Handling Conflict in Marriage Main Article LDS Perspective

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In an October 1996 conference address, Elder Bruce C. Hafen told the story of a young woman on her wedding day. Sighing blissfully, she said ''Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!'' "Yes," replied her mother, "but at which end?" (p. 26).

Like this young woman, some newlyweds envision marriage as an Eden-like state where they will experience joy without trials. On the other hand, occasionally we hear marriage veterans claiming they have never had a difference of opinion. "If that is literally the case," according to Elder Joe J. Christiansen of the Seventy (1995), "then one of the partners is overly dominated by the other or, as someone said, is a stranger to the truth. Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better" (p. 65).

Differences and challenges are a normal, even essential part of married life and can be part of the process that enriches and blesses our marriages as the years go by. Father Lehi teaches in the Book of Mormon, "it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things" (2 Nephi 2:11). This opposition fundamental to our agency makes possible the opportunity for greater growth, intimacy, and understanding in marriage.

While disagreements are a normal, inevitable part of a healthy marriage, how we address such challenges is a matter of personal choice. Ultimately we choose whether to respond with love and patience or with frustration, intolerance, and anger. The Family: A Proclamation to the World pronounces personal obligations and accountability for these choices when it declares that "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other" and "will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations" (¶ 6).

Partners who view their marriage as a sacred covenant between themselves and God are less likely to run away at the first sign of trouble. They don't assassinate the character of their partner when differences or conflicts arise. They remember their spouse's value as a child of God and work through troubles. They rely on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, and compassion. They don't simply "meet in the middle" by each giving 50 percent. Instead, they give their whole hearts away.

According to President Gordon B. Hinckley (1997), "Marriage requires a high degree of tolerance, and some of us need to cultivate that attribute. I have enjoyed these words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones, which I clipped from the newspaper some years ago. Said he:

"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young [men and women] who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and [beautiful] wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed. . . .

"Anyone who imagines that bliss [in marriage] is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

'[The fact is] most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

"Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride'" (Hinckley, 1997, p. 58).

References

Christiansen, J. J. (1995, May). Marriage and the great plan of happiness. Ensign, 64-66. Retrieved July 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1995.htm/ensign%20may%201995.htm/marriage%20and%20the%20great%20plan%20of%20happiness.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=1363

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles. (1995, November). The family: A proclamation to the world. Ensign, 102. Retrieved July 2003, from http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,FF.html

Hafen, B. C. (1996, November). Covenant marriage. Ensign, 26-28. Retrieved July 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1996.htm/ensign%20november%201996.htm/covenant%20marriage.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=8439

Hinckley, G. B. (1997, March). A conversation with single adults. Ensign, 58-63. Retrieved July 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1997.htm/ensign%20march%201997.htm/a%20conversation%20with%20single%20adults.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=4403