Strengthening Interfaith Marriage Main Article LDS Perspective Expanded Version

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A husband and wife in an interfaith marriage each brings deeply rooted beliefs and values to the relationship. Often the depth of these beliefs and values doesn't surface until after a couple is married. When this happens, couples can find themselves in an emotion-laden battle over religious convictions.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches, "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Different views about what some of these concepts mean, especially faith, prayer, repentance, and forgiveness, can cause great conflict between spouses.

But they don't have to. Researchers Joshua Chinitz and Robert Brown (2001) from the University of Maryland found that it's not different religions or the act of disagreeing that threatens an interfaith marriage. Rather, it's unresolved conflict over religious issues (pp. 731–733). So even with differing beliefs, interfaith couples can have a happy marriage if they work out a plan for handling religious issues in their relationship.

Understanding the Challenges

When couples have different religious beliefs they may experience miscommunication, misunderstanding, resentment, and even guilt. Many interfaith couples find themselves in emotionally heated debates (Greenstein, Carlson, & Howell, 1993, p. 428), especially over religious doctrine and how to rear their children (Williams & Lawler, 2000, pp. 207–208). Disapproval or even rejection from others, especially from religious institutions and parents, often adds to the tension (Greenstein et al., p. 428; Williams & Lawler, p. 208).

Interfaith couples also face challenges over how to handle life events such as birth, death, and holiday celebrations (Greenstein, et al., 1993, p. 428). They have to decide what holidays to celebrate, whether to join a religious organization together or separately, and what religion to raise their children in.

Strategies for Overcoming the Challenges

Interfaith couples can find happiness if they learn to work out their challenges in a way that is fair to both spouses. The following strategies are adapted from work by interfaith marriage researchers Greenstein, Carlson, and Howell (1993), Reilly (1990), Williams and Lawler (2000); and by marriage specialists Doran (1992), Petsonk and Remsen (1988), and Yob (1998).

Commit to Your Marriage

Commitment is a critical ingredient in working through religious issues (Williams & Lawler, 2000, p. 210). Commitment in an interfaith marriage means loving someone in spite of religious differences. It means loving someone whether or not you agree with him or her, support the same value system, or pray to the same god (Doran, 1992, p. 72).

If you are truly committed to your marriage, you will be motivated to communicate effectively with one another. Effective communication includes frank discussion based on mutual respect and trust with neither party trying to convert or convince the other. If you find it hard to talk about religion with your spouse, it may be helpful to join an interfaith dialogue group. "This takes the discussion out of the narrow and potentially explosive area of your personal relationship," and puts it in a place where you can receive help and guidance (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 145).

Learn Conflict Skills

Every couple deals with conflict. The Handling Conflict in Marriage article on this website includes valuable suggestions for improving communication, including the following:

• Check for destructive interaction patterns.
• Hold regular couple councils.
• Discuss a problem fully before trying to solve it.
• Move on to solving the problem, if necessary.

Other helpful articles include Solving Your "Solvable Problems", and Moving from Gridlock to Dialogue

Respect Your Spouse and Respect Religious Differences

Showing respect for your spouse's religion is vital to a happy relationship. No one enjoys someone speaking contemptuously of their cherished beliefs. Below are specific suggestions for showing respect.

• Place yourself in your spouse's religious shoes. As you do this, you'll start to detect remarks that may be hostile, judgmental, or disrespectful (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 146). "Remember that religion was meant to enhance life, not take away from it" (Greenstein et al., 1993, p. 433).
• See your spouse as a whole person. Recognize that your spouse's religious beliefs are an important part of his identity (Williams & Lawler, 2000, p. 209). Remember that you fell in love with someone whose identity includes her religious beliefs. Be willing to "see your [spouse's] religious background as an entity with its own integrity and validity" (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 144). "Whether [you] consider [your] spouse to be ‘too religious' or ‘far from salvation' the point remains; he or she is an individual worthy of [your] respect, [your] simple offering of human concern" (Doran, 1992, p. 43).
• Never issue religious ultimatums. Religious ultimatums, such as insisting the other person see things your way or go to your church -- "or else" -- are among the worst forms of disrespect (Williams & Lawler, 2000, p. 209).
• Help your spouse recognize his or her religious needs. Stifling your spouse's spiritual needs is disrespectful. Your spouse must be allowed to practice his faith of choice. One way to show respect for your spouse is to help him understand the depth of his religious needs. This can be done by helping him become more active in his religion or by learning more about one another's religion together. Each spouse can see the other's religion as an opportunity to be enriched by the spouse's unique perspective, even if one of you is skeptical about religion (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 145).

