Increasing Intimacy in Marriage Main Article LDS Perspective Expanded Version

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Total Unity

Often discussions of intimacy in marriage focus on the divine purpose of procreation. In his well known lecture, "Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments" Jeffery R. Holland (1988) highlights another aspect of marital intimacy that is equally as important.

...[M]ay I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. (Holland, 1988, A Symbol of Total Union section, ¶ 1)

God gave to man and woman the sacred ability to join together completely as one body and spirit. Prophets and leaders of the church have explicitly stated that sex outside of marriage and inappropriate sex within marriage is destructive to the human soul and thus forbidden by God.

In her book titled Purity and Passion, Dr. Wendy Watson (2001) discusses unity in marital intimacy. She says: "True marital intimacy requires that your body and spirit be fully present" (p. 110). She goes on to discuss the power that can be obtained through total unity. She quotes Joseph Smith, "'By union of feeling we obtain power with God." (Discourses of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 88). "Imagine what power is available as husbands and wives become more united--united in every respect. Power to bless their lives and their families!" (p. 118).

Love vs. Lust

In a society where gratuitous and illicit sex is so blatantly flaunted, it can be difficult to discern the difference between what is appropriate and what is not. Perhaps the media would have us believe that intimate encounters are strictly for the purpose of mutual physical pleasure, or even worse for the physical pleasure of the individual. Relationships based on physical attraction are doomed to fail. Victor L. Brown, Jr. (1981) states that " two people may marry for physical gratification and then discover that the illusion of union collapses under the weight of intellectual, social, and spiritual incompatibilities" (p. 56).

Intimacy Is Private

While intimacy is a private matter, this does not mean that it should not be discussed between husband and wife. President Spencer W. Kimball (1977) taught the following:

Sometimes in marriage there are other cleavings, in spite of the fact that the Lord said, 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.' (D&C 42:22.)

This means just as completely that 'thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shall cleave unto him and none else.' Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers and their friends. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers for advice and counsel and to confide; whereas cleaving should be to the wife or husband in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others. (¶ 27-28)

Spouses should not discuss intimate matters outside of their relationship unless it is necessary, and should only do so with the knowledge of their partner.

An Appropriate Subject of Discussion

While intimacy is not a topic for the general public, Dr. Brent Barlow (1987) offers the following insights about discussing intimacy between a husband and wife.

Talking together about the physical dimensions of the relationship can help spouses get to know each other physically. Even partners who freely discuss finances, discipline of children, recreational activities, and so forth, often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just "naturally" work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true. While these intimacies, because of their sacred nature, should not be discussed with friends or other relatives, it is totally appropriate to discuss with a marriage partner.

In this regard, Elder Hugh B. Brown, a twentieth-century Apostle and member of the First Presidency, noted: "Many marriages have been wrecked on the dangerous rocks of ignorant and debased sex behavior, both before and after marriage. Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes.

"Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. ...

"If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities, ... if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, ... much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided." (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 22-23, 73.)

Conversations about intimacy can be sensitive and perhaps difficult. Some couples may feel shy or afraid to bring up the topics of intimacy. A caring spouse may fear that by bringing up the topic they may hurt their partner's feelings. However, by approaching the topic with openness and love, spouses are more likely to navigate the conversation successfully. As Barlow points out, bringing up intimacy does not mean that something is wrong. Couples who are able to maintain all aspects of their relationships enjoy a stronger, fuller union.

References

Barlow, B. A. (1987, June). 'They twain shall be one': Thoughts on intimacy in marriage. Tambuli, 27. Retrieved April 10, 2005.

Brown Jr., V. L. (1981). Human intimacy: Illusion and reality. Salt Lake City, Utah: Parliament Publishers.

Holland , J. R. (1988). Of souls, symbols, and sacraments. Provo, Utah: Devotional. Retrieved April 10, 2005.

Kimball, S. W. (1977, Mar). First presidency message: Oneness in marriage.Ensign, p. 3. Retrieved April 10, 2005.

Kimball, S. W. (1972). Faith precedes the miracle. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Watson, W. L. (2001). Purity and passion: Spiritual truths about intimacy that will strengthen your marriage. Salt Lake City : Deseret Book.