Strengthening Later Life Marriage Main Article LDS Perspective Expanded Version

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Long lasting, happy marriages may seem rare in these days of frequent divorce. In long-lasting marriages, couples enjoy happy times and suffer through the hard times. They hold hands through obstacle courses. Sometimes they cheer on one another from the sidelines. Their hearts may have been emptied by losses and grief but then refilled with joys both great and small. Over the years, long-married couples have learned to replace disappointments in each other with admiration, affection and hope.

The accomplishment of having a marriage that has lasted through the years brings gratitude and a sense of security and comfort. Sometimes, though, security and comfort can make it easy to fall into "the old shoe" syndrome, where married life becomes dull and partners take one another for granted. Treating a lasting marriage with the appreciation it deserves might be compared to seeing old, worn shoes as "plush suede" or "buttery-soft leather." Just as a proud owner of such shoes would never slosh them through a mud puddle but would carefully protect them, so should long-married couples give their partnership the deep regard it deserves.

An important part of that regard is to recognize that all marriages, no matter how long they've lasted, need to be guarded and protected. Loving acts are critical, including acceptance, empathy, appreciation, concern, and affection (Canary, Stafford, & Stemic, 2002). Researchers have found, unfortunately, that these caring behaviors tend to decrease as marriages age (Weigel & Ballard-Reisch, 1999). So even if your marriage has lasted the test of time, be forewarned that it remains vulnerable. All marriages, no matter how enduring, require ongoing maintenance.

Practical Suggestions for Building and Maintaining a Long-Lasting Marriage

As thousands of couples slog through muddy divorces and shredded family life, they might wonder, "What are the keys to a successful, long-term marriage?" Social scientists know that good marriages don't just happen. As they've examined them, they've found a few important principles that not only keep marriages together but also improve them. To protect your marriage as the years pass, practice these principles:

• Treat each other as best friends (Appleton & Bohm, 2001) . Just as you overlook irritating traits in a friend, look past your partner's flaws and focus on his or her endearing qualities. Have fun with your partner, laugh together, and share your thoughts and feelings. These good times breathe life into a marital friendship by relieving stress and lightening the seriousness of life. In one study, husbands and wives in lasting marriages listed as top reasons for their success "having my mate as my best friend" and "liking my mate as a person" (Lauer, Lauer, & Kerr, 1990, p???).

  Friendship is also strengthened when you give your love freely and unselfishly -- without keeping score or feeling that you're sacrificing. As you do, you will encourage loving behavior from your spouse, creating a cycle where giving love creates love. And you may find yourself surprised and delighted to discover a fresh perception of your beloved, which inevitably develops when you love freely.

  Being an engaged listener is another way to build friendship. When your spouse wants to talk, stop what you're doing and give him or her your full attention. Make eye contact and offer small comments to show that you're following the conversation.

  Stephen R. Covey (1999) tells a story about a woman who felt her marriage had dwindled into a "stale relationship." She decided to try restoring the vitality of love she and her husband had enjoyed in previous years by practicing kind actions and expressions of love. Although she often didn't feel like doing nice things, she did them anyway:

  I started looking for small things he did for me, and expressed my appreciation for his help, like when he vacuumed the family room after a night of popcorn and videos. I picked up his favorite candy bar at the drugstore. I complimented him on how he dressed when we went out, and praised him when he remodeled our basement. I looked for the good to appreciate, and criticized less. . . . We still have our ups and downs but now when I say "I love you" there is a sweet feeling inside. I am "in love" again, and happy together with my husband. Love is a verb. I proved that, and it was worth all the work! (pp. 114-115)

• Unite as allies (Appleton & Bohm, 2001) . Building an alliance is especially important when a couple first marries, but continuing that effort is crucial in a mature marriage as well. In the political world, an alliance combines different countries that have divergent positions, resources, and cultures. This combination of strengths makes each country stronger than it would be alone. There's no expectation that any of the individual nations should change their identity. Rather, each is expected to use its distinct attributes for the progress and well-being of all. These principles apply to the marital alliance as well.

  One of the most important features of a marital alliance is iron-clad loyalty-keeping confidences, defending one another, publicly esteeming each another, and remaining fully faithful (Fenell, 1993). Another is to look past personal desires to consider the needs of the marital alliance. This requires commitment to both the partner and to the marriage itself and a desire to make the marriage happy and fulfilling (Huyck & Guttman, 1992). Love deepens as husband and wife respond to each other's efforts and acknowledge one another's individual work in the relationship (Appleton & Bohm, 2001). Allied couples will also strive to stay united on parenting issues.

