents can’t control when this stage of their life begins (Pruchno & Johnson, 1996). Furthermore, the transition is ongoing. Most grandparents have more than one grandchild, so they are grandparents to young grandchildren over a period of years.
This transition period may overlap with other important events and responsibilities. Most grandparents experience a period of time when they still have their own children living at home. Grandparents may also be caring for elderly parents (Szinovacz, 1998). As the years progress, grandparents generally retire and often husbands pass away.
Grandparenthood does not come naturally. It requires thinking and planning (Carson, 1996). Dr. Carson offers the following advice on making the transition to becoming a grandparent:
Grandparenthood brings many benefits. Grandparents don’t have to worry about the everyday responsibilities of childcare such as getting kids out of bed, dressed, fed, and out the door to school. They have the freedom to decide how involved they want to be in their grandchildren’s lives. Without any ultimate responsibility, they are free to savor their grandchildren’s natural spontaneity, joy, innocence, and affection (Almada, 2000).
Research has found that most grandparents find their role satisfying. Peterson (1999) reported that grandparents enjoy their role for many reasons, including feeling young again, gaining emotional fulfillment, sharing in their grandchildren’s activities, and observing their grandchildren’s development. Grandparents who have the most contact with their grandchildren report the most satisfaction.
One grandmother explained why being a grandparent is fulfilling for her: "Having grandchildren is the vindication of everything I have done as a parent. When we see our children passing on our values to another generation, we know we have been successful" (Rutherford et al., 1999, p. 97A).
The experience of grandparenting brings more happiness than grandparents expect. Somary and Stricker (1998) found that all the grandparents in their study reported higher levels of satisfaction in their grandparenting role than they expected. They concluded that "one can never fully anticipate how much joy a grandchild will bring until he/she actually arrives" (p. 59).
Often a special bond connects grandparent and grandchild (Carson, 1996; Rutherford et al., 1999). Both are outside the mainstream of society: children are "too young" and grandparents are "too old." Grandparents don’t carry the parental burdens of taking care of daily needs, helping with schoolwork, chauffeuring, disciplining, etc. Because of grandparents’ wisdom, experience, and broader perspective, they are often more accepting of grandchildren. And they can afford to be more indulgent.
Victor Hugo related a story that illustrates the unique friendship between grandparent and grandchild: "My granddaughter was made to sit in a closet with no food as punishment. When I snuck her a cookie I said, ‘I could get in a lot of trouble for doing this. They may put me in the closet.’ She answered, ‘Don’t worry grandfather, then I will bring you a cookie’" (Carson, 1996, p. 30).
When grandchildren become adolescents, their parents may be very emotionally involved and concerned. Grandparents’ greater emotional and physical distance can enable them to see things more objectively and more broadly. Often they can provide a listening ear without passing judgment. Many adults express fond memories of their grandparents during this period of life and express sentiments such as, "I would never have made it without my grandparents" (Carson, 1996).
Grandparents can have an impact on their grandchildren’s lives in many different ways. They can act as the family historian, mentor, playmate, nurturer, role model, confidante, advocate, advisor, and surrogate parent (Bengston, 1985; Olsen, Taylor, & Taylor, 2000; Tomlin, 1998). They also can profoundly influence the development of their grandchildren, including the following ways:
Barusch and Steen (1996) call grandparents "keepers of community" because they often interpret and pass on knowledge of events and people in their culture. To help children understand their heritage, grandparents can tell stories, show pictures, do genealogy, collect family recipes, explain heirlooms, and organize family reunions (Carson, 1996).
Joseph Kennedy Jr. remembered his Grandma Rose sharing the past with him by showing him pictures. "We thought she was just sharing old memories until she showed us an ad for employment that said ‘No Irish need apply.’ Then she admonished us to ‘never forget what our roots were’" (Carson, 1996, p. 56).
