A. For Individuals Struggling
with Problematic Sexual Behaviors
- Cybersex Unhooked: A Workbook
for Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior (2001), David
L. Delmonico, Elizabeth Griffin & Joseph Moriarity. Gentle Path
Press, Wickenburg, AZ.
This workbook is a
companion to In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online
Sexual Behavior (2001). The book is well-laid out and has a professional
tone throughout. The approach is holistic in that it takes into consideration
one's stage of change, level of self-awareness, relapse prevention, triggers,
psychological defenses, relationship patterns and lifestyle factors. The
workbook also goes into quite a bit of detail as to why sexual behavior online
is problematic.
- Healing from Sexual Addiction
(2004). Mark Laaser. Zondervan Publishing, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
This book is
written from the perspective of a recovered addict and Christian. It is an
excellent resource for clinicians, clergy, and people struggling with sexual
addiction alike. The book offers fresh insights into family dynamics that may
contribute to one's vulnerability to sexual addictions. Christian principles,
aspects of the problem, treatment issues and suggestions for searching for a
qualified clinician who treats sexual addictions are well-handled. There is a
detailed resource listing at the back, as well as a chapter devoted
specifically to clergy who are struggling with this problem themselves.
- In the Shadows of the Net:
Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior (2001), Patrick
Carnes, David L. Delmonico & Elizabeth Griffin. Hazelden, Center City, MN.
The book is
authored by well-reputed leaders in the field of sexual addictions. The book
provides a good overview of problematic sexual behavior, and although not
obvious to a lay reader, is rooted in solid social science research. Although
the book is more directed toward those with addictions, there is an excellent
chapter toward the end of the book for spouses of addicts. The book also
provides several self-assessments and an excellent resource list at the back.
B. For Spouses
- After the Affair: Healing the
Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful (1994),
Janis Abrams Spring. Harper Collins Publishers.
Although this book
is not written with sexual addictions specifically in mind, it is an excellent
resource for couples that have experienced sexual addiction as a form of
infidelity and betrayal. Janis Abrams Spring is a nationally renowned expert
in the field of infidelity and she offers an excellent blend of case studies,
ideas for restoring trust, and hope for affected couples.
- Discussing Pornography
Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors (2002
& 2005), Rory C. Reid & Dan Gray. Mental Health Publications, Salt Lake City, UT.
This booklet has
several advantages: it is very readable, affordable, and addresses an often
neglected area of problematic sexual behavior, namely the impact on spouses.
This book will help normalize the complex response spouses have to a disclosure
or discovery of this problem and offer suggestions for tackling the tough
conversations that follow.
- How Can I Forgive You? The
Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To (2004), Janis Abrams Spring.
Harper Collins Publishing, New York, NY.
This book tackles
an abstract subject (forgiveness) in a refreshingly concrete and structured
way. The author draws from her 20+ years as a therapist who specializes in
infidelity and wades through the complexities of trust, apologies and
forgiveness in a refreshing, helpful and applicable way. The book addresses
the role of the offender and hurt party in forgiveness. The section on what a
good apology looks like has been particularly helpful with couples, and
especially men who want to rebuild trust but don't know where to start. Plenty
of case examples support each point and the layout of the book helps break down
a historically tricky subject that is steeped in religious paradigms.
- Infidelity on the Internet:
Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal (2001), Marlene M. Maheu &
Rona B. Subotnik. Sourcebooks Inc., Naperville, Illinois.
This book is ideal
for someone who is naïve about problematic sexual behavior and needs an
appropriate source of reliable information regarding what the problem can
consist of, the technological jargon that riddles 'cybersex' activities, and
the effect this type of problem typically has on a relationship. I suspect
many of the case examples will be difficult to read for those who are brand new
to this issue because they will be tempted to wonder if their partner engaged
in the types of behaviors and conversations outlined. The latter part of the
book explores aspects of recovery and the role loved ones can play in
successful treatment.
- Living with Your Husband's
Secret Wars (1999), Marsha Means. Fleming H. Revell, Grand Rapids, MI.
This book is
frequently recommended to me by spouses I interviewed for research purposes, as
well as women I work with in group therapy. It is an excellent resource for
female clients who are in a marriage where a problem sexual behavior exists.
The book normalizes women's responses to this form of infidelity and outlines
many concepts that are used in group therapy with this population
(codependency, boundaries, self-care, self-esteem, forgiveness and support
networks).
- The Dance of Intimacy
(1989), Harriet G. Lerner. Harper & Row, New York, NY.
Dr. Lerner anchors
her perspectives in family systems theory and yet makes her work very readable
and accessible for the lay reader. This book is catered to female audiences
and will assist readers in clarifying their role/position in key relationships
and how to communicate 'tough stuff' in non-reactive, assertive ways. The book
addresses family of origin issues as they pertain to communication patterns and
how anxiety is managed in family systems. For several years this has been a
favourite book to recommend to clients.