If you're still struggling to have respect for your spouse's religious beliefs, you might find it helpful to become friends with another interfaith couple who has found a way to respect one another's religions. Meeting with others in the same situation can help you find a sense of belonging and acceptance, which in turn will benefit your marriage (Williams & Lawler, 2000, pp. 210–211).

Compromise and Find Commonalities that Can Bring You Together

Interfaith couples need to find middle ground that is acceptable to both spouses (Speelman, 2001, p. 91). Learning about your spouse's faith and religion can help you find commonalities (Williams & Lawler, 2000, p. 208). Since most conflict comes from a lack of understanding, as you seek to understand each other you'll be in conflict less (Greenstein et al., 1993, p. 431). Below are suggestions for finding compromise in your interfaith marriage.

• Focus on God. If you place more emphasis on your relationship with God rather than on institutions you each belong to, you'll quickly find common ground (Williams & Lawler, 2000, p. 208).

• Focus on what you have in common. It's easy to focus on differences, but when you look for commonalities, chances are you'll find more than you expected. Most religions have similar basic beliefs about God (God cares for us, requires obedience, is just, merciful, and loving) and share many teachings (it is important to treat others with respect and kindness, to do good to those in need, and to be honest).

  Once you recognize shared beliefs, it will be easier to pray together, even if you pray differently. It will also become easier to live your own faith, to give a little, and to have a sense of humor when working out your problems (Reilly, 1990).

  Focusing on non-religious shared interests can also be helpful. The more you can enjoy one another in such activities as sports, hobbies, work, or recreation, the more unified your marriage will be.

• Decide together how you will worship. Some couples decide to go to one another's churches while others decide they'll each go to their own church (Williams & Lawler, 2000, p. 209). If you choose to attend your spouse's church, it can help to attend church-sponsored activities as a couple first, then start going to religious services together (Williams & Lawler, p. 210). Many churches make going to another church easy by exchanging congregations periodically or inviting neighboring parishes to co-worship (Reilly, 1990, p. 37). By moving slowly, you can ease the stress that your spouse may feel attending another religion for the first time.

• Do not try to change your spouse. This only adds tension rather than building unity (Doran, 1992, p. 89).

• Treat your marriage with reverence. Build a sense of sacredness in your marriage, "a glowing core of commitment to each other" (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 149). Regardless of what you and your spouse believe about God, your marriage will be deeper and stronger if you see your life together as a holy task and if you see one another as sacred individuals consecrated to each other. You can keep your marriage strong by remembering the reverence that you felt on your wedding day and by keeping that reverence alive (Petsonk & Remsen, pp. 149–150).

Choose the Religion in Which Your Children Will Grow Up

When children are born into an interfaith marriage, religious differences can become even more overwhelming. Couples must now decide whose religion is going to be best for the child. Will the child have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah? Will she have a Christian Confirmation? Will he be baptized? How will he be baptized?

All parents have a sacred responsibility for the spiritual upbringing of their children, but "interfaith couples have a doubly important responsibility" (Yob, 1998, p. 15) because of the possibility of causing religious confusion in their children's lives. If adults can feel torn by religion, it is easy to imagine how much more children can feel two religions pulling on them. Some children of interfaith parents experience overwhelming sadness because they are not like other children whose parents share the same faith (Yob, p. 23). Some children in interfaith homes don't want to be a part of any religion when older because of the conflicted feelings they experienced while growing up.