Dr. Benjamin Spock wrote, "Love and enjoy your child for what he is . . . and forget about the qualities that he doesn’t have. The child who is appreciated for what he is . . . will have a spirit that will make the best of all the capacities that he has and of all the opportunities that come his way" (cited in Carson, 1996, p. 46). Grandparents can foster self-esteem by showing constant love and acceptance through words and deeds (Carson, 1996).
Research supports the idea that grandparents can have a significant positive impact on the lives of their grandchildren. Studies of grandparents who are the parents of teenage mothers show that the presence of a nurturing grandfather results in fewer negative feelings and increased obedience by grandchildren to their mother’s requests (Tomlin, 1998). Another study showed that a healthy attachment between grandmother and mother encourages healthy attachment between mother and grandchild (Tomlin, 1998).
The level of grandparents’ influence depends on many factors, including the following.
Researchers have found that there is a certain period of life when becoming a grandparent is considered most normal or "on time." For women this age is approximately between 45 and 60. Women who become grandmothers at an earlier age may try to disassociate themselves from the role because of preconceived ideas that being a grandmother means a person is old (Smith, 1995). They might insist "I’m too young to be a grandmother" or "I’m still too busy with my own life, children, career, and interests." Young grandmothers are more likely to feel unhappy with a grandmotherly role and unready for its responsibilities.
Timberlake and Chipungu (1992) compared how women in two different age groups perceived the value of grandchildren: African-American grandmothers 46 to 60 years old ("on-time") and African-American grandmothers 30 to 41 years old ("off-time"). The "on-time" grandmas said their grandchildren meant more to them. Becoming a grandparent especially late in life (after 70) can also compromise the grandparent-grandchildren relationship. Older grandparents may feel dismayed that they will not get to spend much time with their grandchildren or be physically fit and able to do all the activities with them they would like to (Burton & Bengston, 1985).
In our society, fathers and grandfathers sometimes are less involved because they feel less competent at childrearing. But children need grandfathers just as much as grandmothers. The daughter of the late Israeli Prime Minister Yizhak Rabin said at his funeral, "Grandpa, you are my hero. I want you to know that. Everything I did, I always saw you before me" (Carson, 1996, p. 152).
Grandfathers who had busy work schedules when their were raising their families sometimes take a special interest in grandchildren as a way of making up for what they missed with their own children. Parents can involve grandfathers by seeking their input and not assuming that grandmothers are more interested in grandparenting.
Grandparents with higher levels of education tend to participate in more activities with their grandchildren, discuss problems, talk about their grandkids’ future, and act as a teacher. They are more likely to teach skills and give advice (King & Elder, 1998).
In order to be the best grandparent one can be, it is important to understand the development of grandchildren (Carson, 1996). Erik Erikson offered a model of the life cycle with eight stages corresponding to eight emotional tasks to be learned. Five of the stages are explained below.
Stage One: Birth to 2 years
During this stage, children learn to develop trust. If their needs are met and they feel safe and secure, they will become trusting. Grandparents can be helpful at this stage by providing positive encouragement to parents and by babysitting occasionally to give parents time alone, which in turn helps them maintain a healthy marriage. They should interact with the baby by talking, singing, holding, rocking, and playing, but allow the infant have alone time, too.
Stage Two: 2 to 4 years
This stage includes the "terrible twos" when "NO!" becomes a child’s favorite word and he wants to do everything himself as he tries to achieve autonomy. There is nothing more frustrating than arguing with a two-year-old or three-year-old, so avoid these power struggles and keep your sense of humor. For example, when your granddaughter says "no" to going inside, simply take her by the hand and gently lead her in.
Children are learning to separate from their parents during this stage, so providing opportunities for positive experiences away from mommy and daddy can help foster autonomy. Encourage exploration by taking them on nature walks and providing opportunities for social interaction with others.
Stage Three: 4 to 7 years
Initiative is the task children work on at this age; they love to plan, make, and do. Grandparents can help by introducing new ideas, skills, projects, and hobbies. Children at this age love being given small jobs but still need guidance. You might squeeze oranges together, wash the car, garden, etc. Take them seriously and respect what they are feeling.