  Accepting differences in the marriage alliance, instead of striving for sameness, enables couples to achieve difficult goals and benefit from more than one perspective. Years together tend to ease sharp differences between spouses, making it easier to feel like a team. Even when differences still come up, they likely feel less threatening because love and commitment have grown. Spouses now enjoy one another's different strengths and divergent perspectives. They've learned that with their spouse's complementary traits, they can reach difficult goals they couldn't achieve on their own.

  To securely bind the alliance together, listen to each others' differing opinions and don't be defensive if your spouse doesn't agree. As you show concern and empathy for your mate's challenges, you'll gain a deeper appreciation for the benefits of your marital alliance. One woman describes discovering her marital alliance:

  My husband and I are very different people. I'm very structured, organized, and even-tempered. He is just the opposite. He is unorganized and very headstrong. I suppose some people would call him intuitive and emotionally liberated. In my attempt to make myself feel good and cast the blame, I had always thought about his qualities in the negative. That way I could blame him for the problems we encountered together. I had also come to believe that there was nothing we could do to resolve these issues; Larry was the way he was. I couldn't change him.

  As I thought more about this man I had been married to for twenty-three years, I started to see him in a different light. I realized that were it not for his free-spirited sense of adventure, all our vacations would have been organized down to the last minute and rest stop. We would never have discovered the penguins on a little beach in Cape Town, or that restaurant overlooking the canal in Amsterdam. . . . I also saw that what I had always viewed as his negative traits were only negative because they were different from mine. I had always been reluctant to embrace things that were different, even from my husband. In some ways, I had kept him at arm's length for twenty years. I now had a new appreciation for Larry. I could see him in a completely different light. (Covey, 1999, pp. 118-119)

• Treat intimate knowledge with care. The intimate knowledge of one another that spouses gain over the years creates a strong, enduring bond. This intimate knowledge, however, must be used only in loving service of one's partner. If it is ever misused, the sense of violation will go deeper than in a younger marriage, creating more damaging resentment, sadness, and disappointment. Thus it becomes even more important in older marriages to admit wrongs, apologize when necessary, change behavior as needed, and forgive and trust again.
• Perform small, loving actions daily. Loving actions need to be repeated frequently. "Last week" or "the other day" or "for your birthday" is not enough. Spouses who want a lasting marriage need to do things for each other even when they're sick or tired (Canary et. al., 2002).
• Have faith in God. Researchers have found that spiritual commitment tends to increase marital commitment (Fenell, 1993). Marital and extended family relationships are all strengthened by faith in God. Even couples' communication and problem solving skills are positively affected. But statistics alone don't tell the full story (Mahoney, Paragament, Tarakeshwar, & Swank, 2001). When two people rely on God to help them overcome the inevitable challenges of living together, marriage becomes a deeply spiritual commitment where partners, separately and together, are fortified by the strength and power of their Creator.
• Be positive with each other (Canary et al., 2002). Look on the bright side and avoid criticism. Take time to smile, touch, and compliment.
• Talk about your marriage (Canary et al., 2002). Recapping good times and talking about your victories over the bad times will bring you together and help you see the progress you have made in your marriage. "Remember how tough it was? We made it through with flying colors!" is the winning attitude.
• Reassure your spouse of your personal commitment to the relationship (Canary et al., 2002). Examples of broken trust bombard marriages everywhere. Celebrities provide abundant models of failed marriages, but closer to home most of us have good friends or family members whose marriages, too, have not withstood the test of time. In this climate, your spouse needs frequent reminders that you remain committed to him or her. Simple comments can give comforting assurance and security, such as "I'm so glad I married you" or "You're as handsome as the day we met."
• Continue personal development, balancing individuality and togetherness. Individual interests add needed freshness to a marriage. Separate friends and activities benefit the marriage by helping each partner continue personal growth and keep a healthy network of support (Lee, 1988). Each spouse's activities can create possibilities of new appreciation and deeper respect for one another (Appleton & Bohm, 2001).

