Nurturing Love and Respect in Marriage Main Article LDS Perspective

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The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that successful marriages are established on principles of love, respect, and compassion (¶ 7). President Hinckley (1997) has said that the prescription for today's troubled families is "plain, simple, everyday love and respect" (p. 69).

Church leaders have taught us a great deal about how we can love one another in marriage. Marion D. Hanks (1984) said that a strong marriage never "just happens" (p. 35). It is brought about by "two mature, loving adults who are able and willing to learn the principles upon which a vital and durable marriage may be fashioned and who, day by day, year by year, work on that process" (p. 35).

President Spencer W. Kimball (1972) said:

[Love in marriage] is deep, inclusive, comprehensive. It is not like that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly physical attraction. When marriage is based on this only, the parties soon tire of one another. . . . The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but spiritual attraction as well. It is faith and confidence in, and understanding of, one another. It is a total partnership. It is companionship with common ideals and standards. It is unselfishness toward and sacrifice for one another. It is cleanliness of thought and action and faith in God and his program. It is parenthood in mortality ever looking toward godhood and creationship, and parenthood of spirits. It is vast, all-inclusive, and limitless. This kind of love never tires or wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity. (pp. 130-131)

The type of love President Kimball describes is very similar to charity as described in the scriptures. In the Book of Mormon, we read that charity is the pure love of Christ and that it endures forever, never fails, suffers long, is kind, envies not, is not puffed up, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. (Moroni 7:45-47)

Elder Marlin K. Jensen (1994) of the Seventy further explains how charitable love strengthens a marriage:

I suppose 'loving kindness' is a synonym for charity, or the pure love of Christ. I know that it is an absolutely essential ingredient in an eternal marriage and that romantic love cannot be separated from it or flourish without it. Loving kindness is a common thread in all the exceptional marriages with which I am acquainted, and it is the remedy for almost all marital problems.

If we will strive to love with understanding, the Spirit will teach us 'all things what [we] should do' (2 Nephi 32:5) to achieve an eternal marriage pleasing to the Lord. Under the influence of the Spirit, our sympathy and love for our eternal companions will deepen, and we will come to know a happiness and contentment in marriage that the world will never know. (p. 47)

Marital love must be nourished if it is to become strong and stay strong. President Kimball (1977) taught:

Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness. (p. 5)

While serving in the Seventy, Elder James E. Faust (1977) said that one of the main reasons for divorce is "the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage. . . , an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull" (pp. 10-11). He advised couples on the importance of little things: "In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine" (pp. 10-11).

Purposeful acts of kindness and consideration keep love strong in marriage. Elder Lynn G. Robbins (2000) explains that love is something you decide to give and show, not something you "fall into." It's important that both partners in a marriage understand this concept so that they focus less on overly romantic feelings and more on behavior. When partners practice loving behavior, loving feelings follow naturally:

Because love is as much a verb as it is a noun, the phrase 'I love you' is much more a promise of behavior and commitment than it is an expression of feeling. . . . Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can't "fall out of love," because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not "fall into," strong, loving marriages and families. (p. 22)

Our love for the Lord-our discipleship-is an important key to keeping our love for one another alive. President Kimball (1976) said:

If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have this great happiness. When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically, so that their whole thoughts and desires and love are all centered in one being, their companion, and both are working together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle. (p. 24)

Written by Melissa M. Wood, Graduate Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

Faust, J. E. (1977, November). The enriching of marriage. Ensign, 10-11. Retrieved August 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1977.htm/ensign%20november%201977.htm/the%20enriching%20of%20marriage%20.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=7622

Hanks, M. D. (1984, November). Eternal marriage. Ensign, 35-38. Retrieved August 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1984.htm/ensign%20november%201984%20.htm/eternal%20marriage.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=4751

Hinckley, G. B. (1997, November). Look to the future. Ensign, 67. Retrieved August 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1997.htm/ensign%20november%201997.htm/look%20to%20the%20future.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=6798

Jensen, M. K. (1994, October). A union of love and understanding. Ensign, 47. Retrieved August 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1994.htm/ensign%20october%201994.htm/a%20union%20of%20love%20and%20understanding.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=217

Kimball, S. W. (1972). Faith precedes the miracle. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.

Kimball, S. W. (1976). Marriage and divorce. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Kimball, S. W. (1977, March). Oneness in marriage. Ensign, 5. Retrieved August 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1977.htm/ensign%20march%201977.htm/first%20presidency%20message%20oneness%20in%20marriage%20.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=7078

Robbins, L. G. (2000, October). Agency and love in marriage. Ensign, 16. Retrieved August 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/2000.htm/ensign%20october%202000.htm/agency%20and%20love%20in%20marriage.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=5721