Children at this stage also love to play and pretend. Using their imagination stimulates creativity. When pretending together, understand that children like to repeat the same play situations over and over. To avoid getting bored, try to vary the theme but don’t control their imagination.
Stage Four: 7 to 13 years
This is the stage for attaining industry. Children are ready to work and need opportunities to learn. School fills many of these needs, and you can encourage further work and learning by doing projects with your grandchildren such as baking cookies, making a birdhouse, taking them on outings, telling stories, and encouraging interest in music, sports, art, and nature.
Stage Five: 14 to 22 years
This is the prime time when children seek to find their identity. Peers become more important and parents less important. "You can be a stabilizing influence at a time when parents can’t reach them" (Carson, 1996, p. 85). Be available to listen and avoid judging. Relate to them by sharing personal experiences and your ideas and philosophies of life but without lecturing. Encourage them to try hard in school and pursue their interests. Teach them about their cultural heritage. Support their parents. Have adventures together. Teach them constructive problem-solving.
People are living longer than ever before, and today it is more the rule than the exception to have at least one grandchild over the age of 18 (Long & Silverstein, 1998). Only recently has the relationship between grandparents and their adult grandchildren been a subject of researchers’ attention.
The role of grandparents changes as grandchildren grow up, get married, and have children of their own. Although contact and proximity usually decrease as the grandchild becomes independent, the relationship is still influential and important. A large proportion of adult grandchildren keep in regular contact with their closest grandparent (Pruchno & Johnson, 1996). Their relationship with grandparents comes to be based on friendship rather than obligation (Roberto & Stroes, 1992). More than 80% of teenagers see their grandparents as someone they can confide in. Good relationships with young grandchildren grow into good relationships with adult grandchildren (Pruchno & Johnson, 1996).
The most significant effect grandparents have on adult grandchildren is in the area of value development. Studies of college students found that grandparents were important in establishing political, religious, sexual, moral, and educational values as well as family ideals, work ethic, and identity (Tomlin, 1998). Grandparents often continue to give emotional and financial support to adult grandchildren, and grandchildren in turn feel responsibility to care for grandparents in their old age (Hodgson, 1998).
In his study of adult grandchildren and grandfathers, Taylor (1998) found that nearly all participants felt at least "somewhat emotionally close" and viewed the role of grandfather as "very important." Adult grandchildren expected their grandfathers to not let them down, be a good example, treat their grandmother kindly, and show love and acceptance.
Among the activities that help to bring adult grandchildren and grandfathers closer are family get-togethers (reunions, birthday celebrations, picnics, holidays), working together, recreational activities (games, puzzles, hunting, fishing), and conversing. Taylor (1998) concludes that a strong bond is based on frequent contact, serving one another, and talking to each other.
When living far away, it is important to keep in touch with your grandchildren and be with them in spirit (Carson, 1996). Make a list of important dates to remember such as birthdays, recitals, and sports competitions. Do something special to acknowledge these events.
Talking on the phone is a great way to keep in contact. Children are never to young to listen to your voice. Here are some guidelines for telephone calls:
Letters are a wonderful way to let grandchildren know you’re thinking of them. They also provide a tangible memento. Children love to get letters in the mail. Include small items like stickers or pictures to let them know you’re thinking of them. Encourage their writing skills by asking them to write back. To help them know you better, tape-record yourself reading a story or send pictures of yourself doing something you do frequently.
Email provides for quick and easy communication. Websites that allow families to have their own web pages offer a place to show photos, share anecdotes, and remind of special dates (Rutherford et al., 1999).