The balance between individuality and togetherness can be delicate. As you pursue interests, keep your spouse as your top priority and maintain a loving awareness of his or her needs. Dr. Brenton Yorgason, family therapist and author, suggests that couples avoid focusing too much on themselves: "A marriage becomes happy and fulfilling when both partners cease to have themselves as their theme and develop their partner as their theme." Dr. Yorgason also states that wise couples have significant space and significant overlap. A good golf game with buddies can be renewing, but not if it's at the expense of time with your spouse.

Personal growth can benefit both spouses if it's kept within reasonable boundaries. Karen, for example, decided after 29 years of caring for her family that it was her turn to follow interests outside her home. She chose valuable pursuits, but one evening she looked across the room at her husband and realized she was neglecting him and their marriage. She reworked her priorities, deciding to continue her new interests by putting her husband back at the top of the list.

Challenges Unique to Long-Lasting Marriages

Appearing for the first time during later life are new challenges and frustrations from numerous directions-all making new demands on your marriage and perhaps requiring that you and your spouse become more flexible and adjust your roles. This is a time to look back over the marriage years together, understand what has changed, and contemplate what changes might be coming (Appleton & Bohm, 2001). Flexibility can allow you to enjoy the diverse experiences that come with the following mid-life and later-life transitions:

• Parenting adolescents. As children move into adolescence, they struggle to establish a separate identity. Conflict with parents increases, typically over issues such as clothes, driving, school, and friends (Collins, Laursen, Mortensen, Luebker, & Ferreira, 1997). They may want to spend more time with friends than ever before. They don't understand their parents' desires to take advantage of the last few years together. This friction often spills over into the marital relationship. It can help to realize that conflict with teenagers is part of normal development. As you gradually relax control, continue to parent with openness, unity, discussion, and an atmosphere of fairness and concern (Steinberg, 1990).

  Parents often suffer devastating heartache when children turn against cherished values and teachings. Couples may find themselves blaming each other. They need to realize that a teenager's behavior is not necessarily explained by good or bad parenting skills. Instead of finding fault with your spouse, find appreciation for his or her unique qualities and contributions. Instead of resentment, have compassion. Instead of judging and criticizing, be understanding. Lean on each other during disappointing times and soothe painful wounds with the healing salve of love.

• Caring for aging parents. Couplestrying to raise children and care for parents at the same time are sometimes called "sandwich marriages." Wives and mothers in particular can be caught in a tangle of multiple roles ( Brody, Litvin, Albert, & Hoffman, 1994). Stress to the marriage may result. This squeeze requires flexibility and extra energy. Although it might be easy to get lost in the maze of schedules and the emotional and physical needs in such a circumstance, most strong and supportive marriages have the ability to adapt without compromising marital satisfaction (Ward & Spitze, 1998).

• Launching children. The age that children leave home depends on many factors, including finances, education, social expectations, and religious expectations. Some adult children delay launching because they need financial support while they go to college or because they can't find employment (Cherlin, Scabini, & Giovanna, 1997). When the time does arrive, launching children can be hard on everyone. In his book Love & Money, Dr. Bernard E. Poduska of Brigham Young University suggests that creating a "launching fund" may ease this transition. With this fund, a child can make changes gradually and become financially independent over time. A launching fund can help pay for college, training, rent, a down payment, or whatever conditions the parents set (pp. 265-267). The result is likely reduced stress on the marriage.

  It's important that both you and your spouse resist impulses to protect your adult children. Letting them be the adults they are will help you as a couple avoid many conflicts that tend to deflate marital satisfaction. For example, being reasonably available when older children want your help is good, but being able to say "no" is also healthy. Judy describes the balance this way: "When my older children need me I offer them help, but I have to be careful and back away so they can make their own mistakes and enjoy their independence." While launching children can be a stressful and difficult experience, especially for couples launching only children, for most couples launching is a positive transition for children and adults alike.

• Handling "boomerang" children. Increasinglyadult children are returning home after launching. These "boomerang kids" usually return for financial and emotional support while they continue education, employment changes, or adjust to divorce (Mitchell & Gee, 1996).

  Evidence shows that parents may benefit from returning children. The adult child may offer emotional support, friendship, and financial contributions in addition to extra help with household jobs and contributing to the general family atmosphere. But if parents and children have conflicts, the stress filters through to the marital relationship. Mothers report five times greater marital satisfaction if there is an excellent parent-child relationship compared to a poor relationship (Mitchell & Gee, 1996).