Because of this mine field of competing interests and the delicate development of a child, interfaith couples have a particular obligation to agree on how they will religiously and spiritually educate their children (Yob, 1998, p. 16). Some couples find a way to teach both spouse's religious beliefs and practices while others decide on one or the other's faith for the children. Some couples find that neither of these options works in their circumstances (Yob, pp. 16–17).

By answering the questions below honestly and fairly with your spouse, you can come to an agreement more smoothly. As you express your desires, keep the interests of your child first, with yours and your spouse's interests secondary. Also important is fairness in considering all sides of the discussion and looking at all of the possibilities.

• How involved in religion do we want our child to be?
• How important to each of us is our own religious faith?
• What do I find of value in my spouse's faith?
• What do our respective faith communities have to offer in the religious training we will provide in the home?
• How cooperative will our family and friends be with our plan for our child's religious upbringing?
• How involved does each of us want to be in our child's religious formation?
• How comfortable will I be carrying the major responsibility of sharing my faith with our child?
• What am I willing to contribute to our child's religious development in a faith different form my own?
• How much freedom to choose a religion will I be willing to give our child? (Yob, 1998, pp. 115–116).
• Which religion provides the best support for children and teenagers by providing programs for them?

Make the Best of the Holiday Dilemma

Dealing with differences in how to celebrate holidays can cause conflict in what should be a time of unity and togetherness. Holidays can be extra difficult because they involve not only immediate family but relatives as well (Doran, 1992, p. 63). In The Intermarriage Handbook, Petsonk & Remsen (1988) discuss four approaches to this issue.

• Approach #1: The Traditional Approach. In this approach you choose the holidays of one religion and celebrate them in a full-bodied way. If you choose this approach, it is wise not to completely ignore the holidays that the other spouse grew up with. Be sensitive to the emotional needs of the spouse whose holidays you are not celebrating (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, pp. 219–221).
• Approach #2: The Minimalist Approach. In this approach, you celebrate only the major holidays, focusing on cultural aspects rather than religious meaning. For example, if you decide to celebrate Christmas, celebrate it as a secular holiday just like you would celebrate Independence Day or Labor Day. The gift giving, shopping, festivities, and Christmas tree are all included, but you don't address religious meaning behind these symbols (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, pp. 221–222).
• Approach #3: Actively Celebrate Holidays from Both Religions. If you choose this approach, you and your children should all learn about the religious meanings and customs behind both religious holidays. Be sure to focus equal attention on each religious holiday (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 222).
• Approach #4: The Non-Traditional Approach. In this approach, you draw traditions from different cultures and regions of the world and incorporate them into your own innovative holiday celebration (Petsonk & Remsen, 1988, p. 222).

Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

References

Chinitz, J. G., & Brown, R. A. (2001). Religious homogamy, marital conflict, and stability in same-faith and interfaith Jewish marriages. Journal for Scientific Study of Religion, 40(4), 723–733.

Doran, S. F. (1992). Every time I say grace, we fight: Practical help for marriages divided by religion but united by love. Hagerstown, MD: Review and Herald.

Greenstein, D., Carlson, J., & Howell, C. W. (1993). Counseling with interfaith couples. Individual Psychology, 49(3/4), 428–437.

Heaton, T. B. (1984). Religious homogamy and marital satisfaction reconsidered. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 46, 729–733.

Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000). Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis, MN: Life Innovations.

Petsonk, J., & Remsen J. (1988). The intermarriage handbook: A guide for Jews and Christians. New York: William Morrow and Company.

Reilly, R. T. (1990, March). Mixed blessings: Ten lessons learned from interfaith couples. U.S. Catholic, 55(3), 34–39.

Speelman, G. M. (2001) Keeping faith: Muslim-Christian couples and interreligious dialogue. Zoetermeer, Netherlands: Meinema.

Williams, L. M., & Lawler, M. G. (2000). The challenges and rewards of interchurch marriage: A qualitative study. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 19(3), 205–216.

Yob, I. M. (1998). Keys to interfaith parenting. Hauppauge, NY: Barron's Educational Series.