When you travel to visit your grandchildren, try to keep visits brief (about three days)--"leave them wanting more" (Carson, 1996, p. 129). If you stay longer, be aware that you are disrupting the family’s routine and try to be respectful of it. Here are some practical ideas for keeping visits enjoyable:
When grandchildren travel to visit you:
Gifts show your grandchildren you love them and value them. It is important to get parents’ permission first to avoid possible problems. Think about what effect you want your gift to have. Should it encourage learning, develop skills, introduce new ideas, be just for fun, encourage play? Don’t wait only for special occasions or you may miss opportunities to foster learning and growth. Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Here are some ideas for gifts:
A New York survey found the dismaying statistic that 50% of people 60 years and older can expect a married child to divorce (Spitze, Logan, Deane, & Zerger, 1994). Divorce affects grandparents in many ways. Ties to family tend to decrease. Divorce sometimes offends the values held by grandparents, straining the grandparent-child relationship.
Divorce also often causes a "reorientation of kinship" (Johnson, 1998). Mothers, who most often gain custody of children, may turn to maternal grandparents for financial support and childcare. Thus ties to the maternal grandparents increase while paternal grandparents may be left without a direct link to their grandchildren. Often, though, paternal grandparents are able to remain a part of their grandchildren’s lives if they have a continuing friendship with the mother. They also can make efforts to see their grandchildren when the children are with their father. Conflicts of loyalty may result for paternal grandparents if the father remarries a woman with children of her own.
Adjusting to divorce is made more difficult by the lack of ritual associated with it. No one really knows how to act after a divorce and there are no rules for relationships with extended family of the "other side. Divorce is a state of "social limbo" (Johnson, 1998). Despite this confusion, divorce calls for grandparents to play a more active role in their grandchildren’s lives than they otherwise might. Grandparents can act as an essential source of stability and continuity at a time when their grandchildren are almost certainly feeling insecure and distressed.
The natural tendency when an adult child is divorcing is to side with that child and not with the child’s spouse. Grandparents should do their best to resist this tendency and stay as neutral as possible for the sake of their grandchildren. Divorcing parents are likely to be feeling strong emotions, and grandparents can act as mediators and offer unbiased support—if they haven’t taken sides. This support may include taking care of grandchildren, giving financial aid, listening sympathetically, encouraging and participating in family rituals that help provide normalcy (such as birthdays, graduations, holidays), and planning fun activities for grandchildren. Strom and Strom (1991) advise grandparents to be a friend to their grandchildren and wait patiently while their role after a divorce is redefined.
Grandparents are increasingly being asked to provide childcare for their grandchildren (Hirshorn, 1998). The level of care varies greatly. Some grandparents may be asked to provide occasional babysitting or temporary childcare. This fits within the traditional role of noninterference in childrearing, and a majority of grandparents provide this service. Routine or long-term care, however, requires a large investment of time and effort. Research shows that grandparents generally believe parents should be the primary caregivers, that adult children should live on their own, and that grandparents should be called upon for help only when it is necessary (Pebeley & Rudkin, 1999).
The usual role of giving parents a break by babysitting or helping in an emergency has expanded greatly for reasons that include:
Full-time care is needed when a parent leaves or is unable to provide care. This situation takes the grandparent out of the traditional role and requires reorganizing and redefining relationships (Hirshorn, 1998). If grandparents accept the role of full-time caregiver, they become "surrogate parents." Surrogate parenting usually falls under one of two scenarios:
Coresidence is more common and usually happens during a transition in the parent’s life such as divorce, changing jobs, unemployment, or poverty. In 1997 about 11% of grandparents reported having had a grandchild live with them (Pebley & Rudkin, 1999).
During this stressful time, grandparents can be a source of secure attachment for young children. The more contact a grandmother has with her grandchildren, the more she acts like a mother as a base of attachment. In studies with families where teenage mothers received assistance from the grandparents, grandfathers were seen to have a positive influence on their grandchild, probably by providing a male role model of nurturance and cooperation (Oyserman, Rodin, & Benn, 1993).
Brown and colleagues (1995) compared school-age children in two-parent and single families and children residing with grandparents and found no significant difference in physical health. Their emotional well-being was generally good, but over half the children experienced some negative effects because of their parents’ absence. Solomon and Marx (1995) concluded that children living with grandparents were not as successful in school as children living with both parents and were less likely to complete high school.