  Research gives encouraging evidence that older parents have the flexibility needed to give support to their boomerang children and still maintain their own marriage, but there can be negative effects. In a study of couples coping with boomerang children, 52.4% reported neutral or positive consequences, but 47.6% complained of negative consequences (Clemens & Axleson 1985). These consequences may also affect marital satisfaction, so it is wise to understand the possible stresses from returning children. To protect your marriage and minimize conflict while coping with boomerang children, establish understanding about these concerns before children return:

  1. If a parent has poor health there may be fewer reserves to cope with the increased demands (Mitchell & Gee, 1996).
  2. The number of times the child returns affects the parents' attitudes. Parents are usually able to accept children returning home once or twice, but if they return more than three times, conflict increases (Mitchell & Gee, 1996).
  3. Parents' expectations can affect how they react to boomerang situations. If children leave home to pursue work or education and then return home, parents tend to experience greater stress and disappointment than when children leave home to try their independence and then return (Mitchell & Gee, 1996).
  4. Parents' emotional and psychological well being can be affected when children return. Boomerang children who have mental, physical, or stress-related problems may contribute to parental depression and conflict between parents (Pillemer & Suitor, 1991).
  5. Boomerang kids may assume old patterns of behavior that parents are unwilling to tolerate. Issues that commonly cause problems, and thus should be topics of conversation and mutual agreement, include "time of coming and going," "cleaning and maintenance of the house," "managing household resources", "mealtime," "money and spending," "entertaining of friends" and "rent and other charges" (Clemens & Axelson, 1985, p. 262).

• Adjusting to role changes. Husband-wife roles tend to blur over the years (Miller et al., 1997). When spouses do jobs that traditionally belong to the other spouse, both feel cared for and treated fairly. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (¶ 7). As age increases there is less division of tasks because couples help each other as tasks become harder (Melton, Hersen, VanSickle, & Van Hasselt, 1995). Consider Marilyn and Frank, who had been married for forty years. Frank was a school teacher and had a long weekend coming up that the couple wanted to use for time away together. But Frank felt the pressure of renovating a small home he had recently inherited so it could be sold. Although Frank usually took care of handyman tasks such as painting, Marilyn decided to take on the job. Every weekday for two weeks, she painted the home until it was finished. By being flexible about roles -- doing the job Frank would normally have done -- Marilyn made it possible for both of them to get away for their retreat.

  While conflict in marriage tends to decrease in middle and later stages of marriage (Levenson, Carstensen & Gottman, 1993), you may still find it a bit challenging to work through new situations that arise with aging (Melton et al., 1995). Conflict has powerful potential to erode your relationship, so resolving it deserves high priority (Levenson, Carstensen & Gottman, 1993). Evidence suggests that if wives soften their approach to conflict and husbands remain engaged instead of withdrawing, couples are more likely to reach successful compromises (Carstensen, Graff, Levenson, & Gottman, 1996). Focusing on the positive and downplaying the negative continues to be important for building your love and companionship. Humor, too, can help you deal with difficult times (Johnson, 1985). As husband-wife bonds are stressed and stretched, the ultimate result will be a marital relationship with greater resiliency and strength.

• Adjusting to changing sexuality. Sexual intimacy continues to be an important component of lasting marriages (Melton et al., 1995). While aging brings physical changes that slow down sexual responses, w hen both partners are healthy aging does not lead to decreased interest in or enjoyment from sex. Research shows, for example, that the common idea that menopause disrupts a couple's sex life is false. In fact, most couples make any needed adjustments and continue the same intimate patterns they established over the years (Hooyman & Kiyak, 1999). Many couples find that years of faithful intimacy improves their sexual relationship over time. It can be reassuring during these adjustments to maintain a positive attitude toward sexuality and to recognize the blessings of a life-long, dedicated partner.

  Some men or women may suffer from a hormone imbalance that can decrease sexual desire. Side effects of medication can also affect sexual desire and response. These conditions should be discussed with a doctor for diagnosis and treatment (Kaplan, 1990).

