Marriage in Later Years Main Article LDS Perspective Expanded Version

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A marriage that has lasted through the years can be full of happy times, understanding, and deep communication. It can also include times of struggling through thickets of pain, leaving scars and still-healing wounds in need of tender care. Most enduring marriages have a combination of both these joyful and sorrowful characteristics. As the years continue, so does the need to protect your relationship, to build love, and to treat wounds.

In marriage, both partners commit all they have and all they are. With hope, commitment, and love, they manage in sometimes miraculous ways to travel together through the years without suffering irreparable cracks in the relationship. They learn supreme lessons of what it means to love and sacrifice; to repent and forgive.

Elder Boyd K. Packer (1982) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles states, No relationship has more potential to exalt a man and a woman than the marriage covenant. No obligation in society or in the Church supersedes it in importance (p. 295).

God wants marriages to succeed. He is the creator of this holy union and wants to bless husbands and wives in their relationships. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan (¶ 7). Through our faithfulness, the Lord perfectly fashions blessings that will strengthen our marriages and families.

Cornerstones of Marriage

In his book Standing for Something (2000), President Gordon B. Hinckley discusses four cornerstones of marriagerespect and loyalty, the soft answer, financial honesty, and prayer. These cornerstones form the foundation for love and growth between husband and wife. When incorporated into your marriage, they can continue to bind you together as you experience challenges throughout your lives together.

Cornerstone 1: Mutual respect and loyalty.

• Respect each other. Marriages thrive on respect for individuality. They are strengthened as husbands and wives appreciate each others talents. Though years of living together may mean less conflict and more peace, there is still a need for husband and wife to respect each others differences. The distinctive of one spouse can make up for the lack in another. Elder Maxwell (1982) calls this compensating competencies (p. 251).

As the years go by, changes in one another and even new differences can bring further fulfillment and add a renewing spark to marriage. As President James E. Faust (1977), then a member of the Quorum of the Seventy, said, Our differences are the little pinches of salt which can make the marriage seem sweeter (p. 21). President Hinckley (2000) counsels:

Each of us is an individual. Each of us is different. There must be respect for those differences, and although it is important and necessary that both the husband and the wife work to ameliorate those differences, there must be some recognition that they exist and that they are not necessarily undesirable. In fact, the differences may make the companionship more interesting.

Respect for your marriage partner includes a reverence for the individual identity of your spouse--an understanding of one another that settles in your hearts through the power of the Holy Ghost. It is not resignation to the differences between you, but love and patience. It may include allowing your spouse to progress according to a different timetable than you might prefer. It is looking at your own disposition and what changes you need to make. It is learning every day to be more unselfish. It is being continually willing to sacrifice your own self-blindness.

Mutual respect must also include self-respect. No one is expected to stay in a situation where they are suffering abuse or damage to their personal dignity (Faust, 1993).

• Maintain iron-clad loyalty. President Hinckley (1998) counsels couples to be as true one to another as the polar star ( 9). Fidelity to your marriage shows loyalty. Placement of your priorities shows your hearts desires. As husband and wife give first consideration to one another, their loyalty continues to build throughout the years. President Hinckley (2000) states:

If married partners first concern and priority is the comfort, the well-being, and the happiness of their spouse, and if they will sublimate personal concerns to that loftier goal, not only will the marriage survive, but their commitment one to another will deepen and their desire to build a lasting relationship will increase. (p. 138)

Loyalty to each other is fortified as you each increase your loyalty to Heavenly Father. Through divine power husbands and wives are blessed with the ability to remain true to their marriage in actions, thoughts, and desires. President Spencer W. Kimball (1982) taught how religious commitment strengthens marital loyalty:

If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have this great happiness. When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chastementally and physicallyso that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle. (p. 309)

Cornerstone 2: The soft answer.

Sometimes long-time companionship gives partners the idea they have license to negative remarks or unkindness. After many years of marriage, you might be more inclined to say what you think regardless of your spouses feelings. But soft answers are essential to marital strength no matter how long a marriage has lasted. Softness includes avoiding criticism, practicing self -discipline instead of fault-finding, forgiving one another, and speaking kindly.

• Avoiding criticism prevents hurt feelings and heartache. Elder Richard G. Scott (1983) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles discusses criticism in marriage as follows:

It also requires a willingness to recognize all that is good and uplifting in ones companion and to set aside the microscopic concentration on faults and defects. Criticism is often motivated by a desire to rationalize ones own shortcomings and to justify termination of sacred marriage covenants.

Giving up criticism requires self control and a willingness to take responsibility for ones own actions. This can be difficult, yet as one stops criticizing, love and understanding grow in a marriage. Elder Dallin H. Oaks (1991) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles says the following about fault finding:

One who focuses on faults, though they be true, tears down a brother or a sister. The virtues of patience, brotherly kindness, mutual respect, loyalty, and good manners all rest to some degree on the principle that even though something is true, we are not necessarily justified in communicating it to any and all persons at any and all times. (p. 183)

• Developing self-discipline and unselfishness strengthens marriages. President Hinckley (2000) says self-mastery is one of the most important foundations of a good marriage: There is need for much discipline in marriage, not of ones companion, but of oneself (p. 140). Even after many anniversaries, as you become willing to inspect yourself and overcome weaknesses, you will find yourself looking inward with an increased desire to build your own character instead of outward to find faults in your spouse.