The effort, time, and devotion demanded for full-time childcare affects grandparents as well. Most grandparents expect they will be part of an ideal scenario that includes voluntary visits and fun with grandchildren. As one woman said, "They come to see me, I dote on them, and buy them things" (Morrow-Kondos, Weber, Cooper, & Hesser, 1997, p. 38). When grandparents are full-time caregivers, however, they can’t enjoy this limited role. They don’t have the freedom to be indulgent and unconditionally accepting because they have to worry about discipline, school, meals, homework, etc. Most feel increased fatigue from the demands of caring for children.
Grandparents are generally not eager to take over the care of grandchildren, as it can be overwhelming and often is a result of family trauma. Grandparents involved in full-time care may have less time for their spouse, friends, and themselves. In their study on the effects of caregiving on grandparents, Bowers and Myers (1999) compared grandmothers giving full-time, part-time, and no care to grandchildren. They found that the majority of full-time and part-time caregivers felt they had an excellent relationship with their grandchildren. Full-time caregivers were more likely to experience a negative change in their relationship with their spouse, including loss of privacy and husbands becoming jealous of time spent with grandchildren. Full-time caregivers experienced higher levels of burden and stress that were associated with more behavior problems in their grandchildren. Part-time caregivers reported the most satisfaction in their role as grandmother.
Grandparents face many unique issues as surrogate parents. Role confusion often occurs, with grandchildren, especially very young ones, not knowing what to call their grandma. One grandmother said her two-year-old grandchild always calls her "mama" but also calls his real mother "mama." She wonders if he will be confused about having two mamas as he gets older. Another grandma worried if she had done the right thing in telling her four-year-old grandchild that he should not call her "mama" but "Nana."
Many grandparents express feeling sadness in their role. They may wonder what they did wrong or feel disappointed in their son or daughter. And they may grieve for the loss of the grandparenting role they hoped for: "You cannot be a grandparent and a parent too. You grieve because it hasn’t turned out like you thought. You expected to rear children and then to sit back and be a grandparent. Now I can’t be a grandparent. I have to be a parent . . . again" (Morrow-Kondos et al., 1997, p. 39).
On the positive side, grandparents providing full-time care enjoy getting to know their grandchildren. "There’s nothing better than warm baby snuggle to get your day off to a good start" said one grandma (Morrow-Kondos et al., 1997, p. 41). Surrogate parenting also gives grandparents an opportunity to pass on their values and give more experienced advice and guidance than when they were parents. Ninety-six percent of the full-time caregivers in Bowers and Meyer’s (1999) study said if they had the chance to do it over, they would take on the responsibility again.
Strom and Strom (1991, 1992) suggest that grandparents raising grandchildren are more likely to be successful if they do the following:
The Brookdale Foundation, a national association devoted to grandparents, funds a Grandparent Information Center that collects and distributes information about grandparenting. They also coordinate support groups. Another organization, Raising Our Children’s Kids: An Intergenerational Network of Grandparenting (ROCKING) has a directory of local support groups. These support groups, while usually not funded or run by trained professionals, allow grandparents to support one another and give each other ideas, tips, and a listening ear (Szinovacz & Roberts, 1994).
http://www.cyberparent.com/gran/ Provides articles of interest to grandparents, a discussion group, ideas for activities with grandkids, and tips for keeping in touch with grandchildren.
http://www.aarp.org/confacts/programs/grandraising.html Official website of the AARP foundation, a national program that provides services for seniors. It gives links to support groups, financial assistance, and other services for grandparents raising grandchildren.
http://hometown.aol.com/ChuckBio/web.html The Grandparents Web Ring is an open email group for members interested in sharing educational ideas and stories about grandparenting. The site has links to Today’s Grandparent Magazine, Health News, Child Safety News, and other sites created by grandparents.
Written by Marisa Beebe, Research Assistant, and edited by Susanne Olsen Roper and Stephen F. Duncan, professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
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Recent research emphasizes the important role grandparents play in their grandchildren's lives. Scholars have found that grandparents often serve as a role model, friend, caregiver, family historian, mentor, and source of unconditional love for their grandchildren.