• Adjusting to grandparenting. Grandparents may have the opportunity to be role models, offer financial support, teach traditions, and help children form identities (Olsen, Taylor, & Taylor, 2000). Grandparent ties are not automatic and need to be nourished (Dorfman, 2002). As husband and wife are flexible with their time and take advantage of opportunities to give love and service to their grandchildren, they enjoy discovering together new ways of expressing love and finding fulfillment. Watching your spouse grow into this new role can become a fresh way to appreciate his or her personality and characteristics. Husband and wives who see loving interactions between their partners and grandchildren tend to find their admiration and love growing for one another.
• Handling career challenges. Careers evolve over time as companies make new policies, workplaces modernize, or new employees are added to the picture. These changes can feel threatening and may make you feel angry and frustrated. If you generalize these feelings to your home life, you will harm your family relationships. Instead, discuss work problems with your spouse so that he or she understands your challenges and can support you as you work them out.

• Making the transition to retirement. Retirement doesn't automatically mean less stress and more enjoyment. While some stresses may diminish, others may increase. A smooth transition takes planning. Prepare by having a sound financial strategy and by carefully planning what you want to do and accomplish together (Melton et al., 1995). Ask yourselves, "What will we be doing?" "Will we find that we still make a difference to others?" As you answer these questions, consider the following statement: "One of the most satisfying and productive ways of investing one's time and energy in retirement can be found in family relationships" (Dorfman, 2002, p. 74). Continued communication with grown children can enrich your lives. This can be a time to repair old hurts and resolve bad feelings. The resulting improvements in family relationships may also foster peace in your marital relationship.

  Difficulties may arise if one spouse retires and the other remains employed. Also, some findings indicate that wives' perception of marital quality temporarily declines when husbands retire. A wife may feel less of this decline if her retired husband increases his help around the house. She should anticipate that her husband's projects will likely include her helping him with heavy work that she normally doesn't participate in (Melton et al., 1995).

  Because of extra time together after retirement, couples might find the strengths and weaknesses in one another easier to spot. The need for the conflict resolution skills might arise anew. Consciously balancing time together and time apart also becomes more important (Dorfman, 2002). After an adjustment, those who have been retired for two or more years seem to overcome the strain and enjoy increased satisfaction in their marriage (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). If you expect this adjustment period and treat it as normal, you'll be more equipped to focus on the positives in your relationship and more able to continue building your love and companionship.

• Dealing with increasing health concerns. Studies show that 86% of all those over age 65 will experience a chronic illness of some kind. Contrary to common misconceptions, caring for an ill spouse does not have to diminish marital satisfaction. Years together have built a foundation that supports the marriage through the strain of illness. If spouses make sure that they continue to fully communicate, marriages can weather these difficulties. Married couples adjusting to this situation report that humor helps them cope (Johnson, 1985). Although both husbands and wives may assume the caregiver role, reluctance to seek support puts more strain on wives (Johnson, 1985). Women report that conflicts are buffered when their husband supports them (Brody et al., 1994).

• Caregivers, though stressed, often benefit from increased feelings of fulfillment and closeness to the spouse being cared for. The personal growth that caregivers often experience can bring new meaning and richness to life (Kinney, Stephens, Franks, & Norris, 1995).

  Sometimes undiagnosed depression creates a very challenging situation. According to Miller et al, "Depression is an illness that is often masked in older adults" (1997, pp. 182-183). Many older men and women are reluctant to discuss feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt. They may not recognize that sleeplessness, over-sleeping, loss of appetite, and fatigue can be symptoms of depression. Even diminished ability to think or concentrate can be symptoms of depression but might be passed off as "just getting older." While discouragement or sadness about life can be normal, get medical help if everyday activities are hindered.

The research shows that despite these challenges, long-term married couples experience satisfying, happy marriages that withstand the tests of time.

Summary

Marriage can be a bedrock for happiness and contentment throughout life. An enduring marriage adds more to life than just having a partner-it enhances mental and physical health, brings greater life satisfaction, and contributes to overall well-being (Cotten, 1999; Johnson, 1985).

A couple's resiliency and ability to navigate life's course is strengthened by their alliance and commitment. They can enjoy each other's differences because their time-tested love, appreciation, and respect have created a safe atmosphere. Long-lasting marriages benefit from deep friendship and commitment. Instead of taking one another for granted and sliding into separate lives, couples can continue the life-long climb together.

Transitions continue to challenge the marriage as the years march on, but the depth and character of an enduring marriage serve as defensive bulwarks. With God's help, a couple's respect, companionship, and love established over the years can continue to grow as they walk hand-in-hand walk through life's unpredictable maze.

Written by Mary A. Stosich, Research Assistant, and edited by Richard Miller and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

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