Self-discipline is also required to overcome selfishness. Elder David B. Haight (1984) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles says:

Middle-age divorce is particularly distressing, as it indicates that mature people, who are the backbone of our society, are not working carefully enough to preserve their marriages. . . . They need to realize that every divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or both. (p. 30)

For those who have trouble managing their anger, President Hinckley (2000) instructs:

To all people who have trouble controlling their temper, may I suggest that they seek help to overcome their weaknesses and marshal within themselves the power to discipline their speech (p. 139).

• Forgiving one another brings unity and increased loved. BYU professor Terrance D. Olson (1982) explains that forgiveness can solve many problems in marital relationships:

Changing our hearts by accepting the Atonement is a prerequisite to any change, including changes in marriages or families. We cannot decide what others will do, but the gospel of Christ, which includes forgiveness, charity, and compassion, is available to us. Because of it and our agency, we can decide what we will do. And since we reap the same spirit we sow, we can either lay a foundation for hostility and resentment, or we can sow the seeds of compassionate living as an invitation to peace and harmony in our homes. (p. 32)

• Kind acts soften hearts and strengthen marriages. Sometimes couples who have been together for many years take one another for granted. They may stop extending the simple kindnesses to one another that they dont think twice about extending to others. President Faust (1977) comments on this phenomenon:

Why is happiness in marriage so fragile and fleeting for so many, yet so abundant for others? Why does the resulting strain of heartache and suffering have to be so long and have so many innocent people on board. . . . In my experience there is another reason which seems not so obvious but which precedes and laces through all of the others. It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage. It is an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull. . . . We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, integrity, and by administering and sustaining each other in our difficulties.

We communicate in a thousand ways, such as a smile, a brush of the hair, a gentle touch, and remembering each day to say I love you and the husband to say Youre beautiful. (pp. 6-11, 21)

Kindness is essential to fostering love. If it has been absent for a time in your marriage, you will find that renewing kind acts will soften your spouses heart toward you and will bring out the good in both of you. You will find that its never too late to strengthen a relationship.

Cornerstone 3: Financial honesty.

As couples face retirement and income adjustments, they will be blessed as they continue to act with integrity. President Gordon B. Hinckley (2000) says the following about honesty in marriage:

If they live honestly with one another as companions, deal honestly with others, make timely payment of obligations a cardinal principle of their lives, and consult with one another and make decisions in unison, they will be blessed as they do so. (p. 141)

Elder Marvin J. Ashton (2000) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles speaks of the importance of money management along with the paying of tithes:

In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decision- and policy-makingWhether we are anticipating marriage or are well into it, today is the time for all of us to review and repent as necessary to improve our money management skills and live within our means. . . . Successful financial management in every LDS home begins with the payment of an honest tithe. If our tithing and fast offerings are the first obligations met following the receipt of each paycheck, our commitment to this important gospel principle will be strengthened and the likelihood of financial mismanagement will be reduced. Paying tithing promptly to Him who does not come to check up each month will teach us and our children to be more honest with those physically closer at hand. (pp. 6, 8)

Cornerstone 4: Prayer

Communication with God centers a marriage in the gospel. A husband or wife may have the poignant experience of listening to a spouse pour out gratitude for an enduring marriage or plead for help and understanding during troubled times. President Hinckley (2000) counsels that prayer brings great blessings to a marriage:

Our daily conversations with [God] will bless our lives with a joy, strength, and resiliency that can come from no other source. Companionship will sweeten through the years as love strengthens. Appreciation one for another will increase. Children and, later, grandchildren will be blessed with a sense of security that comes of being part of a family wherein dwells the spirit of God as manifest through love, cooperation, and well-being. (p. 141)

President Faust (1977) advises on the importance of spirituality in marriage:

There are many things which go into making a marriage enriching, but they seem to be of the husk. Having the companionship and enjoying the fruits of a Holy and Divine Presence is the kernel of a great happiness in marriage. Spiritual oneness is the anchor. Slow leaks in the sanctifying dimension of marriage often cause marriages to become flat tires. (p. 26)

References

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Faust, J. E. (1977, November). The enriching of marriage. Ensign, 9-11. Retrieved March 30, 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1977.htm/ensign%20november%201977.htm/the%20enriching%20of%20marriage%20.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=807

Faust, J. E. (1993, May). Father come home. Ensign, 36-37. Retrieved April 17, 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1993.htm/ensign%20may%201993.htm/father%20come%20home.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=7672

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Hinckley, G. B. (1998, May). Living worthy of the girl you will someday marry. Ensign, 49. Retrieved April 7, 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1998.htm/ensign%20may%201998.htm/living%20worthy%20of%20the%20girl%20you%20will%20someday%20marry.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0

Hinckley, G. B. (2000). Standing for something. New York: Times Books.

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