This research confirms gospel teachings about the family. Latter-day Saints believe that families are eternal, and grandparents are an important link in the unbroken chain that binds families together.
Elder L. Tom Perry (1982) said, "How glorious are the Lord's teachings to his children that there can be eternal family associations with grandparents, parents, children, and grandchildren in one eternal family organization" (p. 59). He also taught (1985) the importance of the extended family: "To build a foundation strong enough to support a family in our troubled world today requires the best effort of each of us--father, mother, brother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, uncles, cousins" (p. 23).
One of grandparents' most important responsibilities is to help parents teach children. In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin advised his people of their duty to teach children: "But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve on another" (Mosiah 4:15). Elder M. Russell Ballard (1991) taught that it is not only parents who have this responsibility to teach: "Parents share this sacred trust with . . . grandparents . . . and all who touch the lives and impress or influence the souls of those precious children" (p. 78).
Grandparents who teach their grandchildren to live and love the gospel, especially by their example, give a gift of eternal value. President Ezra Taft Benson (1989) said an important way grandparents can be examples is by writing their personal histories, sharing experiences, testimonies, and faith from their own lives. They can also be family historians, helping children learn about their ancestors and turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the fathers (Malachi 4:6).
Serving missions is another way grandparents can be an example of righteousness. Elder Hales (2001) promised that grandparents who are willing to leave their families to serve in the mission field will bring blessings to their families, including reactivation of family members, baptisms, and strengthened testimonies.
Grandparents can also set an example for succeeding generations by working in the temple, accepting and fulfilling Church callings, and giving Christ-like service (Benson, 1989).
The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that "extended families should lend support when needed" (¶ 7). Grandparents thus can help with childcare, be available in times of need, and lend emotional support. They can help make the home a safe, secure haven where children learn morals and values (Faust, 1987).
One of the best gifts grandparents can give grandchildren is time. Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1994) pleaded with parents and grandparents to "scrutinize your schedules and priorities in order to ensure that life's prime relationships get more prime time!" (p. 90).
President Benson (1989) suggested that grandparents nurture their relationships with grandchildren by reading books with them, sharing stories, and helping them gain a gospel perspective of life. Grandparents who live far away can send letters, tapes, and photos. They should make their best efforts to attend special family events such as graduations, weddings, temple trips, missionary farewells and homecomings, baby blessings, and baptisms.
President and Sister Gordon B. Hinckley exemplify good grandparenting (Thomas, 1997). First, they make time for their grandchildren. Their extended family gathers at least once a month for family home evening. They invite grandchildren to accompany them on speaking assignments or temple dedications. They show interest in their grandchildren's lives by asking about each individually, inquiring about school, sports, dating, etc. A special tradition is to hold a Christmas party for the grandchildren without their parents.
President Hinckley worries about the problems they face in an increasingly difficult world and offers advice and prayers to help them. He stays in touch with current culture so he can understand their challenges. Sister Hinckley keeps her grandchildren in mind while traveling, often sending letters and postcards from all over the world.
It is a grandparent's duty to help teach and raise grandchildren in the light of the gospel. By being good examples and making the effort to be involved in their grandchildren's lives, grandparents can be of invaluable service and influence.
For additional reading…
Benson, E. T. (1989, November). To the elderly in the church. Ensign, 4-8.
Ballard, M. R. (1991, May). Teach the children. Ensign, 78-80.
Benson, E. T. (1989, November). To the elderly in the church. Ensign, 4-8.
Faust, J. E. (1987, May). "Will I be happy?" Ensign, 80-82.
Hales, R. D. (2001, May). Couple missionaries: A time to serve. Ensign, 25-27.
Perry, L. T. (1982, May). Let us go up to the house of God. Ensign, 53-59.
Thomas, J. (1997, April). My Grandfather the prophet. New Era, 28-33.