9.
The Drug of the New Millennium: The Science of How Internet Pornography
Radically Alters the Human Brain and Body (2001), Mark B. Kastleman,
Granite Publishing, Orem, UT.
This
book has been very popular with the public and is endorsed by respected
clinicians and researchers. This book can assist people in understanding why
pornography consumption can be so problematic from a variety of angles. This
book also introduces a biological argument into an arena that is typically
dominated by moral, religious, or clinical views on this issue. There is an
excellent reading list at the back of the book. The insights into the
pornography industry, the steps spouses can take, and the insights and phases
of recovery fit with my clinical observations and client learning.
C. For Therapists & Support
Networks
1.
Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal
(2001), Marlene M. Maheu & Rona B. Subotnik.
This book is
ideal for someone who knows little about problematic sexual behavior and needs
an appropriate source of reliable information regarding what the problem can
consist of, the technological jargon that riddles 'cybersex' activities and
aspects or recovery that clinicians would do well to cover. The first half of
the book is a good resource for clinicians who want to understand this
presenting issue better. The latter part of the book explores aspects of
recovery and the role loved ones can play in successful treatment. The
appendixes are useful for those who are not computer savvy.
2. Healing from Sexual Addiction (2004). Mark Laaser. Zondervan
Publishing, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
This book is
written from the perspective of a recovering addict, as well as a Christian
standpoint. It is an excellent resource for clinicians, ecclesiastical leaders
and clients alike. The book offers fresh insights into family dynamics that
may contribute to one's vulnerability to sexual addictions, Christian
principles, aspects of the problem, treatment issues. There is a detailed
resource listing at the back, as well as a chapter devoted specifically to
ecclesiastical leaders who are struggling with this problem themselves. This
is one of the best books on the subject and integrates current research
findings.
3. In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online
Sexual Behavior (2001), Patrick Carnes, David L. Delmonico & Elizabeth
Griffin. Hazelden, Center City, MN.
The book is
authored by well-reputed leaders in the field of sexual addictions. The book
provides a good overview of problematic sexual behavior, and is rooted in solid
social science research. Although the book is more directed toward those with
addictions, there is an excellent chapter toward the end of the book for
spouses of addicts. The book also provides several self-assessments and an
excellent resource list at the back for clinicians.
4. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (2001),
Patrick Carnes. Hazelden, Center City, MN.
This book blazed the trail for the field of sexual addictions to be
recognized and sparked widespread debate and inquiry in the early 1980's. It
is considered the classic text on sexual addictions. The 2001 version is
updated and includes more recent research. The book has an easy to follow
chapter lay-out and provides insight into sexual addiction as a clinical
construct, beliefs that fuel this cycle, problematic family patterns,
twelve-step approaches and the spouse's role in the addictive cycle.
D. Useful Websites
www.sexhelp.com
www.healthymind.com
www.cybersexualaddiction.com
www.victoriapoint.com/internetaddiction/
www.addictionresearch.com
E. Professional Organizations
Faithful and True Ministries, Inc.
Mark Laaser, Ph.D., Director
P.O. Box 84
Chanhassen, MN 55317
(952) 903-9208
www.faithfulandtrueministries.com
The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and
Families
800 Compton Road, Suite 9224
Cincinnati, OH 45231
HelpLine 1-800-583-2964 or (513) 521-6227
www.nationalcoalition.org
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH)
SASH/National Office
P.O. Box 725544
Atlanta, GA 31139
(770) 541-9912
www.ncsac.org
The Meadows
1655 N. Tegner
Wickenburg, AZ 85390
1-800-MEADOWS or (928) 684-3926
www.themeadows.org
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
P.O. Box 11910
Nashville, TN 37222-1910
(615) 331-6230
www.sa.org
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
P.O. Box 70949
Houston, TX 77270
(713) 869-4902
www.sexaa.org
Co-dependents of Sex Addicts (COSA)
P.O. Box 14537
Minneapolis, MN 55414
(763) 537-6904
www.cosa-recovery.org
Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)
P.O. Box 11029
Oakland, CA 94611
(510) 663-2312
www.recovering-couples.org
The San Jose Marital & Sexuality Centre
1022 West Hedding Street
San Jose, CA 95126
(408) 248-9737 telephone
(408) 248-9753 fax
www.sex-centre.com
Compiled and reviewed by Jill C. Manning, Ph.D.
References
Manning, J. C. (2006) A
qualitative study of the supports women find most beneficial when dealing with
a spouse's sexually addictive or compulsive behaviors. Unpublished doctoral
dissertation, Brigham Young University.